Marrying right or staying single

[Jupiter Drops]

I don't want to ever repeat my parents' mistakes.


My parents had constantly fought during my childhood well into adolescence, and that left me an empty, hollow shell before. I blamed it mostly on dad because he had lots of issues. I understand now where he's coming from because my dad's the kind of person who never had good support and stable life with his parents. He has changed considerably, thanks to God, but he's still at times the same violent, obnoxious, childish, proud person.

Our family history has a lot of scars and hidden stories here and there. If I compile them, they will equate the size of a mountain, perhaps.

I always wished that I had a gentle dad, and not the kind of dad who had emotional and personality issues. The kind of dad that you could trust and depend on, and doesn't have horrible mood swings. The kind of dad who could take a joke, love his spouse and kids not just by his feelings during the day, doesn't stress out his kids by nagging at them constantly, and doesn't throw objects and tantrum, and beat his wife and kids due to rage. The kind of dad who knows how to enjoy his time with his family and life. The kind of dad who could understand everyone in his family deeply.The kind of dad who doesn't nag and nag when I go out shopping yet it's okay for him to spend money for his stuff. The kind of dad who isn't a big hypocrite. The kind of dad who knows how to respect other people's boundaries -especially his family's-, and the kind of dad whom I could solidly respect. I still wish at times that I had a good dad, and not this dad. Still, having a dad is better than no dad, or so I think.

I could say the same for mom at times, but the person who turned her that way is my dad.

I have been abandoned by my mother twice before, harassed by my dad, emotionally and physically abused, kicked out of the house once by dad for no particular reason (he made me cry during dinner by yelling at how no good I am)... Story's just too long, and you get the picture.


Truthfully told, I don't like either of my parents. I try to, and I do love them, but there's this corner in my heart where I just feel really bitter toward them. They don't acknowledge that these things have happened in the past and only care for themselves. I think it's to retain their sanity, to keep this family 'together,' and not look back anymore. Looking back, I realized that when my trauma wasn't recognized and life went on for them as if it was all okay and normal, I went down into further depression.

I don't cry about my past anymore whenever the bad times pop into my head. Tears are gone, although I do sometimes get so lost in my past that it makes it hard to focus on what I have to do now. I got over my depression, and I think my trauma's impact is starting to go away, thanks to God.


Which makes me think... Girls at my age are already thinking about marriage and finding the right man. The thought does cross my mind sometimes but I don't see it as my top priority. Most girls seem to. They know what to do to get guys. I envy them, though I shouldn't, because they all seemed to have had good dads.


Right now, the most important things for me to do is get my life back on track. I have nothing, so I have to start all over from scratch. Life doesn't always go the way I wish it could, but I am a lot better than what I was before. I just hope that I could graduate and get a job right away so that I can be independent.

But if you look at my motives a bit more, I do want to get married. But what I think seems so wrong to what marriage really is. I dream of a good life with my husband. I dream to serve him, and vice versa for him with God. A husband who could understand me as much as I understand him. To be one and unified in God. But reality isn't always that way. I've already seen one side of this reality, and sometimes, marriage could be a lot worse in this life.

I'm afraid that perhaps I could meet an abusive man and raise my children badly as my parents did. I don't want to! I honestly don't want to always be tied down to money issues, violence, blames, misunderstandings, stupidity, selfishness, etc.

So seeing this, it looks like staying single's a good choice. I don't mind it right now, and I don't think I'll mind it too much in the future. Maybe the looks that I get from some people will bother me for not being married, but I don't care if it means that I could stay out of troublesome relationship.


I don't think that it's healthy to stay this bitter about marriage due to my past. I feel selfish for thinking this way. Ironically, thinking about good marriage makes me feel selfish too because it's what I want out of marriage and not really from God or the husband at times.

I'm just scared about marrying the wrong person and ending up like my parents. I really don't want that out of my life. I don't ever want to meet someone who's like my dad. I want to meet someone who's more like Jesus - gentle, patient, and understanding, if I ever do get married.


How can I marry right? How can I marry a man who is a man and not a child/stupid boy? And if I decide to remain single, how should I carry on as the daughter of Christ?

And now, how can I carry on to become a better person that God has called me to be?

It was hard to overcome my hatred for dad- and sometimes mom- but I have got over it mostly thanks to God. At times, I do get a LOT stressed and vengeful when dad gets violently angry over nothing, but I try to understand him the best I could.

Thanks for reading this. Before you know it, it turns into an essay...

 

[dysert]

I don't want to ever repeat my parents' mistakes.


