Marriage Trouble

[jmrios]

My wife and I are young. We are both 21 and have only been married about 5 months but have been together for years now. Even before marriage there were certain things that troubled me regarding our future. Due to past experiences (some very traumatic) it seems incredibly hard for her to trust anybody. She has a temper that flares very easily and there is not a day where she does not yell although it is not commonly directed at me. We have a daughter that was conceived before marriage and sometimes it worries me that this type of character will show up on her just as my father in law seems to have influenced my wife.

We have had several fights and a few that have come close to ending the relationship. The sad part is that sometimes I don't even know why she is upset until she has blown up in my face. If her feelings are hurt, she feels its okay to do things to hurt me back because she is hurt. She has taken off her wedding band four times and thrown it at me twice. When i have explained on occassions that why i do certain things and i never even meant to hurt her feelings she doesn't believe me....i think her trust issues affect her in this manner also....
We had a fight last night where she got upset because she thought i didn't want to go somewhere with her when in fact i volunteered to go and do what she needed to do so she could watch her show. when i told her this she didn't believe me and remained upset. We got into it and she threw her ring at me again after she had promised she wouldn't do it again. She said that when her feelings are hurt, they take precedence over mine because she's the one that got hurt even if i never the way she thought.

We eventually semi-made up but even though she apologized for trhowing the ring and saying she wanted a divorce on past occassions, she still today blames me for suggesting that if we can't communicate we should separate even if it is only temporary.

I admit it sounds like im placing all the blame on her here...but i know i share on part of the blame as we are a couple and there have to be things that i have not handled well.....but at this point i don't know what to do....i want to fight for this relationship but its hard when she thinks her feelings matter more and she won't listen to what i have to say....and when i know she won't go to counseling.

I apologize for the lenght of the post....Is there anything that anyone thinks i can do, i am desperate and don't want a divorce but don't know what to do.

 

[Elderone]

Marrage is a hard parternership. My wife and I have been married 45 years and we still have our occasional dust-ups.

The first thing to learn is CALM DOWN AND DON'T LET YOUR PRIDE TAKE OVER. Life is always going to be throwing problems into your path and if you both are not very determined to make a go of it, there will always be a reason(s) to quit.

You didn't mention attending a church, but talking to a minister would be the best advise I can give. Also, prayer is amazingly helpful

I will pray for your marrage to be smoothed out.

I hope this is of some help.

 

[E_Powers]

aside from giveing marriage to god. try this book out http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/start.html

 

[Wakeup2god]

Pray about everything, if you can't together do it alone but cover everything in prayer. Would you consider Marriage councelling (Christian prefferably).

Whilst going through this trial you may wan to compare your mariiage to that of God and us - the bride. We let him down so often, we rant and rage at him. We throw blessings back at him but all through it He loves us. Sometimes all you can do is love.

Be praying for you.

 

[johnnyray00]

The first year of marraige historically is the hardest. Especially when you marry young as you to did. It would probably be good if you both attended counciling. Maybe you can speak with your minister or he can direct you to a good counselor. Your spouse needs to learn how to handle those feelings which are causing the behavior. It would be helpful for you to learn how you should respond to those as well. My first wife and I married at 20 and we fought all the time. After 16 years I couldn't take it anymore and decided to divorce her. I think counciling early on may have resolved those issues which kept building walls between us.

 

[ConradJones]

jmrios,
Patience!
That has been Gods' lesson to me for many years now. I look back at what my wife got mad at years before we we're married. It's almost the same thing now, after 10 years into marriage.
I truly believe I am sacrificial in when it comes to our relationship. I am still patient, still forgiving and still loving. You can control how you will keep the relationship going, not her. I think if you make sure she knows how much you love her, and want to do anything you can for her, and how very sorry you truly are for her pain. That's a start.
You can bring God into your relationship generally better than she can.
My problem now is she has lost her patience with me. She mentions separating regularly. She says all I offer is "lip service". I can't tell how far from the truth I think that is.
I'm looking for a Christian couples counselor in the Littleton, CO area right now for us.
Anybody have an opinion on rather we see a woman or a man??


