marriage neglect

[cindymom1]

Hello everyone I am new and I wanted to start my new experiences in a room of positive God loving people. So I think I am in the right place. I would really like some positive feedback so I can "feel" the shoulder I am leaning on.
I am married with a 3 year old wonderful daughter. She is the smile in my days. My husband is bipolar and the way we met was so quick and I got pregnant so I never really understood the whole mood disorder. He was diagnosed 2 years ago after I threatned divorce. He has been on medications ever since and I really believe it has been a lifesaver to our marriage.
He has recently joined me at our christian church and to my amazement has started reading the bible everyday..he is actually almost completely read it all!
Anyways My marriage I feel is not on solid ground. I have decided within myself it is not a good idea to bring another baby into this marriage even though I would really like another one for her sake someday. However, we have been living like roomates for almost a year now. We rarely talk or even give eachother a kiss when we get home from work. It is not like we are mad at eachother it is just we have nothing to talk about anymore. He is usually so very tired all the time from his meds that talking after the baby goes down is impossible because he is long snoring as well. I am alone all the time. He usually sleeps on the couch and I alone in the bed. I feel so neglected in this marriage but I come from such a traditonally based family that divorce is looked down upon only in the extreme conditions. Each birthday and special event that passes with no acknowledgment not even a card. It really really hurts.
What I really want to know is am I being selfish to only think of me?
Is it normal to go through times like this in marriages?
are there bible versus I can read to help me feel more connected?
Thank you for listening, I know it was a lot to read. Cindy

 

[Jenna]

Hmmmm.... just a general observation, but this seems to be less about your husband's mental health, and more about communication problems. There are many of us around here who understand what it is like to live with a bipolar spouse, and there are folks like myself who are that spouse.

While I don't have enough time this morning to do this justice, let me give my view on somethings really quick. I have a three year old daughter too, and I know how much "work" those little munchkins can be. However, there has to be a real effort made by both you and your husband to make time for "together time".

It sounds like there is far more going on that you didn't include, if the two of you have separate sleeping arrangements and don't show affection for each other. If you would like a little help with trying to wade through whatever is standing between you, it would be the most helpful if you could share what is causing the trouble. Since your husband is medicated for his bipolar disorder, I'm not apt to believe that it is all about his mental health.

Anyway, I look forward to reading more from you. Welcome to the board. God bless.

 

[andiesmama]

Hi Cindy, I'm new too, so welcome from another "newbie"!

Thanks for sharing, I am a mom of a 2 year old daughter, so I, too, know how much work the little ones can be. Not to mention the hard work we have to put into our marriages!! Communication is the key, and it's great that your husband has started reading the bible & is taking meds for his disorder. But sounds like you have to start really talking to each other & getting back some intimacy so you can move & grow in your relationship. Is there a marriage/couples course you both could take through your church? Maybe have someone watch your 3 year old overnight so you all could use that time alone to start to reconnect?

Just some ideas...I hope they help! Please let us know how things are going! And I'm sorry I don't have any Bible verses to share with you, I'm still growing in that area but I'm sure some of our more "learned" posters will help you out!!

 

[Fritz123]

My heart really goes out to you! It is a major blessing that your husband is willing to take medication. I was married to a bipolar man for 20 yrs...I can understand your concerns about having more children...I had 8 with him. I love my children dearly, but my ex wouldn't take medication, had to be Baker Acted to get diagnosed and forced to take some for awhile...If I had to do it over...I wouldn't have that many children because it has been so difficult for them.
It sounds as though you all could use some counseling...maybe medical help for him. His meds may need to be adjusted.
God bless you!

 

[Katydid]

Just another point of view on top of the other things mentioned. Has your husband mentioned his fatigue to his pscych. They could have him on to high of a dose, or the wrong med altogether. Just a thought. Though I completely agree with the other ladies that you need to communicate and lean on each other to get through this.

