Lost wife

[izmouse]

Well I wrote this once and it didn't take so here we go again. My wife of 19 years had an affair 10mo. ago, she was on FB and playing FV (farm ville) for 8-12hrs a day. The guy she slept w/ was met on FB and shared her love of FV, she flew out to California and did her deed. My wife has always been a good attending Christian but not much on the prayer side. I have always been praying but lacked the Sunday morning service. When I found out I was killed! She told me to shut up, the kids will hear, why do I have to ruin everything? For months and months she continued to have her BF on the computer in my house, they talked about sex while the children stood behind her and watched, she was awful! I was asked to leave all the time, she claimed it was only a game and they were just friends who happened to have sex, I needed to get over it! Her family was angry, they helped me and wanted me to divorce her and take the kids. Her mother had done the same thing 20 years ago but much worse as far as who she did it w/ and where. My wife never said too much about her mother but did take care of her dad while it was happening. The game addiction continued after the BF was gone, my wife had become worthless but I have loved her this entire time. I am reading the "180 plan" to get her to see she's done so much damage to me and needs to make things right. The other night I had her read about a woman who cheated and was willing to do anything for him to stay, she got violent and told me I wasn't allowed to read, converse, or research the subject of reconciliation, that was her job and she was taking care of business. I have been in therapy for 9mo and I have a fear of this family breaking up. My father left me @ the age of 15 and I refuse to let go! I have 4 kids, love them all, love my wife but the 180 plan demands I don't tell her I love her. AM I CRAZY??? I have a solid walk w/ God and he has been an awesome God, he has showed me so much love I want my wife to know the same love but what should my actions be?
My wife right now is still mad about me reading and learning, she is a cold person to me but I want her to feel God's love more than anything. When the affair was going on she was texting/calling her BF all the time, I can't get her to call me once! She claims to love me but I am afraid she has no idea what the word means, I think she only loves herself.
The other week she sent me a text "sorry I lost my way for a bit" this proves she knows right from wrong but to what degree?
We have MC tonight, she has warned me she's going to tell the truth and it's going to hurt when I find out the affair was my fault, I am the destroyer not her.
She takes meds for depression. Here are the reasons she had for the affair-1) I was depressed. 2) I wanted to have a fantasy life, live happily ever after. 3) My BF was giving me an extra 1000 points for having sex w/ him. 4) You (me) was never there. 5) I didn't think you'd find out
Please help me, going crazy.
izmouse

 

[izmouse]

We had MC last night and believe you me it was NOT about me, I could see her digging herself a hole and let her run w/ it. She sounded like a crazy person, I felt bad for her, she wasn't able to see help is avalible there for her. As far as her not being happy and wanting a different life and being entitled to it, it would be called DIVORCE and she is welcome to it BUT she will know it was her that made this decision on her own, I have always been willing to work things out. Like my ex-GF says, she's had it so good she just can't see what she's going to miss til it's gone.
She got a hold of a our history written by me, she told the MC if I showed it to her she was going to leave, it was filled w/ lies. I wrote the truth, she was just hit w/ it all @ once and the guilt was overwhelming. For the first time she sought out help from her parents, this is a good sign, they have their heads on straight.
izmouse
Thanks for any imput!

