I don't want to ever repeat my parents' mistakes.
My parents had constantly fought during my childhood well into adolescence, and that left me an empty, hollow shell before. I blamed it mostly on dad because he had lots of issues. I understand now where he's coming from because my dad's the kind of person who never had good support and stable life with his parents. He has changed considerably, thanks to God, but he's still at times the same violent, obnoxious, childish, proud person.
Our family history has a lot of scars and hidden stories here and there. If I compile them, they will equate the size of a mountain, perhaps.
I always wished that I had a gentle dad, and not the kind of dad who had emotional and personality issues. The kind of dad that you could trust and depend on, and doesn't have horrible mood swings. The kind of dad who could take a joke, love his spouse and kids not just by his feelings during the day, doesn't stress out his kids by nagging at them constantly, and doesn't throw objects and tantrum, and beat his wife and kids due to rage. The kind of dad who knows how to enjoy his time with his family and life. The kind of dad who could understand everyone in his family deeply.The kind of dad who doesn't nag and nag when I go out shopping yet it's okay for him to spend money for his stuff. The kind of dad who isn't a big hypocrite. The kind of dad who knows how to respect other people's boundaries -especially his family's-, and the kind of dad whom I could solidly respect. I still wish at times that I had a good dad, and not this dad. Still, having a dad is better than no dad, or so I think.
I could say the same for mom at times, but the person who turned her that way is my dad.
I have been abandoned by my mother twice before, harassed by my dad, emotionally and physically abused, kicked out of the house once by dad for no particular reason (he made me cry during dinner by yelling at how no good I am)... Story's just too long, and you get the picture.
Truthfully told, I don't like either of my parents. I try to, and I do love them, but there's this corner in my heart where I just feel really bitter toward them. They don't acknowledge that these things have happened in the past and only care for themselves. I think it's to retain their sanity, to keep this family 'together,' and not look back anymore. Looking back, I realized that when my trauma wasn't recognized and life went on for them as if it was all okay and normal, I went down into further depression.
I don't cry about my past anymore whenever the bad times pop into my head. Tears are gone, although I do sometimes get so lost in my past that it makes it hard to focus on what I have to do now. I got over my depression, and I think my trauma's impact is starting to go away, thanks to God.
Which makes me think... Girls at my age are already thinking about marriage and finding the right man. The thought does cross my mind sometimes but I don't see it as my top priority. Most girls seem to. They know what to do to get guys. I envy them, though I shouldn't, because they all seemed to have had good dads.
Right now, the most important things for me to do is get my life back on track. I have nothing, so I have to start all over from scratch. Life doesn't always go the way I wish it could, but I am a lot better than what I was before. I just hope that I could graduate and get a job right away so that I can be independent.
But if you look at my motives a bit more, I do want to get married. But what I think seems so wrong to what marriage really is. I dream of a good life with my husband. I dream to serve him, and vice versa for him with God. A husband who could understand me as much as I understand him. To be one and unified in God. But reality isn't always that way. I've already seen one side of this reality, and sometimes, marriage could be a lot worse in this life.
I'm afraid that perhaps I could meet an abusive man and raise my children badly as my parents did. I don't want to! I honestly don't want to always be tied down to money issues, violence, blames, misunderstandings, stupidity, selfishness, etc.
So seeing this, it looks like staying single's a good choice. I don't mind it right now, and I don't think I'll mind it too much in the future. Maybe the looks that I get from some people will bother me for not being married, but I don't care if it means that I could stay out of troublesome relationship.
I don't think that it's healthy to stay this bitter about marriage due to my past. I feel selfish for thinking this way. Ironically, thinking about good marriage makes me feel selfish too because it's what I want out of marriage and not really from God or the husband at times.
I'm just scared about marrying the wrong person and ending up like my parents. I really don't want that out of my life. I don't ever want to meet someone who's like my dad. I want to meet someone who's more like Jesus - gentle, patient, and understanding, if I ever do get married.
How can I marry right? How can I marry a man who is a man and not a child/stupid boy? And if I decide to remain single, how should I carry on as the daughter of Christ?
And now, how can I carry on to become a better person that God has called me to be?
It was hard to overcome my hatred for dad- and sometimes mom- but I have got over it mostly thanks to God. At times, I do get a LOT stressed and vengeful when dad gets violently angry over nothing, but I try to understand him the best I could.
Thanks for reading this. Before you know it, it turns into an essay...
