Married and unwanted

[Idealist]

I've been married for 3.5 years. When dating my wife claimed to have a good sex drive, and we had good connections in the first 6 months of marriage. Now there is very little of any meaning, just going through the motions. She does it for me to check the box off, there is no passion.

Many nights this brings me to tears, I let them fall once the lights are out and force myself to function during the day. I daydream a lot about how she used feel something stronger than just two roommates who enjoy each other's company. We have talked many times, I know she means no harm by it, but there is only so many times you can have the same conversation before it becomes of questionable value. I distract myself with work and things, today it's just closer to the surface and I hope somebody can lend some advice. I'm very weary from feeling heartbroken all the time. I wonder is this just how people go through most of their lives and just cope in the best way they can?

 

[singpeace]

I've been married for 3.5 years. When dating my wife claimed to have a good sex drive, and we had good connections in the first 6 months of marriage. Now there is very little of any meaning, just going through the motions. She does it for me to check the box off, there is no passion.

Many nights this brings me to tears, I let them fall once the lights are out and force myself to function during the day. I daydream a lot about how she used feel something stronger than just two roommates who enjoy each other's company. We have talked many times, I know she means no harm by it, but there is only so many times you can have the same conversation before it becomes of questionable value. I distract myself with work and things, today it's just closer to the surface and I hope somebody can lend some advice. I'm very weary from feeling heartbroken all the time. I wonder is this just how people go through most of their lives and just cope in the best way they can?

Idealist,

There is probably a major breakdown in communication. For whatever reason, she cannot tell you what is going on with her own secret thoughts for fear of being judged or laughed at or rejected. (I'm guessing)


Here is a link to a website called the marriage bed. Over one million people participated in discussions and comments last year. They offer resources for support groups, counselling, and other stuff. You probably can't click on it, so just search 'the marriage bed' and it should pop right up.

The Marriage Bed


Most marriages go through a bad patch like yours. I do suggest you try a good Christian marriage counselor or begin educating yourself through Internet research and talking with other Christian men that have been where you are.

Pray for her. Ask God to make her feel safe enough to be honest and just come out with whatever bothers her.

Be compassionate toward her and don't see this as something which victimizes you. That kind of thinking is one of the enemy's favorite lies. Think like Christ. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Be her best friend through this and put no expectations on her. She will always remember how you became a hero during this time.

 

[Ps145]

Generally speaking, romance is required to take it beyond performing one's "duty". This means listening, touching/cuddling, spending time, and not rushing off.

Ask God for wisdom, and maybe read through S of S.

 

[LovesToBless]

I think the advice already listed is an excellent start, so I'll just add...have you taken time to go on dates? You spoke of the good connections at the start of your marriage, so perhaps, as Ps145 mentioned already, working on romance would help.

God bless

 

[Mayzoo]

You said you two have spoken about this issue. You did not say what her response is to this issue. Why does she feel your sex life is reduced to just going through the motions? Without having a clue why she is responding this way it is very difficult to give any advice. Prayer is good advice no matter the cause, if you do not wish to share any further detail.

 

[iambren]

Confront (find bonifide reasons) for a short time.

Do counseling for a short time.

DO NOT have children till this is settled.

If she continues divorce her (or preferrably an annulment) because
you have been defrauded. It WILL NOT get better.

This story has been heard many times and it seems typical where a woman feigns sexuality which for some "reason" gets lost after the wedding. It WILL erode your soul; cut your losses and leave before you invest any more of your life UNLESS she repents and fulfills her vows of love to you as per I Corinth 7:2-5. Good luck.

 

[chaz345]

Generally speaking, romance is required to take it beyond performing one's "duty". This means listening, touching/cuddling, spending time, and not rushing off.

Ask God for wisdom, and maybe read through S of S.

Why do you assume that those things are necessarily lacking?

 

[LovesToBless]

Confront (find bonifide reasons) for a short time.

Do counseling for a short time.

DO NOT have children till this is settled.

If she continues divorce her (or preferrably an annulment) because
you have been defrauded. It WILL NOT get better.

This story has been heard many times and it seems typical where a woman feigns sexuality which for some "reason" gets lost after the wedding. It WILL erode your soul; cut your losses and leave before you invest any more of your life UNLESS she repents and fulfills her vows of love to you as per I Corinth 7:2-5. Good luck.

I'd like to actually quote this scripture mentioned by this poster:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (New International Version, ©2010)

2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Hmm, I don't see anywhere within these verses that Paul is advocating the advice given to you. Notice at the start of the verses, Paul was talking about the sexual immorality that was happening in the church. Where is the part this poster suggested about divorcing if your wife doesn't repent and fulfill these verses?

Therefore I totally disagree with this poster.

We are not told to only stay married for a short time if our husband/wife can't get their act together in "a short time". We're also not told to "cut our losses".

I agree there can be all kinds of reasons for the problems you're currently having, from something fairly simple to something very complex. Please do get help and please do be patient.

