Mixed-faith relationship?

[Non-Cognitivist=)]

OK, I registred here to get some input on this from the "other" side. The chances that I will ever find a woman who both arouses me sexually, and is compatible politically and faith-wise is rather slim. I would say nil. I don't think any couple can agree on everything 100%, and additionally, there are some relationship research conducted by dating sites, that shows that people who should be compatible quite often aren't.

I had a little discussion about this with some friends, and opinions seem to be that getting together with a christian girl would put me through some hardships that I hadn't even thought much about. For instance, if she is a devoted church-going christian, the relationship with her peers might get strained if she isn't joined by her husband, rumors etc. There might be differences about whether to baptize the baby or not. Where is the kid gonna go to school? Saying prayers while eating, etc.

On the other hand, seeing as a large amount of the population are practicing Christians, and that the amount of population sharing my philosophies are virtually nil, I don't know if I have much choice if I want to avoid having one-night stands till I die or ain't attractive enough anymore. So my question is whether anyone of you know of any mixed relationships that seem to work, and can tell me a little bit about the problems and how to sort them out?

 

[RobinRedbreast]

My husband is agnostic. Raised Christian but definitely does not practice, he has no interest in figuring out religion, it's just not on his life priority list. And that's fine.

The difference between us and the average Christian-nonChristian couple is that we're both very accepting, highly respectful people I don't mean that as a put-down to other Christians really, it's just that many hardcore Christians seem to forget what true respect and full acceptance for your peers really means. Most Christians practice what I see as "conditional acceptance" -- you're good how you are, but you'd be better if you were like me. I.. don't practice that kind of thought-training, lol. I think everyone can live a life at full potential exactly how they are now, and I accept everyone precisely as they are now.

My husband will go to church with me if I ask, no complaining, because he respects me. If I want to baptize our children, I doubt he'd argue. If I wanted to send them to private Catholic school I'm sure he'd be open to discussing that, that's a bit bigger of an issue because private school costs money that we don't have If I wanted to say prayers at meal time, he would be supportive. And so on.

Similarly, if he were to say "I really don't want to go to church with you," that would be ok with me. If he had strong objection to infant baptism, I'd listen and perhaps we'd simply wait and let the child decide when they were older. If he had valid reasons not to send our child to a private Christian school, I could get behind that, I'm a logical person. And so on, and so on.

We respect and accept each other so finding common ground is never an issue. Ever.

The main problems in Christian-nonChristian relationships is NOT the nonChristian typically. The problem stems from the Christian, or stems from any religious party who believes their way is the only way. or when both parties decide not to communicate and compromise on life situations because they want their way and their way alone.When you are with someone who says "this is the only way", and you aren't following that way, you can imagine that there could be a huge problem there right? If a problem were to crop up between my husband and I, basically it'd never be him that caused the problem... the problem would have to come from me being combative or forceful somehow and infringing on his rights to believe how he sees fit.

Edit: ON A SIDE NOTE: I'm not saying that nonChristians in inter-faith relationships never cause the problem, it's just that typically what I see is Christians force-feeding religion to their partners and it really becomes a problem. However, the nonChristian can still definitely cause a problem by having basically no respect for the Christian's beliefs. Whether you like Christianity or not, whether you believe it or not, if you are going to laugh at your parnter's beliefs, I hope they slap you in the face

The reason my husband and I work out just fine is that while I think there's only one way, I don't feel the need to force it down his throat, and I'm not bothered by his personal religious choices (should he have any).



The average hard-core conservative Christian however? Believes they cannot even date a non-believer because the Bible has told them not to (not to be unequally yoked with non-believers.. ie: don't marry them, because they will bring you down in your faith). For me, I don't put much stock in that, I believe God has given us way more strength and freedom than that, and that not every word in the Bible needs to be taken as literal and sole direction for our lives (it's a guide in the sense of a general overview, not in the sense of a step-by-step instruction manual).

In conclusion, there's no reason an inter-faith relationship can't work out. But if either party is expecting the other to change? Don't even bother. You can't be with someone for who they might become. A the end of the day, for me, it's all about true respect, true love, and true acceptance. If you find someone who has those characteristcs? You're set, no matter what religion they are.


Just for the record? I used to be an atheist, a pretty hardcore atheist too. It was actually an ex boyfriend who was Christian that got me on the path that I am now. So I have a lot of respect for mixed-faith relationships.

 

[Non-Cognitivist=)]

The difference between us and the average Christian-nonChristian couple is that we're both very accepting, highly respectful people I don't mean that as a put-down to other Christians really, it's just that many hardcore Christians seem to forget what true respect and full acceptance for your peers really means. Most Christians practice what I see as "conditional acceptance" -- you're good how you are, but you'd be better if you were like me. I.. don't practice that kind of thought-training, lol. I think everyone can live a life at full potential exactly how they are now, and I accept everyone precisely as they are now.

