Major Fear over Being Unsaved

[BeccaLynn]

Hello,

I just recently registered on this site and have not even figured out how to access the private messages I've received from the new member's post. However, I wanted to go ahead and ask you guys if any of you have experienced anything similar with your OCD as I am about to describe. So much of what I have read seems like me (the horrible thoughts, the 24/7 worry over being lost and feeling hopeless about it, and so much more), but there is something above all else in my life that seems to ensure my personal struggle. Before I forget, I was diagnosed with OCD officially about 6 years ago, although I have struggled with it for most of my life. Okay, here goes . . . About 7 years ago, I was so tired of all the worry over being personally saved, the lack of peace, the scary thoughts, etc., that I literally cried out to God and told Him that I hated Him and that if I was saved, as some have tried to convince me, then why didn't I have any peace?! That was on a Sunday morning before I went to church. That very day, the sermon at church was called No Peace, No Jesus. Know Peace, Know Jesus. The entire sermon was on the peace you have from having a genuine relationship with Jesus. That was my answer from God. I had asked Him, and it definitely seemed to validate my fears that I was and am lost. I could've gone forward as I have in the past, but I felt hopeless since I have prayed to be saved so many times before and nothing changes. So many things have happened like that though that it is too hard for me to think that it is just because I'm OCD. One day at a store, there was a man in the checkout lane beside of me. I became very intimidated by and afraid of him, although he was paying no attention to me and I had no idea who he was. My mother was with me that day, and although she didn't know what I was feeling she said that the man in line next to us was a minister of a certain church. That made me feel even more evil! In church shortly after that, my preacher said that sometimes the Holy Spirit in someone's life can convict someone else. So, of course, that's what I feel happened. I was so scared after hearing that, I could actually feel the blood draining from my face. My husband even noticed that my lips looked pale and made a comment to me about it. I've been scared most of my life to go to church. I go, but it makes everything seem so much more real and fearful. One night I went to church without my husband and in the car I told God that even the worship scared me. Again, in the service I went to the statement was made from the pulpit after worship that "If you don't enjoy worship, something is wrong". Recently, I told God that I wanted to serve Him out of love and not fear. The sermon after that was, you have probably guessed it, on serving God for the right reasons, not out of fear or duty, but out of love. It was said that some people who serve out of duty, etc., might spend their lives doing so but find themselves lost because they don't have the love of God in their lives. The latest thing that happened was that I just opened the Bible one morning when I was attempting to have prayer time and began reading the Scriptures. I read, I think it's in Ephesians, that a new piece of garment cannot be sewn onto an old garment or it will rip, and new wine must be poured into a new wineskin, not an old one, or it will burst. I told God that I didn't even know what this meant and also that it's as if I tried and tried, but nothing seemed to change with me. That I wanted to serve Him, but it was like being religious instead of being a true Christian. The sermon this time was on those exact verses and the meaning of them. The minister said that it meant that Jesus cannot pour Himself into someone who has not been made new by God's Spirit because a person who has not been changed (saved) by His Spirit cannot contain Him. My fears about being lost seem to always be more confirmed. I pray and cry and spend horrible, fearful days and nights. I keep trying to believe enough, be sorry enough, pray again to receive Jesus, etc., but I'm stuck. It's like being in an internal prison and I so envy those who have a real relationship with Jesus and the peace that is supposed to accompany it. I know this has been long, but I go over and over these things in my mind. I can't find any happiness or joy in life, and it robs my husband of his wife and my son of his mother. Can anyone identify with any of this I'm talking about? It's more than just reading about the Pharisees and thinking I'm like them. It's like things I think and pray are answered in sermons.

Thanks,
Rebecca

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Beccalynn, I really feel your pain, sadness, and struggle. This stuff is really the pits, isn't it? Though my OCD does not revolve around being saved, it did come up quickly and grab on to my belief about whether or not God really exists, and if he doesn't exist, then everything that I had based my life on is false. It's a scary feeling and I imagine it is much like the terrifying feeling you get from being afraid that you aren't saved.