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[heartnsoul]

I agree with everyone's advice. You both need some serious marriage counseling. If she won't go, it couldn't hurt if you went by yourself and learn how to deal with her behaviorial issues. Throwing her ring at you is very, very childish behavior. Kids act like that. This is why it is so important to be patient and wait on God's perfect timing for two people to be "spiritually mature" BEFORE getting married. It's not only her that needs to grow more in Christ...*you* do too. Why did you have premarital sex with her and end up with a baby before marriage when you know that isn't the right thing to do? I'm not pointing or blaming you for anything, but just trying to bring to your attention that it's not all HER fault. You also have made some bad, immature decisions which led to the consequences you are faced with now.

With all this said, you're right in wanting the marriage to work. Go seek counseling for yourself and learn how to deal with your wife. In a situation where two people are not getting along, someone has to be the *bigger* person. In your marriage, it sounds like YOU will need to be the one to keep the marriage floating. Read as many books as you can and learn what a godly marriage is all about. Take time to renew your faith and strengthen your walk with God. Prayer is paramount. I believe God can work in your marriage but it will require lots of patience and love as others have already posted here.

In time, as you grow in Christ, I believe you will become a better husband and friend to her. And that change (alone) will help her to grow and learn who God is by your example (hopefully). I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[heartnsoul]

jmrios,
Patience!
That has been Gods' lesson to me for many years now. I look back at what my wife got mad at years before we we're married. It's almost the same thing now, after 10 years into marriage.
I truly believe I am sacrificial in when it comes to our relationship. I am still patient, still forgiving and still loving. You can control how you will keep the relationship going, not her. I think if you make sure she knows how much you love her, and want to do anything you can for her, and how very sorry you truly are for her pain. That's a start.
You can bring God into your relationship generally better than she can.
My problem now is she has lost her patience with me. She mentions separating regularly. She says all I offer is "lip service". I can't tell how far from the truth I think that is.
I'm looking for a Christian couples counselor in the Littleton, CO area right now for us.
Anybody have an opinion on rather we see a woman or a man??


vbmenu_register("postmenu_13809701", true);

It doesn't matter whether it's a man or woman counselor. The most important factor to look for is if the person is unbiased, neutral, objective and if you both feel comfortable with that person. If she thinks you are offering her "lip service", then it sounds like you both have some major communication problems to work out. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[Johnnz]

A badly troubled past can have long lasting effects on a person. Anger is a very common response to past hurt. Good counselling can be really helpful.

John
NZ

 

[bliz]

Marriage counseling - NOW! And your wife probably needs counseling of her own. If only half of what you say is true (I have no reason to think it isn't all true) she has some major problems probably gong back to her childhood. This will not get better by your being patient and long suffering. You both need professional help. Now.

 

[BigToe]

Marriage takes work and takes a lot more than being based on love and emotions. I'm not saying that is why you got married. But its a young marriage- emotions can get rocky and confusing. You'll have to draw on a lot more than that. And the two of you will have to work it out together.

Parental attitudes do not always transfer to their children. But you will have to make sure you teach your child how to get along without getting upset.

As for dealing with your wife- ask her what she needs from you to help her out. It sounds like she needs counseling and possibly anti depressants. Does she have a therapist? Would you guys be willing to try marriage counseling? Have you been taking time to do the things you guys did together BEFORE you were married? Are you both able to take time to yourselves? Hanging out with other friends and the like? Do you guys have a church or bible study that you go to? Do you have things you do out of the house?

Pray about it. God will guide you to where he wants you.

 

[Yitzchak]

There may be nothing that you can do. But at least it is worth a try to go to the library or the bookstore and get some books on dealing with anger. It may help you to understand better where your wife is coming from and learn how to diffuse the situations a little better. Proverbs says that a soft answer turns away wrath which is a good general principle. I am not saying that it is a total solution but learning skills to take the edge off of her anger may make it slightly more livable while you look for real solutions. What I am suggesting is only a temporary way to take the edge off and will not substitute for a long term solution but it may help some.

