Lot's of burden...

[Rorschach]

I'm honestly at the end of my rope. I mean, my family is supposed to be a Christian family, yet what's happening now is just messed up. You see, my parents both had a previous marriage. My mom's first husband was abusive so she took up my two (half) brothers and left. My dad's first wife died in a car accident and he was left with my other three (half) brothers and sister.

The two of them met and got married and had me. Now my families had problems before, but nothing on this scale. My mom thinks my dad hates her two sons and doesn't wanna help them. It's true that my dad thinks they're trash and he claims he doesn't hate them but I don't know what else to think. Now stuff like this has been going on for a long time but it blew up again the other day. My brother brought his car here so he can repair it and my dad is old fashioned, so he thinks neighbors don't wanna see people repairing their cars in the drive way.

So he helps my brother repair his car. My sister in law then comes to our house with her car. Later on in the afternoon they were going to leave but my sis-in-law lost her keys. So they were here for a long time. Now they have four kids, two twin girls who are 7, another girl who is 4, and a boy who is 1.

Now these kids aren't really disciplined, so they get REALLY rowdy. My dad is old, around 65 and he really can't take too much rowdiness. What he can't take even more is the fact that the parents do NOTHING about the rowdiness, even while under his roof. So they get the hint and try to go, but she lost her keys so they were here for a while. Afterward they just went home in one car, and my dad said something to my mom afterward (who was very stressed out might I add) and it provoked an argument.

Then yesterday she took some pain medicine for her back without eating anything and slept all day, making herself very weak. She's done stuff like this before, taking medicine so she can sleep until she dies because she feels we "don't need her anymore". She's a little better today but she's accusing my dad of not liking her kids, and she says she doesn't wanna have anything to do with him anymore.

I doubt they'll get a divorce because they don't believe in that stuff, and while this has happened before it always died down. But now we're back full circle again and I do not know what to do anymore. I seriously just can't take it, we have other problems in my family which I won't go into, but it's taking a big toll on me and the rest of the household.

My dad asked me for my opinion and everything I gave him, he somehow thinks it won't work. I just don't know what to do except pray and hope I can somehow help in making things better. I just don't know anymore though...

 

[Akathist]

Rorschach,

This sounds like a lot to try to deal with. My first thought is to wonder just what you can do. You can't change your Dad and you can't change your Mom. You can't make kids who are not yours not be rowdy. You have no control over anyone but yourself. Keep praying. That is where the real power comes!

It sure sounds to me as if your mother might benefit from having a counselor of her own to talk to to help her learn how to cope without making comments about dying or taking meds that make her sleep so much. You can't make her go, but you could encourage her to go, offer to go with her, help her find a therapist, etc.

Have you talked with your minister about all of this?

Your minister might know about good counselor's in your area.

There are family therapist or marital therapist that help with integrating step and half families. But I worry the most about your Mom. I think first she needs to become stronger emotionally.

In all of this stress, take care of yourself. Make sure you spend time in the Word and in Prayer and attending Church. Also make sure you stay connected to positive friends and have fun activities to help you cope with all this stress. You can be a great role model to the rest of your family by doing these things.

 

[goldenviolet]

i really agree with Xenia. God bless you in these things.

 

[jesusmysaviour76]

I got given some great advice once and it was a simple statement of:

"We are all responsible for our own actions".

Your parents are responsible for their own problems, it is not your problem, and it is wrong of your parents to involve you. I pray that you have the strength to not allow them to use you as an emotional punching bag, and that you can say to them no. As we all have that right.

God bless you and i hope all works out for you.

 

[Shane Roach]

I'm honestly at the end of my rope. I mean, my family is supposed to be a Christian family, yet what's happening now is just messed up. You see, my parents both had a previous marriage. My mom's first husband was abusive so she took up my two (half) brothers and left. My dad's first wife died in a car accident and he was left with my other three (half) brothers and sister.

The two of them met and got married and had me. Now my families had problems before, but nothing on this scale. My mom thinks my dad hates her two sons and doesn't wanna help them. It's true that my dad thinks they're trash and he claims he doesn't hate them but I don't know what else to think. Now stuff like this has been going on for a long time but it blew up again the other day. My brother brought his car here so he can repair it and my dad is old fashioned, so he thinks neighbors don't wanna see people repairing their cars in the drive way.