One thing that I have realized about OCD is that not only does it like to manipulate our thoughts, but it also likes to manipulate our feelings. ALL Christians, I am sure, have had the feeling "what if?" thoughts, but most are not affected by OCD. Even I have had several times in my life where I have wondered "what if God isn't real?" but it was always something that I was certain of and KNEW in my heart, no doubt about it. But one time was all it took for FEAR to grab ahold of that thought and make it seem REAL and TRUE. And when it crosses that threshold, it seems like it is nearly impossible to get back to that place without fear, doubt, and anxiety.

Your constant cycle of desperately seeking God to reveal himself to you, to give you peace, to let you know somehow that you really are saved and have nothing to worry about... I have been there. I am STILL there. I have OCD about other things and it is the same cycle - fear, the testing of ourselves (or God) to try and find a certain answer, or the right feeling, or a sense of peace that will let us "know", without a doubt, that our fears are false and we really are OK.

One thing that helps is trying not to run away with the emotion of fear/anxiety/doubt when a thought enters my mind. And I can relate to the feeling fake - I feel like I can't be around my friends, or teach Sunday School because the OCD screams 'you don't really believe this stuff anyway, you FAKER!!!!" It's awful. And the best defense I have is to just acknowledge the thought is there, but try not to dissect it, or figure it out, or try to "find" some answer or certainty inside of me to "prove" that my OCD is false (or that you are saved, or that God really exists). I just try to let it be and find something else to focus my mind on.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this pain. It seems as though OCD attacks the things that are the most important to us, and that we need to be the most certain about. If I needed to be certain that I ate peanut butter and jelly for lunch, OCD would attack that as well! It could convince me I was turning into a pink elephant if it wanted to - OCD is just that powerful. Once we take away the power of OCD, the thoughts will lessen. It's really hard, but it does help. I will be praying for you!

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Rebecca, I to am sorry that you are suffering with this awful disorder, I have had the same "FEELINGS" and thoughts that you are experiencing. It seems that we with OCD will seek out the most negative thoughts that we can, we don't always hear All of the sermon that is being preached or in the context that it is being taught ,our OCD causes us so much distress that going to church or even reading God's word is sometimes traumatizing for us, believe me when I tell you that if you were not saved you would not even being worrying about your salvation at all. Sad is right OCD attacks the things we love the most. God knows all about your OCD and He understands that we really do have a physological and psycological disorder.I have had OCD for over 20 years, (horrible thoughts) but my Lord Jesus has allowed me to be used of him in powerful ways, I am one of the worship leaders in my church Praise God He can use we with OCD for his honor and glory. I don't know why we have OCD and others don't, I almost wish I had anything other than OCD I hate this awful disorder but we must press on trusting God, he loves us as much as a person with normal thoughts and brain activity. I talked to my Doctor the other day and He told me that he has brain scans of people with OCD and people who do not have it and the brain looks so much different. We really have a disorder that may require medication to help our chemical imbalances. Have you spoken to a Doctor at all about the way you are feeling? OCD can also lead to depression. I am so convinced that God has given us Doctors and pastors and couselors to help us. Don't give up press on knowing that God loves you and that if you have trusted his Son for your salvation (which I know you have) that you are saved even if your "FEELINGS" are telling you otherwise.Our salvation is not based on our feelings but it is based on what Christ did for us on the cross. Again it's not about how we "FEEL" its about what He did for us. Right now I am having a terrible time with my OCD ,but tonight I was putting together the worship songs for Sunday morning , I don't have alot of peace right now but I know that does not mean I am not saved, the Lord is asking me to press on with the things I am called to do and He will take the responsibilty of getting me through all of this mess with OCD I choose to believe Him even though my thoughts are just the opposite. I can tell you that after having OCD for 20 years we will have times of immense peace, then we will have terrible times of flares, but God has not changed towards us, He loves us and will see us through the good times as well as the bad times. Take heart reach out for help, ask God to send you the help you need, He is faithful. I will be praying for you. Jan