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

Well I wrote this once and it didn't take so here we go again. My wife of 19 years had an affair 10mo. ago, she was on FB and playing FV (farm ville) for 8-12hrs a day. The guy she slept w/ was met on FB and shared her love of FV, she flew out to California and did her deed. My wife has always been a good attending Christian but not much on the prayer side. I have always been praying but lacked the Sunday morning service. When I found out I was killed! She told me to shut up, the kids will hear, why do I have to ruin everything? For months and months she continued to have her BF on the computer in my house, they talked about sex while the children stood behind her and watched, she was awful! I was asked to leave all the time, she claimed it was only a game and they were just friends who happened to have sex, I needed to get over it! Her family was angry, they helped me and wanted me to divorce her and take the kids. Her mother had done the same thing 20 years ago but much worse as far as who she did it w/ and where. My wife never said too much about her mother but did take care of her dad while it was happening. The game addiction continued after the BF was gone, my wife had become worthless but I have loved her this entire time. I am reading the "180 plan" to get her to see she's done so much damage to me and needs to make things right. The other night I had her read about a woman who cheated and was willing to do anything for him to stay, she got violent and told me I wasn't allowed to read, converse, or research the subject of reconciliation, that was her job and she was taking care of business. I have been in therapy for 9mo and I have a fear of this family breaking up. My father left me @ the age of 15 and I refuse to let go! I have 4 kids, love them all, love my wife but the 180 plan demands I don't tell her I love her. AM I CRAZY??? I have a solid walk w/ God and he has been an awesome God, he has showed me so much love I want my wife to know the same love but what should my actions be?
My wife right now is still mad about me reading and learning, she is a cold person to me but I want her to feel God's love more than anything. When the affair was going on she was texting/calling her BF all the time, I can't get her to call me once! She claims to love me but I am afraid she has no idea what the word means, I think she only loves herself.
The other week she sent me a text "sorry I lost my way for a bit" this proves she knows right from wrong but to what degree?
We have MC tonight, she has warned me she's going to tell the truth and it's going to hurt when I find out the affair was my fault, I am the destroyer not her.
She takes meds for depression. Here are the reasons she had for the affair-1) I was depressed. 2) I wanted to have a fantasy life, live happily ever after. 3) My BF was giving me an extra 1000 points for having sex w/ him. 4) You (me) was never there. 5) I didn't think you'd find out
Please help me, going crazy.
izmouse

I feel for ya brother...I'm in love with someone who wants to worship Satan and have sex with whoever she wants to have sex with.

God made it clear to me that I had to deny myself and choose the narrow path(luckily we are not married and I have not had sex with her)

I have been trying to get through to this girl for years and in the end some people just don't want to do the right thing. They don't want to live a Godly life and don't see anything wrong with hurting everyone around them, and theres nothing you can say to them to change their minds. They have to figure it out for themselves. It doesn't sound like she WANTS to change or even realize that shes out of line.

Its hard to understand if you are someone who cares about everyone around you(I assume you are)

She sounds like she has some MAJOR control/Jezebel issues. She has NO RIGHT whatsoever to tell you what you can and can't read especially when she is flaunting her disgusting behavior in your face and doing whatever she wants.

Check out this verse from the Pastor of Hermas(it was once included in the bible and it was considered scripture by some of the early saints)

Sir, permit me to ask you a few questions. Say on, said he. And I said to him, Sir, if any one has a wife who trusts in the Lord, and if he detect her in adultery, does the man sin if he continue to live with her? And he said to me, As long as he remains ignorant of her sin, the husband commits no transgression in living with her. But if the husband know that his wife has gone astray, and if the woman does not repent, but persists in her fornication, and yet the husband continues to live with her, he also is guilty of her crime, and a sharer in her adultery. And I said to him, What then, sir, is the husband to do, if his wife continue in her vicious practices? And he said, The husband should put her away, and remain by himself. But if he put his wife away and marry another, he also commits adultery. And I said to him, What if the woman put away should repent, and wish to return to her husband: shall she not be taken back by her husband? And he said to me, Assuredly. If the husband do not take her back, he sins, and brings a great sin upon himself; for he ought to take back the sinner who has repented. But not frequently. For there is but one repentance to the servants of God. In case, therefore, that the divorced wife may repent, the husband ought not to marry another, when his wife has been put away. In this matter man and woman are to be treated exactly in the same way.