My parents had constantly fought during my childhood well into adolescence, and that left me an empty, hollow shell before. I blamed it mostly on dad because he had lots of issues. I understand now where he's coming from because my dad's the kind of person who never had good support and stable life with his parents. He has changed considerably, thanks to God, but he's still at times the same violent, obnoxious, childish, proud person.
Our family history has a lot of scars and hidden stories here and there. If I compile them, they will equate the size of a mountain, perhaps.
I always wished that I had a gentle dad, and not the kind of dad who had emotional and personality issues. The kind of dad that you could trust and depend on, and doesn't have horrible mood swings. The kind of dad who could take a joke, love his spouse and kids not just by his feelings during the day, doesn't stress out his kids by nagging at them constantly, and doesn't throw objects and tantrum, and beat his wife and kids due to rage. The kind of dad who knows how to enjoy his time with his family and life. The kind of dad who could understand everyone in his family deeply.The kind of dad who doesn't nag and nag when I go out shopping yet it's okay for him to spend money for his stuff. The kind of dad who isn't a big hypocrite. The kind of dad who knows how to respect other people's boundaries -especially his family's-, and the kind of dad whom I could solidly respect. I still wish at times that I had a good dad, and not this dad. Still, having a dad is better than no dad, or so I think.
I could say the same for mom at times, but the person who turned her that way is my dad.
I have been abandoned by my mother twice before, harassed by my dad, emotionally and physically abused, kicked out of the house once by dad for no particular reason (he made me cry during dinner by yelling at how no good I am)... Story's just too long, and you get the picture.
Truthfully told, I don't like either of my parents. I try to, and I do love them, but there's this corner in my heart where I just feel really bitter toward them. They don't acknowledge that these things have happened in the past and only care for themselves. I think it's to retain their sanity, to keep this family 'together,' and not look back anymore. Looking back, I realized that when my trauma wasn't recognized and life went on for them as if it was all okay and normal, I went down into further depression.
I don't cry about my past anymore whenever the bad times pop into my head. Tears are gone, although I do sometimes get so lost in my past that it makes it hard to focus on what I have to do now. I got over my depression, and I think my trauma's impact is starting to go away, thanks to God.
Which makes me think... Girls at my age are already thinking about marriage and finding the right man. The thought does cross my mind sometimes but I don't see it as my top priority. Most girls seem to. They know what to do to get guys. I envy them, though I shouldn't, because they all seemed to have had good dads.
Right now, the most important things for me to do is get my life back on track. I have nothing, so I have to start all over from scratch. Life doesn't always go the way I wish it could, but I am a lot better than what I was before. I just hope that I could graduate and get a job right away so that I can be independent.
But if you look at my motives a bit more, I do want to get married. But what I think seems so wrong to what marriage really is. I dream of a good life with my husband. I dream to serve him, and vice versa for him with God. A husband who could understand me as much as I understand him. To be one and unified in God. But reality isn't always that way. I've already seen one side of this reality, and sometimes, marriage could be a lot worse in this life.
I'm afraid that perhaps I could meet an abusive man and raise my children badly as my parents did. I don't want to! I honestly don't want to always be tied down to money issues, violence, blames, misunderstandings, stupidity, selfishness, etc.
So seeing this, it looks like staying single's a good choice. I don't mind it right now, and I don't think I'll mind it too much in the future. Maybe the looks that I get from some people will bother me for not being married, but I don't care if it means that I could stay out of troublesome relationship.
I don't think that it's healthy to stay this bitter about marriage due to my past. I feel selfish for thinking this way. Ironically, thinking about good marriage makes me feel selfish too because it's what I want out of marriage and not really from God or the husband at times.
I'm just scared about marrying the wrong person and ending up like my parents. I really don't want that out of my life. I don't ever want to meet someone who's like my dad. I want to meet someone who's more like Jesus - gentle, patient, and understanding, if I ever do get married.
How can I marry right? How can I marry a man who is a man and not a child/stupid boy? And if I decide to remain single, how should I carry on as the daughter of Christ?
And now, how can I carry on to become a better person that God has called me to be?
It was hard to overcome my hatred for dad- and sometimes mom- but I have got over it mostly thanks to God. At times, I do get a LOT stressed and vengeful when dad gets violently angry over nothing, but I try to understand him the best I could.
Thanks for reading this. Before you know it, it turns into an essay...