Marriage advice

[Katie4469]

So to begin with I have ADHD and am on the autistic spectrum and I am bad with words but I will try my best to explain everything.

Met my current fiancé when I was 21. Started dating at 24, opened a business together 3 months in. Got engaged at 27 (he originally proposed at 24 when we first started dating but officially made the proposal on our trip in Greece at 27, 2019). Moving on, he is Christian. I was raised atheist, my sister is anti-thiest. I’m not atheist but I had no religious upbringing AT ALL and I lack a lot of knowledge. I actually never learned who Jesus was until I was 24 when I met my partner. It’s a lot for me to take in, as much as I am trying.

I love my fiancé and I do want to marry him, but he will not marry me or have children with me unless it is in the Greek Orthodox Church where I also need to be baptized first. He is 36 and wants children like, NOW..

I suffer from severe anxiety and the religious thing is a lot for me, even though I’m open minded. He wants children NOW, as well as a huge wedding. we are not getting any younger, but I don’t want to get baptized if I am not sincere in my beliefs. It’s not that I don’t believe, but I just don’t FEEL ready. Basically have been postponing my baptism, our wedding, our children because of my “mental illness.” I just don’t know what to do. We love each other and our relationship is not the problem. It’s just that we came from two completely different worlds. And to him he feels he’s not asking a lot at all. But I came from a family who always told me not to get married, children are a waste of time, just get an abortion, etc. Not the greatest values, not that I believe in any of that but he is just on the very opposite of the spectrum. My mom always told me if I was to get married to just elope, I know thats what my sister will do. In my heart I wish I could do the same, I am just a private shy person. Sigh.

There are other concerns on top of all of this, such as I put on a lot of weight since being with him (was 125, now 160lbs since seeing him as he is a glutton and put his lifestyle on me...plus the business.) and now I’m too scared to wear a dress etc. But I don’t want to focus on all of the other issues on the side.

Anyways, any advice is appreciated.

 

[Psalm 27]

So to begin with I have ADHD and I am bad with words but I will try my best to explain everything.

Met my current fiancé when I was 21. Started dating at 24, opened a business together 3 months in. Got engaged at 27 (he originally proposed at 24 when we first started dating but officially made the proposal on our trip in Greece at 27, 2019). Moving on, he is Christian. I was raised atheist, my sister is anti-thiest. I’m not atheist but I had no religious upbringing AT ALL and I lack a lot of knowledge. I actually never learned who Jesus was until I was 24 when I met my partner. It’s a lot for me to take in, as much as I am trying.

I love my fiancé and I do want to marry him, but he will not marry me or have children with me unless it is in the Greek Orthodox Church where I also need to be baptized first. He is 36 and wants children like, NOW..

I suffer from severe anxiety and the religious thing is a lot for me, even though I’m open minded. He wants children NOW, as well as a huge wedding. we are not getting any younger, but I don’t want to get baptized if I am not sincere in my beliefs. It’s not that I don’t believe, but I just don’t FEEL ready. Basically have been postponing my baptism, our wedding, our children because of my “mental illness.” I just don’t know what to do. We love each other and our relationship is not the problem. It’s just that we came from two completely different worlds. And to him he feels he’s not asking a lot at all. But I came from a family who always told me not to get married, children are a waste of time, just get an abortion, etc. Not the greatest values, not that I believe in any of that but he is just on the very opposite of the spectrum. My mom always told me if I was to get married to just elope, I know thats what my sister will do. In my heart I wish I could do the same, I am just a private shy person. Sigh.

There are other concerns on top of all of this, such as I put on a lot of weight since being with him (was 125, now 160lbs since seeing him as he is a glutton and put his lifestyle on me...plus the business.) and now I’m too scared to wear a dress etc. But I don’t want to focus on all of the other issues on the side.

Anyways, any advice is appreciated.

Sounds like adhd is more common than we first thought. Controlling people is one of the many traits. You're not the only one with adhd (as if that's a real thing)
Praying for you to be healed of anxiety.
Try reading the new testament, it will guide you in your future decision making. (That's to both of us )
Numbers 6:24-26

 

[tturt]

Katie4469 welcome to CF. I'm not good with words either but will try.

