Married couples: Attention!

[hotknikkels]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

 

[hotknikkels]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $59.95"

 

[Didymus]

lol thanks for postin these

 

[OracleX]

LOL those are good! The second one would make a great Ikea commercial, better copy protect it!

 

[lucypevensie]

Those are great

 

[Pizza]

hilarious!

 

[hotknikkels]

mmmmmmm... I will get some more!!!

 

[S Walch]

ROFL

Bout time, you've finally got some good Jokes Kev

 

[hotknikkels]

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder, "instruction manuals"

 

[hotknikkels]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

 

[hotknikkels]

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

 

[Jenna]

heeheehee........ I just love that last one. lol

 

[hotknikkels]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

[OracleX]

LOL keep them coming!

 

[hotknikkels]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

 

[hotknikkels]

Why men can't win:

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

 

[OracleX]

LOL printing those out and putting them on the fridge. Well until my wife comes home and sees them and smacks me up side the head

 

[S Walch]

lol

But - how true are those!!!

*is tempted to post the equation for why women are the route of all evil *

But that would be mean, wouldn't it

 

[hotknikkels]

you would just get a slap

 

[hotknikkels]

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said; "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.