 

[BeccaLynn]

Thanks so much guys for your responses. For so long, I felt like I was the only person on this planet that was like this. Actually, I have been speaking with a pastor friend (the pastor of the church I grew up in) and he is very supportive. In the past, I have also tried quite a few different anti-depressants, but the only one that worked for my thought patterns (I've gone through the horrid thought-life struggle as well) seemed to be Luvox. It helped in some areas, but intensified other areas. I also gained about 20 lbs. and my blood pressure went up pretty high, possibly due to the weight gain. It did not help me with the salvation issue and the anger I experienced on it was intense. Right now, I have no insurance because my husband lost his job, so I've just been talking with my pastor friend. I have been to several counselors in the past, but no one I felt I really connected with. One experience was absolutely horrible! The counselor didn't say anything about me having OCD, but he said that maybe Jesus was trying to reach me and led me in a prayer for salvation. Of course, I did pray to be saved, as I have many times before. He thought he had a real break-through with me, and I was hoping he had, but knew it was just like all the times before. I feel I just won't let Jesus in and that I can never experience what others have. I never seem to have the faith or a repentant heart, only fear. I actually get angry sometimes when I hear ministers talk about what a life-changing experience they had and about how you're not saved if you're not changed. I would love to stand up and be able to say I've experienced that, but I've not. I envy them. Ever since I was around 7 years old, I have felt like I was different and that something was wrong with me when it came to the things of God. I hoped I would get over it, but never have. It's not just the lack of feeling, it's that I can even think something and then I hear it. Like in church one day I thought, "I feel like God has turned His back on me", and right after that thought entered my mind, my minister said, "God doesn't turn His back on you, you turn your back on Him". There have been so many times this has happened that it's too hard to ignore. Again, thanks for your responses and your prayers. They are greatly appreciated.
Rebecca

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi BeccaLynn, I'm sorry about your struggles. I have tried several anti-depressants in the past and while Luvox worked, I didn't like the side effects. It seemed to take away the anxiety but the thoughts were still intense. I'm glad you have been talking with your pastor friend. Just getting it out sometimes really helps lift the weight and the burden of all of these intense emotions.

Have you specifically visited a therapist that specializes in OCD? On the O-C Foundation webiste (google OC Foundation) you can search for a list of OCD specialists in your area.

Unfortunately sometimes regular talk therapists or even well-meaning Christian therapists really miss the mark when treating OCD. I spoke with one Christian therapist who believed that OCD was an attack from Satan. Now, I do believe that Satan can use our vulnerabilities (such as our greatest fear - not being saved) to whisper lies into our ear, but all in all, I don't think OCD is related to spirituality. It's like having diabetes - it's a medical condition and you don't get diabetes because you don't have enough faith or you haven't prayed enough or you didn't obey God perfectly. It happens because we live in a fallen world.

Anyways, like you, I also have fear that I won't get to experience what others do. Before OCD attacked my faith, I often dreamed of having a loving, Christian family where it was so apparent that God was in our lives. Now when I think about it, my heart sinks, for fear that I will never be able to have that. Fear I will never be able to experience the love of God and the good things He does for people because of my "doubt" and my OCD always asking if I really believe in God and if I really think He exists. I used to love listening to Christian music but I shy away from it now, because it triggers me and I become afraid that I won't have that "emotional experience" that I think I should have.

This is all faulty thinking of OCD, of course, but it seems so real.

Through all of this, I wonder if God is trying to teach us not to rely on our feelings to tell us whether or not we're truly saved. Unfortunately, we are not perfect like Jesus so we can't experience perfection 100% of the time.

