Marriage On Thin Ice

[Shidi]

.........

 

[WashedClean]

Hi Shidi

OK, first of all, take a deep breath. You have a lot going on in your head right now and you need to clear your thoughts.

You wanted advice from someone with experience in your situation. I have been married for 13 years. I am a Christian, my husband is not. For many years, I neglected my husband. I didnt' mean to, but I'm just very independent so I would spend a lot of time by myself reading and what not. Thankfully, my husband would set me straight and bring me back to reality. We truly love each other deeply. As you can imagine, we have both changed physically over the years. At times I felt more attracted to him than other times. Our sex life has been more quality than quantity. So I feel that I have some understanding of your situation.

You mentioned that you are a Christian. Have you been going to church? You and your wife need counseling, preferably from a pastor. God wants your marriage to succeed. But you need to repent of your sin, especially the pornography. There are many sites and places to get help. It's a very common problem, even among Christians. There is even a forum on here under the Men's section I believe, specifically for those who struggle with it. Also, a website you may want to check out is www.xxxchurch.com. This ministry is for Christians addicted to pornography and there is a software that can monitor your use so your wife can check up on you. You need an accountability partner, a godly man who is strong and mature in the Lord that you will report to on a regular basis about this sin. But first you need to confess it as sin to God and tell him you need his help. You cannot fight this on your own.

Pray for God to give you desire for your wife. Believe me, it works. Just tell him how sorry you are for the way you've acted and you really want your marriage to work. He will honor that prayer, as long as you are repentant. Now, that doesn't mean you won't fall or have your moments, but it means that you don't INTEND to sin again in that area.

I could be totally off base with this, but it almost sounds like your wife is getting attention elsewhere. I'm not saying it's physical, it could just be flirting. Is this possible? The fact that she's smirking or smiling when she sees your pain is not normal.

Bottom line, you need to pray, confess, repent and speak to your wife. Tell her you're sorry that you've taken her for granted all these years but that you want to work this out. Ask her to go to counseling with you. You may also need to be counseled separately.

I will pray for you and your marriage.

Love in Christ,

Jill

 

[GirlieGirl]

It sounds like years of neglect have caused her to seek a place where she no longer needs you for interaction. I guess that is how some people deal with such deep pain. This sounds very serious and I second the counseling advice. You owe it to your son to get a professional involved here.

I think that you have been wise in not telling her that you did/do not find her attractive as a woman. You're right it would be terribly damaging to her. But also, her response could be "Yeah, and you're not so nice to look at either.". And that would be an ouch for you.

Also, pray with her, without her, and infront of her. Seeing you as spiritual example will be an eye-opener to her. And it sounds like for most of her marriage, she hasn't had a man that she can revere and be in awe of. (And we, women, really do want that).

 

[nuarc]

I think it's funny that now she is doing to you what you did to her you can't handle it. Suck it up buddy- you made your bed now lie in it. If you want to the marriage to work you have to work as hard as she did when you didnt respond to her. Things are different when the shoe is on the other foot arent they?
Go to a counselor and get it all out in the open.

Exactly what did you expect to happen in your marriage after ignoring your wife??

 

[bliz]

I find myself being very unsympathetic, I must confess. You treat your wife badly for 11 years, and after a few days of similiar treatment you are devestated. It doesn't matter if you told your wife in words that you did not find her as attractive as other other women (had you not bothered to look at her before?) she knew that you did not love her. Yes, for all your protests that she means the world to you, you do not love this woman.

Husbands are commanded by scripture to love their wives. Husbands and wives are commanded not to deny the other their bodies. You have done neither of these things. You have been totaly selfish and put yourself and your wishes above her.

If you want to try and restore this marriage, it must begin with you repenting and seeking her forgivness. This will take some time. You have hurt her and marginilized her for 11 years!!! Her attitude is not going to change overnight after you say a few nice words.

I strongly urge you to get some marriage counseling because you have along way to go and a whole lot to learn.

 

[Ashlynn]

I'm unsympathetic too.

 

[EmSchmem]

I'm glad someone said it before me. You ca't expect her to be all hunkey dorey just becuase you've decided to be. You neglect the woman for 11 years and NOW you've decided you're going to be a "good" husband and you want her to mosey right along with you. And when she does the same thing to you that you've done to her YOU'RE devestated? Give me a flippin break!

