Love your enemies

[dayhiker]

So last night I'm listening to Christian TV. Dr. Doug is being interviewed about relationships and marriage. From what he says he had a great track record of helping people.

One guys asked about how he was to treat an exGF. It wasn't clear if they had been married or not, or if they had kids together. It was clear that the guy wants to learn how to be a good friend to this ex.

The advice was if she was just a exGF, no kids between them, that he was to dump her, get away from her and have no contact with her. If they had kids then have the contact needed to raise their kids but no contact beyond that! He gave no reasons for what this was his advice.

Well, God says to love our enemies, but apparently we are not love our EXes. My EXwife wanted almost not contact. If that is what she wants that is fine. My ex GF G didn't want me to any contact with my previous GF S. So I told S I couldn't have any contact with her. This hurt me as deeply as I've been hurt by any situation in my life. So I said to myself, I'd never do that again. If a woman asks me to stop contact with someone, then it will be her that I drop. I'll never again shun a current friend to get a new friend, even it its a GF I am very attracted to.

So I did that with G when I broke up with her. I said I wanted to be stay a friend with her. Over the last 2 yrs we have meet quite a few times and had two vacations together. No sex. Just really good friends. Its been one of the good things I've learned to do in my life.

That answer I wasn't impressed with from Dr. Doug.
You are welcome to share you thoughts.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I don't agree with Dr. Doug either. I was on the other end of being de-friended years ago. I had a friend named Louie and he and I were never anything BUT friends. We would talk on the phone and hang out sometimes, but then he got this girlfriend and she told him he couldn't be friends with me anymore so he cut the friendship. I didn't think that was right or fair because she never even bothered to meet me or get to know me and I was NEVER interested in Louie as anything BUT a friend.

To me when people want you to give up friendships it seems like it's because THEY have some sort of insecurity or previous past issue with it that involved other people and they want you to pay the price.

In light of my recent Pastor scandal, I have been thinking about this somewhat. If someone is married, I don't think they should have friendships with single people of the opposite sex unless it is together with their spouse. IOW, I have married friends and we get together, but I think it would be inappropriate for me to be getting together with just the husband alone. Or have private telephone conversations. Even though I could totally have a platonic relationship and control myself, I would never cross the line and have an affair ever! it wouldn't be right.

I am not married, so I should be able to have friendships with other single men (and women of course). And even if I had a BF, I should still be able to have these friendships. Even when I get married, I should still be able to have these friendships, but at that point, IMO, I would no longer be doing things with these men, without my husband present because I would respect our relationship (mine and my husband's) and not put myself in positions that might even look inappropriate. BUT I would not sever the relationship, unless they were trying to be inappropriate with me after I am married.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

So last night I'm listening to Christian TV. Dr. Doug is being interviewed about relationships and marriage. From what he says he had a great track record of helping people.

One guys asked about how he was to treat an exGF. It wasn't clear if they had been married or not, or if they had kids together. It was clear that the guy wants to learn how to be a good friend to this ex.

The advice was if she was just a exGF, no kids between them, that he was to dump her, get away from her and have no contact with her. If they had kids then have the contact needed to raise their kids but no contact beyond that! He gave no reasons for what this was his advice.

Well, God says to love our enemies, but apparently we are not love our EXes. My EXwife wanted almost not contact. If that is what she wants that is fine. My ex GF G didn't want me to any contact with my previous GF S. So I told S I couldn't have any contact with her. This hurt me as deeply as I've been hurt by any situation in my life. So I said to myself, I'd never do that again. If a woman asks me to stop contact with someone, then it will be her that I drop. I'll never again shun a current friend to get a new friend, even it its a GF I am very attracted to.

So I did that with G when I broke up with her. I said I wanted to be stay a friend with her. Over the last 2 yrs we have meet quite a few times and had two vacations together. No sex. Just really good friends. Its been one of the good things I've learned to do in my life.

That answer I wasn't impressed with from Dr. Doug.
You are welcome to share you thoughts.