 

[BeccaLynn]

No, I've not had a counselor who specializes in OCD. I have felt that I needed someone who did. I did have a counselor once who told me I was OCD and then sent me to a psychologist to be prescribed an anti-depressant. This is the doctor who prescribed the Luvox. That same psychologist told me a while back that I was also Bipolar without the mania. I know I am OCD, but my minister friend, husband, mother, etc., as well as myself wonder about the accuracy of the Bipolar diagnosis. Possibly due to the OCD, I can answer "yes" to certain questions he asked me feeling it's the truth, yet unsure, if that makes any sense at all. When he asked about me getting urges to spend money, I replied, "yes", but my friend said that he meant do I go out and spend large amounts of money on impulse. That's not how he worded it though. Anyway, I will look up the website you listed. Right now, I don't have insurance, so that has been a hinderance to me finding someone. I would really like to find someone who specializes in OCD and is also a Christian. Thank you for all of your sound advice. You've been a blessing!
Rebecca

 

[gracealone]

HI Becca,
Glad you found this forum and that you are fast learning that you are not the only Christian that suffers in this way. The reason you suffer so much is because you care so very much about knowing Christ. Real sin and rebellion against Christ is embraced by those who do it. It is not something they fret about in the slightest.
Remember the story of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector. The Pharisee had confidence in his own goodness the tax collector could not even look up toward God but pleaded on his face..."please be merciful to me a sinner!!" Who did Jesus say was justified?
What you have is OCD that is attacking that which is most important to you. That is what it does. And what you and I and all of us OCD'ers do when this happens is we fight desperately to rid ourselves of these instrusive thoughts, images, words, statements etc. When we do this we give these thoughts a megaphone quality and they get stuck in our brain. Then because they are with us day and night we begin to believe that they are true and everything and anything will cause us to obsess about them, because we are never without them. The anxiety that we experience only makes the thoughts seem all the more true all the more valid.
I'm going to tell you something that you might not like to hear. No amount of reassurance that any of us can give you that you are indeed saved will rid you of the thoughts. In fact part of the vicious cycle of OCD is to constantly seek reassurance that the thoughts aren't true or to try and finally solve them once and for all. This only feeds the obsessional nature of the illness.
What does work is exposure/response therapy which teaches you begin to just let the thoughts be there and to ignore them not to let bully you around. You have to learn to stop giving them validity.
If I begin to argue with my religious OCD thoughts I only feel worse. If I can just let them pop into my brain and say "So WHat!! to them and just let them be there buzzing in the background without giving them the attention they are demanding it's then and only then that I begin to drive them into insignificance which is where they belong.
I'm not saying that this is easy, especially when the thoughts are about the most important thing in your life.... but it can be done and you can get well.
I'm praying for you. Fighting OCD is a paradoxical thing to not fight that which is so disturbing is what is needed. Learn all you can about exposure/response therapy.
Praying for YOU!!
Mitzi

 

[drummingman]

i also go through much suffering over the issue of my salvation. i have to pray to be saved over and over all the time because i feel like i lose my salvation all the time because of the thoughts that i think and get and because of the things that i feel like i do that i feel are sinful. the only time i get major peace from these battles is when i set up small amouts of time, like 10 minuets, where i teel God that im going to try not to pray because of the bad thoughts. but i have been battling on that to where i feel like if i set up this time period i feel like im sinning because of fear that i said that i would not set up this time period. this in tune makes me feel like God is going to punish me by taking away things that i love. i also fear that same punishment if i pray when i said that i would not, but sometimes that things going on in my head and emotions is so bad that i cant not pray. i have been able to pray a number of times when i said i would not but it seems that eventually i cross a lin and then i feel like God punishes me by taking away drums and music vecause of me praying when i said i would not.
my whole life revolves around fear. so i understand where you are coming from eventhough i situations are a little different. i too battling with feelings like i have lost my salvation and i feel like God wont forgive me for the sin that i committed and wont save me or take me back. i always get through each instance but another thought or sin or action always comes to take the place of the last problem sin or action and then im right back where i started. and this happens all day and night long untill i go to bed.
i will be praying for you becca.

