Men, arrgghhhh!

[eatenbylocusts]

This is really a continuation to my nightmare thread, but it needed to be re-named since the nightmare really isn't the issue now.

The guy I'm dating (used to be exclusive bf) went to the movies with my kids last night and then we had lots of hugging and kissing. (I've been gone for 2 weeks on vacation).

Tonight he asked me to come to his church for a special service. He suggested I bring my kids, but I ended up leaving them with my mom since I wanted some time alone with him. He introduced me to his pastor tonight as his "friend".

We had dinner and talked for quite a while about money, businesses, etc. He asked me if I would support him in his business ventures if we got married. He walked me to my car and was just going to stand outside to say goodnight. I asked him to sit down. He kissed me briefly and was ready to go. I let him know that I wasn't ready to say goodnight, but he wanted to go. I was hoping to discuss the direction our relationship was going. Yeah, it bothered me to be introduced to his pastor as a "friend". He called me as I was driving to make sure I was going in the right direction and then called me back a few minutes later. He asked why I was being so quiet and I told him that it probably wasn't the best time and he kept asking why. I told him that I was disappointed and confused as to where our relationship was going. He promptly tried to change the topic and when I commented on that he said that there would be a better time to talk later.

 

[SoC]

The guy I'm dating (used to be exclusive bf)

I get so confused about the whole exclusive/non-exclusive thing. What exactly does that mean? Are you a couple or just friends?

My thinking is that when you are dating someone, you are committed to that person, and only that person, until you break it off or get married (in which case the commitment is a lot deeper). How some people can say it's okay for their boyfriend/girlfriend to date other people at the same time is beyond me.

Having just read what I typed, I realize that can sound controling. It's not. I believe that we are meant for one person, and seeing other people at the same time sets a nasty precedent for a marriage relationship. Would you want your husband or wife to be exclusive or not? Why have a dating relationship that is not exclusive? That's just asking for trouble.

Also, if he can't/won't talk about the relationship, then don't have one with him.

 

[Johnnz]

Relationships often develop at different speeds for each person. Give him some time to sort out where his is at with you. Enjoying him and being a great person to be with will do more for him than demanding his 'spelling out' where the relationship is at.

John
NZ

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I get so confused about the whole exclusive/non-exclusive thing. What exactly does that mean? Are you a couple or just friends?

That's what I would like to know. I don't kiss my friends on the lips so for me that would put him in the bf category, but then he introduces me to his pastor as his friend. A while back we agreed to go from exclusive to not exclusive because after I asked for some clarification he said that he did not know yet if we were headed for marriage. I did go out with someone else and it was a strange situation.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Relationships often develop at different speeds for each person. Give him some time to sort out where his is at with you. Enjoying him and being a great person to be with will do more for him than demanding his 'spelling out' where the relationship is at.

John
NZ

I was trying to give him time. At the end of May we agreed not to date exclusively anymore because he was unsure if we were headed to marriage. He started being very attentive for a while after that. A month before he had asked me if I wanted to get married, but we had only been dating a short time then. I asked him what had changed and he said he didn't know, but I'm pretty sure he was holding back telling me something. He was busy with classes so I didn't push him for further explanation.

When I was gone with my family on vacation he called me frequently and kept mentioning that I could visit his parents and sister who live near one of my vacation stops. I told him that would be a good opportunity if I knew where our relationship was headed. He changed the subject.

 

[...butterfly...]

I'm praying for you...cause I dont know what to say ...

 

[Johnnz]

From your last post I would not push. You will need time to assess who he is and where he is coming from in several areas. Some of his reactions would alert my radar and I would want to know a lot more about him.

John
NZ

 

[SoC]

That's what I would like to know. I don't kiss my friends on the lips so for me that would put him in the bf category, but then he introduces me to his pastor as his friend. A while back we agreed to go from exclusive to not exclusive because after I asked for some clarification he said that he did not know yet if we were headed for marriage. I did go out with someone else and it was a strange situation.

Bluntly, that sounds like breaking up without the breaking up. It sounds like he's got commitment issues. To borrow someone else's phrase, it sounds like he's just not that into you.

I could be completely wrong, seeing as I'm not involved in the relationship, but from the look of things, that's what I'm thinking.

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

Personally, If a guy kept avoiding the relationship subject, when it really needed to be talked about, I would be worried about whether or not he was ready for any type of comittment, especially if he doesn't want to be exclusive to you. If you are ready for a comitted relationship, then I would suggest moving on, and praying that God will bring somebody who's ready for comittment. Or you could just pray that God will bring light to this situation now, and just entrust it to him?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Bluntly, that sounds like breaking up without the breaking up. It sounds like he's got commitment issues. To borrow someone else's phrase, it sounds like he's just not that into you.

I could be completely wrong, seeing as I'm not involved in the relationship, but from the look of things, that's what I'm thinking.

He's not trying to break up with me. I know he cares for me and he is the one asking me out and for the most part I let him do the calling. I don't think there's any doubt that he is avoiding talking about our "relationship". He suggested that I bring my kids to his church service last Sunday eve. (which I didn't) and to a bar-b-que at his church next week. This is the first time that he has asked me to do this. Sometimes Sunday is the only day we get to see each other. He gets along great with my daughter, but he hasn't really developed any kind of relationship with my 14 yr old son. I don't really want my kids getting that close to him until I know he's committed to marrying me so he's going to have to let me know his plan.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Personally, If a guy kept avoiding the relationship subject, when it really needed to be talked about, I would be worried about whether or not he was ready for any type of comittment, especially if he doesn't want to be exclusive to you. If you are ready for a comitted relationship, then I would suggest moving on, and praying that God will bring somebody who's ready for comittment. Or you could just pray that God will bring light to this situation now, and just entrust it to him?[/quote]

Sounds good. I've been praying for wisdom and direction for both of us. We need some time alone to talk.