So he helps my brother repair his car. My sister in law then comes to our house with her car. Later on in the afternoon they were going to leave but my sis-in-law lost her keys. So they were here for a long time. Now they have four kids, two twin girls who are 7, another girl who is 4, and a boy who is 1.

Now these kids aren't really disciplined, so they get REALLY rowdy. My dad is old, around 65 and he really can't take too much rowdiness. What he can't take even more is the fact that the parents do NOTHING about the rowdiness, even while under his roof. So they get the hint and try to go, but she lost her keys so they were here for a while. Afterward they just went home in one car, and my dad said something to my mom afterward (who was very stressed out might I add) and it provoked an argument.

Then yesterday she took some pain medicine for her back without eating anything and slept all day, making herself very weak. She's done stuff like this before, taking medicine so she can sleep until she dies because she feels we "don't need her anymore". She's a little better today but she's accusing my dad of not liking her kids, and she says she doesn't wanna have anything to do with him anymore.

I doubt they'll get a divorce because they don't believe in that stuff, and while this has happened before it always died down. But now we're back full circle again and I do not know what to do anymore. I seriously just can't take it, we have other problems in my family which I won't go into, but it's taking a big toll on me and the rest of the household.

My dad asked me for my opinion and everything I gave him, he somehow thinks it won't work. I just don't know what to do except pray and hope I can somehow help in making things better. I just don't know anymore though...

That's very stressful, your situation, especially the part about your mother. I don't know if your church has a counselor, but you might try talking to him or her if they do. Careful... psychology in general, even in the Church, can be ... odd. I was beaten by my father in an offhand sort of way. He was not some sort of habitual physical abuser or anything, but this fit he threw scared me and he had been more or less verbally abusive over a period of time, so I went to my mother's without telling him and talked to her church's counselor, who told me all kinds of really weird mess. At one point he told me I was at high risk for homosexuality. Today, at 38, homosexuality is one of the few sexual sins I have NOT been tempted with... so... my point is be careful about how you take the counsel, and try your best to compare it with scripture and so forth.

I really am at a loss for a "fix" of any sort. You are in a time of trial and testing, and you need to find some way to hold on until you can get away from that situation. Obviously your Mother needs help, so do what you can for her. If any of your siblings are fairly responsible, see if you cannot enlist their aid. Indeed, if any of them are decent folk and out of the house, it might be good to spend some time with them away from the drama at your house. If not, maybe try to find some folks who are.

Basically, you appear to be overwhelmed and you may or may not be able to find more people to help you out. :-/ Not the news you want to hear I am sure. Still, God can and will help you weather this storm.

I hope you will keep updated, and would especially like to hear if you find some support somewhere.

In any event, I pray for you now, and I do feel for your situation. You have a very legit problem here, hard to solve, and did I think a good first step looking for help here.

I just got the impression too that maybe your father is in much the same need, like maybe he is stressed out too. Something about the discussion you said you had where he thinks nothing will work. Those sound like the words of an overwhelmed man as well. Don't know if you can help him find that support or not.

 

[Rorschach]

Thank you all for your replied and advice, I really appreciate it. I just wanted to update all of you on my situation. My mom and dad are doing a lot better with each other. My mom snapped out of it after she thought about the whole situation and her and my dad are working things out. My brother and cousin are both ministers at my church, so if things got worse I would probably contact my brother, but thankfully things are getting a little better. However, the situation has changed focused to my brother now, the one I mentioned in my first post.

He's addicted to drugs and we've been trying to convince him to go into rehab. He claims he wants to stop but he doesn't wanna go to rehab because he knows what withdrawls are like and doesn't want to go through it again. He lost his job about a year ago because he had some kind of illness, one of his glands stopped working which caused him to throw up a lot.

He's been sick with this for years now, and eventually turned to drugs because of it (or so he claims). It's just a hard situation because they rented a house from his wife's uncle, but her uncle kicked them out because my brother didn't have a job and couldn't pay the rent. They have an apartment and are getting support from my church with food and stuff like that.

But now my brother wants to move to Arizona where his friends live, because they claim they can provide a job for him. He wants to go there by himself for a few months, save up money and then move his family down there. It's just hard because he still has a drug problem and we fear for his safety if he goes.

