Married but lonely and miserable...

[trekdad99]

I'm in a bad state of mind and at times just want to give up. I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness and the only thing that's keeping my head above water is my children. I've been in a loveless, sexless marriage for MANY years and feel so close to just giving up. Selfish huh? I have brought the issue up MANY times to my wife throughout the years and she just gets mad and shuts me out. She focuses on everything and everyone except me. I try to set up a date night but she always has something else to do. So far this year we have been intimate once and usually it's 2 or 3 times a year. I try to not fuss on her when she leaves out but she neglects her house and doesn't help me with anything. I usually work 48 hours a week plus do all the house work, all of the yard work like mowing, trimming and other things to keep our house maintained. A lot of times she will cook herself and the kids a meal but exclude me so I usually just meal prep my own food days ahead. I have an hour commute which takes up 2 hours of my day and my wife doesn't have a commute as she works from home. She could tidy up her mess just a little. It's just frustrating being put on the back burner for so many years and doing everything by myself.

I feel so guilty for saying this but I often daydream of leaving her and being able to date again. I don't think I would EVER get married again as it is the most miserable experience of my life with the exception being our children. I would like to have the companionship of a woman. Not just sex (that would be nice), but hugging, kissing, holding hands and just relaxing with each other and enjoying life. My wife prefers to go, go, go and be involved in everything she can sign up for except her marriage. I know I'm not a perfect man. I have my flaws. I can be immature at times and even selfish myself. It's just sex is a very important thing to me and it's what separates marriage from just being friends or roommates. Maybe I expect too much? It's also making me not want to attend church. It's hard trying to put a smile on my face and act like the perfect Christian family on Sunday. I even cringe when the pastor talks about marriage being the beautiful design. I feel rotten for it but nothing about it has been enjoyable for me.

 

[Rescued One]

I'm in a bad state of mind and at times just want to give up. I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness and the only thing that's keeping my head above water is my children. I've been in a loveless, sexless marriage for MANY years and feel so close to just giving up. Selfish huh? I have brought the issue up MANY times to my wife throughout the years and she just gets mad and shuts me out. She focuses on everything and everyone except me. I try to set up a date night but she always has something else to do. So far this year we have been intimate once and usually it's 2 or 3 times a year. I try to not fuss on her when she leaves out but she neglects her house and doesn't help me with anything. I usually work 48 hours a week plus do all the house work, all of the yard work like mowing, trimming and other things to keep our house maintained. A lot of times she will cook herself and the kids a meal but exclude me so I usually just meal prep my own food days ahead. I have an hour commute which takes up 2 hours of my day and my wife doesn't have a commute as she works from home. She could tidy up her mess just a little. It's just frustrating being put on the back burner for so many years and doing everything by myself.

I feel so guilty for saying this but I often daydream of leaving her and being able to date again. I don't think I would EVER get married again as it is the most miserable experience of my life with the exception being our children. I would like to have the companionship of a woman. Not just sex (that would be nice), but hugging, kissing, holding hands and just relaxing with each other and enjoying life. My wife prefers to go, go, go and be involved in everything she can sign up for except her marriage. I know I'm not a perfect man. I have my flaws. I can be immature at times and even selfish myself. It's just sex is a very important thing to me and it's what separates marriage from just being friends or roommates. Maybe I expect too much? It's also making me not want to attend church. It's hard trying to put a smile on my face and act like the perfect Christian family on Sunday. I even cringe when the pastor talks about marriage being the beautiful design. I feel rotten for it but nothing about it has been enjoyable for me.

Horrible!!! Does she attend church? Anyone who loves Christ will strive to obey Him and the Holy Spirit will help that person do what is right.

1 Corinthians 7
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

Perhaps there was an incident in her past or in your marriage that makes her withdraw. Professional counseling could help, but doesn't always.

Don't think that you are the only couple in a church that has problems. Is your pastor educated enough to counsel couples? I think you should at least ask him what you can do.

I'm so sorry for your situation.

I'll pray.

 

[section9+1]

Sounds like a rotten marriage. You and wife need to talk it out and settle on some plan of action. It always takes two people to make a marriage. I hate divorce yet sometimes all it does is end a non-marriage. I am not convinced that a piece of paper constitutes a marriage in God's eyes. Seems like a marriage is a living thing and if it is dead, then it's a corpse and corpse's get buried. The biggest mistake is walking into a commitment with your eyes closed in the first place.