 

[laura-ann]

I have to say that this story disturbed me greatly. Im in agreement with the above few posts. Your poor, poor wife. You obviously dont love her otherwise you wouldn't have neglected her for so long. I feel terrible for her. In my experience the smiling thing can mean that she no longer cares what you say or do. Which is what I would be like. Im praying that your wife has the strength to do what is right - im sorry I have little sympathy for you.

 

[alaskamolly]

Sounds like she found someone else.

I'm not saying that's right, but after what she went through for so long, I'd say it's pretty darn easy to figure out WHY.

When you lost attraction for her, it signalled a big problem in HER. I'm guessing something deep...maybe demonic, maybe a personal hurt from way back, I dunno, but your attraction for her wasn't supposed to be based on her looks (though her looks are supposed to help). When you lost that, you should have ran for some counseling or other help.

You've neglected the problem for years, because she was the one who had to hurt for it. Now that it's hurting YOU, you run for help.

Some serious selfishness going on here. What you have for her is NOT love, because you don't really care about her. You care about YOU.

You can change, because God is the God of the impossible, and He can change anybody (and all of us need Him!).

You just need to realize the seriousness of what you've done, and the depth of this situation. I don't think you have...it sounds like all you've realized is your own pain right now.

It will not have an easy fix, and you need to stop bugging her (asking her to change back to her former easy-to-ignore-self) and start working on YOURSELF.

Blessings,
Molly

 

[Ruhama]

I agree for the most part with Alaskamolly although I'll be less harsh in my criticism than most of the ladies who say you never loved your wife. From what you say I disagree, I merely think you did not realize the full extent of the problem and did not deal with it in time. I also place some blame on your wife who seems to have silently festered all this time rather than addressed you directly and forcefully, and for not forgiving you for eleven years. That there is its own sin, yes?

Most of all though get a counselor, and find out right away if she's got somebody else.

Give God control of this and do whatever he tells you, and pray a lot until this is over.

 

[Ashlynn]

I dont think you ever loved your wife- you loved the feeling of not being lonely. You said it yourself- she "rescued" you from your loneliness. You never loved her as a husband should love a wife- that is why it was so easy to push her to companion status as that was what you wanted.
You fell in love with a feeling- not a woman.

 

[alaskamolly]

I also place some blame on your wife who seems to have silently festered all this time rather than addressed you directly and forcefully, and for not forgiving you for eleven years. That there is its own sin, yes?

But Ruhama, in his post he shares that she did--that she tried to talk to him many times.

He pushed her off--and there was simply nothing she could do about it, because he refused to do anything about it. He said this:

this is how she must have felt years ago when she always questioned me abaut what was wrong with me, and all I ever did was seclude my self, and tell her that I dont have the answers to her questions but God did.

This guy has some serious problems, and it's not fair to blame his wife.

He said:

But as time went passing by I started to look at my wife and analyzing her closely, and I came to face a painful reality I realized that she was not as pretty and sexy as other girls were.
So as a result of this I started in a way to treat her more and more like a friend or a companion rather then a lover.

Analyzing her closely--physically? No one could keep this man happy, because EVERYONE ages. No one can stay physically "prettier or sexier than all the other girls." It's impossible.

What this guy wanted was an ideal--a myth, a nonexistant woman.

That's why pornography works so well for him--with porn, you get the 'prettiest girl' without all the work of a relationship, without waking up to her when she has bad breath, or seeing her body swell with pregnancy, or watching the wrinkles slowly come to her face. With porn, you just get a new image! They never grow old, have bad breath, have problems--they are sheer fantasy.


With a real woman, if you know her and love her, you remain satisfied with her...she ages, you see the beauty that's still there (inside and out), not the beauty that's missing. You choose to focus on what is there, instead of what isn't, becuase you realize that YOU yourself are no superman...why would you expect her to be a superwoman?



Yahweh said,

"Let your fountain, the wife of your youth, be blessed, rejoice in her, a lovely doe, a graceful deer, let her be your companion; you will at all times be bathed in her love, and her love will continually wrap you round. ...

"Why, my son, are you wrapped up in the love of an adulteress? Why do you embrace a loose woman?

"For a man's ways are always in the Lord's sight, who watches for every path that he must take. The wicked man is caught in his own iniquities and helf fast in the toils of his own sin; he will perish for want of discipline, wrapped in the shroud of his boundless folly."

(taken from the end of Proverbs 5)...


