Memorial Day

[blackribbon]

I didn't think about it being Memorial weekend when I went to church yesterday...so I wasn't prepared for the emotions that hit when honoring the veterans. My hubby didn't die in the service but we were married when he was active in the Navy and he did serve during the entire 1st Persian Gulf War. The songs and stories bring up all the emotions I felt during those days...worrying that he could die. He believed that his cancer was related to his service...either from the million of vaccines that they shot him up with or some of the chemicals that spilled on him when he was working on the fighter jets on his carrier. Anyway, church was hard. And even harder because he wasn't in any of the groups that were honored...he wasn't active any more and he didn't die while serving...however, he served proudly and with honor and he has died.

I wonder when this holiday won't bring tears anymore.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Hi blackribbon, that's awesome that your late-husband served in the war, and you were in the right place at church yesterday whether you're feeling it or not. Sometimes sister, I think that tears are good, they're purging, when I'm hurting I feel better after a good cry. I didn't get to my late-hubby's grave yesterday, I've been somewhat ill and housebound the last day or two. But I intend to go there tomorrow. May we never forget our servicemen, and our wonderful late-hubby's, I know I won't. Blessings!

 

[zmartha]

I had a similar reaction Sunday morning. Our little country church for many many years holds a Memorial service on Monday. I had planned to go, but our preacher started his regular sermon with a little memorial talk about those out in the cemetery, and the emotions immediately hit me hard, even tho it has been nearly 3 years, so much so that I told the preacher afterwards that I didn't think I could go to the service the next day cause it would just make me sad. He said, "it is good to remember those who have passed on." And I said, "I remember, usually 7 days a week and don't want to go a place where I will feel more sorrow." He & his wife understood--they are our-now my--best friends.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't think people really understand that we DO still think about them 7 days a week...and time passage doesn't seem to change that. I'm not so sure that I even think of it as "remembering" him...so much as he is still part of my daily thinking. I still mentally "talk" to him about decisions I have to make concerning life and the kids.

 

[zmartha]

You put it well when you say, "I'm not so sure that I even think of it as "remembering" him...so much as he is still part of my daily thinking." I don't "dwell" on him daily, he is just such a part of me that he is always there. Thank you for hitting it so right on the nail.

 

[Lladro]

I don't think people really understand that we DO still think about them 7 days a week...and time passage doesn't seem to change that. I'm not so sure that I even think of it as "remembering" him...so much as he is still part of my daily thinking. I still mentally "talk" to him about decisions I have to make concerning life and the kids.

As long as you still love him he will always be with you.
That might change if you meet someone else and start to move on, even then he will still be with you.

 

[blackribbon]

As long as you still love him he will always be with you.
That might change if you meet someone else and start to move on, even then he will still be with you.

I don't believe this to be true...he will always be a part of who I am regardless of who I love in my future. I know this both from experience and from watching other widow/ers who have found amazing new loves and have remarriage. To make this understandable, I don't love one child at a time and focusing on one doesn't deplete the love for the other...I can very easily love them both with my whole heart...love isn't divided, it multiplies.

 

[Lladro]

As long as you still love him he will always be with you.
That might change if you meet someone else and start to move on, even then he will still be with you.

I don't believe this to be true...he will always be a part of who I am regardless of who I love in my future. I know this both from experience and from watching other widow/ers who have found amazing new loves and have remarriage. To make this understandable, I don't love one child at a time and focusing on one doesn't deplete the love for the other...I can very easily love them both with my whole heart...love isn't divided, it multiplies.

So would you spend all of your time thinking about the people who you were once with?
would you still talk to them as if they were with you? or would you try and concentrate on the one you were with?
Life is too short to live in the past there will be plenty of time to do that when you're old.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't spend all my time thinking about my husband...however, he is part of me. For example, if I decide to do something that he would of objected to...I kind of tell him to "be quiet..he doesn't get a vote anymore" or if I do something that he would have liked or approved, I kind of smile. But I notice. And I know a widower...a very well-adjusted widower...whose wife died 8 years ago and he remarried a woman he loves very much about a year ago. This man is on a very private small egroup with me and a handful of widows & widowers that lost our spouses young...where we can post things that are very widow specific and real heart issues. Through this group, we got to watch him fall in love and remarry...and in spite of the fact his new wife has his whole heart, his dead wife is still apart of his daily thinking. It isn't a comparison and contrast thing...it is just a part of how he thinks. Trust me, his new wife isn't slighted by this and actually is wise enough to encourage him to share those thoughts. As for me...every day my daughter looks more and more like her daddy and my son acts more and more like him. I'm not sure even if I didn't want to think about him, how I would escape it when I am surrounded by little living pieces of him.

You know, Christ isn't with us in a tangible or physical way...but yet we are charged to keep our hearts and minds on Him in every thing we think and do. Why would it be strange to assume that a man that my whole life focused around for 20 years wouldn't be part of my daily thinking regardless of where the rest of my life takes me.