 

[Greg Merrill]

Sounds like a rotten marriage. You and wife need to talk it out and settle on some plan of action. It always takes two people to make a marriage. I hate divorce yet sometimes all it does is end a non-marriage. I am not convinced that a piece of paper constitutes a marriage in God's eyes. Seems like a marriage is a living thing and if it is dead, then it's a corpse and corpse's get buried. The biggest mistake is walking into a commitment with your eyes closed in the first place.

A piece of paper doesn't constitute a marriage in God's eyes? It is a binding, legal document. Doesn't God say to obey the laws of the land (Romans 13:1; 1 Peter 2:13). If what you say were true, we wouldn't have to abide by all the other pieces of paper either.

 

[Rescued One]

A piece of paper doesn't constitute a marriage in God's eyes? It is a binding, legal document. Doesn't God say to obey the laws of the land (Romans 13:1; 1 Peter 2:13). If what you say were true, we wouldn't have to abide by all the other pieces of paper either.

If I were married to a narcissist who physically abused me and my children, my piece of paper would say divorce, not marriage. However, I've never been divorced.

 

[Greg Merrill]

Your piece of paper may say "Divorce", but God's book would not. Malachi 2:16. Separation until repentance and desire for reconciliation is the way to go. Not divorce. Someone once said "For better or worse" Not "Until abuse and unhappiness."

 

[Tolworth John]

May I suggest that you ask your wife yet again why she behaves the way she does to you.
But that you also make an appointment for both of you to talk with your minister and his wife.
As you know Something is wrong and you need help, otherwise devorce is what will happen.

 

[Rescued One]

Your piece of paper may say "Divorce", but God's book would not. Malachi 2:16. Separation until repentance and desire for reconciliation is the way to go. Not divorce. Someone once said "For better or worse" Not "Until abuse and unhappiness."

My marriage ceremony said nothing about "for better or for worse," and neither does anyone's certificate. Abusers seldom, if ever, repent. God hates divorce, I hate divorce, but God hates abuse and so do I.

 

[HereIStand]

This doesn't sound good. Men really need intimacy, more so than women. I suspect this is a problem for many men to one extent or another. Even among Christians, there is a tendency to make marriage sound easier than it is.

 

[section9+1]

A piece of paper doesn't constitute a marriage in God's eyes? It is a binding, legal document. Doesn't God say to obey the laws of the land (Romans 13:1; 1 Peter 2:13). If what you say were true, we wouldn't have to abide by all the other pieces of paper either.

I will not morally bind myself to a legal piece of paper. I often do that, but not because I feel a moral right, but am legally constrained to do so. I don't think much about being bound to civil laws even though I know they are being held over me. I am reminded about the demon who got driven out of a man and then wandered around and came back to a clean home with more like him. And the last state of that man was worse than the first. Kind of easy to see how that works.

 

[RaymondG]

Your happiness rely too much on outside influences.. You must try to find happiness within....the only true form of happiness. Stop dwelling on what the body desires, and start thinking of what the spirit needs. We are, all of us in the exact situations we need to be in. We can either choose to be overcomers and watch everything work out for our good, or run from our current situations only to met them again later in life in a different form.....

 

[DaisyDay]

Your piece of paper may say "Divorce", but God's book would not. Malachi 2:16. Separation until repentance and desire for reconciliation is the way to go. Not divorce. Someone once said "For better or worse" Not "Until abuse and unhappiness."

A person shouldn't have to be killed to get out of a marriage.

 

[tall73]

I'm in a bad state of mind and at times just want to give up. I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness and the only thing that's keeping my head above water is my children. I've been in a loveless, sexless marriage for MANY years and feel so close to just giving up. Selfish huh?

I am sorry to hear that things are not going well. If you look through the threads on the last few pages you will find a number of people in your situation. Some have been able to find some help. Some are still working at it. But keep praying for your family, and do not give up.

It is not selfish to want human connection. God said it is not good for man to be alone, and unless someone has the gift of singleness, it is good to be married. It is also normal to want sexual intimacy, and in a good marriage, as long as both are healthy, that should happen.

Usually we can help more if we get a better idea of the dynamics.

How did you meet your spouse? How were things before marriage? What did you like about your spouse, and what do you now? When did things start to go downhill, if they were good before?

How is your spiritual life? How is your wife's spiritual life?

How often do you fight? How often do you insult each other?

You mentioned you work outside the home and she works from home. She does none of the housework? Does she do all the childcare? How old are the kids?

How is your wife with the kids? You mentioned she does a lot of activities, what kind of activities?

When you have raised the issue in the past what did she say? Has your wife given any indication that she is looking outside the marriage for emotional or sexual needs? Does she engage in porn?

Have either of you had health problems that have contributed? Have you both had a physical or had hormone and nutrient levels checked?