Two issues here that I see ---

1. We are to love our enemies as much as it depends on us , but, we are also called to be as wise as serpents and gentle as doves ... in other words, fully mature and discerning....as to HOW we proceed with our enemies . God doesn't expect us to put our head on the chopping block time and time again if its going to result in large chunks getting knocked out of us. We have to love our enemies from a distance sometimes so we don't get continually abused by them . Its a fine line between loving our enemies sometimes and protecting our vulnerability for God doesn't expect his Followers to suffer needless harm .

2. As to the request of your new G/F not wanting you to have contact with your old G/F's ..... I think it is somewhat of a valid concern since great intimacy has probably occurred in the past between them and yourself. The last thing that would be proper, would be for you to run to a past G/F everytime your current G/F rubs you up the wrong way ; instead, you are to work out your differences between the two of you. Futher, would YOU be okay if your current G/F maintained close contact with a few of her previous intimately-based B/F's ? I see nothing wrong with explaining to your previous G/F's that you are now in a new committed relationship with someone and she is having a hard time still being close to you ... so out of respect for her and to have integrity....I shall have to discontinue my contact with you until such time that it becomes appropriate once again. Question : If you remarried, would you not honor your wife by discontinuing contact with your previous G/F's ? If the answer is 'Yes' ...then why not with someone whom you are pledging faithfulness and intregity toward ?

The deal is this : When you are in a committed trusting relationship with someone, you should do virtually everything in your power to provide a safe, trusting, loyal, relationship to be had...and if that doesn't happen, you can count of a lot of insecurities arising and strife. Now...it is a little different if you are being asked to forfeit ALL your prior platonic friends who are female --- I would object to that strongly ..and I would make it a point of your current G/F meeting these platonic female friends to put her at ease and even to establish new friendships for your current G/F. That would be the careful and concerned approach to take.

Responses ???

 

[dayhiker]

1. I basically agree with you here. I do also believe with Ghandi and Martin Luther King that there is a non violent protest in an open society that can bring the conscious of the people to support the persecuted. Not an easy road and not a quick road.

2. Actually I have no problem with my current GFs having other BFs. 2 of them do and another one did for several months. She was closer to him that we are. Which made sense to me because they had things in common that I don't have with her. But things have changed in his life.
At the time I did explain to my new GF that I wanted to stay friends with my previous GF. She would have none of that.
Well, I'd not be asking a GF to marry me if she wanted me to cut off contact with past Gfs because we would never become BF/GF. So that would be a none issue.
I always honor and respect my GFs. We talk about everything and know what each other is doing. We support what the other wants to accomplish in their lives. Some have meet, but as they are spread out from FL to Canada it isn't easy for them to meet and be friends.

Two issues here that I see ---

1. We are to love our enemies as much as it depends on us , but, we are also called to be as wise as serpents and gentle as doves ... in other words, fully mature and discerning....as to HOW we proceed with our enemies . God doesn't expect us to put our head on the chopping block time and time again if its going to result in large chunks getting knocked out of us. We have to love our enemies from a distance sometimes so we don't get continually abused by them . Its a fine line between loving our enemies sometimes and protecting our vulnerability for God doesn't expect his Followers to suffer needless harm .

2. As to the request of your new G/F not wanting you to have contact with your old G/F's ..... I think it is somewhat of a valid concern since great intimacy has probably occurred in the past between them and yourself. The last thing that would be proper, would be for you to run to a past G/F everytime your current G/F rubs you up the wrong way ; instead, you are to work out your differences between the two of you. Futher, would YOU be okay if your current G/F maintained close contact with a few of her previous intimately-based B/F's ? I see nothing wrong with explaining to your previous G/F's that you are now in a new committed relationship with someone and she is having a hard time still being close to you ... so out of respect for her and to have integrity....I shall have to discontinue my contact with you until such time that it becomes appropriate once again. Question : If you remarried, would you not honor your wife by discontinuing contact with your previous G/F's ? If the answer is 'Yes' ...then why not with someone whom you are pledging faithfulness and intregity toward ?