You certainly don't owe us any more detailed explanation. Please do search for a counselor/doctor/appropriate person who will in person help the two of you overcome this problem. Getting advice here can be a good starting point, and could be something that helps the two of you tremendously. But considering your depth of pain, you probably need an intermediary to get to the bottom of this peacefully and without more hurt to the relationship.

 

[Conservativation]

Why do you assume that those things are necessarily lacking?

i echo that question. I also refute the claim that those things are required, and as I write here often, that those things are great, make everything better, should be done...I highly recommend them, etc....NOPE...that they are REQUIRED is a myth and its sold in church.

Know why?


well ask any man or woman who has ever had an affair. Ask if lots of romance and non sexual touch and all that was required to initiate downright wall shaking passionate sex. NOPE.....just a quick call, "hey, Im free can we meet?" and 20 minutres later the earth moves. No...these things are not required and I wish the teaching of it would be tempered to say that they are not ALWAYS needed, because the most common church sermon has it that a guy who desires his wife has to from the time he wakes up in the morning until that night jump through a set of hoops that, MAYBE he will find a receptive partner at days end, and if he doesnt find one, well, thats no issue either but he'd better set those hoops out again the next day or at the end of it, he will be told "I cant just do it I need these hoops jumped through" ...and then the next day he will dutifually jump em again, and find her unreceptive for some other reason.....and then wash, rinse , repeat.............This happens some times.

 

[LovesToBless]

I would agree that romance is not iron-clad cure-all. I've never heard the "guy has to jump through hoops" sermon...just lucky I guess.

I think if something is in the way of having a sex life at all...then there is some kind of problem. It could be lots and lots of things. Romance could be one of them. So could a medical problem, or many other things, simple or complicated. I hope they get help.

 

[Conservativation]

I would agree that romance is not iron-clad cure-all. I've never heard the "guy has to jump through hoops" sermon...just lucky I guess.

I think if something is in the way of having a sex life at all...then there is some kind of problem. It could be lots and lots of things. Romance could be one of them. So could a medical problem, or many other things, simple or complicated. I hope they get help.

Seriously?

You've never heard the "if you want a fire in the oven at night you gotta light the pilot light and tend it all day".....or any number of silly metaphors like that?

Wow...in 20 years as an adult attending churches there has never been one in which I DIDN'T hear that.
Youve never heard that advice at all, anywhere?

 

[LovesToBless]

Seriously?

You've never heard the "if you want a fire in the oven at night you gotta light the pilot light and tend it all day".....or any number of silly metaphors like that?

Wow...in 20 years as an adult attending churches there has never been one in which I DIDN'T hear that.
Youve never heard that advice at all, anywhere?

I was responding to this...from your previous post...
No...these things are not required and I wish the teaching of it would be tempered to say that they are not ALWAYS needed, because the most common church sermon has it that a guy who desires his wife has to from the time he wakes up in the morning until that night jump through a set of hoops that, MAYBE he will find a receptive partner at days end, and if he doesnt find one, well, thats no issue either but he'd better set those hoops out again the next day or at the end of it, he will be told "I cant just do it I need these hoops jumped through" ...and then the next day he will dutifually jump em again, and find her unreceptive for some other reason.....and then wash, rinse , repeat.............This happens some times.

In addition, I will add what you have now said in this post that I'm quoting.

No, I haven't heard those things. I've been to marriage retreats and heard sermons in church that deal with sex. I've never heard anything put that way or anything I can think that is remotely the same. Is something light or even a joke ever shared? Sure...but usually within the context that the speaker knows people can be uncomfortable listening to a talk about sex.

I have heard encouragement for both the husband and wife that sex is healthy, and a great thing and that God created it for us in our marriages. That it's not something to be ashamed of, rather something to delight in. I've heard the pastors word things carefully, as young people are in attendance. And I've also heard them address singles as well, saying they know there are many present who want to be married and aren't.

At the marriage retreats I heard things that were more specific about sexual activities themselves, given that it was totally an adult audience. Break-out work shops at times deal specifically with the issue of sex in marriage as well. The speakers I've heard haven't ever been as catch phrase-ish as you are describing. They have seemed truly interested in helping those who are struggling in this area, as they are in helping couples struggling with other things. They have also provided resources that they have reviewed and found helpful in counseling couples.

 

[Romanseight2005]

But she's not defrauding him. He just wants more passion. How is that any different at all, then a person wanting more laughter, or more romance? Why is it assumed that PASSIONATE sex should be a given, but passion in other areas is extra?

 

[LovesToBless]

But she's not defrauding him. He just wants more passion. How is that any different at all, then a person wanting more laughter, or more romance? Why is it assumed that PASSIONATE sex should be a given, but passion in other areas is extra?

Interesting & good point.

He didn't say they aren't having sex. He said the passion is not there. Not that that's good...but it's different from the topic we get into a lot where one or the other is withholding sex entirely.

