Love and Obligation

[Stanfi]

Everyone has a need to be loved and feel loved, but how do you experience love if you have always done things out of a sense of obligation? Let me give an example. Many times you do things for your family because you love them, but instead you do things to help them, because you have been taught to do so, you are obligated to.

If you have been taught this, that do things for people because it what you are supposed to do, and not as a act of love. Then how do you ever get the mindset changed?

Does anyone understand what I am refering to?

 

[Rafael]

Actually, love based on action is better than just feelings. Feelings are fickle and closely tied to the flesh, whereas, the love that is an act, and not just lip-service or feeling, can easily be shallow and deceitful. Yes, we can easily be fooled by our feelings. Having a sense of faithfulness and obligation is something God wants us to grow into, having self-control over emotions that can lead us astray.
Here is a verse about true love:

I JOHN 3:16-19 (LIV) This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and TRUTH. This then is how we KNOW that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us.

Agape love, God's love, is much different than philios (brotherly love) or eros (selfish or erotic love), and the feeling love we have is more natural than the Agape love which includes the other two but goes much deeper in its giving.
Loving our neighbor as we love ourselves has much to do with how we love ourselves in taking care of our bodies - feeding ourselves and clothing ourselves, as the Bible tells us that no man hates his own flesh, but nourishes it. When loving our neighbors as ourselves, we are making sure that they have the basic practical love that Jesus asks about when He returns - "did you feed me when I was hungry or clothe me when I was naked? Did you visit me when sick or give me shelter when I was a stranger?"
Does that make sense? It is practical, but I think it is missed many times for its simplicity.

Matt. 22:39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Ephesians 5:29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

Luke 9:23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
24 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

Matt. 25:31 ¶ When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

 

[Yitzchak]

I am familiar with what you are talking about. i think one issue which relates is your sense of identity. Where you end and someone else begins. psychologists call it being emeshed with someone else when those boundaries are blurred.
I like to think of it in terms of driving a car. I have my brake pedal and gas pedal and steering wheel. the other motorists have theirs. There si sucha thing as co-operating and then there is someone trying to drive my car for me. Two hands on the steering wheel don't work well.
The Lord says one of the fruits of the Holy spirit is "self-control". being controled by others or controling others is not healty or biblical. Of course there is a balance in this but I think these are the underlying issues you need to deal with. Establishing healthy boundaries and a sense of identity seperate from your parents is difficult but healthy. being co-operative goes both directions and if your instincts tell you it is controling then it probably is and goes beyond healthy co-operation and socializing.
I suggest some counseling but if that is too overwhelming just do your best to move a little towards being more independent. Moderate moves in these things are better than radical overnight changes.

 

[desi]

If God punishes or rewards us based on our intent I expect most Christians will be found wanting. The Bible addresses this when it talks about 'Even the evil person helps those who help them, it takes a truly good person to pray for their enemies.'

 

[Rage4Christ]

mrstace, interesting question. If you sense and give unconditional love-- then the sense of "obligation" does throw shoe in the gears doesn't it.

It could be your empathetic sense is developed to such an extent you feel a quasi- sense of guilt for not helping another.

Part of me feels that deep down, the obligation is evidence of love. You can't feel obligated to someone, until you respect and admire them. In your estimation they deserve your attentions.

hrm.. I think about it some more.

 

[Stanfi]

The sense of obligation comes from the way that you are taught. You are taught that you should help others, specifically your family, because you are "supposed to", not necesssarily because you love them.

The sense of showing love to others becomes void and is replaced with a sense of obligation. After sometime,you really start to wonder why you do things, because deep down in your heart, you don't want to.

 

[Mercy Me]

mrstace..

I was always taught (in my Catholic upbringing, and subsequently in my pentecostal discipling):

You do the right thing, because it's the right thing to do, whether you feel like it or not. And then, the feelings will come.

Haven't always gotten to the "then the feelings will come" part! But sometimes I do.

Also learned in couseling that love is NOT a feeling, it is a CHOICE. So each time you are doing the right thing for someone you love (whether you feel like it or not) you ARE showing Love.