Married without children

[Lily Rose]

Hello. I am a very happily married woman in mid 30s. We've been married for almost 5 years and have no plans on having children at this time. My husband especially do not want or like children and want to focus on each other, travel alot, help others, and plan for early retirement with investments which I am okay with.

We have been looking for a home church for quite some time now but I am realizing more and more that without children, it is very hard to fit in, especially in a church setting. We are constantly asked about plans for children and when we say that we have no plans, most people look at us like we are weird and I feel uncomfortable...should I feel guilty that we have no plans? I didn't think that it says in the bible that we must procreate. It's it a choice?

Also, I am looking for a small group where I can find genuine friendships and most meetings are geared towards either single or married (which includes children). If I go to women's meetings, all they talk about is their children and I feel left out. It is very hard to feel like I belong somewhere.

Is anyone in my situation or can give guidance on how I can overcome this? Also, my fear is that I may regret later in life about choosing to not have kids. But since my husband is so firm about not having them it is difficult to think otherwise...In general, my husband is very loving and he is a great husband to me.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

In my opinion, neither of you should feel guilty, it is a choice you made together. Without searching probably the choice text to support procreation is the command in Genesis for creation to "be fruitful and multiply". Implication and application. An argument or line of argumentation which I personally find compelling would be it is ideal for Christians to have as many children as possible so in theory there are more Christians than non-Christians on earth. It's a strength in numbers kind of argument, and increases the likelihood of the children of Christians finding Christian spouses to marry. Much could be said about this. However, we do not live in an ideal world and there are circumstance and situations to deal with that are not in our control. I am sorry you've had a hard time fitting in and feeling left out as I've experienced a great deal of that throughout my life in and out of the Church.

 

[mama2one]

am realizing more and more that without children, it is very hard to fit in, especially in a church setting. We are constantly asked about plans for children and when we say that we have no plans, most people look at us like we are weird and I feel uncomfortable...should I feel guilty that we have no plans

some people are curious, however, the guilt that people put on others is more about THEM and not you

remember vividly when newly married w/o kids my co-worker asked when we were having kids
at that moment in time because I hadn't become pregnant and didn't think it was her business replied "we're not having any"

big mistake as she lectured me for about 20 min how selfish we were
her level of anger was actually quite funny and when thinking about it later, realized she had a teenager and was probably upset about her teen and wanting others to be in such agony....lol

as to fitting in, you might feel more at home in a church with an older population
we've been to some churches and hardly see any kids or young parents and then they will have women groups focused on volunteer work/helping others

best to you
blessings

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I remember how hard it was to be married and childless when everybody else had kids, and I know how hard it is to be on the outside of the mommy club when they all get together and start chatting. I admit freely I’m guilty of the “Sex and the City” couples with kids stereotype... It’s embarrassingly hard to talk without mentioning the kids. It’s almost like a conversational crutch.

FWIW, while it feels very isolating to not have kids when surrounded by people who do, I can say for an uncertain fact that there are more of us out there who value our kid-free peers than don’t. Some of my favorite girlfriends don’t have kids. I find hanging with them refreshing, a great way to crack out if “mommy mode” which bogs down your brain sometimes. Yes, some people really adore their club... But if it’s any consolation, most of us find those hardcore Mommy Club just as offputting as you do. They have a way of making everybody, kids or no kids, feel like they don’t measure up.

 

[snoochface]

You might be interested in a Facebook group called Child Free Christians. If you can't find it, you can message me for the link. But suffice to say you're not alone.

I haven't had issues with people at church having a problem with my being child free, but that's generally because I don't allow it to bother me. It's my choice and I'm the only one who has to live with it. Most people are more curious than judgmental anyway.

 

[mina]

I don't think there is anything wrong with being married and choosing not to have kids. Unfortunately churches thrive on putting everyone with similar life stages and outlooks in the same groups and expecting you only to socialize/be friends with those people and not anyone else. It can be a bit daunting if you don't fit a mold. I've always had friends (even close friends) that were different from me so I find it a bit weird ( and people can actually be offended if you want to do things with people who are not in your "life stage" or whatever). Now that I'm married and a mom , it's still hard to fit in sometimes (even with the group you are "supposed" to fit in with). the similar life group or stages can have a place at times, but it can also be too much. Find things you love to do or the places you feel called to serve and make friendships in those places rather than just the "married" group or "womens" group; I find that can be a bit more genuine and feel less forced. You don't owe anyone an explanation about why you don't have kids unless you want to tell them about your choices.

 

[turkle]

Hello. I am a very happily married woman in mid 30s. We've been married for almost 5 years and have no plans on having children at this time. My husband especially do not want or like children and want to focus on each other, travel alot, help others, and plan for early retirement with investments which I am okay with.

