Me Rambling

[MustafaAli]

Hi all,
I'm new here and yet I feel compelled to share some personal thoughts about myself here after realizing that I cannot burden any of my friends more so than I have.

I'm not new to depression and have had bouts of it for many years, but I find myself back into a low in spite of some medication( Lamictal) that I've been taking to get back on track. My sadness has come to a point in which right now I'm contemplating just breaking down and crying to myself. It's been so long since I've felt this way, this deep sadness affecting my mental faculties and desire for existence.

I'm sitting here slouched in my chair tapping away at my keyboard on top of my Maths homework unable to focus and figure out what on earth a hyperbola is and how to derive an equation. I don't care to figure it because I know I can't and I know I'm just hopeless. I don't want to do anything but sleep and just sleep but I can't. I can't clear my mind enough to sleep nor can I willfully cry to myself. It's been so long since I've cried. All I do is internalize and as such I will internalize more.

I can't help but wish I could have the energy to be happy and giddy. I wish I could just step out of this and become a real part of the world. What has happened to me? Why have I fallen into this?

It started because of a girl and for some reasons, I can't understand why it threw me out of balance. From extreme happiness to nothing I guess I am still in a shock about it. Unbalanced from that first unrequited love that was in retrospect nothing more than a passing obsession. Again with another one under false pretenses of attraction on my part and I took advantage and then realized that in being false, I was hurting her and myself. I was defiling another human being just to give her a semblance of my returning that affection. These are things I hate to admit and have guilted me.

My family hasn't been supportive to what I'd like. My father has been a pillar of stability in a household that is broken. My mother is insane and lives on a separate floor making our lives miserable. She exudes hatred and vicious words. She makes me hate myself and throughout my childhood told me that I was garbage, the worst of the worst, rock-bottom. She destroyed my self-esteem and even once told me to kill myself and in that she'd help. This woman who claims to be a devout Catholic has made me hate myself. Only did I finally have it manifest into what I have today.

I found God as a way to help me out of this rut and lately it's been hard to focus on Him. I've been too saddened by my own petty problems and insecurities. I haven't been myself and even that, I don't remember. Who am I? I can't say because I'm always changing who I am depending on who I'm around. My friends don't know me any better than I know myself. I've turned to alcohol to drown my problems and tobacco. I've taken to excesses and even at such a young age, I can't help but wonder where I'll be in college and after that.

I need to find strength to go to Church and to find Him. I need to get out of this but right now I just want to cry to myself. I just want to cuddle up, cry, and not wake up the next morning because I know that I'll face the harsh reality that I'm a failure to myself, to my family, and to the world at large. School is nothing more than a recognition of my poor intelligence and failure in spite of my hard work which has since disappeared because of this.

I don't know what I wish or hope to accomplish but I needed to get this out to you all. Sorry for the length.

 

[Everlasting33]

Hi all,
I'm new here and yet I feel compelled to share some personal thoughts about myself here after realizing that I cannot burden any of my friends more so than I have.

I'm not new to depression and have had bouts of it for many years, but I find myself back into a low in spite of some medication( Lamictal) that I've been taking to get back on track. My sadness has come to a point in which right now I'm contemplating just breaking down and crying to myself. It's been so long since I've felt this way, this deep sadness affecting my mental faculties and desire for existence.

I'm sitting here slouched in my chair tapping away at my keyboard on top of my Maths homework unable to focus and figure out what on earth a hyperbola is and how to derive an equation. I don't care to figure it because I know I can't and I know I'm just hopeless. I don't want to do anything but sleep and just sleep but I can't. I can't clear my mind enough to sleep nor can I willfully cry to myself. It's been so long since I've cried. All I do is internalize and as such I will internalize more.

I can't help but wish I could have the energy to be happy and giddy. I wish I could just step out of this and become a real part of the world. What has happened to me? Why have I fallen into this?

It started because of a girl and for some reasons, I can't understand why it threw me out of balance. From extreme happiness to nothing I guess I am still in a shock about it. Unbalanced from that first unrequited love that was in retrospect nothing more than a passing obsession. Again with another one under false pretenses of attraction on my part and I took advantage and then realized that in being false, I was hurting her and myself. I was defiling another human being just to give her a semblance of my returning that affection. These are things I hate to admit and have guilted me.

