Meatloaf

[flowerforever7]

Okay, here I am posting again because I am having trouble discerning what is OCD and what is me, and some parts could be OCD and some parts could be me...

Here we go. Tonight, I had a choice of chicken or meatloaf leftovers for dinner at the person's house I am staying at. I wanted meatloaf over chicken. One time I remember eating beef and it seemed to aggravated my OCD I had a noticable spike afterward. So, I thought it may not be good to have the meatloaf because that could cause worse OCD symptoms and that I should probably have the chicken. That most likely would be what the Holy Spirit would want me to do in this situation is my guess, especially because I have been suffering so much with OCD. Anyway, I chose the beef because I wanted it. I am tired, so tired of denying myself. I fast so much from things I want for other people and stuff; and I just wanted the meatloaf. So I put it on my plate feeling guilty the whole time that I was probably going to make my OCD worse, and was going against God's will for me in this situation. I thought about putting it back, but the woman I am staying with was right there in the kitchen. (I should have put it back anyway). I thought of Esau selling his birthright over a bowl of soup. I put it in the microwave, and while waiting to eat it, I felt a spiteful feeling and pictured the Holy Spirit and mentally said f*ck you in like a ha ha kind of way. I so don't think I meant that. I am just wondering if deep in my heart I am really feeling these things towards God's Spirit and it is coming out this way. I do not want to lose God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit. I ate the meatloaf and now I feel condemned. What are your thoughts on this?

 

[CrossPilgrim]

Dear Flower,

I know the feeling. In fact, these kind of thoughts seem to be the ones that haunt me the most. I'm always questioning my heart-condition because of them.

As for what happened to you, I don't think the beef caused the spike; it's probably just a coincidence. However, fear led to guilt, and guilt to a dirty conscience, the perfect breeding ground for OCD spikes. As a personal example, I don't know why, but somehow I became convinced (for a week or so) that eating tortilla chips was sinful since they are unhealthy and we are supposed to take care of our body (as it is the temple of the Holy Spirit). So literally, every time I ate more than one serving of chips, I'd get flustered, feel guilty and all sorts of thoughts would race through my head leaving me crushed and depressed.

The thing is, I know I hated (and still continue to hate) the thoughts, as they usually leave me in the dumps much like yourself. In fact, you can take that as a pretty good sign that its not your heart's true desire. But with OCD, it's kinda hard to brush a thought like that off.

All of this to say the simple solution is to ask God. He sees the heart and knows our true desires. I asked, and He revealed (in many, many ways) that I do love Him, and most importantly, He loves me. I'm sure He'll do and say the same to you.

Hang in there, sister. OCD is a mean foe, but we've got Jesus. Trust in Him, even when it seems you can't.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, (Romans 8:1)

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:8)

 

[Hermit7]

I understand what you're going through flower.

Just today, I tried to buy some stuff at grocery store. I was waiting behind this one guy.

My OCD was making me anxious and before I knew it a thought came into my head saying that I would give up my salvation for this moment to end (or something like that).

Ever since then, I've been trying to convince myself that the moment wasn't real. That using the groceries that I bought is alright and that I won't lose my salvation for using them (since that would signify that I meant what I thought).

I still worry about it. I hoping the worry will go away. But I keep having this nagging feeling that I bargained away my salvation.

-Hermit

 

[Hermit7]

By the way, I did end up using the groceries. Now how do I stop worrying? It's not real. It's not real.

_hermit

 

[kaykay9.0]

disregard this, hermit. This was simply an intrusive thought which signified nothing. Refuse to ruminate about it!