My parents had constantly fought during my childhood well into adolescence, and that left me an empty, hollow shell before. I blamed it mostly on dad because he had lots of issues. I understand now where he's coming from because my dad's the kind of person who never had good support and stable life with his parents. He has changed considerably, thanks to God, but he's still at times the same violent, obnoxious, childish, proud person.

Our family history has a lot of scars and hidden stories here and there. If I compile them, they will equate the size of a mountain, perhaps.

I always wished that I had a gentle dad, and not the kind of dad who had emotional and personality issues. The kind of dad that you could trust and depend on, and doesn't have horrible mood swings. The kind of dad who could take a joke, love his spouse and kids not just by his feelings during the day, doesn't stress out his kids by nagging at them constantly, and doesn't throw objects and tantrum, and beat his wife and kids due to rage. The kind of dad who knows how to enjoy his time with his family and life. The kind of dad who could understand everyone in his family deeply.The kind of dad who doesn't nag and nag when I go out shopping yet it's okay for him to spend money for his stuff. The kind of dad who isn't a big hypocrite. The kind of dad who knows how to respect other people's boundaries -especially his family's-, and the kind of dad whom I could solidly respect. I still wish at times that I had a good dad, and not this dad. Still, having a dad is better than no dad, or so I think.

I could say the same for mom at times, but the person who turned her that way is my dad.

I have been abandoned by my mother twice before, harassed by my dad, emotionally and physically abused, kicked out of the house once by dad for no particular reason (he made me cry during dinner by yelling at how no good I am)... Story's just too long, and you get the picture.


Truthfully told, I don't like either of my parents. I try to, and I do love them, but there's this corner in my heart where I just feel really bitter toward them. They don't acknowledge that these things have happened in the past and only care for themselves. I think it's to retain their sanity, to keep this family 'together,' and not look back anymore. Looking back, I realized that when my trauma wasn't recognized and life went on for them as if it was all okay and normal, I went down into further depression.

I don't cry about my past anymore whenever the bad times pop into my head. Tears are gone, although I do sometimes get so lost in my past that it makes it hard to focus on what I have to do now. I got over my depression, and I think my trauma's impact is starting to go away, thanks to God.


Which makes me think... Girls at my age are already thinking about marriage and finding the right man. The thought does cross my mind sometimes but I don't see it as my top priority. Most girls seem to. They know what to do to get guys. I envy them, though I shouldn't, because they all seemed to have had good dads.


Right now, the most important things for me to do is get my life back on track. I have nothing, so I have to start all over from scratch. Life doesn't always go the way I wish it could, but I am a lot better than what I was before. I just hope that I could graduate and get a job right away so that I can be independent.

But if you look at my motives a bit more, I do want to get married. But what I think seems so wrong to what marriage really is. I dream of a good life with my husband. I dream to serve him, and vice versa for him with God. A husband who could understand me as much as I understand him. To be one and unified in God. But reality isn't always that way. I've already seen one side of this reality, and sometimes, marriage could be a lot worse in this life.

I'm afraid that perhaps I could meet an abusive man and raise my children badly as my parents did. I don't want to! I honestly don't want to always be tied down to money issues, violence, blames, misunderstandings, stupidity, selfishness, etc.

So seeing this, it looks like staying single's a good choice. I don't mind it right now, and I don't think I'll mind it too much in the future. Maybe the looks that I get from some people will bother me for not being married, but I don't care if it means that I could stay out of troublesome relationship.


I don't think that it's healthy to stay this bitter about marriage due to my past. I feel selfish for thinking this way. Ironically, thinking about good marriage makes me feel selfish too because it's what I want out of marriage and not really from God or the husband at times.

I'm just scared about marrying the wrong person and ending up like my parents. I really don't want that out of my life. I don't ever want to meet someone who's like my dad. I want to meet someone who's more like Jesus - gentle, patient, and understanding, if I ever do get married.


How can I marry right? How can I marry a man who is a man and not a child/stupid boy? And if I decide to remain single, how should I carry on as the daughter of Christ?

And now, how can I carry on to become a better person that God has called me to be?

It was hard to overcome my hatred for dad- and sometimes mom- but I have got over it mostly thanks to God. At times, I do get a LOT stressed and vengeful when dad gets violently angry over nothing, but I try to understand him the best I could.

Thanks for reading this. Before you know it, it turns into an essay...

I'm so sorry to hear about how things were growing up. Statistically, that would indicate that you might be unknowingly inclined to getting involved with an abuser yourself. So you must be extra cautious when dating. It's good that you're ok with staying single for a while. I think being extra cautious will mean taking your good old time in getting serious with someone so that you can be sure things don't go sour. For perspective, my wife and I dated for nearly 6 years before getting engaged, and we were engaged for a year before getting married. And we weren't even being "extra" cautious.

