Maybe writing it down will help. I've been to counseling a few times in my life.
Once when I as diagnosed with fribromyalgia. The counselor asked me some questions. She asked if I had been sextually abused. I told her that one time when I was 15 yrs old, my mom was gone somewhere and my stepdad (who was my dad, to me) started to tickle me. I could tell he'd been drinking by the way his breath smelled. He didn't drink in front of me.
So as he is tickling me, which I hate, he puts his hands on both my breats and I screamed to stop, and he looked shock. Then he said something that made me feel I was over reacting, and that was it.
But I did not tell my counselor that when I was 11 or 12, when my 17 year brother came to visit us (he lived with our 'real father', he molested me also.
I remember being so excited he was home because my other brother was never home. We were talkin gall night and laying in the same bed. He then puts my hand on his pubic hair and tells it feels like a hairy monster doesn't it?
I didn't get turned on, but I don't know why I didn't get up and leave. Then he moves my hand to his penis and has me fondle it.
After that incidence, I remember him wanting me to 'play' with me and he would lay on top of me, our underwear down, why he dry humped between my thighs until he came. He told me to go wash off right away and never tell our parents because they will send us to a crazy farm.
His visit ended, and I kept my secret for the brother I loved and didn't get to see enough, for about 20 years.
I lost it and told my mom I didn't want to talk to my brother one day b/c she had wanted me to pass along a message to him. It old her I didn't want to talk to him, see him, nothihg. And it came out. She cried which made me feel it was my fault my mother was in pain. She got angry and asked why I waited so long to tell her.
All my life I felt damaged. I'd go from one relationship to another becaue after the newness was worn off, anyone who got closer to me, would start doing or saying things that reminding me of my abusers.
So until the age I am now, 40yrs old, I've still kept a secret to everyone else but my mom about my brother. And four years ago, my brother's ex wife reported that he was sleeping with his daughter every night. My niece had to go to foster care for two months, until the accusations were founded not guilty. But what if my niece was like me, and never wanted to tell on her father? I never told anyone about my father. It happened once, he was drunk, and not long ago he has apolgogized to me for all of the things he's done to make my life harder. And I know that is one of them.
I am not close to my brother. We live in the same town but I don't visit. But my nieces keep in touch with me. They are showing the same signs of molestation. Both or one is into drugs, the one who is the coastguard is doing okay but she is on antidepressants. I wish I could just come straight out and ask them to trust me. We would not have to tell on their father, but I know all these years and keeping all this shame inside of me has made me feel anxious, not worthy, second best.
I don't want them to wait years to get help. I think something did happen.
Once when I as diagnosed with fribromyalgia. The counselor asked me some questions. She asked if I had been sextually abused. I told her that one time when I was 15 yrs old, my mom was gone somewhere and my stepdad (who was my dad, to me) started to tickle me. I could tell he'd been drinking by the way his breath smelled. He didn't drink in front of me.
So as he is tickling me, which I hate, he puts his hands on both my breats and I screamed to stop, and he looked shock. Then he said something that made me feel I was over reacting, and that was it.
But I did not tell my counselor that when I was 11 or 12, when my 17 year brother came to visit us (he lived with our 'real father', he molested me also.
I remember being so excited he was home because my other brother was never home. We were talkin gall night and laying in the same bed. He then puts my hand on his pubic hair and tells it feels like a hairy monster doesn't it?
I didn't get turned on, but I don't know why I didn't get up and leave. Then he moves my hand to his penis and has me fondle it.
After that incidence, I remember him wanting me to 'play' with me and he would lay on top of me, our underwear down, why he dry humped between my thighs until he came. He told me to go wash off right away and never tell our parents because they will send us to a crazy farm.
His visit ended, and I kept my secret for the brother I loved and didn't get to see enough, for about 20 years.
I lost it and told my mom I didn't want to talk to my brother one day b/c she had wanted me to pass along a message to him. It old her I didn't want to talk to him, see him, nothihg. And it came out. She cried which made me feel it was my fault my mother was in pain. She got angry and asked why I waited so long to tell her.
All my life I felt damaged. I'd go from one relationship to another becaue after the newness was worn off, anyone who got closer to me, would start doing or saying things that reminding me of my abusers.
So until the age I am now, 40yrs old, I've still kept a secret to everyone else but my mom about my brother. And four years ago, my brother's ex wife reported that he was sleeping with his daughter every night. My niece had to go to foster care for two months, until the accusations were founded not guilty. But what if my niece was like me, and never wanted to tell on her father? I never told anyone about my father. It happened once, he was drunk, and not long ago he has apolgogized to me for all of the things he's done to make my life harder. And I know that is one of them.
I am not close to my brother. We live in the same town but I don't visit. But my nieces keep in touch with me. They are showing the same signs of molestation. Both or one is into drugs, the one who is the coastguard is doing okay but she is on antidepressants. I wish I could just come straight out and ask them to trust me. We would not have to tell on their father, but I know all these years and keeping all this shame inside of me has made me feel anxious, not worthy, second best.
I don't want them to wait years to get help. I think something did happen.
