Lowest point of my life...

[bluestormz]

The last 3 weeks have been an OCD nightmare for me....I'm sharing all this because I have been a mess for 8 years, but it was manageable with the drugs until 2 years ago. The body becomes immune or resistant to the dose of the drugs, so they want to have you take a higher dose. In turn, you're being chemically changed and not really being your true self in a sense.

I'm from Pittsburgh, PA. I have very bad OCD and it's a pretty long story...but to summarize it:

I used to be a deeply religious person, and I actually controlled my OCD at one point. I have a mental breakdown because I had the thought that "there is no God" one day and it freaked me out.

I spent several days in my bed and didn't know what to do with myself. I eventually saw several psychologist/psychiatrists and tried different medications.

From that point on I eventually just became dependent on Prozac and went along all these years to get married to my wife, she is not very religious so I guess in a way that didn't help. But regardless, we got married.

The OCD was managed to a point, I still was washing my hands 50 times a day at least, I was not truely at a level where it was managed at a close to "normal" level.

So the last 3 weeks I've just hit traps where I avoided stepping in certain areas, watching certain TV shows, because they all were triggers for me.
Last night, I drank a Sierra Mist. Now a can of pop shouldn't hurt anyone right?

The problem was the waitress was an older woman and lied to me when I asked if she had Sprite. I only will drink Coke products if I feel like having soda. She must just figure they are similar drinks and said ok to me.
So about halfway through dinner I realized she lied when she asked if I wanted a refill. Now why this is a big deal is because the parent company who makes that drink had a commercial that involved memory a few years back. I won't type the word but I am extremely paranoid about memory.

So to wrap it up, I'm basically very depressed, I don't really know if God is going to get me through this and I've thought about killing myself.

I don't see any therapists currently, because my health insurance ran out before I had my new job.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Sorry you have reached this level. Most of us here have found ourselves in some dark holes before, but eventually things begin to change again. Please don't give up. I don't know if there are any resources in your community you could get help on a sliding scale etc. I think you should try. If you go to church at all, and sounds like you don't now, I would try counseling with your pastor or priest. Or try to find a church which offers counseling to the public. Many of the larger ones do. You might also call social services in your city or the social work dept of a local hospital and ask about resources.

Just don't give up, bluestorm. Continue to battle your OCD! Prayng for you~~~

 

[BeccaLynn]

Please don't do anything to harm yourself. My mother tried that because she felt so hopeless. As long as you are alive, there is hope. Once life if over, there is no going back. Often times, our deepest and darkest days can feel as if they'll never end, but that's not true. The devil knows how to put thoughts like that into our heads at just the right time, but he is a liar and the father of ALL lies. Just like he lied to Eve and made it sound so convincing, he is slick and can convince us that we are completely without hope.

Even though I struggle a lot, I know that there is a real God who genuinely loves us. He loves you more than you can possibly fathom. He also wants you to reach out and be able to receive the help you need. My husband and I don't have insurance either. I understand your situation there. But, please try to find someone who understands more about OCD who will talk with you. Some people who have counseled me have actually not understood, but when you get someone who is compassionate and truly understands, it makes so much difference and can help you see things in ways you were blinded to before due to the ocd.

Don't give up. You're not alone, even though it feels that way. You're in my prayers.

 

[dabro]

Relax pls. I have gone thru alot myself and I have also just gotten out of the psychward to get better treated. I would suggest changing up the med combo that will help you. See where going to go thru this the reat of our lives so we might as well accept it.

 

[OCD=Owie]

The symptoms you described sounds a lot like a symptom that I used to have really bad. Remember though, if you have asked Jesus into your life and asked Him to forgive you of your sins, then you're saved. It's okay to have doubts. In fact, many Christians, myself included, have them from time to time. Keep in mind that doubts are not the same as unbelief.

 

[bluestormz]

The fear and things that haunt me are torture, you uys can understand but I still feel defeated. I can't be strong if my faith is weak. Meds are just patch work, they don't cure or fix anything. I was on prozac for 8 years....it just made it somewhat tolerable. When I had a strong faith, I wasn't so bad. But having a breakdown can change your mind chemically. That's what happend, the anxiety / adrenaline rush is so powerful.