I can't really relate to abusiveness, but I understand it can greatly affect someone's whole life. If you see any signs of your dad/mom coming out in someone you're interested in, I would suggest running for the hills until someone better comes along. I think it would be better to remain single than to take the chance on someone who shows any indication that they may have a dark side. Be sure you get to know their parents before getting in too deep. If the parents seem nice, and if they have a good relationship with their son, that may be a positive sign. Good luck.

 

[1watchman]

I am saddened to hear of your life trouble, Drops. Dysert has given some sound counsel. Marriage could be a disaster for you until you get control in your mind of your history and its damage.

Try not to hate your parents, for they are the product of a bad experience too. We need to know that such a thing affects generations thereafter, like some awful disease. Look ahead for your future in some kind of human service. Try to get some training and trust God for your life.

Be sure you have the Lord Jesus in your heart by trust (see 1 Jn. 5:10-12). He is the best of Friends, and not only Savior of souls, but God in you (see John 14 --a precious truth to know). Receive Him if you have not already, and trust Him daily with every thought (2 Cor. 10:5).

 

[Jupiter Drops]

Thanks for your responses. I think I will stay single until I can really stand strong.


I will try to reconcile with my past more. It won't be my life focus, but my God is a God of principle. He gives struggles and challenges as blessings in disguise sometimes.

It's still hard to try and not stress about my dad. He sometimes just comes into my room and leave, leaving me a bit stressed. He comes in to have a bit of short chat, but it's awkward because he's dad and dads can be awkward at times. I get stressed because during my teen years, I told him to always knock on my door for some privacy but the man just doesn't understand what privacy means. He started to yell about how I don't need privacy as if I'm a criminal who needs to be regularly checked. He yelled about how this was his house. Sometimes, when I didn't do something that he didn't like, he told me to take off my clothes and give it to him because they didn't belong to me but him. That is true in sense, but I'm the one who's wearing the clothes. Does that mean I am to be treated as an object? He didn't let me work during those days, and I really wanted to so that I could a) leave the house full of fights, b) make money (of course) to save up for college and buy some clothes, and c) to gain some independence from parents who want to 'own' me. I always hated wearing shabby looking clothes. We weren't poor, but I think I said this before. Every time I buy something, he nags about how I waste money on something stupid. It made me really upset, so nowadays, I stress out when dad still comes into my room unnoticed. He did change a little because he does knock, but still come in without much approval.

Tbh, I don't want him to come in. I don't want to talk with him when I'm in my room. I like my personal space to think and do my work. I know that talking to him again won't work because he's not the type to listen. At least he's trying, sort of.

I'm losing a lot of patience. All the patience that I used to have are wearing off. Now I'm just stressed.

These all seem like little things, but it's always those 'little things' that get to you. Growing up, I had to constantly listen to parents who yelled and threw objects in the living room while I had to study for school. In school, I was a loner and bullied. Eventually I just couldn't focus for life. I still can't focus.

I still live dependently with them, but after this year and some time in the spring next year, I'm going to start living independently and far away from them if I go to the college that I want. I'm a lot scared since I'm very frail. Frail as in I have no talents and skills to support myself. No confidence in living alone, focus, have motivations, persistence like I used to.... Scared of living alone without anyone I know around me.

I'll just keep on praying... I'm also scared to stand in front of God. I'm falling out. I don't pray much these days. I think about Him a lot and talk to Him in my mind, but I don't pray traditionally because I can't focus. I sin a lot too, so it gets harder to stay with God. I call myself a Christian but I can't proudly proclaim that I am a follower because of my sins and how I mistreat God. I think about getting away from God at times, and I do slip off easily. It makes me think about the true Christians from the past and how they were close to God.

How can I become closer to Him and be clean? Haven't I already accepted Jesus? I have experienced some kind of healing and revival about a year ago, and I was able to get out to depression because of God. But I always trip up. I feel like a fake for going to church and acting like a 'good Christian' and telling kids about God, but in the end, I'm not truthful and honest with God. I feel so ashamed and stressed.


I don't want to stand in front of Him one day and be truly ashamed of my life. I don't live accordingly to His will, and I don't know what His will is for me. Sometimes I wish that I could just do whatever I want, but I'm still hanging on to God because I want to. I can't turn away from Him, but I do. I just know what I want to do, but not what He wants me to do.

I know that there's just more to life than just what I have right now and what I see. But this is where I'm stuck, and I'm not growing spiritually and mentally. Still, I struggle in one spot. Not good...

I'm scared. I've told myself this a dozen times years ago, and I'm still scared.