I don't mean to be harsh here, but the way I read it, the essential problem is still here. He wants to feel good. He was, at her expense. She quit caring. Now he doesn't feel good. Now he's going crazy.

If he actually cared about HER pain, about the pain HE directly caused her, he would have done something about it looooooong ago.

But what he seems to care about most isn't the fact that he wronged her so deeply. It's that she's responding in a way that hurts him. So now he's jumping and wiggling, but it's not to make her feel better, it's to try and make it feel better for HIM.

I'm not saying there's no hope here...I'm just saying that this guy needs to realize the gravity of what he's done, AND what has been motivating him.

He's been being motivated NOT by love for others, but by love for SELF above all else.


When he sees the full weight of the 'foundation' (a house built on sand) he's been building his house on, then he will begin to be at a place where healing and restoration may be possible.

Until then, nothing's changed, really--he's still being fueled by the same ungodly source (ME first)...it's just that he's reaping what he's sowed, and he doesn't like it. (Go figure)...


Warm words aren't going to help this situation--nothing's going to help this situation, until God opens this man's eyes to see not only the full weight of what he's DONE, but also what he's been allowing to motivate his life thus far.

There will be no victorious Christian life, much less a happy marriage, until that takes place.



Kind Regards,
Molly

 

[Gerry_NY]

I ajve to agree wit hall the posts that are above. Man, you have to stop and accept what you have done. Take it like a man.
Pray and ask forgiveness and guidance. Then, by the grace of God see itf oyu can reverse ANY of the damage you have done.
How can you just suddenly look at your wife and find she isn't attractive? My wife isn't a supermodel, but I think she is the most gorgeous woman on earth. You need to stop being so superficial. The looks are gonna go (beauty, like a rose, only lasts for so long), and, if you aren't careful, so is your marriage.

 

[MominTX2004]

I sound like your wife Shidi, I have been neglecting my husband in some ways..I don't ignore him, but sometimes I think it may come to that. I have come to realize that it is both of your faults, not completely yours and not hers completely either, but I also realize you both need to take action to change it...you can't just sit and let the other person take the action. Like tonight I actually made a little breakthrough with my husband, he didn't agree with what I wanted so that made me realize I have to present it in a different manner. I know where our problems stem from and I'm just getting the courage to let my husband know why I truly dislike how he acts towards me...the one thing is pornography, have you truly stopped looking at it and realize it's wrong? I read in a Christian sex book, this book was actually teaching you how to improve sex in your marriage, and it actually said pornography hurts in the long run more than anything because it causes you to be disatisfied with your spouse..your spouse usually doesn't cause you to look at pornography. But you look at what these girls do and want your spouse to live up to it which is difficult in a lot of ways. But I won't get into that...anyway, in comparison to our troubles, someone has to take action, whether it's confronting the problem or going to counseling. You can't beat around the bush at all, or she'll just continue to ignore.

 

[cjba]

This is not about who did what to who or when. This is about 2 people that have caused hurt on one another.

The point is to give this to God and He will decide what is best for both of you. This by all means does not mean saving the marriage. If God wants this particular marriage saved He will grant this.

One action to start is to pray and start to show your wife that you do care about your marriage and you want to save this unity. The 2nd is to go to marriage counceling. If she does'nt want to go then go on your own. You need to show her respect for she has gone through alot of heartache.

Keeping you both in prayer.

 

[Freckles1234]

I too will keep both you and your wife in prayer. I have been praying for marriages for several years now and this is the first marriage that I have not wanted to have anything to do with. I will pray for you and your wife separately but until you come back on here and have been asking the Lord for your own repentance - never mind how your wife is acting around you or what she is doing, you have been asking for this for 11 solid years! - and have been doing something about you, I don't feel that I can pray for your marriage and this is the first time that I have ever told anybody this.

Molly said and I agree with it all:

Until then, nothing's changed, really--he's still being fueled by the same ungodly source (ME first)...it's just that he's reaping what he's sowed, and he doesn't like it. (Go figure)...

Get over your selfishness and start showing your wife your love for her and even if it takes the next 11 years for her to start responding to you, so be it. The old adage comes to mind here 'What goes round, comes round' and I think that is where you are. Get over the poor me blurb and start thinking about poor her having to put up with your actions for 11 years.

Like I said I will be praying but it will be for each of you and not for the marriage for the moment but for your selfishness.

