Looking for advice in relationship

[batboy4241]

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[xmoongirlx]

I say let her do as she wants! If she's distancing herself from the path of God, let her, you obviously talk to her and tell her how you feel, but if she doesn't pay too much attention to you then let her depart from it, God has his ways to people, and if she's really has God in her heart, she'll come back desperately looking for him when she hits rock bottom. As for the cheating part, wow i give you props, I don't think i can deal with something like that. I don't think is very appropriate for her to be talking to the guy, I think you need to stand up to her and tell her you don't like it. She has to respect you.

 

[desert_island_1]

Tell her how you feel about her talking to this guy and how nervous it is making you. Also, congrats on sticking it through in a situation where she has cheated on you. I know I would never have the stregnth to do that.

Kristy

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Now is not the time for a proposal. You don't want to choose a cheating woman for the mother of your kids. And if she's falling away from God you really don't want to get married under those circumstances.

I would suggest you take her to a Christian, licensed counselor and find out what's going on. I wouldn't suggest you use someone at your church because I'm thinking it'd be easier for her to open up to someone who doesn't already know both of you.

 

[peanutbutter12]

You need to ask yourself, and maybe her, what is causing her to go through this situation. Being that she works with the church, she holds responsibility to be accountable for her own actions and set herself standards. She should actively be seeking counsel on a weekly basis with her superior to make sure she is on the right track, which is obviously something she's not doing or she wouldn't be in the situation she's in unless it's by her making her own choices to be there.

As her boyfriend, you can make your concerns known about not liking that she is talking to this guy again, but it may or may not make a difference and it may send her "underground" and start doing it behind your back. Either way, this is not a healthy time in your relationship to ask for marriage because she's obviously not ready for that stepping stone in her life, and you can't guilt her into having a proper relationship with you by being engaged.

Talk to her, communication is key. Have her open up to you and tell you what's going on in her life that is dictating her decisions.

 

[The Nihilist]

Sounds like she's not the one for you. Maybe you should try to get used to the idea that this isn't a forever thing.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

She has to choose between the other guy and you. She can't have both. If you let her have both, she will continue to have both for as long as possible - and lemme tell you, she will not choose you. Best to break it off and not put yourself through more torture. It's going to suck for awhile, but you will recover and you will find someone who will love you enough NOT to cheat on you and who won't have to make the decision between you and that other guy.

 

[allthatisgone]

whats the problem? read what Seraphim says. he's got good advice.

 

[d-11even]

I say let her do as she wants! If she's distancing herself from the path of God, let her, you obviously talk to her and tell her how you feel, but if she doesn't pay too much attention to you then let her depart from it, God has his ways to people, and if she's really has God in her heart, she'll come back desperately looking for him when she hits rock bottom. As for the cheating part, wow i give you props, I don't think i can deal with something like that. I don't think is very appropriate for her to be talking to the guy, I think you need to stand up to her and tell her you don't like it. She has to respect you.

Agreed, props for being able to get past the cheating.
You need to tell her that seeing this other guy is totally disrespectful because of what happened. She should know better and understand how you feel about this situation.

 

[batboy4241]

_

 

[The Nihilist]

I'm learning that as hard as it is to do, I need to let her make her own mistakes and her own choices. It's extremely difficult though because she really doesn't have an authority figure in her life, her mom passed away and her dad is nowhere to be found. I know that I was placed in her life to be someone to look after her, but it's hard when she is rebelling. I'm just taking time to pray for her and to take care of myself. I'm really not the type of person to take care of myself first, so it makes this time hard. Thank you all again for your words, and I pray that you will all be blessed for it.

What a condescending and self-serving attitude. I'm not surprised she left you.

 

[KET20]

I'm learning that as hard as it is to do, I need to let her make her own mistakes and her own choices. It's extremely difficult though because she really doesn't have an authority figure in her life, her mom passed away and her dad is nowhere to be found. I know that I was placed in her life to be someone to look after her, but it's hard when she is rebelling.