 

[sherilynn24]

Hello- I'm kind of on the opposite spectrum of where you'e coming from and based on a few things that you've said, I thought I'd throw in a different perspective.

I'm a female, have been married since Feb. 2005 and have a baby on the way I love my husband very much but when he says hurtful things- as he does often although it always boils down to "his intent wasn't bad"- they still hurt and I am the first to grab my purse and keys and take off for a while (probably similar to your wife throwing her ring). While I don't really have a temper unless provoked, when I'm hurt and it's not acknoweldeged and made right, well I don't know what to do with myself besides to just walk away. It's either that or spend hours trying to PROVE that I'm hurt and my husband spending hours trying to PROVE it wasn't his intent. While the arguing is going on, he generally says several things that end up hurting more than the initial comment.

You may very well have a wife with emotional problems but I just am hoping to give you a different perspective as well.

I'm a good wife and take extra special care of my husband- very careful with my words never to hurt him, always make sure my words build him up as a person. Sometimes that means not saying something that is on the tip of my tongue or staying super aware of how each and every word i say to him could affect him.

He doesn't have that same consideration for me. Quite honestly, my leaving the house for an hour could be classified as childish or coping issues to many, but the truth is that when i got married, I married a man who cared about my feelings, who said he was sorry when he was wrong, who wasn't as concerned with his intent as he was with my being hurt- where that man went? I'm not sure... But, because he seems to have disappeared, I am somewhat shocked that this is what I ended up with. God forgive me for saying this but had I known that my husband would be so cold and argumentative and humanless prior to the wedding day, I would never have walked down that aisle. My point is that When I walk away - it's the only thing i can do short of going insane. I don't know how to cope with his hurtful comments because he's not being the man he vowed to God and myself that he would be.

I'll just leave you with this as well... No matter what your intent, when someone is hurt, THAT is the issue, not the intent. If you focus on what your intent was than i promise you, you will only hurt her more. Maybe you'll have to be more careful with your words if she's an extra sensitive person... I wish my husband would be.

Anyway, I'm not saying you're wrong in this but just wanted to give you a different perspective from a wife who hurts very much from her husband's well-intended words.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Your wife is responding to you based on how you treat her. Try treating her differently if you want her to treat you differently

 

[walkingbyfaith]

hi there,
I don't know if this will be helpful to you at all, but I am just like your wife in many ways, so I thought i would offer my perspective. I have a horrible relationship with my dad, and there was abuse in my childhood, not from him, but he didn't stop it either. I took my relationship with my dad into every relationship I had with men the rest of my life, romantic or not. I react very much like your wife with my husband today. The first thing I want to tell you, is most of the time, when I'm reacting, I'm "seeing" my father, not my husband. In the moment of feeling emotional and threatened, I can't "see" him, the man I love, the man who is very good to me. Does that make sense? I was hoping that would give you some small comfort knowing it may not be about you in that moment at all. Not taking it personally would help you stay even-keeled, and even defuse some of her anger sometimes. Another thing that's happening is, I was never allowed to tell that I was hurting, to talk about what was hurting me, so the only way I learned to let people know how I was feeling was to "lose it". I am SLOWLY learning that I can simply SAY, "that hurt my feelings" to my husband, that it doesn't have to be this big defensive temper tantrum to have my feelings "heard". It is such a slow process. I am sorry that the men who love women like us have that "walking on eggshells" feeling, and have to go through so much. Your patience and steadfastness, like my husband's with me, will do wonders to heal her wounds. I hope this is of some help. I will be praying for both of you.

 

[HuntingMan]

sounds like two things are needed to me.

Firstly, anger managment classes and prayer for her.
Secondly, marriage counciling for the both of you.

Part of having a mature relationship/marriage is knowing who is guilty of what, and being honest about it so it can be worked on.
Taking blame on yourself if its not due, or putting blame on her if its not due, doesnt help anything.
Sometimes it is literally the one partner who is the problem, no matter what anyone else says.
It only takes one of the two people in a marriage to refuse to be the spouse they are supposed to and destroy the marriage.

