Misunderstanding/disagreement between Christians

[spavikevik]

Hello everyone. I am sorry that I turn to this forum only when I have problems, but I know that many brothers and sisters around here will understand me, and will try to help me. I love you all, as much as I (a mere man) can love, and I would like to be more active here.

But I need some help, and prayers (I will open a prayer request too) for some problems in my life.

I have one brother in Christ, one who I love dearly, as I love the other brothers and sisters also, but I can never agree with him. With many other brothers and sisters to whom I have talked to, we have always found a common ground to talk on, yea, we disagree from time to time, but we don't argue, or something like that..

I have talked to brethren from different (fundamentally same/similar) churches/denominations but we've always found a common ground.

But this is different. It is not big things that we disagree on, it's about small matters, about things that aren't even worthy to argue for, but yet, we still argue. We can never agree. There are always misunderstandings between us. This isn't the way it is supposed to be.

It is okay to disagree in love, but it is not okay to always have disagreements and misunderstandings which always lead to arguments.

I don't know what to do, and I have decided to not contact that person for a while, I am not angry at him, there is nothing unforgiven, but I simply don't know what else to do.

Please, I need an advice.

 

[child0fg0d88]

All I can say is to keep an open mind, and try to put yourself in his shoes when he gives his opinion about something. Weigh it against scripture if it has to do with your faith.

It is easy to be biased towards one's self because humans have a natural tendency to believe we are always right! Just try to view what he is saying from his perspective.

 

[Scottmcc1]

It could be that his knowledge is not based in love. Knowledge makes arrogant if there is no love with it.

1 Corinthians 8:1
Now concerning things sacrificed to idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies.

So if that is the case, just bless him and move on.

 

[parsley]

People who disagree often are sometimes competing over general position. Do you sense you are both trying to seem the better Christian... who knows more, who knows better, that sort of thing? It is natural to compete, but Christ suggests that we lay down our lives for our friends -- and that can mean giving in to winning.

Build him up, even when you don't feel like it. Offer help when he's in charge of something, and allow him to supervise things. Jesus speaks of "Heaping hot coals on" with your love -- going the extra mile, surprising people with your humility.

When we set an example like that, it might seem like we will lose everything; but usually people let their guards down and try to emulate a similar stance. It's great to live among people who want to help each other out.

 

[TamaraLynne]

I went to a bible study at a friends house a few years back. I was soooooo hungry to talk of the things of God that I was practically bursting. Everything went fine but the person leading the bible study got very upset when I did not agree with him. I'm very teachable but he was just as hungry and bursting to talk of the things he had learned that it was like butting heads...it was just for a few moments...I backed down but I knew that somehow I had bruised him.....I think when two people are passionate about God and they have not been given the opportunity to speak...that the passion in getting the others to see what you see can come across as anger or an argument....we have not butted heads since ....not sure if this is what you went through...I guess it would be discernment on your part as far as what are the disagreements about...where he is coming from or if it is just interpretation of scripture....I know that many people have taken one verse and they believe they see color purple in it but I saw pain...certain new things I have never heard of somehow pop up in one scripture for them...but I honestly did not see it and I let them know that I do not see what they see but some day maybe I will...because I'm still learning.

I lay out what God has shown me...but I listen to others...I hope I never have to argue alot with anyone...because it is not fun in any way shape or form to argue about God....

 

[Sketcher]

Seek to understand each other. Don't pursue the small, disputable matters. Be man enough to lead the conversation away from petty flashpoints.

 

[GodGivenWings]

Something I would consider is the conversations outside of God. I have HAD to step away from other brothers and sisters because associating with them was unhealthy in many aspects. The conversations were one sided, no matter what the main discusssion was. I found my spirit cringing at little comments being made, though these individuals never "meant" to hurt me. I found myself holding my breathe and waiting for the "get-a-way" opportunity. Honestly, I commend them for their individual walk with God. However, when being around certain individuals that leave me feeling spiritually drained and feeling as though NOTHING is being accomplished, then I NEED to step back (Good job, there.) and let God do HIS Work through whomever HE chooses to use as the vessel.

Hope it helps a little.

In Christ's Great Love,
Maarie

 

[quietpraiyze]

I think your decision to stay away from him for a while is a wise one. Now some things to maybe think about...

I believe that Charity covers a multitude of sins and disagreements and misunderstandings will happen. I also think sometimes as Christians we are dishonest with one another because most of us don't like confrontations. So we do this thing called "active avoidance". This is when we do "something", but not what we're supposed to be doing. That way we can rationalize the whole thing to ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for being such good Christians. When in reality we've done the person a disservice by not addressing the problem directly.

Is there a reason why you can't speak with the person about his behavior and how it makes you feel?

How is he supposed to know his behavior is a problem if you don't tell him?

Do you know of anyone else who has been having the same experience with him?