If I came on too harsh that is the way that I feel, I was in tears for what you have done to both your wife and your son. You have not taught your son anything except to have no respect for the woman that he marries in the future. Get your act together and start treating her like the Lord intended for you to do and maybe, just maybe it won't be too late.

 

[Evie]

I have been married for abaut eleven years now, and my wife really means everything to me, but at the moment I feel that I have lost her.
In the beginning of our relationship ( like I assume almost every relationship) everything was great for more or less the first months you know, kissing, hugs, intimacy, and so forth. But as time went passing by I started to look at my wife and analyzing her closely, and I came to face a painful reality I realized that she was not as pretty and sexy as other girls were.
So as a result of this I started in a way to treat her more and more like a friend or a companion rather then a lover.
And this is something that as the months and years went passing by she also noticed and it is something that has devastated and desilussioned her because the sadness and grief could always be noticed in her face. And to see her like that has always destroyed me inside until the present day. Through the years she has always approached me and questioned me as to why on earth I never want to have sexual intercourse with her, and I would always have some lame excuses like I wasnt ready, or that I was going through difficult periods and stages in my life, and that I wasnt feeling good and so forth. It used to kill me inside knowing that I had to make up excuses, instead of telling her the truth, which of course would just finish destroy her even more then she already was. I just could not do that to her. So she was forever wondering I can only imagine how devastating that is. I used to please her with oral sex because she enjoyed it, but the terrible thing is that I never enjoyed it at all, as amatter of fact, I always dreaded the times when she used to ask me for it, because I wasnt getting no pleasure out of it. I figured that it was the least that I could do to meet her needs, more I couldnt do, because understand me if you will
These kind of things must not been done because of obligation, but I have to have genuine desire to to them, or else it will be just forcing me to do something to please the other person but not myself ( dont get me wrong I dont mean to sound selfish)
Any way this went on for years. And as a result of not finding my wife sexually attractive enough, I started desiring and looking at other girls. All the years it has been killing me inside to know that I cannot really satisfy my wife with what she really desires, which is sexual fulfillment. Through the years she also repeadetly told me how she lacked romance and affection in her life and never could really understand why she wasnt getting it from me.
And as the years went passing by I started to look and treat her more like a friend or companion rather then a lover and of course she was feeling and suffering through all of this. I simply could not give her what I wasnt feeling. We had our laughs and jokes and ups and downs, which by the way were more downs then ups, but all marriages go through those anyway.
And it was never in me to leave her or abandon her, because I felt, and still feel, a strong commitment towards her, because she was the one who rescued me in the beginning from my loneliness and despair when I felt all alone in the world longing to have someone to share my life with. We have had numerous quarrels and disagreements in the past, and our relationship has been very rocky, but nevertheless both of us kept hanging in there through thick and thin, we have been through so much together I mean lets face it twelve years is a whole history together. Countless times through out the years friends and family have told her to leave me because I was worthless, but she kept hanging on hoping for some kind of miracle or change,
But nothing. She is a Christian and faithfully goes to church and does her very best to serve the Lord the best that she can.
As of me I turned Christian years ago, but the flesh has won over me, as I told before I have sinned and still am sinning.
I am writing this because I have reached a point of total desperation lately.
As of some days ago I noticed a dramatical change in my wife. Her whole attidude towards me has changed completely.
She all of a sudden doesnt talk to me anymore! I am in a total state of alarm and schock. I try to talk to her and I tell her that I have never in all the years that we have been together seen her like this, and that I dont understand why she is acting like that towards me. And I ask her why she is ignoring me, but I get absolutely no answer at all! I ask her why all of a sudden she is ignoring me and I ask her if she hates me, she said that she doesnt hate me. But nine out of ten times that I ask her questions, there is no response, she tells me that there is nothing to talk abaut. At times it even annoys her when I approach her with my questioning of her behavior. The way she acts is like how you would treat a dog, yet she says that she doesnt hate me?WELL WHY ON EARTH IS SHE SUDDENLY IGNORING ME COMPLETELY?????
So when I tell her that I figure that she hates me and would rather not have me around her, she says that if I want to make that conclusion thats up to me what does that tell me????
She did say that now I feel what it is to be in her shoes so that made me tell her that she was taking vengeance, but she said that it has nothing to do with vengeance. At least then she responded a little but now, she does not even look at me, like trying to avoid me. I am going through a living hell! this is how she must have felt years ago when she always questioned me abaut what was wrong with me, and all I ever did was seclude my self, and tell her that I dont have the answers to her questions but God did. And the same she is telling me now! SO THE TABLES HAVE TURNED! I cant even believe what I am going through right now I am desperately seeking answers, praying to God for guidance and wisdom, and pleading that He doesnt take her away from me but I think that God is not on my side at all because of the fact that I am still living in sin. I think that God is totally on her side, because now I am going through the same horrible uncertainty and desperation like she went through in the past, without any anwers. In all the years that I have known her I have never seen her like this I am totally shocked she is a complete different person that I have never seen before or even imagine that I could discover!
By the way, did I mension that we have a son who is almost seven? we love him very much, his name is Alexander.
Anyway the bottom line is, that I have told her more then once lately that she and our son mean everything to me, and that I cannot imagine life without them. But everything I say or do now has no effect whatsoever on her, I feel like I am just wasting time, I do not want to get to the point where I hate her, I am doing my very best to save this marriage, but it seems like she has given up on me years ago. My situation looks totally hopeless right now?I do not know which way to turn, or what to say anymore or what to do. The question plagues me day and night wether she still loves me or feel anything at all for me but I am without answers without hope. We still live together, but its just like she is out of my life she totally ignores me, hardly wants to look my way. By the way, i didnt even mention that for years we dont even sleep together anymore...it just has been a relationship of companionship more then anything else, but I do love her, even if I never expressed it...but now its all too late.
But there is one thing that kind of intrigues me it seems lately that everytime I try to approach her for questioning I see this peculiar smile in her face, and sometimes she even laughs when I tell her or ask her somethings! WHY? WHERE DOES THAT SMILE COME FROM? yet she wont give answer to any of my questions! first she told me that she is going through a stage where her mind is full and she has to sort out things, and that everybody has their ups and downs, and that she is only human. ( and then I say to myself SO AM I ) I have neglected her in the past for so long, so I guess this is my punishment and I had it coming sooner or later. Boy do I feel horrible! I need advice, from anyone who has experience with what I am going through right now I see no hope, I feel lost and defeated. How must I act in a situation like this? what must I say, or dont say? I am begging for some answers! please help me I dont want to loose my wife and my son. She hasnt mentioned divorce yet but I am seeing it all before me like a bomb waiting to explode. We dont fight or quarrel anymore, that was of the past, but I still and always will love her, I am just convinced that if she had any love for me left, it must have died years ago how sad how I wish and long for things to be like in the beginning, how wish for a miracle to happen and turn everything around for the better and relive this marriage which is dead and buried, I am consumed by grief. I dont have a clue what she feels for me anymore. I feel like I am on death row awaiting sentence. Please help I truly appreciate it.
If you wish you can also email me: r.ayubi@home.nl