 

[BeccaLynn]

Thank you all for your prayers. This forum has been something that I look to for comfort now. My mother was saved when she was 5 years old. Around the age of 11, she began having blasphemous thoughts toward God and struggled for many years thinking that she had committed the unpardonable sin. I knew she had gone through rough times emotionally from things I would hear my family say every now and again, but I never knew what kinds of things until I opened up to her in my early twenties. The thoughts began attacking me when I was 13. My mother told me she had hoped I'd never go through anything like she had. She is a devout Christian and I admire her greatly. I would have never thought she had battled like this. However, I have felt that my situation is different because she had experienced salvation, but felt so guilty because of the thoughts. I don't know how I have felt about the thougths except that they're wrong and that I was fearful for having them. I worry that I've not truly repented. Anyway, I can confide in her and she understands about the thoughts. However, she doesn't understand about my lack of peace. She said during the darkest times in her life she still had a sense of peace. I feel for you guys. I have told my husband, who doesn't understand but tries to, that this is one of the last things I would have chosen to have to go through. I'm not glad you are experienceing similar things, but I am glad that I'm not alone because then I would really think I was crazy and hopeless. Since I have been talking to my pastor friend, the blasphemous thoughts are rare, and if something strange does come to my mind, I seem to be able to just let it go. If you had told me years ago that this would be the case now I would have been amazed since they were so frequent. Drummingman, please know that there can be peace for you in this area. If it happened for me, believe me it can for you too. Even if it's not in the same way. Maybe talking with someone released some sort of anxiety that was feeding the thoughts for me. The fear over salvation though is an ever-present one. What exactly is exposure/response therapy?
Rebecca

 

[BeccaLynn]

Does anyone know what I mean when I say that I feel like an island? It's like I can look around and see people seeming to feel things I've never felt or being genuine and like they "belong", yet I seem to be kind of watching myself in a play or something. Like things aren't real. I've described it before to a friend in this way: I feel like I'm looking outside a window watching people inside fellowship, yet I'm stuck outside unable to join in. I don't always feel liike this, but often times I really do. I don't feel like a part of things or like I really belong anywhere a lot of times. Does anyone else know what I mean? Is this part of OCD?
Rebecca

 

[gracealone]

Hi again Becca,
Yes my OCD can make me feel very isolated. You go to church and feel numb and you look around and wish desperately that you could just be like everyone else. All anxiety disorders cause a sense of isolation. It's hard to focus on any other emotion other than the intense fear and anxiety and the endless obsessions. You ball up inside yourself. You just want to be free of it and free to function normally and to feel the joy of your salvation. So many times over the years I would envy, "normal" Christians. OCD makes us feel like we are the only ones in the whole world who feel the way we do. And where can we go for help?? Who could possibly understand the thoughts and the horrors that float around in our heads??
I'm sorry for your pain and your suffering, but you have to know that nearly all of us on this forum understand exactly how you feel. Even though we don't know you we know your pain.
Please know though, that you can feel better, that this too will pass.
Exposure Response therapy teaches you to learn to allow the upsetting thoughts to be in your head without your attending to them. By practicing it you habituate the brain to the thoughts in order to desensitize it to them. In doing so, over time the thoughts lose the ability to create the anxiety response. It takes time and it takes determined practice to not attend to the thoughts. But it's the best weapon to win the battle over OCD. Be sure to ask any therapist that you might see if they have experience in treating patients with it.
Blessings and heartfelt prayers for you.
Mitzi

 

[BeccaLynn]