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

We had MC last night and believe you me it was NOT about me, I could see her digging herself a hole and let her run w/ it. She sounded like a crazy person, I felt bad for her, she wasn't able to see help is avalible there for her. As far as her not being happy and wanting a different life and being entitled to it, it would be called DIVORCE and she is welcome to it BUT she will know it was her that made this decision on her own, I have always been willing to work things out. Like my ex-GF says, she's had it so good she just can't see what she's going to miss til it's gone.
She got a hold of a our history written by me, she told the MC if I showed it to her she was going to leave, it was filled w/ lies. I wrote the truth, she was just hit w/ it all @ once and the guilt was overwhelming. For the first time she sought out help from her parents, this is a good sign, they have their heads on straight.
izmouse
Thanks for any imput!

If shes seeking help that is a good sign

I'm praying for ya

don't let my pessimism get in the way of your decision(I'm mostly expressing how I feel about my particular situation) but if your wife is willing to realize what shes done is wrong and work on changing her bad habits then you should definitely try and work it out with her

 

[Athene]

She sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. How is she with the children?

 

[izmouse]

She sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. How is she with the children?

Funny you should ask but I am afraid I can't tell you everything b/c I might not tell you the right terms. 2- girls, both have mental illness, the youngest is doing quite well, the other is a big reason for the cheating (so she says) My wife has told me the oldest daughter and her are connected w/ heart strings, I don't know what that is but they act so much in the same way. Could be part of the mental illness?
The boys are mine and are doing VERY GOOD!! I spend all the time I can w/ all my kids but my wife has kept the girls w/ her most of the time. They (the girls) just left to go to therapy, I asked to go with and was met w/ HOSITILITY!! Not sure why but I asked and was told I have alterior motives, when I asked like what, I was told they didn't know but I was sure not to go b/c there would be problems.
My wife has failed w/ the kids choice of music, books, and movies/TV. When the girls were little I caught them watching some demon cartoon, I had a fit and asked about their beliefs, my wife came running and backed them watching this show!!! I sent the boys out of the room and told them as my sons they weren't allowed, it was from the Devil and God would not approve. A few weeks later J is seeing demons in her closet, the other J followed suit within a few months. I brought this to my wife's attention and she got rid of the show. About a month ago I was setting up new I-pods for the girls, J had 1 song that called her a harlot (she's 16yrs old) over and over again, when I brought this to my wife's attention she gave me a ugh, I'll have to check it out, J just smiled like a little devil. Can I get my wife declared unfit? Like I said my boys and I spend most of our time together, they don't even play video games every day. We hunt, work on our tractors (we have 6) go-cart, do projects, watch old movies, and build things. I have started making candy w/ the girls but too much makes us fatter .

 

[izmouse]

If shes seeking help that is a good sign

I'm praying for ya

don't let my pessimism get in the way of your decision(I'm mostly expressing how I feel about my particular situation) but if your wife is willing to realize what shes done is wrong and work on changing her bad habits then you should definitely try and work it out with her

My wife can only see how wrong I am. She will admit it was wrong to cheat on me and knows she hurt me bad but changing herself is just beyond her capacity, she only sees me changing to save the marriage. I have blown many gaskets over this, I didn't cheat but I'm supposed to change? I'm supposed to become more affectionate towards her?? so she'll love me, so she won't have sex w/ other men? I did ask her today if she wanted to be married to me, she said yes. Her mental problems are deep rooted on her mom's side and her fathers side. Both sides have cheating as regular life things that happen and suicide. I have been aware of all of this but never thought it would happen to me. Just thinking back...she said "I am this close to just quitting" was she talking about marriage or was she talking about life? When she said it I was trying to just bring things down a level b/c we had been fighting for the past 4 days. Over and over again I said things that were positive, she kept bringing up the past hurt, I'm talking this happened 5 times in 15min! @ the end she put on a false smile and kissed me, like an over happy fakey taunting child, I had never seen that face before.
izmouse

