Lost

Hi all.
I just need a place to vent a bit...
I am really at a loss with myself at the moment because of something that just recently happened.
My best friend Sam is dating my brother (my abuser). and before the woahs! start coming, her and I have talked about this, and the things that happened between me and my bro, occurred about 3 or 4 years ago. She said she believes that him going out into the 'real world' has changed him and henceforth, the relationship started. I guess Im ok with this. Maybe not so much, but maybe yes. Im not sure. but anyhow.
A few nights ago, my friend Sam and I went out shopping, and after we were done we had stopped to get something to eat. So we went to taco bell. Well my brother and his friend met us there as well. Things started to turn ugly tho when I made a small slight joke about something. I have no idea what I said, but it sent him off the deep end. The next thing I know I'm up and he grabs my wrist, twists my arm behind my back and shoves my head into a corner of a support beam on the window. Instantly my body went numb and it was a miracle that I fought back my own tears.
He was apologetic, but I pushed him off and sat back down to eat. I went basically mute for the rest of the night, and barely spoke. I had never wanted so much to dissappear ever.
After I got home and got into bed, I felt my head and noticed that there was a huge lump on the spot that had hit the corner and I was just at a loss. So I just went to bed helpless because there was nothing I could do.
When I woke up the next day I totally forgot about the hit and touched my head and I swear, it felt like someone stabbed me. The lump was gone but it was so so sore. I couldn't hardly touch it without winching, or being in total pain. It was so painful.
All this happened last wednesday night, and my head is still pretty sore...
And I am so angry. I was talking to a different close friend of mine named Kristi, and she was aware of his past abuse, and when she heard this story, she was livid. And worse of all she was threatening to report the issue. And this just sent me into complete panic. I didn't tell my parents what happened, because I don't think that they need to know, and I dont think that they'll think its a big deal. I pretty much begged and pleaded her to not cause a scene, but still she pushed and pushed. And I was getting pretty angry. Eventually her and I talked and she said that she wasn't going to say anything, but I still find myself really mad at her. And im not quite sure why. I know shes concerned, don't get me wrong. But it's angering because I know how easily she could do it. Her mom is a mandatory reporter because she works for a school, so even if the ordeal got mentioned in her house, there could be an issue. And Im very worried. There is more that needs to be sorted out between us, and Im just hurt, and angry. And I wish it was easy to get over but I cant.
And I guess Im just angry that things are surfacing again between me and my bro. It just proves that nothing's really changed all that much, and I just hate that I still feel like total trash. He says things that are uncalled for behind my back to people and then acts like its no big deal in front of me, and so much more. Even with this ordeal last Wednesday. He shoved me into that corner and then turned and walked away like it was nothing. And I just don't get it.
I don't get any of this.

First of all, I want to say thanks for all of the feedback...

To Kristen: Im with you when you say that it will keep continuing, but I can only find rest in the fact that he hasn't lived with us for sometime, and hencerforth, the future problems will be less.

To Bless: I have been through therapy, but recently I haven't been because of transportation issues. It's really hard for me to say anything to anyone about this because I know it will end up backfiring on me. There will either be issues between me and my parents or between me and my friends. And reporting it will only bring more hassle that I just can't emotionally deal with right now. You can say that its his issue, but it will ultimately end up being my fault. Thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it.

To Johnnz: I wish I could give him the kind of wakeup call that he needs, but unfortunately he has to step up and realize that he's hurting other people. And that just won't happen. His maturity level is that of about a 4 year old, and as many times that my parents have tried to fix this, it cannot be fixed. Yes I'm vulnerable, but it's something that Ive just learned to accept because I can't change it.

To Shaina: I do feel really helpless. And as much as I may have options, I know I could never utilize them. There is such a tie between me and my parents that I would just end up causing more problem than its worth. And I can't go through that kind of pain while I am already still emotionally unstable. I know that I can probably talk to Sam about this stuff, but I really don't want to seeing that they are dating, and I know that I can talk to my other friend Kristi, but talking to her leaves me worried because I know that she will act upon what I say. There are a few others that would understand, but I don't want to burden other people, and I know that they can't give me the kind of help that I need, so it just kind of leaves me empty. So it's really just better for everyone that I don't go around letting things out...


Overall, things are just really rocky. I'm just not sure how to take everything in. I guess Im kind of dumbfounded at the same time. I'm apprehensive and kind of worried that Sam is dating him cuz of this, and I'm still pretty angry at my other friend kristi because she pushed so much. School will be awkward because I have a few classes with her, and I honestly don't want to talk to her right now. I don't get my own feelings right now, and I just want to crawl under the blankets with my iPod and sleep til it's all gone. But that's not going to happen because everything will still always be there....It just never goes away...