Well I'm going to have to agree with RecoveringPhilosopher - albeit not so harshly. There are so very many things wrong with the quoted statement that it makes my head spin. I hardly know where to start. Here goes! We'll start with "let her make her own mistakes...". I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you don't get to "let" her do anything. She'll do what she wants because she's her own person and she doesn't need anyone to "let" her do things.

Now, about her not having an "authority figure" in her life. This may come as a surprise to you, but she doesn't need one. If she's even close to as old as you are (which she must be because you have similar jobs) she's well past the part of her life where she needs someone to be her "authority figure". She's a big girl and she can do that herself.

Lastly, about you "looking after her" and her "rebelling". Same theme as before, but this time I'm going to be more blunt. This woman is not a child. More importantly, she's not your child. It is not your place to look after her, to "let" her do things, to be her "authority figure", or anything else like that. She's grown, and you're not her parent. That said, perhaps if you really want to be with her, you should focus on being her friend, and most importantly, her equal. With all due respect, and I really do not mean to sound heartless or anything, but if I got the sense that a guy was thinking about me in the way you have expressed in the quote above, I would run like hell!

 

[batboy4241]

In response to the last two individuals. Please don't look that into the choices of words that I used. I only used "let" because I didn't really think about the words I used. It just seemed to kind of fit at the time. I do understand that she is her own person, of course. But as a part of a relationship which we were apart of, we bounced ideas off of each other, you know, had a relationship. A sense of together-ness.
In regards to your statements about not needing an authority figure in a person's life, I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. I think every individual needs an authority figure in their life. No matter what age that person is. We need balance in our lives, those people in our lives keep us grounded. We need guidance in our lives as much as we hate to admit it. Those authority figures give us values which we carry through-out our lives. I know in my life, my parents were my authority figures and even though I don't come to them in every single decision I make, their values are instilled within me. On a different note, I'm not so sure what's wrong with looking after each other. Shouldn't we all take some initiative and look after each other. Make sure needs are being met?
I think to judge me and call me condescending and self-serving and leaving it at that is an immature act. I'm wondering what you wish to accomplish by that? Do you want me to simply answer yes you're right, you win?
And I'm not sure what I'm doing that is so self-serving, because all I'm trying to do is help her anyway I can. I'm not saying I'm better than her because I'm not.

 

[KET20]

I'll take the initiative and say that I really am sorry for jumping all over you. RecoveringPhilosopher was right though... It came off as very condescending. It took me a while posting on here to realize that the way I word things sometimes fails to convey the meaning I intended. Please do not take my comments too personally, and do not think you are the only one who gets attacked for the way they word things. There is another thread around here about rape and virginity and whatnot and it was derailed for a couple of pages because someone said "her future husband might want to have her tested for STDs" and another person did not like the phrasing. Again, I am sorry for jumping all over you; I probably should have asked you to clarify your meaning first. Please accept my sincere apologies.

 

[The Nihilist]

Ket20, are you serious? What, did you also believe that Pat Robertson didn't really mean he wanted Hugo Chavez assassinated? He didn't misspeak, we didn't misunderstand him, he said what he meant, and now he's backing away from it because we called him out.

 

[batboy4241]

Honestly what are you trying to accomplish?

 

[The Nihilist]

I'm making the world safe for democracy, what about you?

 

[KET20]

No, I still feel really uncomfortable about the way it was worded, but I gave my opinion, which I meant every word of. I apologized because, although my opinion about what he said still stands, I don't want the OP to feel like I'm attacking him. After I reread my post, I just felt I worded it harshly.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

As a young adult the woman needs a mentor, not an authority figure. The mentor should probably be a more mature woman, not a man.

 

[alfrodull]

While having authority figures can be a good thing, your spouse should not be one of them (much less your boyfriend/girlfriend.) Marriage is a partnership.