We have been looking for a home church for quite some time now but I am realizing more and more that without children, it is very hard to fit in, especially in a church setting. We are constantly asked about plans for children and when we say that we have no plans, most people look at us like we are weird and I feel uncomfortable...should I feel guilty that we have no plans? I didn't think that it says in the bible that we must procreate. It's it a choice?

Also, I am looking for a small group where I can find genuine friendships and most meetings are geared towards either single or married (which includes children). If I go to women's meetings, all they talk about is their children and I feel left out. It is very hard to feel like I belong somewhere.

Is anyone in my situation or can give guidance on how I can overcome this? Also, my fear is that I may regret later in life about choosing to not have kids. But since my husband is so firm about not having them it is difficult to think otherwise...In general, my husband is very loving and he is a great husband to me.

Thank you for reading.

It's not reasonable to ask if you should feel guilty about something. Either you do, or you don't. It's important to know that guilty feelings are the result of doing something wrong. Choosing to remain childless is not wrong.

Because you have chosen a route that most other people your age did not, you will have to accept the fact that in this area, you are the one on the outside. To a mother, especially a new one, there is nothing more important in their world than their child, who fascinates and captivates them completely. It's natural for people to talk about what's most important to them, especially with others who are sharing the same experience. So when young women get together, it's inevitable that their discussion will go to their kids.

People are drawn to others with whom they share common interests and experiences. If you are uncomfortable around the mommy group, then it might be best to seek out friendship with people you share an interest with. You might find that more satisfying. But you can still participate in discussions with other women about kids, even though you don't have any. If you like the group, then accepting that it is going to be like that and enjoying it anyway would bring more peace to you. You are not better than, nor less than anyone there. I encourage you to enjoy friendship and conversation despite your differences.

 

[JRichard68]

My opinion is that "My husband especially do not want or like children and want to focus on each other, travel alot, and plan for early retirement" sounds pretty wrapped up in worldly things.

Yes, and upon reading the OP, I'd suggest this attitude is the very thing she and her husband have to deal with. Thanks for the example

 

[snoochface]

There is nothing "wrapped up in worldly things" about not wanting children. Many people have children to "carry on the family name" or so they have someone "who looks like me" or has "my husband's beautiful eyes and my sense of style" or because "I want to be a parent" or any number of other reasons that revolve around me, and I, and I want. No one calls those people worldly. Some people prefer not to have kids, and the reasons she and her husband have are perfectly legitimate.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Hello. I am a very happily married woman in mid 30s. We've been married for almost 5 years and have no plans on having children at this time. My husband especially do not want or like children and want to focus on each other, travel alot, help others, and plan for early retirement with investments which I am okay with.

We have been looking for a home church for quite some time now but I am realizing more and more that without children, it is very hard to fit in, especially in a church setting. We are constantly asked about plans for children and when we say that we have no plans, most people look at us like we are weird and I feel uncomfortable...should I feel guilty that we have no plans? I didn't think that it says in the bible that we must procreate. It's it a choice?

Also, I am looking for a small group where I can find genuine friendships and most meetings are geared towards either single or married (which includes children). If I go to women's meetings, all they talk about is their children and I feel left out. It is very hard to feel like I belong somewhere.

Is anyone in my situation or can give guidance on how I can overcome this? Also, my fear is that I may regret later in life about choosing to not have kids. But since my husband is so firm about not having them it is difficult to think otherwise...In general, my husband is very loving and he is a great husband to me.

Thank you for reading.

We live in an era that worships autonomy and bows before what it considers freedom, but the fact is we follow higher authorities in life, including God, natural law and a respect for society. ALL of these testify that it is wrong to not have any children in marriage. Biblically speaking, the command is to be fruitful and multiple. This is as much an ethical command as anything else. The Bible also unanimously treats children as a blessing. Children are called arrows in the hands of a warrior. The righteous men and women of old all prayed for children. Being barren is viewed consistently by the patriarchs like a curse. The Bible teaches us over and over how to raise up children, and even that one single believing spouse can sanctify a child. We are given examples of a mother bring the one to lead a child to Christ. What more of an honor is there in the world than the chance to raise up a child to know God's Word and hear about the Lord?

Moreover, from a natural standpoint, it is right. When man and woman unite, this is what happens according to the laws of nature which God created. The unitize act between man and wife produces a child. In order to avoid children, almost all who avoid them use contraception, which itself is both unnatural and harmful on multiple levels. Fertility is part of a woman's health. Wipe it out and she has a debility. One has to medicate healthy people to wipe out fertility and this is not something we should do. According to natural law, we medicate SICK people, not healthy ones. Please read Humanae Vitae by Catholic Pope Paul VI. This has been the consistent teaching of Christian people from the earliest documented era until the 20th century. Historically, Christians always regarded contraception as WRONG.