Thanks Mitzi! I and my husband are supposed to go today to the church we've been attending and find out about being a member. I don't even want to talk to the pastor about what I deal with. He is a very compassionate and dedicated Christian and appears to live his life the way he preaches we should live from the pulpit. However, he has made the comment before that real Christians don't doubt their salvation and that you know when you're a child of God. He talks A LOT about the obvious change that should be in someone when they are saved. I honestly don't think he would understand. He would sincerely, as I do, think I need to get saved. The minister of the church my husband and I were previously members at was always willing to talk to me, but I told my husband that I really think he thought I was crazy. My husband said the man had even encouraged him to leave me. I prayed about the church where God wanted my husband, son an I to go. We visited many churches and I felt for a long time that this particular church is where God wanted us. Also, it's the only one we've attended out of many that my husband has a desire to be a part of. I finally prayed that if God desired us at this particular church, even though I was very afraid to go, to please make it obvious to me. I prayed for a church that was family-oriented and where we could be a part and not just a "number". It seemed obvious when the sermon the next day was about being a part of the church and it being a family-oriented church that God was making it clear to me it wasn't just my own thoughts telling me we should join there. I am actually terrified to go though. My husband is so put out with me. He has been so patient, but he doesn't understand and, out of frustration, has said he guesses we just need to go to a church where they don't talk about being saved. I am all knotted up inside right now and sometimes just feel sick. Nights can be really bad when I'm trying to sleep and waved of fear just sweep over me. I've thought so many times about just giving up and not even going to church or trying anymore. It seems so hopeless really. I know my husband is a man of God and God has such great plans for him, but I've felt many times like I have been sent by the devil to keep him from achieving those plans. I don't like to say that, but I do. I don't want to be like this and I've decided I need therapy, but still have no insurance to find a therapist right now. The minister at this church has also commented something like, "people don't need to go to a counselor, they need to meet with The Counselor, Jesus ". I have tried, but I think I'm just different - that something is so wrong with me. My husband said we could just talk to him, but I don't want another minister to pity me and think I'm crazy. I've sometimes felt I am. I can't seem to get work, family-life, keeping up with the cleaning, and relationships together. Everything always seems out of balance. My husband even cooks most of the meals, and I know he deserves and needs his wife. My son deserves and needs his mother. I just seem to go around in circles! I really don't know what to do.
Rebecca

 

[HeatherG]

Hi Rebecca,

Just want to let you know I can identify with a lot of things you have said. I have been absolutely convinced I was unsaved more times than I care to remember, and yes, it is like being an island, looking round at "ordinary" Christians wishing desperately that I could have their assurance.

Going back to your original post about sermons addressing the very fears you were thinking about, I know what you mean and how it would fill you with fear that it was a message from God, but I think it is easy to read too much into everything when we are fearful. If I look objectively at each sermon as an outsider, actually I don't see that any of them are condemning you. The "Know Jesus, Know peace, No Jesus No peace" is a very nice slogan, but actually where does it say that in the Bible?! I think your pastor was just trying to get across a general principle that Jesus gives us peace, not a hard and fast rule that if you are ever not at peace then you are not saved. That would automatically exclude anyone with OCD from being saved, even if it wasn't religious OCD. How about this verse: 1 John 3:20 "For if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our heart and knows all things." Doesn't that imply that the person who wrote that letter has felt condemned (but wasn't)?

The sermon about serving Him out of love and not fear, I would take as a great encouragement, not condemnation. It seems like God was agreeing with you that He wants you to be set free from the fear and be able to serve Him out of love.

And the thing about there being something wrong if you don't enjoy worship, well you know that there is something wrong - you have OCD and it is preventing you enjoying worship. It has nothing to do with being saved or not saved. It just means that, as you know, you are feeling far from God at the moment because of your OCD, and it needs to be dealt with.

As has been said many times on this forum, you have an OCD problem, not a problem with God. But the fear that the OCD causes has made you afraid to approach God in case He rejects you. We have all been there on this forum.

It's a shame that you don't have insurance for ERT therapy, but there are other things that can also help, like books. I recommend Brainlock by Jeffrey Schwartz. The main thing, as others have said is to just let any thoughts or fears of being unsaved just sweep over you and don't engage with them, hard as it may be. Just trust in God's grace. None of us could ever deserve to be saved anyway so stop trying to think that anything you do would affect your salvation. God has also graciously led me through this path and into a place of peace and hope that I never thought I would see. It took a long time, but then I also never had therapy (well, only about 3 sessions) and I didn't find this forum till I had recovered. There is hope, and I'm sure God has led you to this forum as a way of leading you back into a place where you feel comfortable with Him. There is no need to keep praying prayers of salvation because He heard you the first time.

