Messed up mess - Insight please

This is a pretty long story, so I will try to keep it as easy to follow as I possibly can.
My oldest daughter is getting married next year, she is 18 and her boyfriend proposed and she said yes. They both received scholarships to attend college and they are going to go. They are going to need a lot of support over the next four years to make this all work. I am willing to support them as much as I possibly can.
Me and my daughters father are divorced, we have been divorced since she was 2 years old. We also live in different states. Well here we go...
two years ago my daughter had a boyfriend that was really leading her down the wrong road, we had problems and it led to a lot of arguements but in the end God handled those problems and she got away from him. Well over the last two years she met a guy and he is a really nice boy. My husband and I really like him and he seems to treat my daughter right and with a lot of respect. Well back when she was dating the other guy, I had informed her dad of the problems and the trouble the guy brought to his daughters life, but when he met him he was really nice to him and just kind of welcomed him, but when he met her current boyfriend he was hateful to him, made him feel really bad and he was nervous to see him again.
Anyways.. on to the story.. Since my daughter accepted her boyfriends proposal, (3 weeks now) she has been waiting to see her dad to tell him the news, well he broke a promise to her about coming up this weekend so she ended up telling him on the phone. He went bolistic over it and said he would not attend and the marriage was doomed. He also said if she does it, then she needs to just leave him alone. My husband is more then willing to walk her down the isle and do the "dad" role, since he has basically been doing it since she was 3 years old. But thats not the point. How can he be so hateful? I think they are a little young to be getting married, and I have voiced that opinion, but I am willing to support them both and be there for them. I am not going to miss my daughters wedding. I cant make the choice for my daughter, if i could, I would have them wait till they are done with college, but it is not up to me.
Also he said if she was 24,25 then he would reapproach the subject and discuss it then. I am trying to figure out the age situation. I know people who have been married since they were 16 yrs old and have been married 45 years. I also know people who were married at 30 and divorced two years later. I dont think age has a lot to do with this. I think he has a motive that I am not sure of. Why would he welcome the boyfriend that was bringing such doom to her life and then be hateful to the boyfriend that was treating her right?
I also dont think this has anything to do with, he dont want his daughter to grow up etc etc etc.
Now she is worried if he changes his mind and attends it will just be to cause problems at the ceremony or reception. She said if that was to happen or he doesnt show up period then she dont want him there for any of the other "big moments" in her life.
I would just like some insight on how to help my daughter through this and what to expect.

vanilla8 said:

Your husband is probably trying to get at you, not your daughter. He maybe sees a lot of you in her and reacts to that.
Ex-husbands can be tricky, I have two.
But you can't make him be nice or reasonable so all you can do is pray that God manages the situation and give your daughter as much support as she needs.
In fact, pray about everything! Even minor details so that you are placing the burden in the Lords hands and not carrying it by yourself.

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I expected him to be a little irrate over the situation. I never expected him to say he wouldnt attend. Its not the first dissappointment though for her. His wife has kicked her out of his house on a visitaiton, he didnt show up for her baptism, they dont remember her on christmas or birthdays etc.. My husband has two children from a previous marriage and no he dont always remember the birthdays or he will remember it early on. I have made it my job to remember them and buy the card and give it to him to fill out and whatever else he decides to send. His children are grown adults and we dont forget them on their b-days or christmas. My daughter is starting to see a pattern and she dont understand why she gets forgot or why unless she is there she dont get anything from him.. She has never asked him for anything and I havent either. He has paid his child support, but still.... a card would be reasonable. If for some reason he isnt seperating the two of us and taking his anger out on her because of me, he is blowing it. I dont understand. Its almost like he is saying when she turns 18, i am done or thats when i will have my relationship with her..
Through all the stuff that has occured, for example the way his wife treated her over spring break three years ago, to just be forgot. She wont forget it and she will not go down there anymore for more then a few days. That situation was pretty horrible. His wife said it was her or his daughter, the cops got called, he had to wrestle his wife to the ground to keep her from leaving.
Before that she was expected to go to her dads, but after that she was 15 and i left it up to her. I told him not to call me and ask anymore. I told him to go directly to her and ask. A lot of those problems are because she will not agree to move down there. It has been the problem since she entered high school. He did say he blamed me for all of this because for some reason she thinks getting married is an option. I never told her it was or wasnt an option. I told him he can not put what society has done for years into my lap. If you look at society, it is what happens, of course the feminist out there are trying to change that and believe me, I think a woman should know how to take care of herself before they get married. I really dont want to get into the feminist movement because that opens a whole can of worms that I dont even want to start.

madison1101 said:

Your ex and his wife sound like very selfish, immature people. Your daughter is going to have to learn to work through that relationship, and deal with it. It is not right, but it is what it is.

I would suggest that your daughter get into therapy to help her learn to deal with her father's ill treatment of her, and to enable her to enter into her marriage with less baggage than she has now.

I would also suggest that you try to separate yourself from your daughter's relationship with her father. If she is an adult and old enough to marry, then it is time for her to deal with her father, without your interference. It is obvious you love her, but it is time to respect the boundaries and let her deal with Dad.

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What boundaries are you suggesting that I am crossing over? Is it because I posted here? I posted here for some Christian advice on how to help my daughter through this. I am not going to abandon her.

I dont make the choices for my daughter where her dad is concerned, i leave that up to her. I have sat back idle while they pull their stunts on her and have not said anything and still havent said anything. I told her its her choice on whatever she decides. I have never interfered where her dad is concerned. He doesnt call me except to yell about something she is doing, the rest of the communication is between them, i am not involved period. Most of the time I do not even know when he calls her.

I am just REALLY TIRED of a week of tears now because of this and really needed some Christian fellowship and advice.