Sit down, figure out who is doing what that is causing your problems, dont put anything on her that she isnt really doing, dont take upon yourself anything that you arent guilty of and once the issues are figured out, take these and get some counciling.

Ive seen a lot of wrecked marriages where either the man or the woman takes blame upon themselves to excuse their partner. This is almost assured death to a marriage.

Just like an alcholic, if a person cannot and will not admit the problem they have, it cannot be fixed or helped.

My wife and I are young. We are both 21 and have only been married about 5 months but have been together for years now. Even before marriage there were certain things that troubled me regarding our future. Due to past experiences (some very traumatic) it seems incredibly hard for her to trust anybody. She has a temper that flares very easily and there is not a day where she does not yell although it is not commonly directed at me. We have a daughter that was conceived before marriage and sometimes it worries me that this type of character will show up on her just as my father in law seems to have influenced my wife.

We have had several fights and a few that have come close to ending the relationship. The sad part is that sometimes I don't even know why she is upset until she has blown up in my face. If her feelings are hurt, she feels its okay to do things to hurt me back because she is hurt. She has taken off her wedding band four times and thrown it at me twice. When i have explained on occassions that why i do certain things and i never even meant to hurt her feelings she doesn't believe me....i think her trust issues affect her in this manner also....
We had a fight last night where she got upset because she thought i didn't want to go somewhere with her when in fact i volunteered to go and do what she needed to do so she could watch her show. when i told her this she didn't believe me and remained upset. We got into it and she threw her ring at me again after she had promised she wouldn't do it again. She said that when her feelings are hurt, they take precedence over mine because she's the one that got hurt even if i never the way she thought.

We eventually semi-made up but even though she apologized for trhowing the ring and saying she wanted a divorce on past occassions, she still today blames me for suggesting that if we can't communicate we should separate even if it is only temporary.

I admit it sounds like im placing all the blame on her here...but i know i share on part of the blame as we are a couple and there have to be things that i have not handled well.....but at this point i don't know what to do....i want to fight for this relationship but its hard when she thinks her feelings matter more and she won't listen to what i have to say....and when i know she won't go to counseling.

I apologize for the lenght of the post....Is there anything that anyone thinks i can do, i am desperate and don't want a divorce but don't know what to do.

 

[allthatisgone]

If she's so angry, it means she's suffering. When you're hurt and angry its hard to consider others' feelings. She also prob knows that you'll accept how she is, coz you are/had been understanding (as you should be). Instead of being offended coz of how she takes it out on you or gets upset with you so easily, though itd be hard not to feel that way, you could try to see her thru and in her sufferings and give her the love she is desperately needing. Not just your human love, which is never enuff, but also God's Love which the Holy Spirit can fill you with. Ask Him to fill you with His Love like never before and you can share it with your wife. Love brings hope and healing.

And you might also wanna talk about her past and present sufferings that are contributing to her anger with her (after much prayer).

 

[major_minor]

Sorry for pointing out the obvious. Your 21. There are MANY things that you have yet to learn, experience, and mature in. I was there not too long ago myself. My wife and I knew each other @ 13/15 respectively, and got married when I was 20 and her 7 months preagnant. Been there. One thing I might suggest is a book called the "5 Love languages", very good book for a young married couple. Also, communication will need to be opened, and pride put aside.

At that age, it is very difficult. I wish I knew then what I know now. But you could draw off our experiences and wisdom to help you in yours.

~MM

 

[cjba]

You both need counseling as mentioned in earlier post. Especially your wife she has issues that she may not even be aware of. She may have expected you to fix everything for her. But at the end her problems were still there and now she has pressures of beingf a wife and mother. She is not able to handle all of this now for watever reason that is going on in her mind.

Try not to take it personal because she would of been the same no matter who she would of married. You were the one to be placed in her life. You can be the one to save her from herself and once that is done all else will fall into place.

God Bless