Is there anything that you know your wife wants you to be doing that you are not doing?

Is there anything your wife has complained about when you do have sex? Is she satisfied the times you do have it? Has she ever liked sex?

Answer any you feel comfortable with.

I feel so guilty for saying this but I often daydream of leaving her and being able to date again.

I understand you have a need for companionship, but the guilt is warranted here, as you seem to acknowledge, and you have to make sure anytime these thought enter your head to pray and dismiss them.

I can be immature at times and even selfish myself.

Give some examples.

It's hard trying to put a smile on my face and act like the perfect Christian family on Sunday. I even cringe when the pastor talks about marriage being the beautiful design. I feel rotten for it but nothing about it has been enjoyable for me.

That design you are hearing about would be good if it were happening. And I understand it being painful to hear about what you don't have. But if you shut out the spiritual help and support you need then you are hurting yourself even more.

Is just of the activity of your wife centered around the church?

 

[trekdad99]

Perhaps there was an incident in her past or in your marriage that makes her withdraw. Professional counseling could help, but doesn't always.

Don't think that you are the only couple in a church that has problems. Is your pastor educated enough to counsel couples? I think you should at least ask him what you can do.

I have tried to set up counseling but she rejects the idea. She's afraid to let our pastor know our business so I suggested going out of town but she refuses to do that as well. I can't think of any past childhood experiences unless she has kept them secret.

She gets extremely angered by the idea that I wanted to involve outside help for our problems. We live in a small town south of Nashville TN, so I thought we could go to the city for counseling but she rejected that idea as well. I would drive out of state if we had to. I don't really know what I can do to fix this if I can't even communicate with her. I don't know why or how I ended up here but I was hoping maybe I could talk with someone on here who has dealt with the same issues. I need some solid advice and thank you for yours.

 

[Rescued One]

I have tried to set up counseling but she rejects the idea. She's afraid to let our pastor know our business so I suggested going out of town but she refuses to do that as well. I can't think of any past childhood experiences unless she has kept them secret.

She gets extremely angered by the idea that I wanted to involve outside help for our problems. We live in a small town south of Nashville TN, so I thought we could go to the city for counseling but she rejected that idea as well. I would drive out of state if we had to. I don't really know what I can do to fix this if I can't even communicate with her. I don't know why or how I ended up here but I was hoping maybe I could talk with someone on here who has dealt with the same issues. I need some solid advice and thank you for yours.

It sounds to me like she wants to be in charge and doesn't want a counselor or anyone else to tell her she's less than perfect. She doesn't want anything to change. Something is drastically wrong! I may not have had this experience in my marriage, but I came from a dysfunctional home; my mother was married three times and was a control freak. My father was an authoritarian person who demanded that everything go his way.

Narcissistic personality disorder - Symptoms and causes

 

[tall73]

I have tried to set up counseling but she rejects the idea. She's afraid to let our pastor know our business so I suggested going out of town but she refuses to do that as well. I can't think of any past childhood experiences unless she has kept them secret.

She gets extremely angered by the idea that I wanted to involve outside help for our problems. We live in a small town south of Nashville TN, so I thought we could go to the city for counseling but she rejected that idea as well. I would drive out of state if we had to. I don't really know what I can do to fix this if I can't even communicate with her. I don't know why or how I ended up here but I was hoping maybe I could talk with someone on here who has dealt with the same issues. I need some solid advice and thank you for yours.

If she is unwilling to discuss any of the issues with you, and unwilling to get help, then the ball is in your court. If it is important enough for you that you are dreaming about leaving, then it is important enough for you to take action, even if she does not care for it.

I would let her know that if she is unwilling to get help for what is obviously a dysfunctional marriage then you will force the issue and let pastoral staff know anyway because you need assistance even if she is unwilling to participate.

By her keeping everyone else out she is trying to avoid dealing with it while still maintaining the image that everything is fine. Let her know that will not continue, and that you both need help, not to pretend things are fine.

If she wants to avoid letting pastoral staff know this at all costs, then the cost should be seeking help in the city instead, but help should be obtained.

 

[DZoolander]

How old are your kids?

 

[trekdad99]

How old are your kids?

9 and 12

 

[DZoolander]

Got nothing for ya man, with everything you've presented.

 

[Mr. Incredible]

I'm in a bad state of mind and at times just want to give up.

You are a good man for sticking in there. It is our duty as Christian men to model for our kids how to selflessly love. Having said that, I felt like I was reading something I wrote. You and I share a lot of things in common. I will be following this thread.

If you lived close, I would get a cup of coffee with you.