Hi! Thanks for the extensive reply.

I agree with a lot of what you say, but I don't think you have to be a Christian to practice conditional acceptance. I tend to be strongly driven by missionary motivation as well, when there is a new thought I am deeply convinced of, I tend to challenge everybody and everyone with it, perhaps a sign that the way I use arguments is comparable to using a weapon to win a war. It is pretty evident that such an attitude isn't beneficial for two people to be compatible, unless the significant other is self-extinguishing.

As for respect, that is part of what I wanted to dwell further into. Respect is a positive word that implies that there is one solution to a conflict of interest that is right, and another one that is wrong. Like an atheist not going to church with his wife could be seen as wrong.

I wasn't actually looking to brand anything as wrong, or give anyone the blame, I was merely after identifying the situations that would prove most controversial. I am just saying, I understand that you aren't trying to put more fundamentalist christians down or anything!

The main problems in Christian-nonChristian relationships is NOT the nonChristian typically. The problem stems from the Christian, or stems from any religious party who believes their way is the only way. or when both parties decide not to communicate and compromise on life situations because they want their way and their way alone.When you are with someone who says "this is the only way", and you aren't following that way, you can imagine that there could be a huge problem there right?

Yeah, I totally see your point. And I suppose the risk of 2 people not being able to find common ground is the more probable, the further apart they are from each other in the first place.

Edit: ON A SIDE NOTE: I'm not saying that nonChristians in inter-faith relationships never cause the problem, it's just that typically what I see is Christians force-feeding religion to their partners and it really becomes a problem.

Hehe... I have a bad history there... former intolerant aggressive atheist, lol.

However

, the nonChristian can still definitely cause a problem by having basically no respect for the Christian's beliefs. Whether you like Christianity or not, whether you believe it or not, if you are going to laugh at your parnter's beliefs, I hope they slap you in the face

I'll refrain from talking about russel's teapot then. If anything, I think it can be funny when people take a shot at my faith/lack of. Hehe.

The average hard-core conservative Christian however? Believes they cannot even date a non-believer because the Bible has told them not to (not to be unequally yoked with non-believers.. ie: don't marry them, because they will bring you down in your faith). For me, I don't put much stock in that, I believe God has given us way more strength and freedom than that, and that not every word in the Bible needs to be taken as literal and sole direction for our lives (it's a guide in the sense of a general overview, not in the sense of a step-by-step instruction manual).

Funny thing is that I think many non-believers will maintain this as well, you should believe in the Bible literally, because if you don't, it is not about what is right and wrong, it is only about your own comfort, and therefore, you shouldn't be allowed to believe. Non-believers haven't always got the most intellectual perspectives on how it would be possible to view the Bible differently. Extremists galore.

In conclusion, there's no reason an inter-faith relationship can't work out. But if either party is expecting the other to change? Don't even bother.

But how do I find out?

Just for the record? I used to be an atheist, a pretty hardcore atheist too. It was actually an ex boyfriend who was Christian that got me on the path that I am now. So I have a lot of respect for mixed-faith relationships.

You have respect for who you were yesterday? I wish I could say the same for myself.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

I do have a respect for what I was, yes. I'm not always necessarily proud of my past, I've had a questionable past at best, but I do respect how I've lived my life in each moment of time. Maybe I didn't make the best choices, but I was honestly trying my best. I gotta give myself some credit


Now there's a hard question to answer. "But how do I find out?"

Some people think they know... and then find out they were wrong We have a person over in the marriage forum who was 100% sure her and her husband had agreed on not having children. Turns out the entire time? He was expecting that she'd just change her mind. Now they are having quite the difficulty as you can imagine.

I guess when I think about it, there's never any way to be sure is there We've all (well ok, many of us) been in relationships where we thought we knew the other person, and yet the relationship failed because we found out we weren't compatible. It's scarey.

Every relationship is always a risk, even if you are the SAME faith. I guess in a way, that's just an indication of the complexity of life. Nothing is for sure, not one bloody thing (except God *coughs* but I don't feel the need to turn this into a preaching session, then again I never do, haha I'll leave that to the conservatives)

By the way, touching on but I don't think you have to be a Christian to practice conditional acceptance I happen to completely agree with you there. I personally find Christians to be particularly large offenders though, which is strange for a faith that preaches love and tolerance I have a saying I make quite often, "I think the amount someone is judging you seems to be proportional (multiplied by a thousand) by how many times they say 'Oh, I'm not judging you, I'd never judge you'"

 

[GreenMunchkin]

OK, I registred here to get some input on this from the "other" side. The chances that I will ever find a woman who both arouses me sexually, and is compatible politically and faith-wise is rather slim. I would say nil. I don't think any couple can agree on everything 100%, and additionally, there are some relationship research conducted by dating sites, that shows that people who should be compatible quite often aren't.

