Long distance relationship trouble, help?

[skysthelimit]

Hello everyone! Thanks for taking a look. I'll be brief so you don't have to read a wall of text Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months now. We both met in college but I was a senior and she was a sophomore. I graduated in May and left to go back home (which is about a 3 day drive away) and she still has 2 years left. We talk on skype all the time, but she is persistently crying all the time saying she misses me and she needs me and she wants to quit school and come to me. I know this isn't the Lord's will for her life and I know that I have to work and pay off student loan debt, so we have to keep this LDR for about 2 years.

My problem is all of the sadness. God tells us to be a joyous people and I'm always watching comedy shows, joking around, and laughing with people. My girlfriend is also happy until I moved away, now she's always sad and it's bothering my soul because I can't handle all of this sadness day after day.

What should I do? Are there Bible verses I can tell her that might cheer her up? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Please help, and thanks again for reading

 

[mattybartholomew]

Do you see yourself marrying this girl?

Is there a school she could transfer to that is closer to you?

 

[Melethiel]

Tell her you miss her too, and remind her that it's only a couple years. And then just distract her; talk about other stuff. Make sure you visit her often.

But believe me, you're not going to make the sadness go away completely. I'm currently in an LDR which will likely last 5 years, and I've often been in her position.

 

[skysthelimit]

Thanks for the reply's. Yes we both already know that we're eventually getting married, but she needs to finish school first and I have to get rid of my student loans before we can take that next step. Unfortunately she can't come closer because this school is where she's planted in and she's only got 2 years left =(

Mel I try to do those things a lot, and for the most part we're happy when we talk, but then after a while she'll start to break down after we're done talking about our day and I try to encourage her. If you've been in her boat before, how did you deal with it? It's very expensive to go and visit her but I am in august for 5 days, hoping that helps.

 

[Luther073082]

I would suggest her looking at transferring to a school that is closer to where you live. Either that or you finding work that is closer to where she is in school.

Its a good idea to pay off the student loan debts. However it may be good to use some money to see her occasionally.

My wife and I when we where dating and engaged lived 1000 miles away and made time to see eachother at least once every 2 months.

Good luck.

 

[gzt]

Christians aren't always supposed to be "happy" and such. Look at the Psalms: there are a lot of laments. Remember the Bible verse: "Jesus wept." The Christian life is full of pain and sorrow. You should consider trying to find a job closer to her, though. Being a three day drive away for two years is going to be hard.

 

[citizenthom]

Thanks for the reply's. Yes we both already know that we're eventually getting married, but she needs to finish school first and I have to get rid of my student loans before we can take that next step.

That's a rather ridiculous standard IMO. If you have a GOOD job it takes ten years to teach loan forgiveness. Meanwhile you're both paying for your living expenses separately when you could be combining them. Furthermore, it is a lot easier for married people to get gainful employment in this economy, because employers (rightly) perceive them as more stable and more grounded. You're not doing yourself any economic favors by waiting.

If you are going to marry this girl, it is cruel and irrational to sit around waiting. Either get moving or let her go.

 

[skysthelimit]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I greatly appreciate it We're talking about how to work things out and I think we'll figure something out soon that can make the situation better. God bless

 

[gzt]

Seriously, if you wait to pay off student loans, as somebody said, that's likely 10 years. There's nothing wrong with waiting 10 years to pay student loans, but putting your life on hold for it is not the best idea. Exception: you're paying like 800/month and you majored in English. Then you really need to hole up for a couple years and take every cent you can make and put it toward your loans, at least 10k each year.

 

[skysthelimit]

My current situation is I'm staying at home, so my life expenses are practically nonexistent as my mom pays the bills, so I'm using the vast majority of my pay towards student loans. I figured out that it will take me about a year and a half to pay them off if I live at home while she's going to school, which is sort of why I'm in this predicament being so far away. It's not 10 years like you are suggesting, my loans aren't that substantial. I'm still looking into other options, but that's the gameplan for now until something else comes along I appreciate the help. We talked last night and I'm going to try to visit her occasionally throughout the year which will help a lot, even if it's expensive because it's worth it. Hopefully I can find more/better work here (bad job economy) and pay the loans off even quicker, God has been good to me so far.

 

[Luther073082]

My current situation is I'm staying at home, so my life expenses are practically nonexistent as my mom pays the bills, so I'm using the vast majority of my pay towards student loans. I figured out that it will take me about a year and a half to pay them off if I live at home while she's going to school, which is sort of why I'm in this predicament being so far away. It's not 10 years like you are suggesting, my loans aren't that substantial. I'm still looking into other options, but that's the gameplan for now until something else comes along I appreciate the help. We talked last night and I'm going to try to visit her occasionally throughout the year which will help a lot, even if it's expensive because it's worth it. Hopefully I can find more/better work here (bad job economy) and pay the loans off even quicker, God has been good to me so far.

Here is my thought. . . Look for days off that you have in common with her. . . like memorial day, labor day and the like. Put away some of that money that you are paying on your loans and use it to see eachother. Even if its only for a couple of days.

