Longing for Companionship

[UncleDave]

Good Morning (and a beautiful one it is!)

It has been 13 months since my dear wife passed, and recently I have found myself once again longing for a woman's companionship. I recognize this is a natural need, but at the same time I need to be honest with myself. I still harbor a lot of guilt about not being a "perfect" husband (I don't think I was a bad husband, just not as attentive as I should have been) and feel that, if I was to enter a relationship with someone and give my all, applying what I have learned, and become a better mate than I was before, that I would be shortchanging Donna because of what she had missed. She deserved my absolute best, better than what she got, and it's not fair that I would be giving that to someone else. Does that make sense? Perhaps it's crazy to think that way... Thinking about the lost opportunities really saddens me. I know I shouldn't think about that but I really can't help it. I wonder if it's normal to feel this way...?

~UncleD

 

[JeanR]

Anytime two fallen people living together as intimately as a husband and wife will have struggles from time to time. In looking back, there are things I would have done differently and I know if I were to enter a new relationship, I would be a little older and wiser. I loved Terry and I know he loved me. In areas we failed each other, but I have learned from that.

I, too, would like a new relationship, which takes me by surprise because I didn't think I would ever feel that longing again. I met Terry when I was 18 and I was 50 when he died. That's a long time to be with the same person. I know I'm not ready yet, though. The thought of someone else still scares me. I leave it in the Lord's hands.

 

[HighLonesome]

Good Morning (and a beautiful one it is!)

It has been 13 months since my dear wife passed, and recently I have found myself once again longing for a woman's companionship. I recognize this is a natural need, but at the same time I need to be honest with myself. I still harbor a lot of guilt about not being a "perfect" husband (I don't think I was a bad husband, just not as attentive as I should have been) and feel that, if I was to enter a relationship with someone and give my all, applying what I have learned, and become a better mate than I was before, that I would be shortchanging Donna because of what she had missed. She deserved my absolute best, better than what she got, and it's not fair that I would be giving that to someone else. Does that make sense? Perhaps it's crazy to think that way... Thinking about the lost opportunities really saddens me. I know I shouldn't think about that but I really can't help it. I wonder if it's normal to feel this way...?

~UncleD

Uncle Dave . . . It is pushing 18 months for me since I lost my wife and I miss the physical touch and her essence every day. We loved each other very deeply and I have said in this forum before that I could have loved her more and she could have loved me more . . . but it was the life we shared. You might be right, it might not be fair that Donna didn't receive your best. BUT it probably isn't fair that she passed away either. I am the first to admit that I have changed and that I have learned what love is and how to show that love to someone new should the Lord bring someone special into my life. Because of my loss, I plan to be more of a husband the second time . . . to love deeper, be kinder, show more compassion, to truly treat her like a queen and pamper her as much as possible. Do I wish I had been this "smart" with my late wife - of course! I agree with you that there were lost opportunities BUT I refuse to get entangled in a bunch of regret. I actually had a "date" here a few months ago where I enjoyed an evening at the symphony with a very attractive lady and you know what went through my mind? How much my late wife would have enjoyed it! Yep, have a ways to go but I am letting go. You have to whether you like it or not. It is the transition time between the life that was and the beginning of the life in front of you that IS. Just don't be too quick to jump into the sack because you're feeling lonely. Be patient on the Lord and trust in Him to bring you that person to fulfill the next part of your life . . . yea, I know, easier said than done but it'll be worth the wait, I am sure. And if it doesn't happen, then I pray that the Lord will give me strength to be content in my life as it is. Good luck brother!

 

[pammie54]

First to Uncle Dave-What you posted today really touched me. All of our mates did deserve our best. But don't you think your beautiful wife would be pleased that you would honor her by taking all you've learned and share that with someone new. It has been 3 years since my precious husband was suddenly called home and I too have felt these same feelings. I am learning though that they would want us all to do well and to be happy.
2nd to highlonesome-You truly are a man of integrity. I love what you wrote to Uncle Dave. It is such a hard road we are on but the Lord walks with us every step if we let Him.
Thanks gentleman. I am blessed to read this process from a Christian man's perspective.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think everyone that has lost their spouse would at some point get lonely. I thought I would care less about getting in a new relationship and/or missing out on sex. It's been 3 years for me, and yes, I get lonely. BUT I am terrified to put my heart out there again, should another man become interested in me. I believe that if I had been the one to die first, my husband would probably already have someone new in his life. I wouldn't fault him for that, it's just who he was. I think men are different in this respect too. Unfortunately, this is a journey we each have to do on our own. There is no set right way or wrong way to go thru this process. I personally don't think you would be short changing your previous wife because you have changed thru this process of losing her. And if she is with Jesus, she is in a FAR better place than any of us are, and she is happy, and would want you to be happy, the best you can, with the remainder of the time you have left on this earth. God Bless You!