My family hasn't been supportive to what I'd like. My father has been a pillar of stability in a household that is broken. My mother is insane and lives on a separate floor making our lives miserable. She exudes hatred and vicious words. She makes me hate myself and throughout my childhood told me that I was garbage, the worst of the worst, rock-bottom. She destroyed my self-esteem and even once told me to kill myself and in that she'd help. This woman who claims to be a devout Catholic has made me hate myself. Only did I finally have it manifest into what I have today.

I found God as a way to help me out of this rut and lately it's been hard to focus on Him. I've been too saddened by my own petty problems and insecurities. I haven't been myself and even that, I don't remember. Who am I? I can't say because I'm always changing who I am depending on who I'm around. My friends don't know me any better than I know myself. I've turned to alcohol to drown my problems and tobacco. I've taken to excesses and even at such a young age, I can't help but wonder where I'll be in college and after that.

I need to find strength to go to Church and to find Him. I need to get out of this but right now I just want to cry to myself. I just want to cuddle up, cry, and not wake up the next morning because I know that I'll face the harsh reality that I'm a failure to myself, to my family, and to the world at large. School is nothing more than a recognition of my poor intelligence and failure in spite of my hard work which has since disappeared because of this.

I don't know what I wish or hope to accomplish but I needed to get this out to you all. Sorry for the length.

You know, allowing yourself to open up to others is a very constructive and healthy way of approaching your given situation. And do not feel like you are a burden to CF...we are willing to listen and bring you encouragement and support.

As described above, I realize that you must be going through an array of emotions: sorrow, anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, hopelessness, powerlessness, and worthlessness. I am sincerely sorry that you have been experiencing much pain not only recently, but throughout your life.

Depression is such an overwhelmingly painful and frustrating illness simply because the feelings feel so real and one may feel so hopeless, helpless and worthless. I have battled depression for many years and I have experienced much distress, heartache, and discouragement. You are not alone in your struggle...there are others who understand your pain and some of your circumstances. Do not be afraid to share with us your doubts, fears, and sorrows (which are all prevalent in depression).

I just wanted to let you know that I empathize with you and that I sincerely care. I know how it feels to be depressed and experience such great hopelessness.
My hope for you is that you are encouraged by the support on CF but that you can find the peace in knowing that you have much potential for hope, goodness, kindness, joy, success, and most of all: self-love.

Peace be with you my friend


"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

[Mask]

Hi MustafaAli,

Sorry to hear of your torment and sadness. I too have bouts of depression and only want to sleep and never wake. It's a horrible place to be. I can't imagine what you must live/have lived with, dealing with your mother's illness. My heart goes out to that hurting little boy. I ask Jesus to go to that little boy and love and comfort him ! You are not worthless garbage!!! You are so valuable to God that He gave His only Son just to bring you to Himself!! You are God's special treasure! You shouldn't try to keep all that sadness inside. If you feel the need to cry...then cry! It's God way for us to release the poison of pain out of our bodies (my opinion). Maybe you should see your doctor about the possiblilty of needing your meds. changed. Lots of people try one drug and it may not be the right fit for them so they try something else. You should talk to a councellor or someone in the inner healing ministry. You went through a lot as a child and it would benefit you to get some of that stuff out and dealt with. You know, there is no such thing as an unexpressed emotion! If you don't express it, it will just come out somewhere else...ex. depression, sickness, anger. Try to get some rest and do something that is fun. Laughter is like a medicine, the Bible says . I know it's hard to laugh and have fun right now but maybe you could watch a good comedy show to lift your spirits some. Talk to God, He is always listening. Sending you hugs and prayers.

 

[junezephyr]

Mustafa,

Thank you for pouring out your heart out to us! As hard as things are for you, I'd like you to know that you are NOT alone in this; there are so many others who feel the way you do. But, God is always there to help, and Jesus has enabled us to have freedom despite our circumstances. Depression is horrid, but there is always hope for the future. I highly suggest reading Psalms and the New Testament, if you can focus. There are so many encouraging verses. I'd put them here for you right now but unfortunately I'm about to leave my house so my time won't allow me at the moment.

God is with you, and we're all here to help support you through your struggles. You can always PM me if you need anyone to talk to about this; I've experienced all of these dreadful emotions myself, and so have many other wonderful people here.

"God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in the time of trouble." - Psalm 46:1