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

My wife can only see how wrong I am. She will admit it was wrong to cheat on me and knows she hurt me bad but changing herself is just beyond her capacity, she only sees me changing to save the marriage. I have blown many gaskets over this, I didn't cheat but I'm supposed to change? I'm supposed to become more affectionate towards her?? so she'll love me, so she won't have sex w/ other men? I did ask her today if she wanted to be married to me, she said yes. Her mental problems are deep rooted on her mom's side and her fathers side. Both sides have cheating as regular life things that happen and suicide. I have been aware of all of this but never thought it would happen to me. Just thinking back...she said "I am this close to just quitting" was she talking about marriage or was she talking about life? When she said it I was trying to just bring things down a level b/c we had been fighting for the past 4 days. Over and over again I said things that were positive, she kept bringing up the past hurt, I'm talking this happened 5 times in 15min! @ the end she put on a false smile and kissed me, like an over happy fakey taunting child, I had never seen that face before.
izmouse

as long as she realizes the infidelity was wrong and is trying to sort through her problems you should probably stick it out with her...BUT if she cheats again you have to put her aside at least temporarily

no matter what is going on in her head, there is no excuse for something so incredibly vicious towards you

what she has done is wrong and theres no excuse but you should probably look for ways to improve yourself as well...maybe if she sees you attempting to work on things she will motivated to do the same for you

 

[izmouse]

I have on occasion given advice that seemed to work. Most of the time when I was successful it was becaseu rather than trying to find the answer for someone else, who knows far more about the situation than I ever could, I instead tried to ask the right questions.

To the OP, you have 2 women in this thread who are asking what I think are some of the right questions. I recall that Athene has made inciteful posts in the past.

Listen to the questions and perhaps correspond with the 2 asking them.

I have asked if she has other problems, she has only shared the depression w/ me, I have talked to her Dr. and he won't tell me anything. The drugs she takes are bad ones, you can't just quit, one gives you "brain shivers" when you come off of them. I went to see her Dr. b/c my wife told me I needed drugs like she had to make me feel better about her cheating.....her Dr. told me I didn't suffer from depression, I didn't have a bad life.....I had a bad wife. I have asked the questions but when you get lies and 1/2 of the truth ??? Her parents have told me she's just not in her right mind, I should be patient, I should pray (I do all the time) and love her. I have a problem w/ the love thing lately, if she treats me bad and I love her anyways she just treats me worse....so do I act like a parent?

Now I would like to take a line and thank all of you for posting back!!!!! Please continue to pray for God's will!!
izmouse

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

I have asked if she has other problems, she has only shared the depression w/ me, I have talked to her Dr. and he won't tell me anything. The drugs she takes are bad ones, you can't just quit, one gives you "brain shivers" when you come off of them. I went to see her Dr. b/c my wife told me I needed drugs like she had to make me feel better about her cheating.....her Dr. told me I didn't suffer from depression, I didn't have a bad life.....I had a bad wife. I have asked the questions but when you get lies and 1/2 of the truth ??? Her parents have told me she's just not in her right mind, I should be patient, I should pray (I do all the time) and love her. I have a problem w/ the love thing lately, if she treats me bad and I love her anyways she just treats me worse....so do I act like a parent?

Now I would like to take a line and thank all of you for posting back!!!!! Please continue to pray for God's will!!
izmouse

I'm in a similarly frustrating situation so I feel for ya man

just hang in there

you have my prayers

 

[DiligentlySeekingGod]

izmouse, I honestly think you need to seek Godly counsel on this. And while there have been Christians responding, I don't think the Ethics & Morality forum is the best place to talk about something like this, IMO. I would suggest you go speak to your Pastor. If you don't have one, then CF has Recovery Forums, with a link available to the Chaplain's forum. I would suggest speaking to a Chaplain (Ask A Chaplain), in private, rather than discussing your situation here, or at least in the Recovery forums. I will be praying for you and for your family. God has promised never to leave you nor forsake you. He is the One who will direct your path and you will find refuge in Him.

