Living with parents after marriage? Good or bad idea?

[Mizzcriss]

Hi! I know this is an area for married couples but I would really like some advice FROM married couples so I hope I can post this question here

My fiance (32) and I (24) are getting married soon. I still live with at home with my parents and he has lived on his own since the age of 16. My parents have graciously offered to let us live with them for about $500 a month so that we can get some money saved up. I'm in grad school working part time and my fiance works full time. Between both of our incomes, we could save $1000-$1300 or more living with them. This is obviously a very tempting offer for both of us and we quickly agreed.

But surprisingly, last week we told our premarital counseling pastor about our plans and he doesn't think it's a good idea at all for several reasons. A couple reasons were, it will be difficult or impossible to properly bond as husband and wife both physically and emotionally and my fiance will not be able to learn to be the head of his household because there already is one, my dad :-/

Since then I've been completely torn about this. My mom thinks it will be fine because it's a cultural norm, my dad is on the fence but is okay with it and everybody else I talk to (not to mention everything I read online) says it's a horrible idea. My fiance says he doesn't think there will be issues but part of me feels he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

So married couples, is this a good or bad idea? Has anybody ever done this and if so, what was the outcome?

 

[akmom]

My husband and I started out in our own apartment, and I'm so glad.

That said, later into our marriage we moved back to my hometown in pursuit of a job, and stayed with my parents while we looked for a new place. I had a good relationship with my parents, and actually lived with them right up until the day I was married. I stayed in dorms during college, but lived at home during all but one summer. So I thought it would be fine. It wasn't.

Two weeks later, we moved out, when the first apartment became available. It wasn't even a good one, but we needed our space. My mom thought she was being helpful, but she was really controlling. "I ran your bathwater for you." (I didn't want to take a bath right now.) "I made dinner. Come eat, now." (We had our own plans for dinner, and I am not hungry.) "Oh I see you are not busy. You must be bored. Here, come do this and that." We just couldn't relax! Also, we had a baby at the time, and my parents didn't like her to cry at night. So I was expected to wake up promptly and feed her until she fell asleep. Which prevented me from sleep-training her, and left me exhausted all day. (It's hard to appreciate this scenario until you have kids. But feeding a baby every time they fuss is generally counter-productive in the long run, and leads to babies who cannot keep themselves asleep for more than an hour.)

We were warned about it in premarital counseling too, but I thought I knew my parents and our family dynamics. But it really isn't the same when you're married! It is so important to establish your own family dynamics and autonomy when you first start out. It is also a great bonding experience. Don't let your parents rob you of that, no matter how well-meaning or money-saving. (My parents were well-meaning too, and obviously we would have saved a lot of money remaining there.) I can't imagine what would have happened if we started out that way. It might have become "normal," and deprived us of that push to be out on our own (with all the sacrifices, hard work and compromise that involves).

If you're living under a bridge worrying about your next meal, then by all means turn to family. But if you can possibly make it on your own, I think you should try. Getting through hard times together makes for a good marriage.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

It really depends on many factors. Such as your cultural background for one. In my wifes culture you live at home. You can move out if you want of course.

The most important factor is what are your parents like? If you have controlling in snooping parents then it will be an issue. If you have loving parents that respect your a married couple then its ok. Obviously it breaks down into other question from there. It does save money and in this economy many have moved back home with their spouse. As for your consular was he christian? I only ask because sometimes worldly consulars are more weird about it then the christian one.


I'd say hopefully before you move to your parents you should have some idea of what its like on your own sow hen the time comes to be in your own place you know what to do. Even though I lived at home my whole life, my parents still taught me things as if I was on my own. And in many cases left me to pay the bills for them just to see if I could remember when a bill was due, how much...etc.

My wife and I will live at home and if the money she makes is good enough we may move out for awhile. In the end the house my parents own will be ours so at least its one less thing to worry about. My parents are the exception not the rule though with how caring they are. They never invade my privacy. Never treat me like a child. But being disabled there are somethings obviously I cannot do on my own such as drive. So I need them for that, until my wife drives of course.

I'll be honest, in america people tend to say its a bad idea because in america we are raised with at 18 you need to go live on your own. But in alot of other countries its the opposite. Staying at home is normal an seen as a family value. Everyone takes care of everyone. Her one family member has 5 generations living under one roof. And about 5 generations living in the same small village.

If anything the mother found it strange and a bit offensive when my mother (there for our wedding) told her mother at 18 people leave home here. She didn't understand it. They don't even believe in nursing homes and also see it as offensive. But like I said its a cultural thing. If you want to see what its like you can always live at home for awhile. If you feels its not working out then simply move out. It varies for each person and their family.

 

[seeingeyes]

Hi! I know this is an area for married couples but I would really like some advice FROM married couples so I hope I can post this question here

My fiance (32) and I (24) are getting married soon. I still live with at home with my parents and he has lived on his own since the age of 16. My parents have graciously offered to let us live with them for about $500 a month so that we can get some money saved up. I'm in grad school working part time and my fiance works full time. Between both of our incomes, we could save $1000-$1300 or more living with them. This is obviously a very tempting offer for both of us and we quickly agreed.