 

[HighLonesome]

I think everyone that has lost their spouse would at some point get lonely. I thought I would care less about getting in a new relationship and/or missing out on sex. It's been 3 years for me, and yes, I get lonely. BUT I am terrified to put my heart out there again, should another man become interested in me. I believe that if I had been the one to die first, my husband would probably already have someone new in his life. I wouldn't fault him for that, it's just who he was. I think men are different in this respect too. Unfortunately, this is a journey we each have to do on our own. There is no set right way or wrong way to go thru this process. I personally don't think you would be short changing your previous wife because you have changed thru this process of losing her. And if she is with Jesus, she is in a FAR better place than any of us are, and she is happy, and would want you to be happy, the best you can, with the remainder of the time you have left on this earth. God Bless You!

While I agree with some of what you said; please don't sterotype me or any other man who had to watch his wife die from cancer or some other disease into the category that men are different in this respect too . . . you don't know anything about me or my relationship with my late wife. This wasn't a divorce where there was a rejection; I didn't want her to die and she didn't want to die either. How dare you insinuate that men need to run out and find another partner so soon. It devastated me to lose my wife and I still struggle through each day - the last thing I want or need is another relationship to tear me apart. Yes, I am lonely, but quite frankly, the women I have met on this forum or in person can't hold a candle to my late wife. Sooo . . . I leave it in the Lord's hands to bring me someone who is extremely special to replace the very beautiful and special person He gave me first.

 

[Aileen]

My experience in this area is that when 27 I married a 30 yr old widower.

I sense the grief and loneliness that a couple of you widowers are still going through. It´s not easy. The grief process is different for each person. A site like this is a great help as it helps you know that there are some others who do understand what you´re going through.

If you are still going through the grief process it isn´t time yet to think of forming a steady relationship with another woman. It isn´t fair to her.

Every blessing to all.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

While I agree with some of what you said; please don't sterotype me or any other man who had to watch his wife die from cancer or some other disease into the category that men are different in this respect too . . . you don't know anything about me or my relationship with my late wife. This wasn't a divorce where there was a rejection; I didn't want her to die and she didn't want to die either. How dare you insinuate that men need to run out and find another partner so soon. It devastated me to lose my wife and I still struggle through each day - the last thing I want or need is another relationship to tear me apart. Yes, I am lonely, but quite frankly, the women I have met on this forum or in person can't hold a candle to my late wife. Sooo . . . I leave it in the Lord's hands to bring me someone who is extremely special to replace the very beautiful and special person He gave me first.

Listen....I am SOOOO sorry that you feel that I was insinuating ANYTHING about you or your situation with your wife. I didn't want my husband to die either. HE would probably have another person in his life by now. I DID know him and I do know other men like him. I didn't even mean it in a negative way at all! I would be happy for him, if the tables were turned and he had someone else. It's quite different for me though. You are absolutely right, I don't know you or anything about you or your situation now, or before your wife's death. I never claimed to, nor would I. Each of us has our own journey from losing our spouse, and each of us will do things differently. AND THAT IS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE AND OK. It's not fair that our spouses died, but my mom used to always ask me "Whoever told you life was fair?". Even though I don't understand why he was taken so young....I still know and believe that God has a plan for my life (and yours too) and I am comforted by the fact that someday I will see my husband again, and he won't be sick, and he won't be in pain, and neither will I at that point. I am very sorry that I offended you in any way, that certainly would never be my intention in this forum. I am sorry for your pain too. May God help you through this difficult time in your life.

 

[moviegal]

I dont have all answers, but according to my stephens ministry book here are a few things it says,
one, love doesnt' die, people do.
two- death ends a life but not always a relationship
3- a loved ones relationship doesnt really end,
just changes, it says we dont disconnect
with our loves one, just reconnect in a different way,
perhaps that is where you are, you want the companionship of another woman, but are still
dealing with grief...and therefore let go of her in
a physical sense , because we acknowlege that
they are gone, but still emotinally we hold on to
him or her - spiritually and emotinally , does that
make sense? it did to me, its probably why
I dont connect with men other than friendship,
i sitll love my spouse, and cant be ready yet
even though I am lonely, it also says my
journey is unique as yours is. So we dont completely
let go,thats okay, because thoughts, memories
and missing them means love is more powerful
than death, they remain cherished to us even
after they physically die, and are with the Lord.
So what you are going through is normal,
and maybe it will take time to realize the journey
from the heart to the head, part, we know
the loved one is gone, and feelings remain,
and thats all they simply are, feelings,
and its okay to feel this way.
right now you are where you are in your feelings,
and maybe that will change given time,
but thats the key, to give yourself all the time
you need to grieve...and most men , I think
do hold their feelings in, because of the way
they have been taught, so maybe its time
to journal them down, so you get them all
out, of what you really feel, and one way
to journel is coming here and posting,
nothing wrong with that!
remember to every thing there is a season
and were all still in a season of change,
it was not by choice that we had to make
that we began this journey, but by faith
we go forward, the changes that we have
to deal with, sometimes we self condemn
ourselves for not being further along,
and God says there is no condemnation for
those in Christ Jesus! small steps, like making
friends, instead of looking for a permament new
relationship is probably the best way to go
at church or out an about, talking to other
women in brief conversations, rather then feeling
forced to make a commitment is better,
little by little, in moderation rather than all at once,
a new relationship after having such a good
one is hard, and rather than making the pressure
on you to have it, give over to God to provide
ask him in prayer to send friends to be friends
with, to talk and pray with, to maybe go
to bible study and get to know others
rather than making a big step, the feelings
of isolation is partly from our grief, but also
we tend to pull away, a little involvement
will be okay to start, daily walks or hellos
might be a startin point, then jumping
in all the way, like walking on water, we sink
if we let go of our faith, or like the deciple
say wash all of me, then just my feet,
so getting your feet wet would be better
than jumping in all the way, especially since
you loved your wife so much, and all husbands
and wives get busy, and are not there all the way
for each other all the time, its just life,
give yourself credit that you loved one woman
and now she is gone, that you were faithful
and loving when you could be, none of us
are ever 100 perfect, then we would be Jesus!
dont feel rushed to change , just do it when
you are ready, you have to remember what it
was like when you first met your wife,
and dating didnt happen all at once, it happen
over a period of time, going slow is key
especially after what you have been thru..
god bless
moviegal

