Missing Nana so much

[AmericanGirl54]

Almost one year ago my grandma passed away from cancer. We had not been speaking for almost four years. I live with my parents and I listened to my mother. My mother told me not to call back or write back to her because she and my mom were not getting along. I knew then and I know now it was wrong and I CANNOT forgive myself for that. When we got the news she was sick with cancer we went to see her and she was sick, but with it and I take a bit of comfort she got to see me while she was still in her right mind. After that visit something happened to her and she was not in her right mind. Everyone says it was the chemo or cancer tumor was affecting her brain, but I do believe that day we talked for two hours that she truly understand what I had to say and I feel as if she is talked with her heart. I talked her every single day. She had a horrible person taking care of her and that person stopped my grandma from talking to me that night and the next day she died. The last words we spoke to each other were "I love you" that part comforts me but I feel as if I cannot move on. I feel like I should be over this by now. It's Christmastime and I can't help but feel jealous when I see a women my age with her granddaughter. When I see little children with their grandma I start crying. I work at at store and I am just so so depressed. Christmas music makes me want to cry. I cry almost every single night. What if my grandmother did not love me? What if she never forgave me? After she died I had dreams of her but they were mostly dreams of when she and I were so much younger and happy times and her face looked so peaceful. Seven months ago my mother told me she had a vision and my grandmother spoke to her and said the place she was in was so peaceful and so beautiful and she would be staying there for a little while, but not forever and she was not sure where she was going next.
I don't know what to think about that. I have asked God over and over to send me signs she is in heaven, but nothing so far. I just don't know where she is. I know she was a Christian, but why oh why didn't I have any visions like my mother?

 

[edwardfsmith]

The vision is probably a gift from God through the holy spirit. It is not possible to know why, but he gives us what we need.

I understand not getting along with a parent and cutting back on their influence in your life. I had to do that with my father for my own mental health.

But cutting someone out of your life is never a good idea.

I still had love and respect for my father, probably more after I cut back on working with him. And I was the only one there when he died in my arms just a little over 2 years ago. Also from cancer

We are all human. I am positive that you are forgiven if you have asked.
I know that forgiving yourself is another matter. it is hard for me too

If I get the blessing of being able to have kids, my father will never see them. I hope I can pull off that miracle. I know he will do what he can from heaven to watch over me and a family.