My goodness you are trying to please lots of folks all with different points of view. Glad that you're learning about Jesus.

You asks for advice - As believers, thankfully we can pray to our heavenly Father and asks Him for guidance. The most important thing we can do is love Him. What an opportunity we have to gain from His wisdom by reading His Word.

Also, hoping that you will decide what is important to you. Need to ignore/eliminate all the voices that don't apply now. You're not rejecting them though.

 

[fixn_junk]

Do

So to begin with I have ADHD and am on the autistic spectrum and I am bad with words but I will try my best to explain everything.

Met my current fiancé when I was 21. Started dating at 24, opened a business together 3 months in. Got engaged at 27 (he originally proposed at 24 when we first started dating but officially made the proposal on our trip in Greece at 27, 2019). Moving on, he is Christian. I was raised atheist, my sister is anti-thiest. I’m not atheist but I had no religious upbringing AT ALL and I lack a lot of knowledge. I actually never learned who Jesus was until I was 24 when I met my partner. It’s a lot for me to take in, as much as I am trying.

I love my fiancé and I do want to marry him, but he will not marry me or have children with me unless it is in the Greek Orthodox Church where I also need to be baptized first. He is 36 and wants children like, NOW..

I suffer from severe anxiety and the religious thing is a lot for me, even though I’m open minded. He wants children NOW, as well as a huge wedding. we are not getting any younger, but I don’t want to get baptized if I am not sincere in my beliefs. It’s not that I don’t believe, but I just don’t FEEL ready. Basically have been postponing my baptism, our wedding, our children because of my “mental illness.” I just don’t know what to do. We love each other and our relationship is not the problem. It’s just that we came from two completely different worlds. And to him he feels he’s not asking a lot at all. But I came from a family who always told me not to get married, children are a waste of time, just get an abortion, etc. Not the greatest values, not that I believe in any of that but he is just on the very opposite of the spectrum. My mom always told me if I was to get married to just elope, I know thats what my sister will do. In my heart I wish I could do the same, I am just a private shy person. Sigh.

There are other concerns on top of all of this, such as I put on a lot of weight since being with him (was 125, now 160lbs since seeing him as he is a glutton and put his lifestyle on me...plus the business.) and now I’m too scared to wear a dress etc. But I don’t want to focus on all of the other issues on the side.

Anyways, any advice is appreciated.

Do not get married right now. Marriage is hard work when the man and woman are on the same page scripturally. If you jump into this marriage expect hell on earth. I would recommend you first seek discipleship through scripture for your personal growth and benefit then move on from there. The Bible has answers for all of our problems if we are humble enough to receive them.

 

[Tolworth John]

We love each other and our relationship is not the problem.

May I ask what church you both currently attend each week?

How did your church pastor prepare you both for marriage, did he go through what love is in a marriage?

Those questions aside I suggest that you sit down with your husband and talk about these BIG issues, if need be write down your concerns about being baptised.
Your concerns about being overweight.
Your concerns about having children.
Your concerns about the preasure you feel he is putting you under.

These despite what he says are not little things, they are BIG and he needs to listen to you, to understand your thoughts and to act to support you.

 

[BobRyan]

Sounds to me like spiritually, emotionally, practically - you already are married. Stop using the atheist definition of marriage.

Your fear is the formal ceremony. If you join his church and later decide a less formal, less ceremony-driven church is right for you -- you still have free will and can do that so it is not like a bridge you have burned by joining his church.

However - my advice is to read the Bible and make your connection to Christ - number one priority. Christ is also very helpful when it comes to mind issues.

 

[timf]

An atheist is one is is certain there is no God. An agnostic is one who is uncertain. If you are uncertain, you may wish to make an appointment with the bishop and tell him of your concerns or beliefs. He has probably dealt with all sorts of situations with his church and he can let you know if your level of uncertainty is within what they consider acceptable.

 

[Albion]

Hi, Katie. It does seem that you have a problem without an easy solution. It's rarely successful when anyone violates his conscience in order to have some outcome, so I cannot recommend that, and I doubt that your spouse would accept you becoming a merely nominal Orthodox Christian who isn't much of a churchgoer. Even if he did, it would last only until the first child came along and needed to be baptized.

