losing the will to act

Well, it would take a face-to-face conversation to draw out where you're going awry.

I can tell by the way you've responded, however, that you haven't understood my post - despite your belief to the contrary. Your use of the word "trying" is a big give-away that I'm right.

But, hey, if throwing in the towel is what you want, so be it.

You're just not trained up in the ways of the finished work of Christ, you don't know anything about how salvation works , rather running on misconceptions. And so you self defeat almost as someone with depression or OCD would do. If you don't have those illnesses then it's lack of scriptural knowledge. You're expecting some kind of emotional response when it's actually a legal matter in heaven that you may get to feel or not. Salvation is more about eternal life than this flash in the pan on earth. But what benefit we do get here can be totally undermined in self defeat and how sad that is if simply from lack of knowledge.
Romans 8:1-2 comes to mind right now. Get out of the flesh and into the spirit then !! Much of this is your choice, you're choosing unwisely. I say that because rather than give up to hell,why not just give up handing the whole ball of wax to Christ ? If you're gonna give up then give up to the one who has saved you eternally. Trust comes to mind, trust Him, might as well since He loves you. The devil hates everyone !

Lifelong Sinner, are you familiar with these Scriptures?

Every word of God is tried and purified; He is a shield to those who trust and take refuge in Him." Pro 30:5

Jesus said "...It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." Matt 4:4

In regards to our sins, God says: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I John 1:9 "far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us." Psa 103:12

"'This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord, I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them;

17 And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more." Heb 10:16-17

When those incorrect thoughts come, immediately focus on God and His Word such as these Scriptures. Rather than give our thought life dwelling on our sins, we can focus on God's forgiveness because of Jesus' sacrifice. "For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee." (Psa 86:5). "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered." (Psa 32:1). "To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. 7 In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;" Eph 1:6-7