Middle Child Syndrome?

[marezee]

Is there such a thing? If so, did you or one of your children go through this stage?

My middle child is now 4 1/2 years old.
Lately he has been getting very selfish, talking back to us, lashing out at his brothers when they won't share their toys, screaming when he doesn't get his way, etc.
I have been using time out, taking away toys and priviledges, confining him to his room, and a spank on the behind if all else fails.

I have heard people talking about middle children feeling lost in the shuffle, or unloved, but I feel that we give Stephen as much attention as the other boys. And of course we love him as much!
So, I am at a loss as to what is going on here. Any advice?

 

[faithmom]

I just gotta say, I have wacky kids. They each have their quirks, but I ran into more age-related challenges than I did birth-order stuff.

My oldest is the most challenging emotionally. She is honest, and creative, but she wants life to be about her at all times. She had the worste non-stop crying fits. She still can get into a good pity-me-fest. She is also headstrong and stubborn, and won't back down on what she feels strongly about. She is always putting my mother-hood nose to the grindstone, and I KNOW she does it to get attention.

My middle child is the easiest, but she has mastered "charm" like I never ever did....she was always very quiet, and studied everything very closely. Hubby and I used to worry that perhaps she was language delayed, only to find out her language scores are off the chart. She is the silent-but-dealy one, as she is a strategist to get what she wants. And she likes "stuff", and approval. She wraps teachers around her fingers to the point that it isn't fair to other kids - comes home with posters, books, etc from the teachers. And we have to convince them that is what is going on. She hates when we bust her, and she can't get away with it at home. Temper tantrums were never an issue. It was her plotting of revenge that was what kept us on our feet.

Our son, and youngest, is the most physically challenging one. We had to combat hitting and fighting really early in him, an he also get's himself hurt more (no fear!). He's the kid I'd wrap in bubble wrap daily if I could. His energy level drives some teachers batty, and he lives to show-off to and impress his buddies....but I do see that with a lot of the boys. He also is a mini-caveman. You can't get a word out of him when he is mad. Then he'll pretend like he didn't do anything after he's calmed down...not wanting to accept he has consequenses.

That said, these traits all seemed to come to a head in all of them just before 2 years old, eased off a bit at 3 to 4, then came out strong again from just before 5 until 7. With the girls, I am starting to see some hormonal stuff as they get closer to the tweens.

With each of them I had to learn a different control button. With the oldest, because she loves attention, when she was young, time-outs were effective. With the 2nd one, time-outs did nothing, but she loves stuff...so I'd take things away. With the son, he can't stand to sit (active!), so it didn't matter if he was alone or not, just having to sit with nothing to do was a good threat.

Now as they are older, I give out chores for "acts of disrespect". It makes my life easier, and they can "think about their actions" as they do them.

I don't know if that makes sense. But for me, even if the birth order issues may be there, it seems to be more of an age level/personality thing.

Weren't they easy from about 6 months to just before 2?

 

[lottepotte]

I was a middle one and felt that I did not get enough attention. If that was true, I don't know. But I did not get as much as I wanted. My mother said I was the most difficult child for her. I can see that I am quite like my father by character, more than my sister or brother. He was very sensitive and had problem with anger. I believe I am set free of these things, but I can see that these things are weak spots for me, but not for my brother and sister. So I suppose me being a difficult child for my mother is not just the middle child syndrome. Though I have also hard time with my son now (soon 4y old). He is middle one sensitive by character, careing, but easily angry- more than my soon 6y old daughter. (Hannababy is only 2 months- in the age of babyangel ). My son is very active and all bad things "just happen" while he gets less attention. If I stay in caring and close contact with him and I am focused on him, he is very friendly and soft. But this kind of contact is not possible all the time. I feel guilty in his situation today, because I started working while he was only nine months. I regret this, but I know this does nothing better. I am seeking opportunities for "recovering". I see I have reached closer to him, but there is a way to go. I do not have enough wisdom yet .

 

[cristianna]

Being one of 7, I don't know how you exactly define "middle child". I wasn't the oldest or the youngest.

I was a breeze to handle. I know that, and have been told that.

And interestingly enough I think it was Turning Point, Focus on the Family or something I was listening just this week that discussed labels we give children based on birth order.

The speaker actually said many birth order theories are just that, theories. Although I'm compelled to disagree with him. I think it does warrant some merit: children are children and are as unique as a fingerprint no matter their birth order.

I only have two, but am around many families with a middle child. From my outsider observations, to me it seems to be more of a problem with the child not understanding am I a big kid like my oldest sibling or am I to be younger like my baby sibling. It's almost like they are truly caught in the middle of the maturity of the two children surrounding them.

Without experience other than myself, in which my siblings were downright rotten, it's hard to say. But I will be very interested in reading other responses.

