LOUSY WIFE

[ManicEpisode]

Yeah, you heard me right. I have a lousy wife. It is my inescapable conclusion. I really don't mean to be harsh or a jerk, and I know that's how it sounds, but what if it is the truth?
I know I am not perfect by any stretch, not even close.
Even tho I didn't want to be the topic of this thread, I know people will jump on me for daring to title it as I did and therefore feel the need to establish a few things first.

I have a good job and I work hard to provide for my family.
I have always treated my wife as best I know how, and told her I loved her every day up until about a year ago, and was touchy feely, and never called her any names or swore at her or anything like that.
Of course there were issues in our marriage which I tried to address as gently as possible, but she either didn't take me serious or didn't care, and now after about six years those same issues have only gotten worse, and more have popped up.
I don't know if she realizes how angry I truely am, and how messed up our marriage has gotten.
It is so bad I have lost all hope of things ever being resolved. I've grown cold as a fish.
I don't believe in divorce, so I feel as tho I am ruined for life, and serving a life sentence with a dysfunctional woman.

Tho her horrible constant complaining about anything and everything has gotten better in recent weeks (after 12 years), she still can only focus on the negative in every situation, and ignore the good. She magnifies the problem as insurmountable while ignoring the obvious solutions.

She is just plain negative.

Case in point:

Today I came home with chicken to cook a nice meal for the family. All she could see was that I bought the chicken without a coupon and wasted money, and complained that I was undermining all her hard work at trying to save money. Nevermind that a good homecooked meal was about to happen. The only way I get fed is to cook it myself or fast food, and SHE gets mad about it. Go figure.

For all practical purposes my wife doesn't:

Cook (unless you count opening a box or a can or thawing out precooked junk) I am so sick of frozen pizza. Nor will she learn to cook, altho we have cookbooks galore, and I have even written down cooking ideas for her, and daily menus that would've lasted weeks.

Clean. She does dishes with a dishwasher and laundry, but the house is usually too filthy for visitors, and she has been unemployed for a month, and underemployed for a year. I told her to get a new job in January, but she has completely failed even tho there are jobs everywhere all around us. A new place opened up ACROSS THE STREET that hired about 100 people, and altho I asked her many times to go apply she waited until all the positions were filled before she finally went, and didn't get a job, but she takes no responsibility for her situation.

or work,

or have sex.

I have stated all the problems to her in no uncertain terms, even putting them in writing. I am an effective communicator and have made my side abundantly clear many times over, as calmly as possible.

She has no sex drive, and says it's early menopause, but that has not been confirmed by a Dr.
We have gotten together twice all year, and the last time she began complaining the second we were done, making me so mad I never want to touch her ever again, which she seems fine with.
My personal beliefs are that it doesn't matter whether she has drive or not, but that she is obligated to fufill my needs regardless. She doesn't care about me.


I really don't see her as a wife anymore, but more like a freeloading jerk roommate.

We have been getting along ok on a roommate like basis, but that has been because I told her a few things about how I could no longer stand her constant complaining and couldn't even listen to her voice anymore, and she has complained very little since, but talk about a situation having to go to the extreme.

I hate complaing myself. I despise it, and to have to complain as I am now really stinks.

Her good points are that she is a decent, faithful, Christian woman, and a good person. Just a lousy wife.

 

[BigToe]

hun i hate to break it to you, but you are probably both at fault and not just her. with the attitude you express in this thread, i am sure she picks up on it at home. and honestly i wouldnt be nice to someone who felt that way about me, nor would i want to bring them pleasure when all i get is nagging to do something. granted, it sounds like she isn't trying to improve much on her part either.

have you guys tried marraige counseling? you should ask your minister about it. it could help you both out in your relationship and your walk with Christ. I will be praying for both of you.

 

[ManicEpisode]

i wouldnt be nice to someone who felt that way about me

We are both very civil towards each other in spite of our problems.

but you are probably both at fault and not just her

I certainly have my faults, but pointing out someone elses fault to dismiss ones own and not address the issue at hand is not right. A bit like someone who drinks a quart of booze a night pointing at the neighbor and saying he drinks 2 quarts a night and beats his wife, so that makes me a good person.

with the attitude you express in this thread, i am sure she picks up on it at home

I would hope she picks up what I tell her directly, but when I try to treat her decent in spite of my feelings she tends to pretend nothing is wrong.

when all i get is nagging

I don't nag. I state my case and move on, hoping she will deal with what I have given her. There is a difference.

I will be praying for both of you

I appreciate this to no end

We've not tried counseling, but I would love to go.

 

[HesMyAll]

I would strongly suggest that you both go for counseling and FAST! If she won't go with you, then for your own sake, go alone. I will be praying that everything will work out for both of you.

 

[ceres]

counseling, counseling, counseling. you each have to talk about these issues in an environment where another person can sometimes translate what you guys are saying.

 

[LadyBird]

I certainly have my faults, but pointing out someone elses fault to dismiss ones own and not address the issue at hand is not right. A bit like someone who drinks a quart of booze a night pointing at the neighbor and saying he drinks 2 quarts a night and beats his wife, so that makes me a good person.

But the person who drinks a quart of booze is STILL drinking!!!

 

[Kathy]

Like the others have said.....COUNSELING!!!!! You both need counseling right away! If your wife won't go with you..then go alone,the counseling will help you. God Bless...I will pray for you both.

 

[FervidPrincess]

My personal beliefs are that it doesn't matter whether she has drive or not, but that she is obligated to fufill my needs regardless.

That is not a very good way to look at it. I will pray that you two can get this worked out.