About all that I can think is that you must have a frank, open, and honest discussion about all of this with your intended husband and do not hold back on your reasons for not wanting at this time to agree to his terms. Then see where you are. I got the idea from your post that he thinks you can be induced to do what he's hoping for if he simply keeps urging you to give in. You must make him realize that this isn't the solution...and then see where things stand.

 

[Sketcher]

Have you gone through his church's classes for seekers/new believers?

Maybe do that.

I understand wanting kids by a certain age as a life goal. Since he appears to have a deadline for himself, he needs to prioritize whether he wants to wait as long as he needs to in order to have them the right way (officially married in the church to a baptized, believing bride, presumably according to the rest of his church's teachings as well), or sacrifice that to have them at 36. If I were in his shoes and sure I wanted to marry you, I would choose to wait another year or so if you were moving in that direction. If you have no intention of doing so, let him know, being prepared to lose him forever, and leave the ball in his court.

The dress issue - you can either lose weight, or choose to not care about how you look more than he does.

 

[Kenny Benson]

Hi Katie. A couple things in your post stood out because I identify with them, autism (I have Asperger's). Marriage, I'm trying to come to terms with my own marriage and the expectations that go along with it. Your self perception that you brought into your marriage. Yes, I know you are concerned about having children and being baptized (based on the self-perceptions you brought into the marriage). You have a lot going on and the autism can make your relationship with your fiance even more challenging. Physical touch and the sharing of emotions is difficult for those of us with Asperger's. It's not that we don't want it, but it goes against our nature. I see a fear of fresh start inside you. I don't believe you like who you were or are but you're afraid of what can be. I don't see an easy fix. If I could, I would use it to fix myself. I'm not doing so great myself, but I'm trying hard to go with the flow as in fake it until you make it. I pray for an open mind, which is difficult. But an open mind would pave the way toward a life of acceptance instead of rejection.

 

[bèlla]

The problem is simple…

He got involved with someone who didn’t believe in God, wasn’t Orthodox, and expects her to change. You chose someone who believes in God, follows a strict Christian path, and want him to be patient.

You’re divided on an important issue that impacts the rest. If he’s committed to his path that won’t change. He’ll want the same for his wife and children. It will be a longstanding battle. Are you up for it?

If you require peace for your mental health. You need to be united in key areas. Otherwise conflict ensues.

You can have a good relationship and be divided on key issues if your temperament is complementary. Nevertheless, the elephant remains. Resolving it is impossible without compromise.

Don’t marry someone expecting them to change. It’s an as-is proposition. They may or may not. Knowing what you can stomach is key. It saves a lot of heartache.

I’ve been in this situation before. Several times in fact. And I walked away. They wanted things from me I’d never do or had no desire to meet. Allowing emotion, time together, or their pleas to sway my decision would be wrong. I knew where I stood.

The experiences reinforced the importance of being true to myself and honoring my heart. They wanted to marry me but I knew I couldn’t.

You’ll always have differences. But when they fall in major areas its problematic if neither wants to bend. My must-haves for marriage are:

United on…

God
Family
Money
Work
Mission
Life outlook
Temperament

When I say family I mean children and relatives. We can broach the areas differently. But we can’t be apples and oranges.

We don’t argue. I’ve known him four years. We dated in the past and reconciled. We’re united where it counts (for us) and it makes things easier.

There’s things we’d like to see the other do. But it doesn’t result in standoffs. We’re supportive and patient. And we work on one another. We’re good at influencing others and know what works.

What separated him from the rest was something he said I never forgot. He laid out the future and shared his dream for us. Not what he hoped to have. What he was consciously working towards before we met for his future wife. And he asked was it enough and could I be happy with that.

Adjustments were made over time but the starting point was pivotal. This is someone willing to work with me. To reach a mutual end we desired. It wasn’t my way or the highway, bait and switch, or one-sided compromise. We’d work together.

That’s a quality that aids longevity and keeps you out of court. Few possess it.

Consider the ramifications of your decision. Once you agree he’ll hold you to it. Good luck.