Mama's Boy

[wolfiswill]

Mama's Boy


My sister needs some advice. She is engaged and getting married in 2 months. Here is the problem. Her fiance's mom was recently dumped by her "boyfriend" and ever since then her fiance has been an extreme mom's boy. Everytime my sister trys to get him to go somewhere with her, he always asks his mom to go also and she tags along. This is causeing a problem in their relationship, because there is hardly any time for them to be alone anymore because his mother is always in the picture. He has always been "close" to his mom but never like this. How does she break the news across that she needs to spend some time alone with him? without his mom being there? without making it sound as if she is jealous of the time he spends with his mom? Another issue is that whenever they get into an argument or have a disagreement he runs to his mom and tells her everything. How does my sister set boundaries before this becomes a bigger issue and especially since they are getting married in a few months?

 

[wolfiswill]

I posted this in the courting forum, but I wasn't getting any response. I wonder if any of you have ever dealt with this or have any ideas.

 

[the_man]

If they are both believers she can point out to him Gen. 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" and that she is worried that she doesn't see him leaving his mother, she feels she (mother) will always be a part of their one flesh. That opens it up to a discussion on how that can improve and what that would look like in marriage.

 

[StephanieD]

I think it's best just to be open and honest with her fiancee. I'd let him know that even though that's his mother, she is going to be his wife. From the beginning of the Bible (Genesis 2:24)

a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

He is going to have to separate himself from his mother in some way. He doesn't have to ignore her for the rest of his life, but respect his relationship with his wife. If they're getting married, it's your sister who he should be going to when they have a fight in order to work things out. It's your sister he should go to when times are tough or when he needs help/advice in a situation. Not his mother. Communication is key. My bf is close to his mother and he's told her things that I've done (like take back a sweater she had bought me). I'd prefer that he didn't do that, so I told him that. He didn't quite understand at first, but he respects that I don't want him to tell her that type of stuff.
If you sister is a Christian, I'd tell her to pray about how to tell him how she feels. It's best to confront a situation with "I feel like ___________ when such and such happens." instead of telling him that he's wrong and inconsiderate of her feelings. Don't attack, but explain. Also, that she wants him to be as close to her and he is with his mother.

 

[Tenken]

I think your sister just gotta lay it out in the open with her fiance (without his mom around of course), while demanding full exclusivity, and lets her fiance handles the situation. If he runs to his mom and tells her about the issue too, then I think your sister should reconsider the whole marriage thing.

I'm not saying that they should have no compassion for his mom, but eventually the man would have to leave his parents to lead a new family.

 

[wolfiswill]

Thanks guys for the advice so far. I'm trying to help her understand this. One thing I have emphasised is that if this isn't resolved now it won't change when she is married and she understands this but frustrated because his mom wants to be in everything that happens. The wedding is March 19.

 

[the_man]

Thanks guys for the advice so far. I'm trying to help her understand this. One thing I have emphasised is that if this isn't resolved now it won't change when she is married and she understands this but frustrated because his mom wants to be in everything that happens. The wedding is March 19.

Yeah, no doubt. If there is no change now, nothing will change after March 19th.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

The fact that he wants to spend time with his mother (in general) doesn't automatically make him a "mama's boy".

Ok, now if we're talking "recent break-up" as in 1,2 or even 3 weeks, the your sister needs to leave the situation alone for now. Without knowing everything (ie is he an only child, etc.) he's probably just trying to comfort her. Maybe its just me, but I've had my heart broken before and thankfully, i had some people around me who didn't let me have a pity party, but tried to cheer me up, even though it may have meant spending a little extra time with me.

If I was your sister, I would tell him that although I'm glad to see that you want to be there for your mom during this difficult time, don't forge that we need to have our quality alone time as well. I would then tell him that maybe he should encourage his mom to get out and become active again in life (joing church group, spend time with other friends or siblings if any) because that will help her get her mind off of her ex.

 

[Stanfi]

First she needs to pray about this situation.

Then have a good heart to heart talk with her fiance.

 

[Iggster]

Hold on a sec....Just because he talks to his mom about his problems, it doesn't mean he's a moma's boy.

Let's rewind here a little bit. Before his mom's boyfriend and your sister as his fiance, who was there for them? I'm assuming his biological father isn't around. I think it would be a given that they have such a close relationship because they only had each other. For him to be there for his mom is normal.

I'd say it's wonderful that your sister is there with his mom during her difficult times. Afterall, when she marries him, she's marrying into the family too. Vice versa.....What if your family needed help and he was the only one that could help? Besides, they can have all their time together when they're married. Just my .02 cents........

 

[wolfiswill]

Ok some more clarification. it isn't the fact that he is close to his mom that is the issue. (I'm definitely close to my mom). The issue is that she makes his decisions for him and still tries to control things. He is 21. His moms breakup with her boyfriend happend a few months back. Instead of being dependent and making his decisons he is codependent on his mom.

 

[Iggster]

Now that would be an issue.....I would say the mom needs to ease out of his life and let him grow up. Otherwise, I fear that your sister might become more of a mother figure than a wife in the long run.

There are some brothers and sisters that have some great advice for your sister. You should print this thread and take it to her.

 

[wolfiswill]

She knew that I'm on this site alot so she wanted me to bring this up. Shes definitely doing to read it. Thanks for the advice so far. It is really helpful.

 

[fishstix]

The engaged couple needs to discuss this problem. If it isn't resolved to both their satisfaction, then postponing the wedding may be a good idea as that would likely mean that the groom isn't ready to leave his mommy yet. Unfortunately, some people never do grow up to that point. And once they are married, if the problem hasn't already been solved, it is likely to escalate rather than improving.