A friend at my work told me he used to have a family before he got divorced, and he had a drug problem too. But they did an "intervention" and forced him to go into rehab. I don't know if we can still do that legally, but how else can we get him to go? This whole thing is just a terrible situation and me and my parents don't know what we can do about it

This is one burden me and my whole family have been carrying for a long time, and God has taken care of us through it all but it just seems to get worse. My brother was hospitalized three times because his arm or hand would get infected from the needles he used. The first time he nearly died and wanted to turn his life to God, but when things seemed to get better he turned away from God...again.

Everything just kinda seems hopeless. I don't want my brother to die without knowing Jesus...

 

[Shane Roach]

I'm glad to hear things are more even now. Dealing with family members caught up in bad lifestyles however is still a LOT of stress, obviously. I instantly thought of the intervention as well. It can be as agressive as telling him that if he does not go willingly to rehab you will report him to the police for his drug use. Do not do such things all on your own. Your family needs to work together on this. He certainly does not need to move miles away from the only accountability he has.

It is hard, hard, hard for Christians who have family members who do not know Christ. The fact is, that while you can and should pray, seek opportunities to talk to them, help, love, wrangle wheedle and deal in every way you can to draw them in, the fact remains that sometimes someone you love is just not interested in God. I think that that is about as close as any of us will ever come to truly comprehending what it was that Christ did on the Cross. My tendency with people who hurt me is to disconnect. I am not sure God in His perfect love has that option. He loves us all, and feels the pain when we turn from him intensely.

Luke 13:34
34 O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not!
KJV

It's going to be a hard old thing, but yes, I think the intervention, if you can pull it off together, is the best thing. He simply does not need to dissapear off into the sunset with his friends that have such a bad influence on him.

I prayed again for ya. Maybe your family should get together regularly to pray as a group over this, eh? Thanks for coming back. Please keep on coming back as long as you feel we can help, or maybe even just to hang out and have some extra folks to talk to okay?

 

[Rorschach]

Well it officially got worse. My girlfriend of two years just broke up with me. Well, it's more of a "break". We had a long distance relationship and it worked for two years and all of a sudden she decides she needs to find herself. She says she still loves me but the hassle of seeing each other every two months or so is too much. I agree it is hard, but now, I just don't know what to do.

I'm so used to calling her every night and talking to her...I'm predicting a lot of sleepless nights now. She doesn't wanna talk to me until monday. What do I do? Anticipate a permanent break up? I don't know. I hope not, yet at the same time I guess I should prepare myself for it just in case.

Two years of wonderful memories all of a sudden down the drain. What seems logical to her seems so illogical to me. If she knows that she's going to miss me and that if she talks to me tommorow that she'll change her mind, doesn't that show some kind of deep love and caring?

Dunno what to do. I'm such a mess.

 

[Shane Roach]

Well it officially got worse. My girlfriend of two years just broke up with me. Well, it's more of a "break". We had a long distance relationship and it worked for two years and all of a sudden she decides she needs to find herself. She says she still loves me but the hassle of seeing each other every two months or so is too much. I agree it is hard, but now, I just don't know what to do.

I'm so used to calling her every night and talking to her...I'm predicting a lot of sleepless nights now. She doesn't wanna talk to me until monday. What do I do? Anticipate a permanent break up? I don't know. I hope not, yet at the same time I guess I should prepare myself for it just in case.

Two years of wonderful memories all of a sudden down the drain. What seems logical to her seems so illogical to me. If she knows that she's going to miss me and that if she talks to me tommorow that she'll change her mind, doesn't that show some kind of deep love and caring?

Dunno what to do. I'm such a mess.

Well, this is a case of really bad timing! But, I think it is actually for the best. Both of you need to be dating someone close by. Not only that, but frankly any friend at all that suddenly pulls away in a time of trouble... well... you may want to consider taking the situation out of her hands and just tell her it's over. You can be friends but... Probably she is young and got caught up and lacks the character and fortitude to carry on the way things are now.

A lot of parents don't let their kids date seriously for precisely this reason. Being still at home, you are not really in a position to have a "commited" relationship with someone miles away. You neither of you have the resources to commit yourselves.

