Mom and Dad

[ValleyGal]

They say that your relationship with your opposite-sex parent is a significant predictor of the kinds of dynamics you bring into your marriage.

Ladies, how does your husband / relationship with your husband correlate with your father / relationship with your father (during your growing up years)?

Men, how does your wife / relationship with your wife correlate with your mother / relationship with your mother (during your growing up years)?


This time of year reminds me of the first year my husband and I spent Christmas together. We went with another couple-friends of ours to a church event. The tables there were decorated with little reindeer ornaments, and while we were waiting for the entertainment to start, being true to myself, I started to play with the ornaments. IDay laughed, and told me how very much like his mom I am. I love her to bits and he has always been very close to her, so that was a compliment. I'm sure his relationship with her contributes to the success of our relationship. So I just thought I'd ask here how your relationship with your opposite-sex parent influences your marriage relationship.

 

[DZoolander]

Not quite sure how my relationship with my wife relates/reflects how my relationship with my mom was. Certainly - there are aspects of my personality that were a factor in my relationship with my mom that also impact upon my relationship with my wife - but how they individually react to those things is different.

For example - my mom and I had a very loving but in many ways antagonistic relationship with each other. Generally, I don't take people's counsel on things (don't normally ask for it - nor do I follow it usually.) That rubbed my mom the wrong way (understandably) when I was younger and especially when I was a teen...and led to a lot of "rebellion"/angst in our relationship. She also had some OCD type of tendencies - and would obsess on what was "wrong" with me and try to reign me in. It was very cyclical in a lot of ways.

As an adult - I learned how to keep my mom at a safe distance where we could appreciate each other - but not be so involved that it would cause further stress.

My wife, of course, notices the same things about me. Like a few years ago - we were having some issues with my brother/sister on some matters dealing with the estate after my folks died. I ran into conflict with them over some basic issues - and they tried to blame it on my wife. When she found out - she only chuckled about it. "They ought to know by now that you do what you want" - which is absolutely true.

It doesn't bother my wife, though (although it did at the start), because in her words she figured out "you're not being obstinate because you're being selfish. You also aren't putting yourself before other people. You actually are still putting us first. You just think you know better on how to do it." - which is pretty much true. So my wife has learned that instead of telling me how to do things, it's better to approach me and tell me what her concerns are and "guide" how I look at a situation.

...if that makes any sense.

and it works

 

[Inkachu]

I had a pretty horrible relationship with my father. I longed to be close to him as a child, and he tried to connect with me at times, but most of the time I was just terrified of him, and he was a very frightening and intimidating persona.

I think my husband has some things in common with my dad; they were both abused/abandoned as kids, and that led to lifelong struggles with insecurity and a need to prove their worthiness. My dad desperately craved recognition and attention wherever he went. My husband, I don't think, was quite so egotistical about it, but he's sort of quietly struggled with it.

However, I don't think my relationship with my husband mirrors my relationship with my dad, unless I'm just totally missing it. With my dad, it was a longing to love and trust him, but it was completely wrecked by fear and dysfunction and guilt and a host of other unhealthy things. My husband is my best friend. His shortcomings mean that we butt heads sometimes, but it's nothing like what I went through with my dad, thank God.

I made a lot of promises to myself as I was growing up. I vowed that I would not repeat the life that I had experienced as a kid, and I've made good on those promises so far. I think that has a lot to do with it. I was very purposeful in what I would allow into my life and how I'd be with my spouse and kids, even long before they actually showed up

 

[.chrys.]

I won't get into specifics, but my sister and I both married men who were like my father. And if you compared both men side-by-side, you'd find they were as dissimilar as they could be.

I believe that if our relationship with our parents is somehow reflected in our relationship with our spouses, it might be that we choose a spouse based on the qualities we most admire in our parents.

 

[Odetta]

My husband is very different from my dad in regards to how they treat their wives. There was some disappointment with my dad when he abandoned the family (although praise God there has been some healing between him and his children since then) and it left a permanent mark on me.

But it turns out that how they approach parenting is rather similar. Both are pretty pretty autocratic as a first, knee-jerk reaction. My dad has become less so over time, and I don't know if it's because we're adults now, or he's learned it not appropriate for our new, post-abandonment relationship. Probably both. My husband still has that initial mindset that all behavior problems are deliberate, sinful disobedience when faced with behavior issues in our kids, though, which makes things interesting when you have ADHD and autistic kids. We're working through it. As he learns more about the conditions, he gets better at distinguishing between outright disobedience from symptoms. But then, hey, I have to learn that too.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

While we all tend to carry traits of our parents (both good and bad). My parents are opposite ends of the spectrum so I am in the middle between them. Although I learn more towards my dad when it comes to patience, but more towards my mom when it comes to standing up for myself. I also learned from my parents how to NOT be in a marriage.

So I am patient with my wife like my father is with my mother who gets angry quickly. I also learned you both have to be honest and open with each other. Which is something my parents have gotten bad at over time. One of my big negative traits from my dad I had for most of my life was questioning everything to the point of dishonoring God. The "What if..." stuff. Like what if I go out to eat but don't like the food. So its something I had to work on and change.

Regardless of how my parents act, they are still married nearly 40 years now. So its why I learned never give up divorce is not an option.

 

[Inkachu]

I also learned from my parents how to NOT be in a marriage.

This for me, too. Watching the misery that they brought upon themselves and their children, I learned very quickly what I did NOT want in my own marriage.

 

[razzelflabben]

My husband isn't like my father at all. I'm not sure they are polar opposites, but pretty different none the less, in fact, it's pretty hard to find similarities and that has been one of the things that has helped me heal from many of the past wounds.

I am more like my mother in law in some respects, but very different as well. I think about the only thing we share is that neither of us is willing to go down without a fight when we know we are right. Otherwise, pretty different.

 

[ValleyGal]

Yeah, I have a sister like that. The only problem with that is she "knows" she's right even when she is wrong, so even when she's wrong, she still won't go down without a fight. That's when she starts accusing others of irrelevant things and blames them for the "fight."

 

[razzelflabben]

Yeah, I have a sister like that. The only problem with that is she "knows" she's right even when she is wrong, so even when she's wrong, she still won't go down without a fight. That's when she starts accusing others of irrelevant things and blames them for the "fight."

That is exactly why humility is so important. Because in humility we can admit when we are wrong. It's not just about accepting you are wrong and running to hide, it's about being humble enough to confess when you are wrong, just like I recently did in another thread when I had forgotten something important to the discussion. True humility, which is necessary to our lives in Christ, includes but is not limited to confession and repentance and reconciliation. The problem with many people is that 1. they refuse to admit when they are wrong and 2. when they are wrong, they either continue to fight or run and hide. Neither show the humility we are called to have and the humility necessary if we are going to fight the bullies in our lives.

 

[ValleyGal]

have a nice day