Lost and desperate about my sexual orientation

[arahnpete]

Hey guys, I'm so glad I found this forum through a random google search on how to recover from my addictions. I have a gay porn addiction which I've suffered from since I was 12. The problem is I can't remember what I was like before this. I move to the US when I was around 11 and got bullied and picked on a lot as a kid (being called "gay"). I was so innocent I never ever knew the term back then, that I googled it and that become the start of what has been a never-ending struggle. I am now 26 and my flesh has been so weak that I haven't been able to overcome this addiction. I haven't acted on my desires with real people because I still do very much believe in what the bible says about certain things (I know it sounds contradictory since porn is as much as a sin as homosexualty, gluttony, lust etc.)

I'm really lost because at the end of the day I just want to have a wife and a family of my own because of the family I've had (who have been so loving and kind). I met a girl a few months back and we've been dating and I like her so much but I also know she's very conservative and I can't exactly bring myself to admit that I have an addiction for gay pornography (she just knows I'm addicted to porn). I myself don't even know what is my orientation because from the research I've done, porn tends to morph one's virtual tastes but that doesn't necessarily mean one belongs to that sexual orientation. I watch gay pornography but I do find it many a time repulsive in real life. I do seem to be attracted romantically to females but porn has morphed me so much physically and mentally that I'm lost. I really want to fight this addiction and walk in God's path. Anyone out there in a similar scenario?

 

[Joshua Sinclair Gaines]

Be strong, turn to God.
1 Peter 5
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1 Peter 5&version=KJV
1 Peter 5:7 sticks out to me.
Denying wrong desires can be very difficult, just keep pushing them away, and press into God.

 

[KevinesKay]

Hey arahnpete,

I noticed that you were on this forum about 7 years ago. Welcome back. You're previous posts back in the day discuss an incredibly important topic that is so vital in dealing with PA (p*rn addiction). And you started that thread. Thank you. Some of those responses were excellent and I got some really useful ideas. If anyone here wants to look at this further, I would highly encourage others to view arahnpete's previous posts. Really good stuff.

As a PA, I cannot overly stress the importance of demonstrating self-love. Without that, it makes it virtually impossible for me to resist the strong urge to get my love tank filled from counterfeits like P, fantasizing while MB. arahnpete, I'm really interested to see how things have been progressing since you were last here. How did medical school go? Are you still in Europe? How did the surgery go?

And as a PA, I can understand the idea of "Just give it over to God" really doesn't work for me. I had to make some serious changes in my life to ensure that I'm engaged with my relationships with God, my family, my friends, and myself. That's not an easy challenge.

For me, dealing with PA, it was important that I do a couple of things:

1) Set some good boundaries. My boundary sheet describes what acting out is for me. It also lays out behaviors that I should avoid. For example, I don't allow myself to watch TV alone. I cannot log into a computer without my wife or family putting in a secret passcode. And I cannot log between 12PM and 10PM. It's also important for me to include positive behaviors in my boundary sheet; behaviors that I need to encourage myself to practice. It's not enough for me to stop the P and MB. I need to replace those behaviors with good things such as calling friends, spending time in prayer, reading the Bible, working out. Otherwise, those P demons will come back into my home with 7 times more reinforcements. Boundaries, for me, are not about restricting myself. For me it's about redirecting my life; redirecting it in a better direction that I truly want it to go. It's kind of like re-parenting myself.

2) Stop doing this alone. If I try to quit P and MB on my own, I will fall flat on my face. And I don't mean just relying on God. For me, God uses people as a primary means to communicate to me. And if I fail to make friends and share with them honestly about my life and struggles with P, I'm sabotaging a primary method that God uses to speak to me. And as a PA, I cannot take any chances. I need all the help that I can get. Now some people may not be prepared for such rigorous honesty so proper caution needs to be taken before I share my business with others. It took some work, but I have lots of friends now; even though for much of my life, I was kind of a hermit. I guess God figured that my social anorexia was a bigger problem than my PA because I never was able to make better choices with my life until I worked on my friendships with other men. I'm part of 2 online ministries that deal with PA. I've made friends there who understand this addiction. We call each other on the phone, hold each other accountable, and pray for one another. So the resources are out there. Keep searching for them.

I hope to hear more from you, and I hope that we could be friends. Thanks for sharing. God bless you.