I will pray for you.

Heather

 

[unpardoned1]

I know exactly how you feel. My ocd is awful lately. I've had the same types of things happen that you are talking about. I too feel that I'm not a Christian, I have no peace, I don't find myself enthusiastic about God or Church or anything religious, I know I'm a sinner, I believe Jesus is the only way, I've asked him to be my savior, but I really don't have a true change. The wineskin thing kind of freaked me out because I never knew the meaning either until you told me. Why don't I have a desire, whats wrong with me. My ocd and God are very much related and I always feel he's out to get me so to speak. Maybe thats why I don't have the love I should? I'm really nervous about it. I know whats right and wrong, but often I choose wrong. When I do something even remotly Godly or somthing, I think I'm just doing it out of fear.

I feel so screwed up from my ocd that I don't know if I can ever have a real relationship with God or Jesus or if I'm just always going to be fearful and do rituals and see God as the "All mighty smiter" as Jim Carrey put it in the movie, Bruce almighty. (you can find it on youtube under the key words) Or that line when he says that "God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in 5 minutes if he wanted to, but no, he would rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm. " I laughed out of pain when I heard that line in the movie because thats how I feel much of the time. Its really sad, I know, but when you have ocd and you know that God could fix you but doesn't and somtimes you just feel so alone and hopless and you don't know why nothing changes and you have to go through this stuff you just start thinking like that. I know in my heart that its not true, but the sick thing is I actually said the thing about the ant with the magnifying glass before the movie was ever made. My husband laughed when he heard it because he knew it was me and remembers me making that statement. He knows thats how I feel and even though its not funny, its like I felt like God understood how I felt at that second. God has a sense of humor maybe he was laughing w/ me.

I know I do things to distance myself from God, but is there really any hope for me? I never feel like I have the "right" relationship with God, I keep falling away and going months without reading his word and praying sincerely, just ritualisticly. I don't remember being saved for the first time and all the millions of other times I asked him to be my savior I wonder how sincere they were too. Can you relate OP or anyone else?

 

[BeccaLynn]

I definitely know all too well what you mean and I've desperately wanted to be different. I don't want to deal with this, but I've felt so much like I was destined to have to or something. I surely don't want to say anything that would cause you to feel more condemned. It is such a horrible feeling, and I've gone from being angry at God to feeling fearful and trying to read the Bible to kind of "show" God that I'm trying, to not feeling anything. Then the viscious cycle starts all over again. It is hard to feel as if you love God when you are so afraid of Him. Yet I want to love Him. Although I have mentioned things that scare me that seem to prove my personal fears about being lost, yet I have not mentioned the times that God has seemed to calm me. For example, one day I was telling Him that I felt like I was in a deep ocean and the waters were covering me. I immediately opened my Bible (Word of Life Bible I think) and came upon the verses Romans 8:37-39. It talked about the love of God, and in no other Bible have I read it written like this, but it said something like, "no matter where we are, in the highest sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing will ever separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Another time I was in church and I told God that I was going to praise Him whether I was saved or not. As I was praying, the words El Shaddai kept coming to my mind. I have heard that before, but the words just came to my mind for some reason. I told God that the words El Shaddai were coming to my mind, but that I didn't even know what they meant. The minister was a guest speaker and in his sermon he said that he saw a car that morning that had a tag which said, "El Shaddai". He continued to say that it meant "the God who is more than enough". I can't give any "miracle" advice, but I do know what you are going through and I know that God does too. Sometimes I have to look back and hold on to times God has shown that He's heard me. Maybe all of the people on this sight who encourage us is also a way God is revealing Himself to us, but our fears just keep us from seeing that. There has got to be hope for us. As long as we have breath, there has got to be hope. Please know you're not alone. I feel for you and if/when I make progress, I'll confide in you since we seem to be in a similar place.
Rebecca

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi everyone, I, too, just wanted to say that I know how you feel. It seems my problem lately is not "feeling" like I'm a Christian, like I should always be thinking about God and constantly praising him, but when I try to "feel" like a Christian, I don't feel anything. Classic OCD - it loves to do this with my other obsessions, too. Before OCD started focusing on my faith and beliefs, I never once thought about how Christian I "felt," because it was just something I knew and did and had a lot of joy from. Now I feel horrible and sad, that I can't get the right feelings when I worship God, as my OCD loves to torment me during those times and tell me I don't really believe in God.