Look its great that you are paying off your student loans. You have a very good financial plan and it will help in the future. BUT its also worth it to perhaps extend the amount of time you are paying them off in order to see this girl and keep up your relationship with her. Trust me you would be far happier paying these loans off in 3 years or even 5 years and married with the one you love then you would be having it all paid off but losing the one you love because she just could no longer continue in a LDR where she never saw you.

It helps on multiple levels. First of all you see eachother which helps. But also what helps is knowing when you are going to visit again the next time. One thing that helped me and my wife while we where apart was having that day in the next 2 months that we could look forward to seeing one another again. It helps a lot knowing that you just have to get through 2 more months or so.

 

[Melethiel]

I second that. A LDR where you never see each other is unsustainable. My boyfriend and I try to see each other every 2-3 months and all holidays, and it's worth the cost, knowing when you're going to see each other next.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Hello everyone! Thanks for taking a look. I'll be brief so you don't have to read a wall of text Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months now. We both met in college but I was a senior and she was a sophomore. I graduated in May and left to go back home (which is about a 3 day drive away) and she still has 2 years left. We talk on skype all the time, but she is persistently crying all the time saying she misses me and she needs me and she wants to quit school and come to me. I know this isn't the Lord's will for her life and I know that I have to work and pay off student loan debt, so we have to keep this LDR for about 2 years.

My problem is all of the sadness. God tells us to be a joyous people and I'm always watching comedy shows, joking around, and laughing with people. My girlfriend is also happy until I moved away, now she's always sad and it's bothering my soul because I can't handle all of this sadness day after day.

What should I do? Are there Bible verses I can tell her that might cheer her up? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Please help, and thanks again for reading

Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't handle her expressing emotions other than happiness. She's human, and sometimes she is going to be sad. It is a perfectly healthy thing to miss someone you love. She is grieving over the change.

 

[freeland]

After having being in the same boat for 2 years I can say it's not as bad as it as it sounds, especially when you start getting into your final years it goes past very quickly. What I would say though is that you make sure you speak to each other, visit as much as you can reasonably afford and always make time for each other even if your schedules are really busy.

I should probably mention I'm no longer going out as we split in Feb after 2 years of long distance (UK and Canada) given that I had to work in the UK and she was in Canada needing to study more, and the timing wasn't right. However that doesn't mean that it can't work, you just need to make sure you both make time to keep talking to each other. You can always find time for those who need it.

The pain of being away from each other does ease to an extent, as you learn what to expect, and how to deal with it, although it never really goes away. You just learn to cope.

What I would say, speaking from experience is that if the communication level drops below what you might consider to be reasonable for LD .i.e. Skype every couple of days, and maybe some texts in between times then you should sit back and reassess your position, almost review how your getting on ever 3 months and tell each other how your feeling and what you are planning for the future. It could be that things change for both or one of you, and there's no point in dragging something out if it's not going to work. Sounds harsh I know, but just keep on top of the relationship and you'll be grand.

One final piece of advice is that you should both try and set some firm date in the future that you'll be finished and within 2 hours or so of each other so you can see each other more. I went into a LDR without setting anything in stone, or having an end date to look forward to which I think made things difficult for both of us.

Hope that is of some use.

 

[skysthelimit]

Thanks everyone. God bless all of you We worked some things out and we're going to be ok with our new arrangements. Thanks for the education as well, since I've never been in a LDR so I needed to hear these experiences.

 

[DrSteve]

This isn't the answer you want to read, but hear me out: I think it's best for you to split up and find partners close to where you live. This is the voice of experience here; I've been in an almost identical situation.

Started dating a woman during my junior year of college. She was a senior, and left our college town after graduation. During my senior year, she was an hour away and then we lived together during the summer before I started graduate school. That moved me three hours away from her. When I got my first job, I was only two hours away. However, that job disappeared and I got a job in another state, and we were separated by an eight-hour drive.

It was very difficult to make this work. My moving very far away - and the stress associated with it - just killed the relationship. And, we were just like the OP - we wanted to get married to each other (or at least thought we did). I even gave her a promise ring.

Problem is, we each were quietly expecting the other person to move, so we'd both be together in the same town. When neither one of us was willing to do so, it was becoming painfully clear this had no future at all.

It's hard to long for someone and live for the weekend when you can travel and see each other. And, in the back of your mind as you're having fun, you know that you have to say goodbye and it's painful.

So much easier to be dating someone in the same town as you. About two years after we split up, I met someone who lived in the same neighborhood as me. I went from an eight-hour drive to a four-minute drive. In fact, sometimes I would walk to her place, and it would only take me 20 minutes.

In case you're wondering how that turned out - we've been married almost six years and we have a beautiful son who's more than a year old. The relationship has issues (everyone's marriage does), but overall things are good and it was great to not have to ride the long-distance relationship roller coaster a second time.

 

[Avaitor]

I myself went from a LDR, to an Seconds away relationship, then due to running out of money, back to a LDR where I am now for a MAX of two years (depends if I can get another job and such)

Anyway, what the last guy mentions is neither person was willing to move, and that is why it couldn't work out. but don't take that as they can't work out, because they can. I'm actually in a worst situation then you (of the details I can only divulge via PM, so ask if you want to know) but I know my girlfriend and I can make it work. It's all about how dedicated you two are and how much you really mean to each other.

A quick piece of advice though, a gift of an extra large teddy bear apparently works really well.... just a though.