Hi I figure getting more than one perspective may be useful, so will ramble a little, if that's ok.

I think people often equate political leanings with spiritual ones, and it's a bit of a fallacy. That being said, there's also a sliding scale in terms of how fully a woman is submitting to God. That, ultimately, will impact your relationship more than your respective politics.

But, it's true, most Christian women who are running after God won't get into a relationship with a non-Christian. Will go into it a little further down

I had a little discussion about this with some friends, and opinions seem to be that getting together with a christian girl would put me through some hardships that I hadn't even thought much about. For instance, if she is a devoted church-going christian, the relationship with her peers might get strained if she isn't joined by her husband, rumors etc. There might be differences about whether to baptize the baby or not. Where is the kid gonna go to school? Saying prayers while eating, etc.

Have noticed that some Christians are often very quick to make disparaging remarks concerning other Christians, and it's hugely disappointing - but I'm not sure peer pressure is a huge part of it. While it's partially due to the Bible telling us not to be unequally yoked, it's eminently more complicated than that. You've touched on a coupla things that would inevitably cause problems. For example, if there are struggles - financial, with the kids, etc etc - and the woman's first instinct is to fall to her knees and pray to the One she considers her Father, it means the two of you are dealing with those every day struggles very, very differently, and that will eventually be terribly lonely-making. Equally, how are you gonna feel about seeing her do that? Derision? Indifference?

There are ancillary issues, such as whether sex before marriage is ok - issues that strictly delineate between Christianity and outside of it. Equally, it's even more complicated nowadays as anti-Christianity and militant atheism are on the rise. It's making a lot of people - on both "sides" - supah wary of the other group of people, and it's not a phenomenon that fosters trust, or kindness. For example, I briefly belonged to a site that was primarily atheists and Christians duking it out, and the primary proponent of the anti-Christianity there has a Christian girlfriend. I always wondered whether she knows that her boyfriend is making such humiliating - vicious - comments about her faith, her, and the God she believes in.

I'm not saying every - or even many - atheists are as polemical as him, but it's a paradigm that is definitely having an impact on how we all communicate and view one another. It's not the most overwhelming issue, but it's another one to add to the pile.

On the other hand, seeing as a large amount of the population are practicing Christians, and that the amount of population sharing my philosophies are virtually nil, I don't know if I have much choice if I want to avoid having one-night stands till I die or ain't attractive enough anymore. So my question is whether anyone of you know of any mixed relationships that seem to work, and can tell me a little bit about the problems and how to sort them out?

I really don't. Laws of probability alone says they're out there, but it's not something I've ever encountered. Unless you count d00d and his Christian chica. But, frankly, I don't think a relationship is working if someone is being hateful behind the other's back.

Again, though, there are nominal Christians out there who probably wouldn't have a problem with it. And am sure there are Christians who will pursue a relationship with whomever they fall in love with, and it's untrue that they will force Christianity down your throat. That's not what the majority of Christians do. Most of us are decent people who are struggling along our own paths What you have to understand is, most Christians truly want to follow God's will for their lives. Equally, most Christians believe they've been given salvation, and it hurts to think of someone you love not accepting that. It in no way means it's inevitable there'll be any shoving, but I think it does mean there will be a lot of pain, and pain that's dealt with outside of the marriage - with friends, pastor, etc. And if a husband and wife aren't able to share what's dearest to them, I can't see that doing anything other than eroding the marriage gradually.

You mustn't give up hope, though It always happens when we least expect it.

 

[Non-Cognitivist=)]

Hi I figure getting more than one perspective may be useful, so will ramble a little, if that's ok.

I don't bite.

I think people often equate political leanings with spiritual ones, and it's a bit of a fallacy.

A bit of a side-tracking, but how can you be sure? I thought there was a bit of statistical connection between certain parameters of religious devotion and party preferences? What if there is a neurobiological connection?

One she considers her Father, it means the two of you are dealing with those every day struggles very, very differently, and that will eventually be terribly lonely-making. Equally, how are you gonna feel about seeing her do that? Derision? Indifference?

Excellent question. I would remind myself of some psych stuff I have read, saying that prayer is an enforcer of psychological resilience. But I can't know fo sure. Is there anything I could do too make it less akward? I can't just sit there and look at her, leave her? Make coffee? Hold her? Pick up a magazine, then give her a hug later?