The deal is this : When you are in a committed trusting relationship with someone, you should do virtually everything in your power to provide a safe, trusting, loyal, relationship to be had...and if that doesn't happen, you can count of a lot of insecurities arising and strife. Now...it is a little different if you are being asked to forfeit ALL your prior platonic friends who are female --- I would object to that strongly ..and I would make it a point of your current G/F meeting these platonic female friends to put her at ease and even to establish new friendships for your current G/F. That would be the careful and concerned approach to take.

Responses ???

 

[Willie T]

We DO get into a lot of rationalizations, don't we?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

We DO get into a lot of rationalizations, don't we?

What do you mean by that?

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

1. I basically agree with you here. I do also believe with Ghandi and Martin Luther King that there is a non violent protest in an open society that can bring the conscious of the people to support the persecuted. Not an easy road and not a quick road.

2. Actually I have no problem with my current GFs having other BFs. 2 of them do and another one did for several months. She was closer to him that we are. Which made sense to me because they had things in common that I don't have with her. But things have changed in his life.
At the time I did explain to my new GF that I wanted to stay friends with my previous GF. She would have none of that.
Well, I'd not be asking a GF to marry me if she wanted me to cut off contact with past Gfs because we would never become BF/GF. So that would be a none issue.
I always honor and respect my GFs. We talk about everything and know what each other is doing. We support what the other wants to accomplish in their lives. Some have meet, but as they are spread out from FL to Canada it isn't easy for them to meet and be friends.

If you always honor and respect your GF's and how they feel, then, how do you explain that you told your current GF that you 'wouldn't have any of that ' ? That's not being very sensitive to her deepest feelings on the matter now is it ? You don't really think that you and your current GF are going to be an item for very long , do you ? My guess is that such resentment will build up in her, that she will want out of the relationship before long and especially as you share with her what you and your EX's have been discussing on the phone...unless she is a wimpy and desperate woman needing a man in which case she'll stick around but become a compulsive whiner .

 

[Willie T]

What do you mean by that?

Oh.... both ways. Just read slowly back over the posts here. We all have a tendency of looking at things so that we get what we want (need?) out of a situation.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Oh.... both ways. Just read slowly back over the posts here. We all have a tendency of looking at things so that we get what we want (need?) out of a situation.

Correct indeed. And as part of the depravity of man, man is willing to run rough-shod over someone and justifying it with excuses so he can have the WHOLE Enchalada .

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

If you always honor and respect your GF's and how they feel, then, how do you explain that you told your current GF that you 'wouldn't have any of that ' ? That's not being very sensitive to her deepest feelings on the matter now is it ? You don't really think that you and your current GF are going to be an item for very long , do you ? My guess is that such resentment will build up in her, that she will want out of the relationship before long and especially as you share with her what you and your EX's have been discussing on the phone...unless she is a wimpy and desperate woman needing a man in which case she'll stick around but become a compulsive whiner .

please re-read his post. He said SHE would have none of that and he DID end his friendship for her and said it really hurt him and he would not do that again with any current gfs.

 

[dayhiker]

Thanks Michelle for correcting the misread.

My current GFs were all informed of my relationships at the start. So its their choice to continue into a relationship with me. Not one of my GFs are anything like you thought "unless she is a wimpy and desperate woman needing a man in which case she'll stick around but become a compulsive whiner." They all speak their mind and let me know exactly what they are feeling and thinking. I also speak what is on my mind. As the saying goes we all ask for 100% of what we want and then talk to find what we can agree on.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Thanks Michelle for correcting the misread.

My current GFs were all informed of my relationships at the start. So its their choice to continue into a relationship with me. Not one of my GFs are anything like you thought "unless she is a wimpy and desperate woman needing a man in which case she'll stick around but become a compulsive whiner." They all speak their mind and let me know exactly what they are feeling and thinking. I also speak what is on my mind. As the saying goes we all ask for 100% of what we want and then talk to find what we can agree on.