Not that this makes it feel better.... *sigh* I really am sorry that this is all coming down on you right now. In the grand scheme of things though, this comes across as more of a icing on the cake sort of trouble than something you should take too hard. I don't think it is something that you should take to heart or feel as if you did something wrong or whatnot. I just would have liked it better if it maybe could have happened at a slightly less stressful time for you!

Bet you wish so too!

Are ya okay? Hang in there.... normally this is just one of those things in life we all go through, but everything is made harder when you are in a high stress portion of your life.

 

[Shane Roach]

heh, I thought you were younger than you turned out to be.... blot that part out about parents allowing dating!!! *blush*

 

[Rorschach]

Lol, yeah we're both in our early 20's. About the whole long distance thing, what made it easier is that both our families supported us. When we visit each other we stay at the other person's house and whatnot. I honestly thought she'd be the girl I end up marrying.

I'm just scared of her being involved with other guys. I don't think she cheated on me or anything, she's not the type of person. She just wants to be single and on her own...or is that just an excuse to say that she wants to "be" with other guys? Know what I mean?

It just makes me sick to my stomach, because a month or two ago, she expressed her fear that she would lose me to some other girl and whatnot and I assured her she wouldn't. And she expressed this fear more than once.

I think I'm going to take a very long walk though. Maybe I need to find myself too. It just sucks cuz I was just starting to get some direction in my life. I didn't go to college right away after I graduated. I took a year off. But she helped motivate me to get into college, and this will be my second year going in and I just figured out my major and everything...

 

[Shane Roach]

Lol, yeah we're both in our early 20's. About the whole long distance thing, what made it easier is that both our families supported us. When we visit each other we stay at the other person's house and whatnot. I honestly thought she'd be the girl I end up marrying.

I'm just scared of her being involved with other guys. I don't think she cheated on me or anything, she's not the type of person. She just wants to be single and on her own...or is that just an excuse to say that she wants to "be" with other guys? Know what I mean?

It just makes me sick to my stomach, because a month or two ago, she expressed her fear that she would lose me to some other girl and whatnot and I assured her she wouldn't. And she expressed this fear more than once.

I think I'm going to take a very long walk though. Maybe I need to find myself too. It just sucks cuz I was just starting to get some direction in my life. I didn't go to college right away after I graduated. I took a year off. But she helped motivate me to get into college, and this will be my second year going in and I just figured out my major and everything...

It's a darned pain, but the very thing that relationships, specially with women (for us guys), seem to be best for -- making us feel more fulfilled and motivated -- often seems to be the very thing they are most destructive of as well. I dated a girl for only 9 months and when she broke up with me I dropped out of college......

So try not to take it THAT hard...

Every once in a while I see a couple who hooks up and seems to work out so well. I dunno. I had a point here somewhere. Oh! Finding yourself. Yeah, it's almost as if when you get yourself together where you don't really NEED anyone anymore, that's when it suddenly becomes easier to find someone. Then, after you've been with them a while, that need developes again.

I am the sort that I get very resentful. Try not to let that happen. Don't toss all the good from the two years just because it did not work out. Try to find a balanced way to look at it. Heh, like it said in "As Good as it Gets," "Don't be like me!"

Take you a walk and ponder... give her her space, and in the meantime decide what YOU want. One thing I do that you might actually emulate with some usefulness is no, do not let her dictate terms hoping to "earn" her back. Things need to be equal between you. If she begins to set up a bunch of boundaries and so forth, just tell her whatever you need to tell her, "just be friends" or cut off or whatever you have to do. If she loves you worth much at all to begin with, she ought to be able to understand that things need to be on an equal footing.

Anyhow... of all the subjects you could pick, this is the worst one for me. 38 never married here.

But, I have survived a few breakups, so know that you can make it.

 

[Rorschach]

I don't know how I can be friends with someone who tore my heart of my chest, twisted it, beat it, burned it, stepped on it, spit on it, stabbed it...multiple times, and all manner of ill things. Espicially at a time in my life where I sometimes relied on her support. I don't believe in crap like that, ya know? If you love someone, you don't just do that to them just because your confused about yourself.

I can sort of understand taking a little break with the intention of getting back together (even though I still think it's stupid), but as a girl at my work told me today, she practically broke up with me for no reason. According to her, girls get scared that they might have found that "one" guy. She thinks my girlfriend is scared that I might actually be the one she ends up marrying and she feels like she's only been with one guy.