For example, I briefly belonged to a site that was primarily atheists and Christians duking it out, and the primary proponent of the anti-Christianity there has a Christian girlfriend. I always wondered whether she knows that her boyfriend is making such humiliating - vicious - comments about her faith, her, and the God she believes in.

1. He could have been a lying truck driver from bronx living with his mama.
2. He could have had the need to live out other sides of his personality online, not having the possibility to share his thoughts elsewere.
3. Why didn't you ask him?

I'm not saying every - or even many - atheists are as polemical as him, but it's a paradigm that is definitely having an impact on how we all communicate and view one another. It's not the most overwhelming issue, but it's another one to add to the pile.

Malicous ridicule is a given relationship-killah. Having secret thoughts about manipulating your significant other, or giving her psychotherapy to win her over, probably won't lead to anything other than lotsa headache.

And if a husband and wife aren't able to share what's dearest to them, I can't see that doing anything other than eroding the marriage gradually.

I occationally feel like sharing some of my thoughts, and get them off my heart. I share them online, I share them with my dad, my brother, some colleagues. They rarely 100% agree. But I feel good about it when I meet reactions that are different from "you are sick, you are insane, something is wrong with you," etc. So I have started to think that if I can have close relationships with people who disagree, that's gotta be OK as long as you don't get the negative reactions. People don't have to be my mirror image to be my friends. I just have to be comfortable around them.

You mustn't give up hope, though It always happens when we least expect it.

Well, then it's gotta happen soon, cuz my expectations aren't that high. lol.

 

[GreenMunchkin]

I don't bite.

I have to be fairly quick... (got a school reunion tonight. Why do we do these things?! Pantomime of pain.)

A bit of a side-tracking, but how can you be sure? I thought there was a bit of statistical connection between certain parameters of religious devotion and party preferences? What if there is a neurobiological connection?

Heh, for some reason that makes me think of a flux capacitor and flying delorian. Phail.

Sure, there's a correlation between faith and politics, but the former leads the latter, I think. Politics guides the world we live in; faith guides who we are as a person. Both important, absolutely, but our lives are altered more by our faith than by the world we live in. Partly because most Christians believe this world isn't our real home. And we're told to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's. Faith is far, far more important. Further, there's no mandate anywhere that categorically states that democrats and rebublicans, for example, don't mix.

Excellent question. I would remind myself of some psych stuff I have read, saying that prayer is an enforcer of psychological resilience. But I can't know fo sure. Is there anything I could do too make it less akward? I can't just sit there and look at her, leave her? Make coffee? Hold her? Pick up a magazine, then give her a hug later?

Meep. It all depends on the woman. But while you believe prayer is a psychological crutch, to a Christian it's something hugely different. And sharing those moments with the person you love is more valuable than I know how to express. Prayer is supremely powerful, and personal, and knowing your partner is merely tolerating it is gonna be terribly undermining, possibly even prohibitive - even if your parter is as supportive as you sound like you would be.

And can you honestly tolerate leaving the room or making coffee for the rest of your life? While it sounds doable in theory, I honestly can't see how that won't eventually start deteriorating the marriage.

1. He could have been a lying truck driver from bronx living with his mama.

True enough. I tend to believe him, though.

2. He could have had the need to live out other sides of his personality online, not having the possibility to share his thoughts elsewere.

Sounds unhealthy. That he even has that degree of scorn is an issue, whether he pours it on her directly or not.

3. Why didn't you ask him?

Was afraid

I occationally feel like sharing some of my thoughts, and get them off my heart. I share them online, I share them with my dad, my brother, some colleagues. They rarely 100% agree. But I feel good about it when I meet reactions that are different from "you are sick, you are insane, something is wrong with you," etc. So I have started to think that if I can have close relationships with people who disagree, that's gotta be OK as long as you don't get the negative reactions. People don't have to be my mirror image to be my friends. I just have to be comfortable around them.

To be friends? No. To be someone you're married to? That's an entirely different thing. Would you be able to handle her pain over not being with you in Heaven? If you saw her weeping and calling out to God for you, asking Him to touch your heart, would you be ok with that?

If she only ever took that pain to someone else, that will have a corrosive effect eventually. Similarly, if she was ever struggling with her faith, would you be able to direct her back towards God? And if not, that's honestly not an indictment of you. Not even a tiny bit. It's just something that we all go through sometimes, and your husband or wife being able to lead you back towards God is vitally important.

Well, then it's gotta happen soon, cuz my expectations aren't that high. lol.

Ack, it could be worse. I became a Christian when I was 27, and discovered that most Christians are married with kids by the age of 22. Your odds are better

Have to go and suffer quietly now Will be back later if you want to discuss more. If not, though, I really hope you get some answers