Current G/F's (plural) ? Are these dedicated commited type G/F's all at the same time ? If so, how do you make that work ? Or...do you only have ONE monogamous Relationship at a time ? Can u clear that up for us ? Thanks.

 

[dayhiker]

Yes, I have 3 GFs at the moment. They all know about each other and what is happening. 2 of them are at some distance so I can only see them every few weeks. Well, one is in FL so I may not see her till she gets back in the spring. The other is close by and she is very busy with her life so usually only has time to get together every 2 weeks.

 

[Willie T]

Yes, I have 3 GFs at the moment. They all know about each other and what is happening. 2 of them are at some distance so I can only see them every few weeks. Well, one is in FL so I may not see her till she gets back in the spring. The other is close by and she is very busy with her life so usually only has time to get together every 2 weeks.

So (using the teen-age term) you really don't have any "girlfriends", you just occasionally go on dates with several women?

If that's how it is, none of them should even be expecting any sort of special or unusual relationship. Right?

 

[blackribbon]

So (using the teen-age term) "girlfriends",

What is the "grown-up" term for someone you are seeing romantically? And does every person you "date" really have to be a serious relationship that is aimed at a long-term relationship? Dayhiker makes it clear that he isn't looking for marriage.

 

[exitstageright]

Yes, I have 3 GFs at the moment. They all know about each other and what is happening. 2 of them are at some distance so I can only see them every few weeks. Well, one is in FL so I may not see her till she gets back in the spring. The other is close by and she is very busy with her life so usually only has time to get together every 2 weeks.

Well,Dayhiker,that reminds me of that song byThe Eagles,"Take It Easy"

Well, I'm running down the road
tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on
my mind,
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she's a friend of mine
Take It easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
drive you crazy

Now,the answer to the question,"Were the heck has Exit been?"

Since I moved on Christmas Eve,with my performaces and moving,it was hard to get in contact with anyone. For about 18 days since 12/24/13,I have had no phone,internet,or cable service. Comcast was to put in my service on 1/4/14.The tech said that he could not find a signal. Yet,my neigbor( in the same building as I) said that he has....Comcast. AT& T messed up my e-mail service.I could not get any e-mails,which caused me to miss my Cast Party on 1/6/14. I thought to myself,"Man!,by me being in the Medical Profession,if I did my job,the same way that these clowns do their jobs,YIKES!

Well,as you can see,I am back on line now.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Yes, I have 3 GFs at the moment. They all know about each other and what is happening. 2 of them are at some distance so I can only see them every few weeks. Well, one is in FL so I may not see her till she gets back in the spring. The other is close by and she is very busy with her life so usually only has time to get together every 2 weeks.

Then, can I surmise that you have no special commitment to any of the 3 other than to be their good friend ? Don't know if id term them G/F's since that term seems to indicate a monogamous commitment . Do they all know about one another ? If so, any jealousy ? Finally, how intimate are you with each ?

 

[dayhiker]

Exit .. that does sound kinda messed up that it took that long for them to get you set up with a connection. Glad things are getting back on tract for you. Will be good to see your posts again.

 

[dayhiker]

I would say we have all talked about what commitment we can make to each other. While B (16 yrs ago her husband dies and she had no dates till me) has said she would like to marry me. There is no way I could handle being married to her. She is way to talkative and intense for me to marry. She came after me and I told her I didn't want a long distance relationship and I couldn't give her everything she wanted. But she said she still wanted to see me even tho its an 1.5 hr plane flight. Well, I've given her a lot more than I told her I could. But she still gets jealous. So we talk about it.
S I have meet with every 2 weeks since last Feb. She doesn't get jealous. C is in FL and doesn't get jealous. We are likely to go 6 months without seeing each other as the flight is more costly than either of us are willing to pay.
Yes, they all knew about each other from day one.
How intimate? as intimate as people get.

Then, can I surmise that you have no special commitment to any of the 3 other than to be their good friend ? Don't know if id term them G/F's since that term seems to indicate a monogamous commitment . Do they all know about one another ? If so, any jealousy ? Finally, how intimate are you with each ?