Which is dumb, she's dated more than I have in the past before we met. I dunno, I'm just very confused and hurt at the moment.

EDIT: In case your reading this hun, I'm venting. How else do you expect me to feel?

 

[Shane Roach]

The fact that she can't just open up and tell you what is going on is a bad sign too...

Well, vent away! And if she sees, well... how much worse can it get anyhow? She's already pulled away. You deserve better treatment. That's the ultimate bottom line. I still just wish I knew what I could do or say because I know it doesn't really make it feel better.

But I hope ya feel better! Drat, I am not even one of those people that remembers a lot of jokes!

I will pray for ya now. Talk soon.

 

[Rorschach]

Well, guess she needs her space to figure things out for herself. It just tears me apart. I just hope this is just another phase cuz I miss her terribly. It's one of those things that, once it's gone, you realize what you don't have anymore. I just don't feel the same anymore.

I don't even know if this is a permanent breakup, she said she just wants a break (which usually leads to a break up). I just wish she would take those two years into consideration instead of throwing it away Call me a sucker, but I still love her even though this situation is messing me up. Prayers are greatly appreciated, thanks

 

[Shane Roach]

Well, guess she needs her space to figure things out for herself. It just tears me apart. I just hope this is just another phase cuz I miss her terribly. It's one of those things that, once it's gone, you realize what you don't have anymore. I just don't feel the same anymore.

I don't even know if this is a permanent breakup, she said she just wants a break (which usually leads to a break up). I just wish she would take those two years into consideration instead of throwing it away Call me a sucker, but I still love her even though this situation is messing me up. Prayers are greatly appreciated, thanks

It may be the easy way out, or whatever, but after years of being the sensitive guy type, I have become the "I don't put up with that" type.

I can't explain why it makes it easier for me. I just think that what happens is one person commits more than the other, and that creates an imbalance. Heck, the thing bothering her may be your level of attachment.

I don't know... I am sooo not the person to talk to about relationships. I think I am mad at her because she reminds me of women in my past, and I don't want you beating your heart against that wall... but it has to be your decision, because you know... your life.

Got another prayer for ya though.

 

[Shane Roach]

Occured to me while praying... you NEED to not need her in this way. I know it feels natural, but God is the only person that deserves or can sustain that level of need in you. If you put too much faith in any person, they will let you down and it will hurt more than it really should.

K... Bless your heart. Talk soon! I hope you find some peace.

 

[Rorschach]

Occured to me while praying... you NEED to not need her in this way. I know it feels natural, but God is the only person that deserves or can sustain that level of need in you. If you put too much faith in any person, they will let you down and it will hurt more than it really should.

Oh yeah, I know that. I honestly love her a lot, and I feel like she's that girl for me. I think she's partly scared of that. I know she loves me still and still cares about me, but she's having self esteem issues among other things and she wants to figure it out on her own without relying on me. She has reasons why she thinks we shouldn't be together, and I completely disagree with them.

However, I will try my hardest to give her the space she needs this weekend. I just want to work things out with her because that's what I believe, if two people truly love each other, they work things out.

 

[Shane Roach]

Oh yeah, I know that. I honestly love her a lot, and I feel like she's that girl for me. I think she's partly scared of that. I know she loves me still and still cares about me, but she's having self esteem issues among other things and she wants to figure it out on her own without relying on me. She has reasons why she thinks we shouldn't be together, and I completely disagree with them.

However, I will try my hardest to give her the space she needs this weekend. I just want to work things out with her because that's what I believe, if two people truly love each other, they work things out.
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Yes, it's true -- if two people love each other THEY work it out. I am just scared that you're the only one working here.

You sound better today, though I don't know if that is the fact or not. Perhaps your determination to see this through has you becoming aware that it is you, and not her, that is responsible for the pressure you are feeling, and in turn you feel less out of control? Or is it all just an illusion of the internet that you feel better to begin with?

 

[Rorschach]

Probably an illusion Me and her will work it out once she has her space this weekend. I talked to her last night and I KNOW for a fact that she still loves me and cares about me, she's just so confused. I wanna help her but she's refusing my help.