Lost

[Daylightisgone]

i guess you all are no strangers to what im going to say, and i know you probably all feel the same i just need to let it out. i feel lost, very much so, cutting is difficult to deal with, it is difficult when i do it, when i dont (i stopped over six months ago), and even if i recover i have these ugly scars to deal with, scars that remind me every day of just feelin sad and empty. who to talk to? i am so desperate to find a person i can see and touch (as in non-internet) to whom i can speak to about this terrible problem but cutters are viewed as "crazy" or just people searching for attention (wich is stupid because most cutters hide there scars and tell no one) there is not much information about cutting and people just dont understand. for me it is so hard, i live in puerto rico, and most people here cant even begin to imagine a person that would ever harm themselves, who could i tell? i need help i know i just dont know how to get it.
i feel guilty when i used to cut, i felt dirty, horrible, stupid, now that i have stopped i cant stop thinking about doing it, i cant take my mind of it, its everywere i look its in my dreams, i have such terrible scars, i cant go to the beach and my friends dont even know me...i dont even know why i am writting this i just need to express myself..

 

[devotee]

i guess you all are no strangers to what im going to say, and i know you probably all feel the same i just need to let it out. i feel lost, very much so, cutting is difficult to deal with, it is difficult when i do it, when i dont (i stopped over six months ago), and even if i recover i have these ugly scars to deal with, scars that remind me every day of just feelin sad and empty. who to talk to? i am so desperate to find a person i can see and touch (as in non-internet) to whom i can speak to about this terrible problem but cutters are viewed as "crazy" or just people searching for attention (wich is stupid because most cutters hide there scars and tell no one) there is not much information about cutting and people just dont understand. for me it is so hard, i live in puerto rico, and most people here cant even begin to imagine a person that would ever harm themselves, who could i tell? i need help i know i just dont know how to get it.
i feel guilty when i used to cut, i felt dirty, horrible, stupid, now that i have stopped i cant stop thinking about doing it, i cant take my mind of it, its everywere i look its in my dreams, i have such terrible scars, i cant go to the beach and my friends dont even know me...i dont even know why i am writting this i just need to express myself..

Are you lost or walking otwards something? I used to SI but have not for a long time now, and know that it is no longer an option I will choose in the future. Your scars are the physical expression of the pain within, you need to replace your cutting with something of equal value, something that lets you express yourself though in a more healthy way. I write, walk, create, study what interests me, and cultivate my spiritual being (try!).

It is unfortunate that you have no one you feel you can talk to, I am more comfortable with forums like this, I find the face to face too disheartening. Many people are in pain in today's world, they seeem to find anothers just too much to listen to. I think it scares them too, b/c it seems that those that SI are those that ask questions of themselves and society that others don't. We get them thinking and questioning themselves - scary stuff for some. Although perhaps you can get access to a counsellor?

What you've been through, are going through, can bring answers and understanding to others. I hope you stay with forums, some communication is better than none. pm me anytime, Take care.

 

[Eby]

I'll echo devotee in saying that using writing or drawing to express yourself is very good. Both worked very well for me, in stopping me from harming myself.
I went to see a councellor who helped me stop but if you don't want to see anyone in the flesh then thats ok but I suggest that you stick around on the boards - people need support when they're going through the times you are. Any support, whether its from someone on the other end of a computer screen can't be bad.
I'll pray for you, and if you ever feel really bad or desperate then I strongly suggest getting some paper and pens out and expressing yourself using these.

 

[Tubachick]

i'll be praying hard for you sister!!! hang in there. I havnt cut in 6 months and i too still want to often but with Jesus Christ help we can make it through this!!!

 

[Soulwings]

Seeing a counselor would help, I think. They can give you advice for overcoming the feelings, and plus, they are someone in real life. Also, have you considered meds? Theyre a really good answer for some people- can really help with depression, make life seem bearable. I dont want to say that theyre the answer for everything thats wrong, but they can help at times.

Im proud that youve made the decision to stop. Its such a hard decision to make; I havent really gotten to that point yet. Keep fighting the urges.

About the scars- Ive got massive scars as well. There are some creams out there (vitamin E?) that can really help reduce the scars if you want them to go away.

Dont feel dirty, horrible, and stupid for cutting. Its not the best way to go for handling emotions, but as long as you werent doing it for attention (I think that the majority of cutters DONT do it for attention), then it can be seen as a coping mechanism. Its so hard to give that up, since youve got to develop different coping methods, but in my eyes, its nothing to be ashamed of. Its just ... different from most people. NOTE - I am NOT pro-SI.

I hope that makes some sense. If you ever want anyone to talk to, Im here.