Wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2.5 year old and 3 month old daughters. I love my kids and wife, but I have been struggling with being a good dad and feel tired all the time. What little time I have that should be spent with my wife I use to do selfish things like sit at the computer or play video games because it feels like I need alone time and have to destress.
I know people get joy and are energized from being a father and it brings them closer to their partner, but it feels like I am just surviving and not thriving. I have not been intimate with my wife since the second child was born 3 months ago. I avoid conflict with her because I feel too drained to get into an argument. I even lied once about working late because I wanted to just be by myself at a bar for a couple of hours. It feels like all the energy I used to have for our marriage has been diverted towards the kids.
All this reached a breaking point the other day when my wife asked me about what my plans were for my birthday. There was a gaming event that is held in the city only every few years and it's something my wife knows I am passionate about. We had talked about how it was unfortunate that it fell on my birthday, but that she wouldn't want me to miss it. Somehow, when discussing finding nanny coverage for that day, I didn't even consider setting time aside to spend with her on that day (my birthday). I only thought about how I would go to the event. She called me out on it and I back-peddled and tried to lie my way out. The more she pressed me though the more it became clear I did not even consider spending time with her on my birthday. Not only that, but the time I lied about working late to go to the bar also came to light
She became furious with me and listed all the things I mentioned above as reasons for us falling out of love. I pleaded forgivness and told her that I loved her. She told me that I might still love her, but "not in the right way."
She said that she no longer felt like a best friend or intimate partner, that she was now just "the wife." That I loved her the same way I loved my mother.
I tried to argue that I loved her more than just that way, but my actions up until this point say otherwise. When I think about what is important to me and what I want from our relationship, I cannot believe the things I have done to her. But I can't go back and change what has happened and the fact that she feels this way now can never be forgotton.
She is an incredible person and everything she does has been for our family. She definitely deserves better. I tried to tell her that, apologized, and vowed to change. She responded that this was not some "mistake" or behavior that needed correcting. My actions were such that she felt like I no longer loved her and that should never have happened. She was so angry that she wanted to leave, but had to stay because of the baby.
I slept on the couch and had to leave for work early this morning, but do not know what to tell her when I come back home later today. I feel that I truly do love her even though my actions do not reflect that, but nothing I can say will convince her of that because of how things have been.
Thank you for reading this far. I appreciate any advice, criticism, or insight. I am afraid for our relationship. We have been in fights, but none like this. I have lost her trust and love and would do anything to get it back.
I know people get joy and are energized from being a father and it brings them closer to their partner, but it feels like I am just surviving and not thriving. I have not been intimate with my wife since the second child was born 3 months ago. I avoid conflict with her because I feel too drained to get into an argument. I even lied once about working late because I wanted to just be by myself at a bar for a couple of hours. It feels like all the energy I used to have for our marriage has been diverted towards the kids.
All this reached a breaking point the other day when my wife asked me about what my plans were for my birthday. There was a gaming event that is held in the city only every few years and it's something my wife knows I am passionate about. We had talked about how it was unfortunate that it fell on my birthday, but that she wouldn't want me to miss it. Somehow, when discussing finding nanny coverage for that day, I didn't even consider setting time aside to spend with her on that day (my birthday). I only thought about how I would go to the event. She called me out on it and I back-peddled and tried to lie my way out. The more she pressed me though the more it became clear I did not even consider spending time with her on my birthday. Not only that, but the time I lied about working late to go to the bar also came to light
She became furious with me and listed all the things I mentioned above as reasons for us falling out of love. I pleaded forgivness and told her that I loved her. She told me that I might still love her, but "not in the right way."
She said that she no longer felt like a best friend or intimate partner, that she was now just "the wife." That I loved her the same way I loved my mother.
I tried to argue that I loved her more than just that way, but my actions up until this point say otherwise. When I think about what is important to me and what I want from our relationship, I cannot believe the things I have done to her. But I can't go back and change what has happened and the fact that she feels this way now can never be forgotton.
She is an incredible person and everything she does has been for our family. She definitely deserves better. I tried to tell her that, apologized, and vowed to change. She responded that this was not some "mistake" or behavior that needed correcting. My actions were such that she felt like I no longer loved her and that should never have happened. She was so angry that she wanted to leave, but had to stay because of the baby.
I slept on the couch and had to leave for work early this morning, but do not know what to tell her when I come back home later today. I feel that I truly do love her even though my actions do not reflect that, but nothing I can say will convince her of that because of how things have been.
Thank you for reading this far. I appreciate any advice, criticism, or insight. I am afraid for our relationship. We have been in fights, but none like this. I have lost her trust and love and would do anything to get it back.