AND YET, whenever I ask God to "touch my mind," (as in, give me relief from the thoughts), He always does. He always gives me the relief I ask for. He always answers my prayers (while OCD likes to tell me it's just coincidence...).

BeccaLynn, even as someone whose OCD does not focus solely on my salvation, the church you are thinking about joining does cause me to raise my eyebrows. I fully believe God answers our prayers by sending us people like therapists and counselors to help with our problems in life. On another OCD forum I frequent, someone once asked why God didn't just heal them from OCD, and another person responded that God did send ways - through medication, through therapy for OCD. I never thought of that way, because I, too, often asked over and over again why God chose to allow me to have this affliction and wasn't healing me from it.

I will tell you this: Recently I have been praying that God would send me someone to help me with my OCD, a Christian who can help me heal and overcome this. There's just been this faith and this belief that God will do this for me, but I have already seen it happen by even finding this forum and reading about other people who experience the same thing.

I really miss loving God with my whole heart and having no doubts. I miss just KNOWING that he was there, He exists, and that I believe in him, without any doubts. But maybe what God really wants of me is a real, true relationship, and not the one that I admittedly had been doing out of just growing up in a Christian home. Maybe part of overcoming my OCD is learning to trust God, even when I have doubts that He's even there.

I pray for faith, even when it feels like I have none. And I continue to pray, even when my OCD is screaming at me that I don't really believe. I'm praying for you all, as well.

 

[OptimisticSmile]

totally. some of it is bad theology. I used to believe that at salvation there had to be some huge emotional event and feeling. All i felt was I am a sinner, I need a savior, and that savior is Jesus. Ive come to realize ive misunderstood so many verses that Ive used to condemn myself. Alot of it was naivity because it all started as a teen and i wouold think that if I was ever depressed or dissatisfied with life then i must not be saved. as a result I lived in denial that I was depressed. I also had shyness and social anxiety issues and i was like God take these away and nothing. It happned in his timing.

 

[OptimisticSmile]

Im guessing that like me you have grown up in church. I think as a kid if I heard it Id become scared of it i.e. spontaneous human combustion, aliens etc. the same thing happened with the bible, i here something and Id think what if and suffer . I remeber going to my mom cryiong one morning because I had heard about taking communion unworthily.

im not sure if i was saved at age 6 or later because christianity jhas been in my life as long as i can remember. My parents were saved as children and never had an issue with doubt and so growing up they were really the only ones i talked to besides pastors and so i figured if they never jhad an issue then i shouldnt but because i did i was not saved so i thought. Id look around and so many people that grew up in church and were saved as children had their spiritual life take off with no looking back.


one thing my pastor told me that has really helped me is that hapiness and peace are not garunteed to be a part of a believers life on earth though everyone says they are. I think christians focus so much on joy and hapiness that they are not honest all the time about struggles and or scared to admit struggles. I try to view my spiritual walk as in stages and there could be a doubt stage that God has some plan to use that we may not understand. One of my best christian freinds told me about his experience doubt for a really long time and that has really encouraged me. reminds me of 2 corinthians ch. 1. my pastor was telling me to trust God and i realize now that means trust God in whatever season he gives me currently even if its doubt. God could zapp us all and give us something irrefutable that we would never have to doubt again but perhaps God has us here doubting for a reason. He thinks long term while we look at the present. I know it seems like a way of life. for me it was until 2 years ago when my spiritual life really took off, it was so awsome in that time but now im back again and hopefully God is bringing me back out again.