 

[izmouse]

DSG, I have spoken to my pastor, he has hooked me up w/ the best MC there is around here or at least the best one he knows of. I'm not sure why I posted here but my wife has some "moral" problems, like she forgot what they were. Your last line, may I share? Last few weeks I've been struggling w/ God's love and how we are to love him. I was in prayer all day, my wife was on one of her "coffee breaks" w/ a friend so I was all alone. When my wife came home she greeted me and went on her way, I went back to praying/crying. Within minutes she came out and handed me a package, it was "Crazy Love", a book on God's love!!! I broke down and cried. Next was a call from a friend, she assured me I was in her prayers. Next was my wife, she came out and was VERY nice to me and assured me she did love me. Last- my therapist (who never calls) called and said I should read the book he gave me and told me I make the best candy he's ever had. The round up on this- God showed me in a few hrs he will always love me, he will give me friends, he will give me somebody to love and I have good counsel. I was hit w/ all of this and has given me so much strength for the battles that lie ahead! BTW, our MC is a Christian MC
izmouse

 

[DiligentlySeekingGod]

izmouse, I am glad to know you spoke with your Pastor and that you are seeing a Christan marriage counselor. I was just concerned because you posted this in a non-Christian forum. If it were me, I would seek counsel and advise from only other Christians. Will you consider having your thread moved to the Recovery forums or to the Ask A Chaplain forum? You can ask a member of staff to move the thread for you. It is just a suggestion. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. God bless you.

Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30

 

[DiligentlySeekingGod]

I was wanting to check up on you, izmouse. How are you doing?

 

[izmouse]

Well I'm not supposed to be here, my wife is trying to forbid me from seeking help other than her. Is that wrong? She told me today I had better find a way to move on or she'll find a way for me (getting over her A), I asked for 2 things, love and affection, and 2 calls a day for a piece of mind. This was her reply "you need to get better, get this behind us, I don't think I should have to call you unless I want to." So I asked "if just a small hug made me feel better, if it helped me forget all about what you did, you still wouldn't do it" and she said "I just don't think I should have to do that." Didn't ask for an immoral act or her to do any work, just a hug? and a kiss? So what do you think about them apples? Her parents have been involved, her mom cheated on her dad and I have a feeling is backing her to divorce me, I wrote to the FIL and told him things have gone down hill fast when they started talking. I recorded a conversation today about all this and I didn't hear her wrong. I did ask her about when she was on FB and had a BF how I stuck it out, how she told me it was "normal" to have affairs and play games for 12hrs a day, I was the crazy one, well today she (for the first time) told me it was obvious she was crazy @ the time and was wrong about that. Last thing XXXXX she told me I'd been better off having sex w/ another woman to "even" the score. AM I CRAZY?? Please tell me I'm not.
izmouse

 

[Mr Dave]

Mod-Hat On

This thread has been moved to Christian Advice, and some posts removed as part of a thread clean-up. If your post has been removed and you have questions feel free to contact me.

Please be advised, Christian Advice is a Christian Only forum.


Mod-Hat Off​

 

[Maremma]

Oh dear, I feel your pain. Indeed your wife is going to balk at anything that puts light on her sin. That is her reasoning for trying to control who you talk to and what you do.
I am very sorry you are having to deal with this and I must put this out there for you because it IS scriptural.
Infidelity in a marriage is one of the few reason Jesus not only allows divorce but remarriage by the offended party. I just want you to have that understanding while you pray and work through what you and God decide to do about all of this. If ultimately you cannot work things out, you are free to divorce and even remarry if you so choose without being in sin.
That said I am not suggesting that you do divorce. I do not want to instill false hope in you but I have been down your road (sadly more than once) and God has worked things out and not only kept my marriage together but has made it "new".
As painful as this all is to you you WILL have to work through the pain and ultimately forgive her and put these things in the past to begin anew. Although I am the wife in my marriage the pain was still the same for me as it is for you. It hurts just as much for a wife when the husband cheats as it does for the husband when a wife cheats.

It is a long hard road and it certainly is to soon for you to be "over" this pain.. I am just telling you that the day is coming when you will have to do quite a bit of your own spiritual work to save this marriage. Right now your main focus MUST be on you and God's relationship. Draw as near to Him as you possibly can because no matter the outcome YOU are going to need His strength and peace.