 

[Conservativation]

I was responding to this...from your previous post...
No...these things are not required and I wish the teaching of it would be tempered to say that they are not ALWAYS needed, because the most common church sermon has it that a guy who desires his wife has to from the time he wakes up in the morning until that night jump through a set of hoops that, MAYBE he will find a receptive partner at days end, and if he doesnt find one, well, thats no issue either but he'd better set those hoops out again the next day or at the end of it, he will be told "I cant just do it I need these hoops jumped through" ...and then the next day he will dutifually jump em again, and find her unreceptive for some other reason.....and then wash, rinse , repeat.............This happens some times.

In addition, I will add what you have now said in this post that I'm quoting.

No, I haven't heard those things. I've been to marriage retreats and heard sermons in church that deal with sex. I've never heard anything put that way or anything I can think that is remotely the same. Is something light or even a joke ever shared? Sure...but usually within the context that the speaker knows people can be uncomfortable listening to a talk about sex.

I have heard encouragement for both the husband and wife that sex is healthy, and a great thing and that God created it for us in our marriages. That it's not something to be ashamed of, rather something to delight in. I've heard the pastors word things carefully, as young people are in attendance. And I've also heard them address singles as well, saying they know there are many present who want to be married and aren't.

At the marriage retreats I heard things that were more specific about sexual activities themselves, given that it was totally an adult audience. Break-out work shops at times deal specifically with the issue of sex in marriage as well. The speakers I've heard haven't ever been as catch phrase-ish as you are describing. They have seemed truly interested in helping those who are struggling in this area, as they are in helping couples struggling with other things. They have also provided resources that they have reviewed and found helpful in counseling couples.

I wont argue what you have heard, that would be silly. It is surprising, its like marriage sermon 101 stuff this warm up all day metaphor.
If you have heard "a woman cant just do it".....which surely youve heard that, what then was what followed? Was it not some intimation that something be done? Some kind of rimance

 

[chaz345]

But she's not defrauding him. He just wants more passion. How is that any different at all, then a person wanting more laughter, or more romance? Why is it assumed that PASSIONATE sex should be a given, but passion in other areas is extra?

Lying there wishing he'd get it over with is about as much like what sex should be as being in same room hearing her and mumbling one word "responses" is like what actual conversation should be. Or to put it differently, there's a whole lot more to sex than just putting the right body parts in the right places. It IS defrauding to even call that sex.

 

[waxlion10]

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your wife, Idealist. I know that the times I've felt least "passionate" for my husband were usually when I was physically ill (I'm assuming this has been ruled out?) or when I've been upset or hurt by him. But, because we communicate frequently and pretty well, "dispassionate" sex is not a frequent occurrence for us at all.

I'm curious as to what's really going on with her. It sounds like she might not be telling you something, and that's why she feels so distant. Of course, I don't know this for sure, but I wonder...

Prayers for you.

 

[LovesToBless]

I wont argue what you have heard, that would be silly. It is surprising, its like marriage sermon 101 stuff this warm up all day metaphor.
If you have heard "a woman cant just do it".....which surely youve heard that, what then was what followed? Was it not some intimation that something be done? Some kind of rimance

In a sermon in church...no, something like that hasn't been said that I can recall. Perhaps in an adult Sunday school class, but not any I've attended, which on the subject of marriage, has been very few.

At marriage retreats, in speaking about sex, yes it's certainly mentioned that men are pretty much good to go at any given time and that a woman may not be. However, the emphasis isn't put on the man being good all day so that he can get his reward, and if he's not...well, then what does he expect, forget it!

The focus is put on to what is actually important to the individuals in that particular couple and knowing that about each other. Both of them working on their marriage together and that leading to greater intimacy in general. Some people are into romance and some aren't.

 

[iambren]

I see that in Christian and nonChristian circles it is automatically assumed that the man has done something wrong OR not done something right if the wife isn't sexual. Ie the default is the man is at fault.

THIS all happened in 6 months marriage,even though they've been married 3.5 years. To change THAT fast unless he's turned into an ax murderer or serial killer or jack-slapping her around the house I would say that's defrauding!!!

This guy is "cryin' in his beer" and that is NO way to live. If she presented herself as a sexually interested woman pre-marriage, then pulls the rug out leaving this kind of hurt it's a no-brainer....get out!

 

[ChildByGrace]

I see that in Christian and nonChristian circles it is automatically assumed that the man has done something wrong OR not done something right if the wife isn't sexual. Ie the default is the man is at fault.

THIS all happened in 6 months marriage,even though they've been married 3.5 years. To change THAT fast unless he's turned into an ax murderer or serial killer or jack-slapping her around the house I would say that's defrauding!!!

This guy is "cryin' in his beer" and that is NO way to live. If she presented herself as a sexually interested woman pre-marriage, then pulls the rug out leaving this kind of hurt it's a no-brainer....get out!

I'm certainly glad that my dh did 'get out' of our marriage. I could be the woman that Idealist was talking about!!! I certainly didn't set out to defraud my dh but a similar thing happened with us. After working on it for several years we are closer than ever and sex is better than ever. By advising Idealist to 'get out' you could be causing him to miss out on a brilliant marriage once they have worked through their problems.


Idealist-I'd like to get more background on the situation to give more informed advice. Ie did you have pre-marital sex?
Can you think if anything that could of triggered this? Etc