- Jul 29, 2010
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Hi. This is probably one of my first threads on this particular sub-forum, so I would like to preface it with a little bit of information about myself.
I just turned 20 on the twenty fourth of last month, and I'm in my third year of college. I'm doing decently in all of my courses (no grades below a B my entire time here), I'm involved in a lot of different extracurricular clubs including a school team for debate, I have a fairly wide circle of friends, and it's not tremendously obvious to most people that I'm anything other than a really happy, somewhat eccentric person who really enjoys the company of others. I work out often and I'm a healthy weight after losing around sixty pounds a few years ago. The only thing physically 'off' about me is my height, which is about 5'4. Other than that, I'm a smart, funny guy with a lot of friends who's on the fast track to a job working with a master's degree in public administration.
Intellectually, I know this. I'm not trying to brag about anything or put up a front. This is how, I'm reasonably sure, the world outside sees me, except for those very close to me or those who have seen me doing something really unusual. In my own mind, though, I look terrible, I act stupid, and I'm probably not going to get much accomplished with my life because something's going to go wrong and I'm not going to be able to get into the grad program here either because I've messed up horribly in one of my classes, or because something horrible and outside of my control has happened to me.
I am pretty well in control of my Asperger's syndrome now, but when I was younger, I really wasn't. I had frequent meltdowns, and when I was in middle school and very early in high school, I was that strange kid who everyone picked on and who cried all the time. I was also massively overweight because of unusual eating habits and a serious lack of exercise. I made things up about myself that were obviously just me coming up with garbage. Basically, everything that could have been wrong with me was. Somewhere deep down inside, I'm stuck with an image of myself at that point in time.
I was wondering if any of you know how to move past something like this. Even though I'm able to maintain healthy friendships now, I used to have a hard time even talking to other people, and even now I probably wouldn't be able to ask someone if they were interested in a romantic relationship, which bothers me probably more than anything else in my life right now (it really doesn't help that I wouldn't have any idea whether they were or not without asking, and I would be likely to assume the worst). I know consciously that I'm not the person who I was then and that I won't be again, but at the same time, I still have fears and anxieties left over from that, and an idea that's buried deep down in my subconscious that things will never improve and that the worst will always happen.
Sorry for bothering anyone. If it helps, I'm normally a pleasant person, and I don't have any major mental distress in my day-to-day life. This just makes it really difficult for me to form the type of relationship that I want with others because I'm stuck with a subconscious concept of myself as someone who can't.
I just turned 20 on the twenty fourth of last month, and I'm in my third year of college. I'm doing decently in all of my courses (no grades below a B my entire time here), I'm involved in a lot of different extracurricular clubs including a school team for debate, I have a fairly wide circle of friends, and it's not tremendously obvious to most people that I'm anything other than a really happy, somewhat eccentric person who really enjoys the company of others. I work out often and I'm a healthy weight after losing around sixty pounds a few years ago. The only thing physically 'off' about me is my height, which is about 5'4. Other than that, I'm a smart, funny guy with a lot of friends who's on the fast track to a job working with a master's degree in public administration.
Intellectually, I know this. I'm not trying to brag about anything or put up a front. This is how, I'm reasonably sure, the world outside sees me, except for those very close to me or those who have seen me doing something really unusual. In my own mind, though, I look terrible, I act stupid, and I'm probably not going to get much accomplished with my life because something's going to go wrong and I'm not going to be able to get into the grad program here either because I've messed up horribly in one of my classes, or because something horrible and outside of my control has happened to me.
I am pretty well in control of my Asperger's syndrome now, but when I was younger, I really wasn't. I had frequent meltdowns, and when I was in middle school and very early in high school, I was that strange kid who everyone picked on and who cried all the time. I was also massively overweight because of unusual eating habits and a serious lack of exercise. I made things up about myself that were obviously just me coming up with garbage. Basically, everything that could have been wrong with me was. Somewhere deep down inside, I'm stuck with an image of myself at that point in time.
I was wondering if any of you know how to move past something like this. Even though I'm able to maintain healthy friendships now, I used to have a hard time even talking to other people, and even now I probably wouldn't be able to ask someone if they were interested in a romantic relationship, which bothers me probably more than anything else in my life right now (it really doesn't help that I wouldn't have any idea whether they were or not without asking, and I would be likely to assume the worst). I know consciously that I'm not the person who I was then and that I won't be again, but at the same time, I still have fears and anxieties left over from that, and an idea that's buried deep down in my subconscious that things will never improve and that the worst will always happen.
Sorry for bothering anyone. If it helps, I'm normally a pleasant person, and I don't have any major mental distress in my day-to-day life. This just makes it really difficult for me to form the type of relationship that I want with others because I'm stuck with a subconscious concept of myself as someone who can't.
