Looking for some inside wisdom.

[navyson]

I have been dating my girlfriend for over two years now. Her and I have talked about marriage and all the fun stuff that comes with it, and I really like the idea of being married to her.

The thing is i was previously married before, and i am not sure if it will work out this time, even though this is both of our longest relationships we ever had. Another issue would be trying to find a pastor that would marry us in a church even though she has had a child out of wedlock with one of her previous relations. We also do a lot of the typical couple things like fight and scream at each other and then end up sleeping at our own places(do not live together). I was just wondering if anyone has any good pointers on how to get around the yelling and screaming and make things more enjoyable between us.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi navyson,
I think there are things you can do to learn to communicate without fighting and screaming.

Each person needs to respect the other by saying they have a right to their views, feelings and opinions.
Learn to talk in I statements. I thing, I feel, I believe.
Thank the person for expressing their point of view.
Validate the other persons feelings. They have a right to feel what they feel and no one else should tell them their feelings are wrong or different than they are.
Learn what triggers you to disrespect the other person and their thoughts.
Learn to walk away from disagreements till emotions cool down. Plan a time to have needed talks.
Know what is your responsibility and what is hers. You don't own what she is responsible for.

Then do some positives, look for them:
Thanks her for good things she does.
Help her with chores.
Learn something together.
Tell her what you like about her and her personality.
Look her in the eye with a relaxes gaze with the intention to let her know you love her, like her want the best for her.

 

[Carmenere]

I was just wondering if anyone has any good pointers on how to get around the yelling and screaming and make things more enjoyable between us.

May you give examples on how you get around the yelling and screaming? Thank you and if not, I understand.

 

[navyson]

May you give examples on how you get around the yelling and screaming? Thank you and if not, I understand.

It is usually about some really small and simple stuff. We are both active Duty military and both have incredible work loads on our shoulders. On top of that we are also both Supervisers in our work places. Already our stess levels are pushed only so far we get easily tempered, and I know I have a slight Anger issues at times, but not enough to really cause me to lash out uncontrolably and hit things.

 

[Carmenere]

It is usually about some really small and simple stuff. We are both active Duty military and both have incredible work loads on our shoulders. On top of that we are also both Supervisers in our work places. Already our stess levels are pushed only so far we get easily tempered, and I know I have a slight Anger issues at times, but not enough to really cause me to lash out uncontrolably and hit things.

...i was previously married before, and i am not sure if it will work out this time.

Don't doubt yourself. Stay positive and you haven't married her to worry about it.

I was just wondering if anyone has any good pointers on how to get around the yelling and screaming and make things more enjoyable between us.

Truthfully, I don't have an answer to it because I fight with my princess too. However, I'm attending a men's group. I would suggest that to you, and if you have courage, confess your relationship with a pastor or someone you can trust that is a man. I have yet to do that with anyone at the men's group or pastor. The sermons given to me have helped me be more of a Christian man and it has helped my relationship. There are things I still need to adjust here and there. I hope that helped you.

 

[Mrs Awesome]

You are only 25 and are contemplating marriage - for the SECOND time? How long have you been dating your current girlfriend? How long did you date your last wife before getting married? Twenty-five is awfully young to be working on a second wife!

All the information you have provided combined with your age makes it clear that you two are too immature to get married. Some people can make a healthy marriage work if they are married prior to 25 years of age, but statistics show that people who marry AFTER age 25 are more likely to have successful marriages. That, along with how you two communicate and handle problems is an indicator that you should hold off on marriage until things are better in the relationship.

 

[pittsflyer]

Are you getting significant pressure from your girl friend, family, chruch, co-workers to get married? That is the only reason I could see why you are even thinking about this. Is she playing the "no sex till marriage" card?

I have been dating my girlfriend for over two years now. Her and I have talked about marriage and all the fun stuff that comes with it, and I really like the idea of being married to her.

The thing is i was previously married before, and i am not sure if it will work out this time, even though this is both of our longest relationships we ever had. Another issue would be trying to find a pastor that would marry us in a church even though she has had a child out of wedlock with one of her previous relations. We also do a lot of the typical couple things like fight and scream at each other and then end up sleeping at our own places(do not live together). I was just wondering if anyone has any good pointers on how to get around the yelling and screaming and make things more enjoyable between us.

 

[pittsflyer]

I would strongly suggest to the OP to NOT do this. All some other dude in a church is going to do is tell you to get married to keep having sex or stop having sex. Very little else will likely be discussed unless your not having sex or if you can manage to cleaverly divert the discusion away from that. Having to dodge that topic while having a "man to man" will be stressful.

sometimes in life you have to make whole sale lifestyle changes, maybe the miltiary is not your thing, especially if the military is not working with you so that you can have some conus time to find a stable woman.

Don't doubt yourself. Stay positive and you haven't married her to worry about it.

Truthfully, I don't have an answer to it because I fight with my princess too. However, I'm attending a men's group. I would suggest that to you, and if you have courage, confess your relationship with a pastor or someone you can trust that is a man. I have yet to do that with anyone at the men's group or pastor. The sermons given to me have helped me be more of a Christian man and it has helped my relationship. There are things I still need to adjust here and there. I hope that helped you.

 

[bhsmte]

I have been dating my girlfriend for over two years now. Her and I have talked about marriage and all the fun stuff that comes with it, and I really like the idea of being married to her.

The thing is i was previously married before, and i am not sure if it will work out this time, even though this is both of our longest relationships we ever had. Another issue would be trying to find a pastor that would marry us in a church even though she has had a child out of wedlock with one of her previous relations. We also do a lot of the typical couple things like fight and scream at each other and then end up sleeping at our own places(do not live together). I was just wondering if anyone has any good pointers on how to get around the yelling and screaming and make things more enjoyable between us.

What leads up to, the yelling and screaming?

 

[Messy]

Repentance, forgiving my ex and deliverance prayer and inner healing helped me get rid of anger.

 

[Thewordistruth]

Sorry for the copy paste below as I am still learning how this thing works...

"Truthfully, I don't have an answer to it because I fight with my princess too. However, I'm attending a men's group. I would suggest that to you, and if you have courage, confess your relationship with a pastor or someone you can trust that is a man. I have yet to do that with anyone at the men's group or pastor. The sermons given to me have helped me be more of a Christian man and it has helped my relationship. There are things I still need to adjust here and there. I hope that helped you."

I think this is great advice! Seek out an elder or pastor in your church to help you grow spiritually. When you have a right and loving relationship with God then your relationships with others can be the same! Only through God do we have the ability to love ourselves and others rightly.

"I would strongly suggest to the OP to NOT do this. All some other dude in a church is going to do is tell you to get married to keep having sex or stop having sex. Very little else will likely be discussed unless your not having sex or if you can manage to cleaverly divert the discusion away from that. Having to dodge that topic while having a "man to man" will be stressful."

It sounds like this person may have had a bad experience with such topics. Marriage is NOT about sex. A relationship is NOT about sex. Sex is designed for those who are married, by God. I highly recommend talking with an Elder or the pastor of your church for the counsel you are seeking. I also highly recommend talking with God and seeking in His Word for what He has to say about the issues you are facing.