From a societal standpoint you should be having children. If we did not have children, the human race would die in one single generation. Moreover, society needs workers, and when it does not have that, we end up like the West today, with a dying society that has to import people (often hostile people) just to survive. This is a dying society because of attitudes like you seem to have. I'm not saying you're the only one, or are entirely to blame, but it certainly is dying and being replaced by others because of attitudes such as you mention. We should WANT to have children for multiple reasons, including the fact that we can raise up righteous men who will make a contribution and help better those around them. That is our effort as parents -- to raise of both believers, and virtuous people, which this world needs in abundance.

I have not gone into great detail, but please consider those three main reasons -- Scripture, natural law and society. I believe they clearly testify in unison that we should have children, although natural there may be an exception for one who is celibate for the sake of ministry, or other ethically necessary reasons for celibacy. Simply not feeling like having children is not an ethical reason not to have them. I am sorry. May God lead you in learning about the family.

 

[snoochface]

Wow. Man, Jesus really dropped the ball then didn't he? He never once commanded anyone to have children. Neither did Paul, for that matter. They both spent their time raising up Christians instead of children, and then didn't even bother to tell anyone how sick and depraved they'd be without kids?? You'd think those two would have done a better job at preaching Parentianity, considering how vital it is to our salvation!

 

[Hank77]

My husband especially do not want or like children

A child wouldn't want a parent that doesn't want or like kids. I give kudos to your husband for being honest about it and for not having children for the wrong reasons. There are too many children born to parents that just weren't cut out to be parents.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

A child wouldn't want a parent that doesn't want or like kids. I give kudos to your husband for being honest about it and for not having children for the wrong reasons. There are too many children born to parents that just weren't cut out to be parents.

God gives us the heart that we DO want children. If we are living in Him and learning from His Word, we will certainly want children, excepting in unique cases, such as being celibate for ministry. But that is often a temporary thing anyway.

Secular Christians, being the ones dying out by the way and being replaced, are not in a position to be lecturing others about the family and children. They are being replaced.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Wow. Man, Jesus really dropped the ball then didn't he? He never once commanded anyone to have children. Neither did Paul, for that matter. They both spent their time raising up Christians instead of children, and then didn't even bother to tell anyone how sick and depraved they'd be without kids?? You'd think those two would have done a better job at preaching Parentianity, considering how vital it is to our salvation!

God commanded children, and the rest of the Bible affirms having children as the norm and the good except in cases of being celibate from ministry. Respecting natural law commands children as well, and it benefits society. Christians are suicidal to ignore those things.

 

[Hank77]

God gives us the heart that we DO want children. If we are living in Him and learning from His Word, we will certainly want children, excepting in unique cases, such as being celibate for ministry. But that is often a temporary thing anyway.

Secular Christians, being the ones dying out by the way and being replaced, are not in a position to be lecturing others about the family and children. They are being replaced.

What is a secular Christian?

 

[Tom Sawyer]

What is a secular Christian?

One who has taken on secularized views, attitudes, beliefs, etc.

 

[Hank77]

One who has taken on secularized views, attitudes, beliefs, etc.

So in your view that is a secular view and so because someone has A view that you consider a secular view, that makes them a secular Christian.
You're entitled to your view.

 

[Dan61861]

Wow. Man, Jesus really dropped the ball then didn't he? He never once commanded anyone to have children. Neither did Paul, for that matter. They both spent their time raising up Christians instead of children, and then didn't even bother to tell anyone how sick and depraved they'd be without kids?? You'd think those two would have done a better job at preaching Parentianity, considering how vital it is to our salvation!

Yet, both of the were fruitful and multiplied.

In Christ
Daniel

 

[snoochface]

Yet, both of the were fruitful and multiplied.

In Christ
Daniel

Right. "Go forth and multiply" was said twice, when the world was empty and needed to be populated, and it was intended as a blessing. Jesus did not reiterate that mission. Instead, he said, "Go forth and make disciples of all nations." When the earth needed to be populated, the mission was to populate it. When the earth was populated, the mission was to be fruitful by making disciples, and that's the mission that Jesus and Paul undertook. It's also the mission given to us today as saints under the new covenant.

 

[Dan61861]

Right. "Go forth and multiply" was said twice, when the world was empty and needed to be populated, and it was intended as a blessing. Jesus did not reiterate that mission. Instead, he said, "Go forth and make disciples of all nations." When the earth needed to be populated, the mission was to populate it. When the earth was populated, the mission was to be fruitful by making disciples, and that's the mission that Jesus and Paul undertook. It's also the mission given to us today as saints under the new covenant.

Absolutely!

Physically, we are fruitful and multiply, having childred. Spiritually we are fruitful and multiply by making disciples.

In Christ
Daniel