And I don't know about you...but I really don't think they are very far away from us, even now. There are times and experiences that I've had that make me believe that our world is only a veil away from where they are right now. They are not dead and gone...only not here on our earthly world. And since I personally believe that time exists only as a human phenomenon, they may be even closer than we are aware of.

I am not "living in the past"...I am very much in the present...I have to be, I have kids that are growing daily. I don't long for the "old days", I miss that he isn't here in the "right now" with us watching his children grow into people that we would both be very proud of. He isn't like my grandparents who came in and out of my life...he was part of my life for 24/7 for almost half of my life. I am who I am because of him.

I read a study on widows...one of the few ones that studied widows beyond the first year. This one actually was surprised to find that it was normal for widows/widowers to think about their dead spouses on a very regular basis (more than once a week) for an average of 37 years past their death date. If you consider normal life spans, I'm guessing this number corresponded more to the death of the surviving spouse than the fact that they stopped thinking about them. The widows that stayed with the study the longest (and therefore got the numbers up to 37 years) were mostly the ones that adjusted the best and often remarried happily.

 

[BigMomma]

That might change if you meet someone else and start to move on, even then he will still be with you.

I'm a widow remarried. I still grieve for my first husband. There will only ever be one of him Having someone new to love doesn't change that. I remember visiting with my grandmother and she wept when she was telling me something about my grandfather and it has been over 20 years since he died. They will always have a special place in our hearts But the grief will become less raw. Less overwhelming. At first I would have days that it was hard to function and one just had to force oneself to do the next thing. But it is less raw now but still, something can happen, someone can do or say something and the pain is there. I think it will always be until the resurrection. After all we had been one flesh for 17 years and had 8 children together. Part of who I am now, is because of him

 

[blackribbon]

Thank you BigMomma. I think the fact that most widows just shut up about how our life is that it helps perpetuates the misunderstandings of what it is like to be widowed (even to other widows who wonder why they aren't 'normal'). I am amazed at how many people think that there is something magical about the one year mark...and how we are supposed to "get over it" and we should "put them in our past" like people whose relationships have ended. There is so little emotional, spiritual, or physical support for widows beyond that first year. And I hate the attitude that if I'm not "happy" and upbeat all the time now that I am not walking with Christ and there is something wrong with my spiritual life. I also am tired of having people think that I should just find someone else...like there is a Husbands R Us store somewhere around. I can still be a good person and not find a new husband because I am not willing to take "good enough" for a husband. I kind of want "great!" again this time. It exists...I had it once. Marriage is too hard to settle for "good enough".

 

[BigMomma]

I am amazed at how many people think that there is something magical about the one year mark...and how we are supposed to "get over it" and we should "put them in our past" like people whose relationships have ended. There is so little emotional, spiritual, or physical support for widows beyond that first year. And I hate the attitude that if I'm not "happy" and upbeat all the time now that I am not walking with Christ and there is something wrong with my spiritual life.

I have another widowed friend who thought the 2nd year worse than the first. Perhaps for the reasons you mention but also there are different issues to deal with. Facing a new reality. It is not easy.
And I am not keen on the theology of needing to be upbeat. I think if one reads the Bible there is a lot of suffering and people are real about it. The Psalms are so good for that. They deal with real emotions, even in their raw state. And not of all of them are happy ones! But God is good, He is bigger than every circumstance. I turned 40 a couple of months after my husband died and it was also around Fathers' Day and I just wanted to see mountains. I needed to know how BIG God was and the God that was really really BIG was the source of my help. So I took the children and went to the mountains. Whatever happens we have to keep seeking God Sometimes that is a struggle in a church. But never give up on Him He hears our cries.

 

[blackribbon]

I'm finding each year brings its own challenges. As I struggle through my 4th year, I am dealing with the extreme loneliness this life brings. There are no support groups for this stage and most of the world thinks you should be "better" by now...the kids take up enough time to limit the ability to foster many adult friendships...and "dating" isn't something that could contemplate at this stage in life even if I happened to know any single men.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm finding each year brings its own challenges. As I struggle through my 4th year, I am dealing with the extreme loneliness this life brings. There are no support groups for this stage and most of the world thinks you should be "better" by now...the kids take up enough time to limit the ability to foster many adult friendships...and "dating" isn't something that could contemplate at this stage in life even if I happened to know any single men.

I totally agree! Most people (who haven't gone thru it) think you should be "over it" by now and if you need help you should be looking for a new mate, but some of us just can't do that either because we have kids or we just aren't ready for that. Maybe we need to start a group for long time widows/widowers

 

[BigMomma]

the kids take up enough time to limit the ability to foster many adult friendships..

so true...
And then if we take time away from our kids we feel guilty. It is hard to people to understand. Yet the Bible clearly says it is not good to be alone. And we have to have friendships otherwise we put our heart in a dangerous place.
I would often pray, Psalm 34:10, Lord you promise if we seek You, you will give us all we need. Praying for you, Blackribbon, that God will provide some friendships that meet your needs without taking too much time away from your responsibilities to the children.

 

[robertadico]

Being with the parent in a holy places....