Are YOU provoking him? (I gotta ask)

Do you know what to say if you were to confront him?

It's not always easy but I think if we're going to have real relationship in the Body of Christ, we need to learn how to be honest with one another and confront one another in love. If you need some examples just read the Gospel (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). Jesus was really good at confronting people! I'll be praying for ya.


*You don't have to answer the questions. They're just something to think about.

 

[BFine]

There are some folks who like to "stir the pot"...
I have found that distancing myself from them is a
wise decision.

 

[spavikevik]

Well, I was totally disappointed in him yesterday, and I was a little angry at him, but today, I want to clear some things up, and explain this whole thing a little bit more.
I think I have my own fault too, but I repented of it, I asked this brother to forgive me, and he said that he forgives me, but the problem is still here.

I know him from primary school, and back then, I wasn't a believer (and so wasn't he, although he was taught about God from early age). I wasn't born-again, and I wasn't even aware that someday I will call that person a brother. I just saw him around, I didn't know his name, I knew literally nothing about him.
When I saw in him in church, I thought "what is he doing here?", "does he really believe?" So, I didn't communicate with him very much, I even underestimated him, and in meanwhile I developed close relationships with other brethren that I've met from my city. But it was since one day when I was with him and I thought "hey, I need to be closer with that person". So I started trying to invite him to talk, to become friends with him, but he always found a way to say "no" to me, and very rarely he accepted my invites. He always disregarded me.

When I reminded myself what I thought of him in the past (I was kinda the similar to him in my actions and thoughts) I felt very sorry and sad, and I told him about it, and asked him to forgive me. But nothing changed.

And yes, I have even accused that person of hating me, and I still cannot believe him when he says that he doesn't hate me, but rather loves me as his brother in Christ.

I don't know what to do. I prayed to God, I talked to other people also, most of them said it is a wise decision to not communicate with him for a while, but the last time I made that decision he was the first one to write to me on facebook chat, at first I didn't reply to him, but then I took back the decision, and I started writing to him.

And we argue over small matters.. Hmm, let me think of an example.. For example - I say to him "why did you say that to me?" (lets say he said that I am stupid - not a real example though) and he goes on to say "and why did you say that I hate you?" and we go on to argue about this and that, and unless one of us deliberately stops the argument, we could go on and fight.

We don't even discuss about some things.. I cannot talk openly to him like I can with other Christians. I don't feel such closeness, and I feel unable to talk to him about very normal faith things/questions.. I have told him that we are to serve the LORD, that we should do deeds that glorify Him, and he agrees on that, but we never go beyond that. I try to be open when I talk to him, I actually talk to him openly, but whenever I wait for a response, he doesn't seem to have one (this happens quite often). So I have learned that I cannot have an open conversation with him. Or as GodGivenWings said, it is a one-sided conversation. I just talk and talk and talk, but I never get a response. It's just me talking (and obviously I am the only one listening to my speech).

Why is that, I cannot know. I just don't want it to be that way.

 

[parsley]

People are very different from each other, even when united as brothers in Christ. There will be people who grate against each other, wherever you go. The Bible says "iron sharpens iron." Christian sharpens Christian -- grating against each other brings out good and bad things in you; it is making you more aware of how you might trigger his distancing.

You don't have to like everyone, even when you choose to show love to others. The truth is, there will be people with bad motives who mix into a church, and people with such damaged pasts that they find it difficult to love or be lovable. People who can't trust, based on bad experiences. And people who just get on each others' nerves.

A few people above suggested giving him a little distance, and I think that's a good solution. Think of it as choosing to talk to someone else with the time you have. (Absence makes the heart grow fonder?)

 

[GodGivenWings]

Spavikevik,

I know this will be hard for many to understand, but I will risk it anyway...

We ARE to LOVE All of our Brothers and Sisters, for each of us is on the journey to our heavenly home. This DOES NOT mean we have to be "best buddies" with all of our Brothers and Sisters.

In one sutation I was speaking of, in my previous post, was were a sister came across very harsh. I invited her to coffee and shared with her, "I love you as sister in Christ and I want to love you as a person." I came to understand her heart and where she was coming form. I did come to appreciate her and value her as a person, but that didn't stop the hurt I would feel when we had a moment to converse. So, I found myself with a choice: 1) do everything I can to "make this relationship work," or 2) Love her as a sister and let God continue to work on each of us seperately. For me, I found option number 2 better in the long run. We remained friendly without trying to be best friends.

In another situation I was speaking of, in my previous post, I was the one who couldn't get a word in edge wise. When I did bring up a topic or idea, it always came back to the other person taking over the conversation and telling me what I "should" do without actually taking time to help me decide what options might work best for 'me.' When I did have an open and honest conversation with this individaul we agreed we were two totally different people with two totally different perspectives. Even after trying to reach an agreement, there were things being said that poked holes in my spirit and left me feeling wounded. Again, I decided it would be better to love this brother from afar than to try to forge a friendship that was ultimately robbing me of life-giving joy.

