Marriage vs Divorce

[blackribbon]

I don't want to side track the other thread because it is significant, but it has me thinking. I have always believed in marriage and thought that it was our obligation to take it to the end no matter what. However, as I get older, I am seeing a lot of marriages that I am not so sure about that. Two of my nursing school friends are dealing with being married to mental illness. One doesn't ever get into the specifics but I can see that it must be an extremely hard life. The other has admitted that his wife has even hit him on top of the mental abuse that I already knew existed. What do you say when someone is still functional but life at home is a nightmare? ... or at the very least, emotionally dead? I am not going to offer any advice to either friend because I don't have any. I admire that they are both still in these marriages but at the same time, I see the damage that it is doing to the healthy members. I know at least one has tried marriage counseling but that isn't effective with the mental illness component. It is kind of like telling a person with severe nausea to stop throwing up and "just focus". Only this isn't likely to get better and most likely will go down the path of getting worse based on family history.

Life just doesn't seem as black and white as it did when I was young and innocent.

Any thoughts.

 

[miss-a]

I'm certainly not professing any expertise here, but I think short of infidelity, that I'd stay in the marriage, but not necessarily in the household, meaning I would not divorce but I would not live with abuse. This would give the person the opportunity to work with the Lord and a multitude of counselors to change their behaviors, and then we could pick up where we left off prior to the abuse.

I don't think I would treat abuse due to mental illness any differently. Mental illness can be managed and even healed. But me sticking around to be an emotional or physical punching bag would not expedite the process in any way, and in my opinion would impede it, so I'd likely prayerfully separate, and wait.

Easy to say when not in the situation, I know. But it's what I think I would do, and I'd probably be sure anyone I was on the way to the altar with was aware of it.

I'm with you, blackribbon, on not advising these folks. Somenone should, but I'm not sure as a co-worker that it would be my role.

 

[dayhiker]

I hear ya, miss-a.
I have a friend who has a wife with medical issues that had her so messed up that she couldn't till day from night. He was doing almost all her care and it was over whelming him. Luckly he was able to get her into a state day care service that gives him 8 hrs a day when he can get some time to himself. Also their children are stepping up some be they have their own families to raise. I really respect him for staying in their and and caring for her.

For my friend its a LOT of work, its not abuse. Abuse would make it way more severe to deal with and I think a spouse has to protect their own health when it gets to that point.

 

[sparkydave]

I was raised believing that marriage was a commitment, and that it won't always be smooth sailing. There will be compromise, and it takes work, but it's worth it in the long run. My folks just celebrated their 40th yesterday. Some time ago, my mom confided that it was difficult staying together; in my youth my dad often got sent out of town on "temporary assignments" as an engineer. It got to be a bad punchline in my family because temporary assignments for a few months turned into a few years, and we ended up moving to where he was, only to have him get sent on another "temporary assignment", and the cycle would repeat. Mom said she stayed for me and my sisters. I got to be the man of the house for a while, being the mechanic and handyman when dad wasn't there.

My short-lived marriage of 9 months ended with her saying "Well, when you think about it, it's just completely unrealistic to expect two people to stay together, because people are always changing.". I still don't get it sometimes, we dated for over 2 years, and by all accounts of our family and friends, we'd done everything right.

It hasn't spoiled my views on it, but it made me more cautious. The last lady I dated was pushing hard for marriage commitment after only a month, and didn't seem to agree that marriage was not like signing up for cell phone service where you just get an early termination fee if you decide to end early. Sorry, but it takes me longer than a month to determine if you're "the one", no matter what you may think. I dated someone for 30 months and thought I had found "the one", but I know how that ended.

 

[MorkandMindy]

I'm certainly not professing any expertise here, but I think short of infidelity, that I'd stay in the marriage, but not necessarily in the household, ...

Agreed, a year or two apart with periodic meetings might lead them to appreciate each other.



I understand that marriage counselling often makes things worse. What is needed is to value or respect the partner and to think about what has and will in future go right, and to absolutely avoid going over past hurts. In my own experience the amazing stuff she came up with during counselling totally ended any affection I might have had.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Wow that's a tough one blackribbon. When my husband was sick and dying, he used to think I was just going to leave him. I couldn't believe he would think that, and another thing he feared is me abusing him. I have never, nor would I ever hurt anyone unless I was defending my life and it hurt me that he thought this. But later I found out this happpens quite frequently that when someone gets sick the spouse can't handle it after awhile and they leave.
I still do believe if we marry we should make it til death do us part, but I cannot say what I would do in the mental illness situation. If they are physically ill, I could never leave them. To me, that's like kicking someone when they are down, and it's not right. But if it causes more hurt in the family than blessing, IDK. Maybe they know that even if they got divorced the grass would not be greener for whatever reason on the other side. IDK.

 

[blackribbon]

The one I know more details about is not a mental illness that is going to get better. She will most likely get worse. This is a progressive deterioration over almost 20 years. It is a marriage on paper only. He is not a Christian. He has stayed this long because of their daughter but she is in college now. I don't even know how to even attempt to encourage him anymore. I suspect that if he does stay, he will just work himself to death rather than go home very often.

I have a Christian friend who suddenly divorced her husband. Pretty much gave up everything but the kids to end it without conflict. She was basically ostrasized by all her Christian friends for doing this. She confided to me that she had been being sexually abused by him for a while. She lived protected him all these years and lived her life like they had the good Christian family. However, she looked at her 13 year old daughter one day and said "how long until it moves to her" and she said she couldn't stay one day longer.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

And I wouldn't blame her one dang bit. Too bad her friends did that. I don't think that's right. Even in my friend's case, he doesn't understand, and thinks she is not acting like herself, so maybe it's hormones or mid-life crisis, and her disabled friend just happened along at just the right time. He needs her and she needed an ear, but my friend doesn't want their friends to cut her off. He does draw the line with the guy though, cuz he tried to talk to him early on, and ask him to step back and he didn't so he does not want that guy around their family and she agreed to that.

 

[blackribbon]

She didn't tell most of the world about what he did. I think she wanted him to be able to continue to go to church...maybe he can change...she still loves him on some level. She changed churches. Remember this though when making judgement calls about people. Sometimes we do not know the whole picture and never will. Oh, he claims to be oblivious to why she left...and maybe he is if he doesn't think what he did was wrong. Many do believe that anything goes if you are married. I am not making any judgement calls on anyone else because I have watched too many women check out emotionally and that isn't fair either. I just have learned to step back and just try not to pass judgement on people. If I'm honest, I probably fail as many times as I succeed though.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

well, for me, I can say that I definitely fail more times than I succeed so....no judgement here but I DO know it's out there (judgement) and it is ugly!