 

[OCD=Owie]

I'm sorry that you feel so helpless, but just because you do have different chemicals running in your brain doesn't mean you're doomed to some kind of unstoppable force of nature. Many people have overcome this before, and there's no reason that you can't as well. In fact, I read in an interesting book on OCD that people who went through successful therapy actually changed their brain chemistry.

The way I understand it, brain chemistry isn't some unstoppable influence that we cannot resist, it's a reflection of our general mental and emotional state. It's something that changes as our mood and/or thoughts change.

You can beat this. I know that it might not feel like it, but you can beat this.

 

[bluestormz]

Thanks for the words of motivation, What book was it?

 

[kaykay9.0]

I think I read the same book and I think it was called Brain Lock.

 

[OCD=Owie]

I think I read the same book and I think it was called Brain Lock.

That's it alright. If I'm not mistaken, it was written by one of the first people to extensively study OCD.

 

[babegirl111]

Awww honey i know what its like. I think that many of us have thought about suicide. Its very tough, believe me I know. You just have to remain strong because this is just a storm, and like all storms...this one will pass. I love you and praying for you

 

[bluestormz]

Thanks.

 

[bluestormz]

Things have gotten worst, just as an update. Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me for doubting at times. I just want God's peace again, I may have to see someone and take drugs again. I really hate taking drugs..

 

[CrossPilgrim]

Heya. Please consider the following before you take any meds...

Listen, I was in the same boat as you were. I considered myself highly religious, so much so my conscience was like a rat trap prone to snap. I suffered when I first fell to the unwanted thoughts, and after believing I had denied God, I entered a stage of depression and derealization that lasted months. My faith withered and I thought there was no hope. I also thought God was beating me down and that hurt my relationship with Him a lot.

But God remained faithful and saved me. In fact, I heard a pastor reading this verse today. Being out of the storm's core, I wondered why, but now I know. It was for you, my friend.

If we believe not, yet he stays faithful: he cannot deny himself 2 Timothy 2:13

He remains faithful to His nature. God is your strength when we waver. He loves you and wouldn't wail on you for doubting due to OCD. Remember what Jesus said to Peter, a disciple that had seen and had miracles done through him, when he doubted:

He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. Matthew 8:26

No doubt Jesus is saying the same to you tonight. Don't be afraid. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. God loves you, even when you doubt. He knows what you (and we) are going through, and He knows we are weak.

For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Psalm 103:14 (NLT)

Once having accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you are His, and no disorder or devil will separate His Love from you.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39


Now, please consider what I'm about to say. As I said, I was too once deeply "religious." Now get this, God doesn't want religious followers. He wants people who believe that THE BLOOD OF JESUS IS ENOUGH. This is the source of a Christian's peace. That despite our failures, so long as we remain in Christ, we shall be saved.

In my experience, I saw that God was (and still is) taking me out of my dependence on my own deeds and helping me rely completely on the precious sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ. Should you, as I once did, say you've sinned too much and now He's punishing you. Remember, our God rejoices in taking away our sins. Take into account what Paul himself had to say on this...

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst. 1 Timothy 1:15


All of this to say, now's the time to put your full trust in Jesus. You have exhausted meds and they have left you worse off than before. All you ever had to do is get on bended knee and cry out to Jesus, for all who cry upon the name of the Lord WILL be saved. You're broken? Desperate? Exhausted? Jesus says...

Come to me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Go. Run to your Father. He's waiting for you. He hasn't left you nor forsaken you. He hasn't left you an orphan. Even now He calls and draws you in with cords of love. Muster up what faith you have. Only a mustard seed is needed. You've gone astray and let your faith wither as I had. But don't you know our Good Shepard left the 99 to find the one? You are the one. He'll welcome you back like the prodigal, give you a new robe, a ring on your finger and a new measure of faith in your heart. Approach His throne of grace with confidence as a child of God. Don't delay; today may be your day.

I will pray for you. Please, don't wait too long to go before our Heavenly Father. He WILL strengthen you. Your battles may not end, but they will get better. Remember, faith is about the long-haul, not the short trip.

God Bless you, Blue.

Sincerely, Jon.

These things I have spoken to you, that in me you might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. - Jesus (John 16:33)