 

[Hisbygrace]

Good Morning (and a beautiful one it is!)

It has been 13 months since my dear wife passed, and recently I have found myself once again longing for a woman's companionship. I recognize this is a natural need, but at the same time I need to be honest with myself. I still harbor a lot of guilt about not being a "perfect" husband (I don't think I was a bad husband, just not as attentive as I should have been) and feel that, if I was to enter a relationship with someone and give my all, applying what I have learned, and become a better mate than I was before, that I would be shortchanging Donna because of what she had missed. She deserved my absolute best, better than what she got, and it's not fair that I would be giving that to someone else. Does that make sense? Perhaps it's crazy to think that way... Thinking about the lost opportunities really saddens me. I know I shouldn't think about that but I really can't help it. I wonder if it's normal to feel this way...?

~UncleD

Hi UncleD, I can understand very well what you are feeling and the thoughts you are having. I don't find them crazy. They are indeed very normal. I too get really lonely sometimes, but God just hasn't brought anyone into my life yet and it has been nearly six years. I too look back and see ways I could have been a beter wife, but we can't dwell on those times. What we can do is move on as changed people having learned from our past. God bless you my friend and may He lead you where He would have you to be.

 

[Hisbygrace]

While I agree with some of what you said; please don't sterotype me or any other man who had to watch his wife die from cancer or some other disease into the category that men are different in this respect too . . . you don't know anything about me or my relationship with my late wife. This wasn't a divorce where there was a rejection; I didn't want her to die and she didn't want to die either. How dare you insinuate that men need to run out and find another partner so soon. It devastated me to lose my wife and I still struggle through each day - the last thing I want or need is another relationship to tear me apart. Yes, I am lonely, but quite frankly, the women I have met on this forum or in person can't hold a candle to my late wife. Sooo . . . I leave it in the Lord's hands to bring me someone who is extremely special to replace the very beautiful and special person He gave me first.

God bless my friend

 

[Katie 11]

Good Morning (and a beautiful one it is!)

It has been 13 months since my dear wife passed, and recently I have found myself once again longing for a woman's companionship. I recognize this is a natural need, but at the same time I need to be honest with myself. I still harbor a lot of guilt about not being a "perfect" husband (I don't think I was a bad husband, just not as attentive as I should have been) and feel that, if I was to enter a relationship with someone and give my all, applying what I have learned, and become a better mate than I was before, that I would be shortchanging Donna because of what she had missed. She deserved my absolute best, better than what she got, and it's not fair that I would be giving that to someone else. Does that make sense? Perhaps it's crazy to think that way... Thinking about the lost opportunities really saddens me. I know I shouldn't think about that but I really can't help it. I wonder if it's normal to feel this way...?

~UncleD

This is my first day on the forum and I am just looking to see what the forum offers....I love it , it is great.....I ran across this post and felt like I should answer it.....I have been a widow for over 2 years and there is times that it seems like just yesterday.....You know I think that we all have regrets and feel some kind of guilt, because we just feel inadequate when it comes to being the best mate we can be....No matter how hard we try we always feel like there must have been something else we could have done. I think it is human nature to go back and try to think of something we didn't do, or change some of the things we did do....I'm sure your wife knew you loved her......It's always easier to forgive someone else than to forgive ourselves. I think sometimes we just need to let it go, and let God do the healing for us....I think sometimes we hinder him, because we have our hands on the situation instead of putting it in his hands.....He is a healing God spiritually and physically....I know God has the situation under control so just Let him fill you with peace, your his child and he loves you.

Blessings
Katie 11

 

[oceanette]

Good Morning,
I just joined yesterday and came across your message this morning. My husband was on Hospice 6 mos prior to his passing. He shared alot of regrets about how he wished he could have been a better husband. We had our trials-some very painful at the time but we stuck it out together and that made our bond even stronger. I kept reassuring him that even though we had some rocky times- we were married 31 yrs , the overall percentage of our marriage was high in terms of happiness vs unhappy times and I believed that satisfied his guilt, regrets etc. It was the quality of our relationship that outweighed the other. Your wife loved you and stayed with you because you loved her and made her happy. Hope that helps-later...