 

[precious_in_his_sight]

Funny you should ask but I am afraid I can't tell you everything b/c I might not tell you the right terms. 2- girls, both have mental illness, the youngest is doing quite well, the other is a big reason for the cheating (so she says) My wife has told me the oldest daughter and her are connected w/ heart strings, I don't know what that is but they act so much in the same way. Could be part of the mental illness?
The boys are mine and are doing VERY GOOD!! I spend all the time I can w/ all my kids but my wife has kept the girls w/ her most of the time. They (the girls) just left to go to therapy, I asked to go with and was met w/ HOSITILITY!! Not sure why but I asked and was told I have alterior motives, when I asked like what, I was told they didn't know but I was sure not to go b/c there would be problems.
My wife has failed w/ the kids choice of music, books, and movies/TV. When the girls were little I caught them watching some demon cartoon, I had a fit and asked about their beliefs, my wife came running and backed them watching this show!!! I sent the boys out of the room and told them as my sons they weren't allowed, it was from the Devil and God would not approve. A few weeks later J is seeing demons in her closet, the other J followed suit within a few months. I brought this to my wife's attention and she got rid of the show. About a month ago I was setting up new I-pods for the girls, J had 1 song that called her a harlot (she's 16yrs old) over and over again, when I brought this to my wife's attention she gave me a ugh, I'll have to check it out, J just smiled like a little devil. Can I get my wife declared unfit? Like I said my boys and I spend most of our time together, they don't even play video games every day. We hunt, work on our tractors (we have 6) go-cart, do projects, watch old movies, and build things. I have started making candy w/ the girls but too much makes us fatter .

It all sounds so wrong boys with dad girls with mom shouldn't you each spend time with ALL of your children EQUALLY? Sounds to me like a marriage that should never have happened in the first place and a VERY sad family. I would persue divorce and full custody of the children just know that is a very big responsibility to take on. Doesn't seem like staying together will make for a very happy or healthy family.

 

[paul becke]

You wife needs to develop her own inner life, because she won't find peace and happiness in external fripperies. If she could just get balanced enough in terms of interior peace for a short while, she should meditate on her need to feel compassion for others, instead of feeding her own wilful but, one senses, 'helpless orgy' (I'm not referring specifically to sex with that word) of self-indugence, which can only bring misery to her and anyone she still considers dear to her.

God bless both of you. Sometimes even otherwise good women have some sort of mid-life crisis, and hanker after "what the other life brings", as that Jezebel, Lucille, puts it in that Kenny Rogers song. But your wife's medical condition can't make it any easier for her get on an even keel. But if she has any instinct for self-preservation, she should try to pull herself together, rather than 'throw in the towel' as she's doing now.

 

[izmouse]

All good info, thank you! Here is the latest. My daughter sees a shrink, his name is J, tonight they (the wife and the D) had an appointment, I have been asked to attend by J. I asked my wife when the appointment was and she asked why, I responded I wanted to go. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!! DIVORCE was the first thing out of her mouth, and the second was I'll just cancel the appointment and file in the morning. Now I called the FIL and told him the whole story, he is confused about his daughters actions. Since we started MC she seems to want a DIVORCE every day, before she wanted to work things out. I am ready, I will survive, the kids will be fine as well.
As far us never being married and the boys w/ dad and girls w/ mom.....the girls have problems, 1 won't leave mom's side for anything, the other USED TO hit, punch, kick, bite, and even throw chairs! (She is better now and we do spend a lot of time together) But the point is it was never my decision to leave the girls @ home, it was their choice. My wife chose to sit and play FARMVILLE, she has since quit but still chooses to be alone. The boys are go-getter's and always want to do something, I provide them w/ an escape from mom and her drug dealing DR. A marriage that should have never happen? Would you tell God he was wrong? I did everything right, I asked for her hand in marriage from her father, I prayed about it, and we got married in a church before God. Please pray for us all, we need LOTS of healing!
izmouse