also,sit down with her and try talking. How about prayer? Ask God to help you- He will not abandon you.Um,I was the same way also,why not try to date her. Ask her to go to dinner,a movie,even a drive to a park where you both can talk. Dating helped my husband and I. We have been married 13 years now. The first 5 was the worst. I am just giving my advise as a Christian wife. But trust me,it worked for us. I love our marriage!I am praying for you.
PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING

 

[Dexx]

I find myself being very unsympathetic, I must confess. You treat your wife badly for 11 years, and after a few days of similiar treatment you are devestated. It doesn't matter if you told your wife in words that you did not find her as attractive as other other women (had you not bothered to look at her before?) she knew that you did not love her. Yes, for all your protests that she means the world to you, you do not love this woman.

Were we reading the same post?? (admittedly it was hard to follow). Since when does attractiveness equal love? When my wife is 70 i doubt that i will find her sexually attractive. But i will still love her. Attractiveness is a chemical trick played on us by hormones. Love is much more than that.

That being said, the original poster should have made more effort over the 11 years to express his adoration for his wife. If she gets affirmation from sex, then he should have made the effort to be attentive regardless of whether it was rewarding for him.

 

[EmSchmem]

You know I am pretty sure that my husband will still be wicked hot to me when he's 70 and I'm... older.

 

[Gerry_NY]

The damage done here, is not irreversable, as long as you can sit down and talk with her. Sometimes when you are so empowered to do something, and it doesn't go the way you planned, your fight instinct kicks in. Not fight as in physical, but verbal. You really need to pray for peace and for God to guide your words. I feel if you approach this in a loving, non-threatening situation, it may be able to heal itself.
But, if things don't work out, all you can do is ask God to restore your faith and give you peace.