 

[isaiah5213]

hey there:

welcome to the board! you have written an incredibly hope-filled post!!!

many things here:
i recommend you fast and pray pray pray for your husband, and especially you. it is hard, because the world teaches us "you have a right to be angry, you have a right to be upset"..etc etc but the world is actually saying "it's alright to be bitter." the bible doesn't teach that.
do you have guilt at being angry w/him, now that you know he has a chemical, God-made disorder, that you can't control? take heart. it is just God teaching you to trust and love him, thru it all. think of Esther. she came out smelling like a rose & became a hero, over situations she had no control over whatsoever.. it was all God. and your marriage is going to need that road: the all-God road.
YOU can bring your marriage back to a honeymoon stage. YOU can make it all new again. not just because he is on meds, and he is now faced w/the fact that everyone around him knows he had..issues. His biggest changes will come cuz' he gets a new lease on life because of his recent devotion to God and his will for your husband!!.. AMEN that he is reading the Bible!! AMEN that he is really working on letting God be in control of his life!!!

how do YOU feel about that?? glad? rejoicing? or, anxious? envious? bitter?
& when i say "YOU can get that honeymoon stage back," does it make you mad? or helpless, or "i am tired, why do I have to work on it, can't my husband?" or do you say "YIPPEE!!!!! I WANNA DANCE, CUZ' THAT'S WHAT I HAVE BEEN HOPING FOR & PRAYING FOR, AND FINALLY IT'S ANSWERED!! YIPPEE!!"

personal message me if you like w/the answers... i am really interested in knowing.. because for your husband to be reading the bible, i am really really excited for you, your daughter,& your marriage...

 

[bliz]

Your husband's health and meds will continue to be an issue in your marriage.

At the same time, your husband is a man, and most men are fairly clueless. Women often assume that their husbands know what they want or expect. They guys don't. You have to spell it out to many of them.
Have you talked about the bed situation? Have you asked him to sleep with you? Have you told him that you would like to have time with him? If you haven't been saying anything to him, he may think you are satisified with the situation.

You may also want to look into counseling for the two of you. These things can be a major adjustment. and getting help to work it out is a good idea. You've got time to think about additional children - no need to make a final decision just yet.

 

[LynnMcG]

Cindy,

I cannot offer any insite into the bipolar issue but I hope I can about communication and affection.

Love in marriage is a choice we make. It's very easy to fall out of love when you and your spouse are not connecting. Marriage is a 100/100 proposition - meaning in order for it to work, you must give 100 percent of yourself, even when you don't feel like it. If you want attention, give attention. Don't expect to get it back in the same measure, but do it anyway and it will happen in time.

Anyone who has kids is tired. I joke that I've been tired for 5 years (we have a 5 year-old daughter and 2 year-old son). But we make time for eachother. Somedays we have a rule that if you pass eachother by you have to make contact - a touch, a kiss, a hug - whatever.

My husband and I have been through a very difficult 6 years. He was delivered of his addiction to alcohol 10 years ago (we've been married 9) but started drinking again. Binges would be months apart, then weeks apart, then days, until it became daily earlier this year. Not believing in divorce, I used to get so angry I just wanted to kill him. I just didn't know how to handle the insecurity of my situation any more. I finally started to pray to ask God to change me. If my husband wasn't going to change, then God needed to change me. And God told me to just do my job. It was such a harsh correction but he was right. So I did. I became the best wife and mother I could. I kissed him when I felt like smacking him. I fed him, when I felt like poisoning him. I made his lunch, his coffee, washed his clothes, and cared for the children alone - without complaint. And my husband saw that I was faithful and God changed him too! He's been sober for 4 months. He's back in church and attending/participating in AA meetings. He is back to being the man I married.

Make the decision to give him all you've got. Pray for God to change your heart. I know God will bless your efforts. And let us know how you're doing.

Lynn

 

[GaelSong]

Hi and welcome

I am bipolar and can understand the drugged feeling the meds can give you. They also dont make you want to 'fool around' in the bedroom with your mate as you are too tired. It is all I can do to stay up till nine at night. I have to say my husband is very patient, without the diagnosis and meds our marriage was heading for the rocks.

See if your husband can get his meds adjusted some, and try to take a little time each day for communication and pray! Hoping everything works out for you

Merrifay