 

[katelyn]

I would say that you guys really need to communicate. Maybe if you could discuss what your individual goals and desires are in life, that would help you better understand each other. Maybe that would help you to understand why she hasn't put more effort into getting a job outside the home, or why she doesn't cook, and how you can come to compromise on issues. I know that you said you go to her with your feelings about her behavior, but have you tried listening to her to figure out why she is acting that way? Just telling her to change won't cut it, as you've already found.

Based on how upset you seem, I would agree with everyone that counseling is in order. It sounds like communication has degraded to the point where outside help will be needed to restore it. I know that you say that you have always been civil toward each other, but some of the things you said (like telling her you can't even stand the sound of her voice anymore) say otherwise.

I really hope that you two are able to grow in your marriage relationship. Marriage isn't easy, I know. God bless!

 

[chosen1975]

All I can say is I will also put you on my prayer list and pray for the both of you.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Manic,

Ditto to what others have said about counselling.

May I ask, is she also a Christian? (I may have missed that in your first post).

I pray that things work out for you both

 

[Mikeyfinn]

Theres always 2 sides to every story but based on what you have said...sounds like you are a living a nightmare! There is a lot of stigma associated with divorce...but if i were you...

 

[HesMyAll]

Maybe a good checkup with your family doctor would be a good idea. Some of the things you have written about her sound as if maybe she is suffering from depression.

 

[ManicEpisode]

That is not a very good way to look at it.

1 Corinthians 7
3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

There is a lot of stigma associated with divorce...but if i were you...

Never. I made a vow unto death in front of God and man. Very serious business. I value my integrity.

I apologize to everyone for my original rant. I was very crabby and was very disrespectful to the mother of my children.

I appreciate everyones prayers and will bring up counseling to my wife asap.

And to whoever asked, yes, my wife is a christian

 

[Kelly]

How can we help or give advice when the subject head of your message says so much about how you feel about her?

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Counseling!
It's cool stuff.

 

[ManicEpisode]

How can we help or give advice when the subject head of your message says so much about how you feel about her?

Okay, let's change it to:


MY WIFE DOESN'T COOK, CLEAN, WORK, OR PUT OUT, BUT AT LEAST NOW SHE BATHES REGULARLY.

Does that help?

 

[Christi]

I've found that sometimes the way you feel about someone at the beginning, can get lost in resentment. To the point you can't even see the good in them, anymore. Consequently, they sense it,(if you don't tell them straight out), and people tend to live up to what you expect of them, in most cases. I suspect your wife would have a list at least as long of your failings. You two have gotten stuck in a rut of negativity toward each other, and need counseling, to learn how to live to make each other and God happy. To share with you something that has helped me alot, I read it somewhere...... I should make as many excuses for my husband's behavior, as I do for my own....anyway, it's caused me to be more sensitive. I will pray for both of you.

 

[Kelly]

Manic, you seem to want to place the blame all upon her, but look at some of the things you've said:

I have a lousy wife. It is my inescapable conclusion.

You've formed your opinion already. When you posted here did you do it to vent or get real advice?

and told her I loved her every day up until about a year ago

You stopped reaffirming your love for her for about a year. If this is true, perhaps she is not getting the message that you still love her.

It is so bad I have lost all hope of things ever being resolved. I've grown cold as a fish. I don't believe in divorce, so I feel as tho I am ruined for life, and serving a life sentence with a dysfunctional woman.

Again, while things are bad, you admit pulling away and growing distant from her. How can any healing occur if you move away from her like that?

...and complained that I was undermining all her hard work at trying to save money

She has lost her job recently, as you've indicated. This can make people feel really insecure, especially in these tough times of high unemployment. Perhaps she needs to feel that she is somehow contributing to the financial safety of the household in some way. Coupon cutting is one way to help.

Nor will she learn to cook

This can be a very sore point for women who come from homes where their mothers didn't cook or carry on cooking instruction to their daughters. Much in the same way that our dads didn't always teach us home maintenance or car repair. The stereotypes of our fathers era are going the way of the dodo. Since she used to work she was assisting in providing for the household monetarily, probably had less time to cook. Just like the understanding the Bible, learning to cook by oneself can be difficult. Get her to take a community college or adult education class on cooking basics. They are not that expensive and she may feel a sense of accomplishment in going to class.

...the house is usually too filthy for visitors, and she has been unemployed for a month, and underemployed for a year. I told her to get a new job in January, but she has completely failed even tho there are jobs everywhere all around us.

.

She's been unemployed for a month...that's hardly time to recover, especially if she valued her last job. This economy does not favor the unemployed. Even in places where there is lots of hiring going on, the competition is very strong. You accuse her of failing in this regard, I think that's harsh.

or have sex.

You say that you've been withholding affection and words of love for a year and you wonder why there's trouble in this department?

I really don't see her as a wife anymore, but more like a freeloading jerk roommate.

And you call her negative?

Her good points are that she is a decent, faithful, Christian woman, and a good person. Just a lousy wife.

Well, build upon her faith. Do you both attend church and are you both strong in the faith? If you've been slipping you can both come back to God together, doing something like this together, that takes the focus off of each other, may be something that you want to try.

I am not trying to be mean. Just remember that it takes two, and to look at yourself as much as you look at her problems. I seriously hope that you both work it out.

 

[ManicEpisode]

I should make as many excuses for my husband's behavior, as I do for my own..

Sound advice indeed. Thank you.


I know she gets mad at me for doing things that I blatantly shouldn't,
and I get mad at her for not doing things that she should.