 

[marezee]

thanks to those who have responded.

Stephen seems to be sensitive also. But quick to get angry when he doesn't get his way.
The reason I brought up "middle child syndrome," is because of something Stephen had said to me.

Last week, when DH was home, Stephen wanted daddy to himself...but daddy was with Jacob reading a book. DH told Stephen that he would play with him as soon as he was finished with Jacob and the book.
Stephen did not like that answer, so he started blowing raspberries at daddy, and swinging at Jake. Then decided he would punch daddy.
So daddy reprimanded Stephen and put him in time out.
Angry, stephen started with his stomping and back talk.
We ignored it while he was in time out.
When time out was over, i went to talk with him and asked him why he was behaving like that.
Stephen said "when daddy doesn't play with me, it makes me feel like he doesn't love me!" Then of course the tears came! my heart just broke! I said "of course daddy loves you! He just needs to divide his time between 3 boys. Daddy will play with you when he is done with Jake."
Then daddy and stephen had a talk about love and being only one daddy for 3 boys.
I don't think Stephen really understands fully.

 

[cristianna]

Oh how heartbreaking for everyone involved! I feel for you, that must have been very difficult.

Just a thought, and you may already do this, but is there any type of regimented one on one time with them individually alternating between both your dh and self?

 

[marezee]

yes...some. but i have to say it is difficult!
And, Stephen gets to go next door for playdates with his friend more often than the other two boys.

 

[faithmom]

thanks to those who have responded.

Stephen seems to be sensitive also. But quick to get angry when he doesn't get his way.
The reason I brought up "middle child syndrome," is because of something Stephen had said to me.

Last week, when DH was home, Stephen wanted daddy to himself...but daddy was with Jacob reading a book. DH told Stephen that he would play with him as soon as he was finished with Jacob and the book.
Stephen did not like that answer, so he started blowing raspberries at daddy, and swinging at Jake. Then decided he would punch daddy.
So daddy reprimanded Stephen and put him in time out.
Angry, stephen started with his stomping and back talk.
We ignored it while he was in time out.
When time out was over, i went to talk with him and asked him why he was behaving like that.
Stephen said "when daddy doesn't play with me, it makes me feel like he doesn't love me!" Then of course the tears came! my heart just broke! I said "of course daddy loves you! He just needs to divide his time between 3 boys. Daddy will play with you when he is done with Jake."
Then daddy and stephen had a talk about love and being only one daddy for 3 boys.
I don't think Stephen really understands fully.

Actually, I know it all feels really sucky, but I think this was pretty normal in any family with more than one kids. I also think you and DH handled it really well. It may not make sense yet, but if the messege stays consistent, as he matures, it will.

It is the same challenge that I have with my older daughter, she craves attention (in a way that would never be enough...and we're pretty attentative and affectionate here) and there are 3 kids, a business to run, and a life to live. So, we have to tell her that what we have to offer has to be enough.

As kids get older, it has to be accepted that they cannot always have the attention they want. No human being on Earth has the capacity to completely feed the empty emotions we all feel now and then (don't we all know that from marriage). Sometimes we will be alone, will have to occupy ourselves, and will have to accept that other people close to us may have something we don't (eg...when your boys are older, and one gets to drive before the others, or another gets to go to a camp, or maybe another has a lot of sleepoveres and/or birthdays they are invited to...but the other isn't. Maybe one of them gets a better first job than the others).

Gradually dealling with the idea that life with siblings is not an equal playing field, even though Mom and Dad do their best to be fair and just, gets them ready for adult issues. When a friend makes more money than they do, or has a different job or educational opportunities, or maybe a co-worker gets a promotion they wanted and worked just as hard for. What if one of them marries a great wife, another of your boys just can't find that right person. God doesn't sheild us from all pain, he teaches us to cope. And you are doing the same for your son.

Mare....you guys did a great job.

It just feels sucky sometimes, 'cuz we don't want them to hurt. Ever.

 

[fuzzymel]

I am a middle child. I believe in middle child syndrome to a certain extent.

The oldest one gets to all the milestones first and the youngest is always the baby. Being in the middle you can sometimes almost feel left out.

My parents did a great job raising us. I think sometimes its just in the mind more than anything.

 

[marezee]

thanks for the encouragement Faith and Fuzzymel.

 

[jgonz]

We "sort of" have the middle child thing going on... My 14 yr old isn't Quite old enough to hang with his older siblings (23, 18, 16), who are in a Christian rock band and do stuff with the youth group... but he's a little too old to be hanging out with the youngest kids (9.5, 7.5, 5.5) and playing games like they do anymore. He's sort of stuck in the middle sometimes...