Now, if we are all to be honest, we will see similar situations in our own lives. As much as we Love the IDEA of getting along with all of our brothers and sisters, there will be some we get along with more than others. If you want a Biblical example, look into Jesus and his disciples. There are three disciples he was closer to: Peter, James, and John. And John was "The disciple Jesus loved the most."

Now the questions I would give you to think about: Are you trying "so hard" to be close friends with this person because it's the "right" thing to do? Are you trying "so hard" to be his friend, because you were once really close and his friendship means that much to you? Are you trying "so hard" because you think God will be disappointed if you're not among his best buddies? Are you trying "so hard" because being his friend might bring "you" some kind of special reward down the road? Look at your motives... ARE they Sincere? And, do you honestly feel that the friendship has a chance of becoming something deeper?

Stepping back really IS a great choice. It will give you time to honestly evaluate the WHOLE relationship without the pressure of trying to "make it work." Relationships, no matter what kind of relationship it is, are a two way street. If one is not "working" then parking the car will give you time to reveiw your roadmap before you get yourself more lost on the journey. If your heart TRULY BEGINS TO SING when you thing about continuing to build this friendship, then you can start the car and continue driving with your map fresh in mind. If your heart continues to sink when you consider building a relationship with this person, then perhaps you need to turn the car around.

I PROMISE YOU, God will NOT condenm you if you can't continue in this friendship the way you had hoped to. Perhaps God Himself is maintaining a little strife between you because HE has other plans for each of you. As long as you have HONESTLY tried and SINCERELY desire the best for this brother, then not being his best buddy IS OKAY!!!

Pray about the situation, ASK God to guide you. Rest before taking action.

Hope this helps...

In Christ's Greatest Love,
Marie

 

[homeofmew]

Small matters divide the church. There's been churches that divide over weather zippers vs buttons are evil. Be carfeful about what matters you believe and are taught, analyze them. many churches say things because it sounds good to get money.

Good Luck

 

[parsley]

There are also family and past influences, like growing up with Orthodoxy or Islam and feeling like certain things "just aren't right" or "should be this way." People carry over a lot of what they used to believe when they have a conversion to another faith. And also personal opinion of what they wish Christianity would be.

Small matters divide the church. There's been churches that divide over weather zippers vs buttons are evil.

 

[peggy sue]

you will be happy to know you are not alone in your struggles with arguementitive people, even the apostle Paul had conflicts with other men in the faith, its best to just part ways in agreeing to disagree

 

[parsley]

Disagreements make us think.

Galatians 2:11 Read Chapter But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face.


Acts 9
Disciples adjust to Saul's conversion

Acts 11
when Peter came up to Jerusalem, those who were circumcised took issue with him, saying, "You went to uncircumcised men and ate with them."

Matthew 15:23
His disciples came and implored Him, saying, "Send her away, because she keeps shouting at us."


2 Corinthians 7:5-11
For even when we came into Macedonia

our flesh had no rest, but we were afflicted on every side: conflicts without, fears within. But God, who comforts the depressed, comforted us by the coming of Titus; and not only by his coming, but also by the comfort with which he was comforted in you, as he reported to us your longing, your mourning, your zeal for me; so that I rejoiced even more.

For though I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it--for I see that that letter caused you sorrow, though only for a while-- I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us.

For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.

For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter.

(Like you did.)

 

[fuji]

Hello everyone. I am sorry that I turn to this forum only when I have problems, but I know that many brothers and sisters around here will understand me, and will try to help me. I love you all, as much as I (a mere man) can love, and I would like to be more active here.

But I need some help, and prayers (I will open a prayer request too) for some problems in my life.

I have one brother in Christ, one who I love dearly, as I love the other brothers and sisters also, but I can never agree with him. With many other brothers and sisters to whom I have talked to, we have always found a common ground to talk on, yea, we disagree from time to time, but we don't argue, or something like that..

I have talked to brethren from different (fundamentally same/similar) churches/denominations but we've always found a common ground.

But this is different. It is not big things that we disagree on, it's about small matters, about things that aren't even worthy to argue for, but yet, we still argue. We can never agree. There are always misunderstandings between us. This isn't the way it is supposed to be.

It is okay to disagree in love, but it is not okay to always have disagreements and misunderstandings which always lead to arguments.

I don't know what to do, and I have decided to not contact that person for a while, I am not angry at him, there is nothing unforgiven, but I simply don't know what else to do.

Please, I need an advice.

Look at Jesus' disciples, they argued all the time and one even handed him over to be killed.

Also read this verse and tell me what you think it means.

"Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first." - John 20:4

There are no two people in the world that have the exact same view on life, so naturally people will always argue and always think they are right.