We're trying to help him a little by having him do special things with DH (trips to Home Depot, helping with the vehicles, etc.), giving him more "grown up" responsibilities, and asking him to Watch the younger kids (vs expecting him to Play with them). So far it's working pretty well...

 

[AJ29]

I am going to jump in and be totally UNhelpful by saying that I am very concerned that middle child syndrome could be an issue in our family.

We have 2 boys. There are plans to have a 3rd baby (feel free to flame me - you know what I am hoping for). I KNOW that if my 2nd son was a girl, I wouldn't have had any more babies. I simply get too sick when I am pregnant.

I really hope that my 2nd son doesn't feel unloved and unwanted (he was wanted either way, and I absolutely adore him - he is just the most amazing little boy you have ever met - there is no way you could ever "regret" him). Ido know how hard it will be on him though if I am sick again, and like others have said, by not being old enough to be a "big boy" and being too big to be a "little boy", I know things are going to be difficult to keep in balance. Also, given how placid and easy going he is, he could easily "miss out" on attention that the other kids might demand.

I will be back for more tips myself, when my kids get older, and when we have a 3rd one to alter our little balance!!

 

[marezee]

thanks for your input jgonz!! It means a lot to me, especially considering the size of your family. How to you individualize your attention to each child? that must be one of the most difficult things about raising such a large family. I commend you for it!

AJ! I was in the same place you were b4 we considered having a third child. We also hoped for a girl...but i too have no regrets about having 3 boys! I love them the same! it doesn't matter what gender they are!
My husband is the youngest of 3 boys. And my BIL (the middle child) spoke to us about middle child syndrome b4 we had our third child. He said that he always felt left out and unloved. My MIL on the other hand thinks it is poppycock! who knows.
All I know is that my middle child is acting out more and more as time goes by. He is seeking negative attention.
And I don't understand it, because we give him positive attention all the time. But on the other hand, we cannot leave the other 2 out, so it does take some balancing and careful planning.
Nick, my oldest is 5 1/2. He is in Kindegarten all day. So he misses out on things that the other 2 get to do while Nick is in school. On occasion, my DH will take Nick by himself somewhere because of that situation. And Stephen (the middle child) gets jealous and acts out.
DH does take the time to do individual things with Stephen so it's not like he doesn't have that one-on-one time. I just don't get it! I am hoping Stephen will grow out of this stage. Maybe when he is in school full time and develops friendships with his peers, he will have a better attitude.

 

[jgonz]

How to you individualize your attention to each child? that must be one of the most difficult things about raising such a large family.

It's a balancing act for sure. Sometimes I feel split into Several different pieces trying to keep up with the different levels of maturity and conversation in my house. lol Just focusing in on the one who's talking to me at the moment (or the one I need to talk to) helps a lot.

 

[lottepotte]

Marazee, speaking about your middle-one you are like speaking about my middle-one (will be 4 in July). You also have children with very little agedifference. I think this could also affect the middle-one.

My son is driving me nuts sometimes. This morning he had very bad attitude during the breakfast and demanded jelly while I was helping the sister. I said to him that I do not hear your sayings while you are not polite and continue asking with whining voice, if you ask nice I will hear and gladly give this to you. He continued and started threaten to destroy the chair and so on. Finally I became loud and sent him away from dining table. He knew that if he comes back he will be punished, so soon he calmed down and ate his breakfast. I spoke to my husband, what I did wrong and how we should react next time. First I should hold my peace and just ignore his attempts to get attention with these threats. I will send him kindly away if he does not stop. We will see how this works. I need in our case to be more patient. But I feel that I am not able to be patient enough without more wisdom in these matters.

Last autumn I was really worried about him demanding attention with this bad-boy imago. I said to him that your actions are bad, but truth is that you are a good boy, and bad actions do not suit you. It seemed like being a good boy was no motivation for him at all. Only since winter I can see that he enjoyes more and more being so called good boy.

 

[lottepotte]

Thank you opening this tread. This makes to think... today being outside with kids I thought about individualizing attention to each child. I discovered that this is so important even in these situations were kids expect my attention at the same time and I have to say to someone to wait... often there is opportunity for this someone to feel left outside. That makes difference how I explane they have to wait, do I say something quicly or do it with full attention.

 

[marezee]

yes, i think that is what jgonz was saying. when you speak to an individual child, make sure that (s)he has your full attention.
I do this when speaking with DH also. I ask the boys to say excuse me when they want to talk while we are talking. If the answer is "no, please wait," it sometimes brings on a whine or tantrum.
But when I am speaking to one of the boys, I must give them the same curtesy.

 

[Robinsegg]

I can recommend the "Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman. It tells about the different birth orders, and how to make the best of each
Rachel

 

[marezee]

why thank you Robin! I'll check it out!