But surprisingly, last week we told our premarital counseling pastor about our plans and he doesn't think it's a good idea at all for several reasons. A couple reasons were, it will be difficult or impossible to properly bond as husband and wife both physically and emotionally and my fiance will not be able to learn to be the head of his household because there already is one, my dad :-/

Since then I've been completely torn about this. My mom thinks it will be fine because it's a cultural norm, my dad is on the fence but is okay with it and everybody else I talk to (not to mention everything I read online) says it's a horrible idea. My fiance says he doesn't think there will be issues but part of me feels he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

So married couples, is this a good or bad idea? Has anybody ever done this and if so, what was the outcome?

My husband and I rented from my parents for about a year. We had an entirely separate area upstairs from them, though (separate kitchen/bath/front door even though it was the same house). We got along fine and respected each other's space. Even still, my husband couldn't wait to get the heck out of there.

If you this, you must be prepared to live with very strict boundaries. You can't be a "kid" anymore. You can't leave your dishes in the sink or roll your eyes at your mother, you have to keep to the rules of the house as a renter, not a daughter. Get the ground rules laid out, in writing, well before the wedding. You must show enormous respect for your parents space so that they will see to respect your space as well.

Also, you must be prepared to be a strong advocate for your husband, ready to take his side even against your own parents.

It's not an impossible idea, but it will take more emotional work than getting your own place, and you need to decide if that's worth the money you'll save.

God bless

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Hi! I know this is an area for married couples but I would really like some advice FROM married couples so I hope I can post this question here

My fiance (32) and I (24) are getting married soon. I still live with at home with my parents and he has lived on his own since the age of 16. My parents have graciously offered to let us live with them for about $500 a month so that we can get some money saved up. I'm in grad school working part time and my fiance works full time. Between both of our incomes, we could save $1000-$1300 or more living with them. This is obviously a very tempting offer for both of us and we quickly agreed.

But surprisingly, last week we told our premarital counseling pastor about our plans and he doesn't think it's a good idea at all for several reasons. A couple reasons were, it will be difficult or impossible to properly bond as husband and wife both physically and emotionally and my fiance will not be able to learn to be the head of his household because there already is one, my dad :-/

Since then I've been completely torn about this. My mom thinks it will be fine because it's a cultural norm, my dad is on the fence but is okay with it and everybody else I talk to (not to mention everything I read online) says it's a horrible idea. My fiance says he doesn't think there will be issues but part of me feels he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

So married couples, is this a good or bad idea? Has anybody ever done this and if so, what was the outcome?

100% bad idea.

 

[Odetta]

I would not recommend it.

First, you say your dad is on the fence but OK with it. He's either OK or not OK. If he's saying he's on the fence, I would take that to mean he's not OK with it, but doesn't want to say anything because everyone else seems to be OK with it.

Second, you will be having sex with your husband in the house where your mom and DAD live. What if the bed squeaks? Are you Ok with your parents (your Dad in particular) to knowing when you're having sex? I mean it's one thing to know it's going to happen in general (and even hope to get grandkids out of the deal); but it's another to know it's happening right then.

Third, you and your soon-to-be husband need to learn how to stand on your own four feet. If that means it takes longer to save up for whatever goal you have - and interestingly enough, you don't mention that you have a specific goal with an end date in mind, such as buying a house in 6 months, etc. - then so be it. You will have the joy of knowing you did that together. By yourselves.

On a side note, if your parents are wanting to specifically help y'all out financially, the other alternative is for you two to live on your own, and your parents give you money. Even that, though, does not allow you to stand on your own feet. However, I've seen a number of examples whereby parents gift their children with money towards a downpayment on a house, for instance - basically a one-time financial push to help you achieve an independence goal of having your own place.

Fourth, you and your-soon-to-be husband need to learn how to stand on your own four feet not just financially. The newly wed time period is a period where you will be establishing marital relationship patterns that will last your whole life (unless you develop bad patterns and get significant intervention to re-make them at the cost of much emotional hardship).

When my husband and I married, we had an apartment to ourselves, but lived in the same city. It was bad enough at that. He finally had to tell his mom that he could no longer talk with her 10 times a day, like he used to do when he lived at home with them. Even just living in the same city, it was hard to maintain boundaries with them. After six months we moved across country, and that was the best thing we ever did, because we had to figure out how to make things work on our own.

Four years later, we decided to move back to our original city (we had a child by then and wanted to be closer to grandparents), and took them up on their offer to live with them until we could find jobs, buy a house, etc. We lived with them for 9 months. And it was stressful. Very stressful. Even though we had boundaries. It's just hard when you have to enforce them.

Plus for you in particular, since you still live at home, you need to have that change of moving out from your parent's house into the place you share with your husband, for your own sake. It's not going to be as easy cutting those apron strings if you're still under their roof. Also, I don't know if their offer is really so much of them wanting to help you two out financially, as it is may be an unconscious difficulty they have with letting you go.

Those are just my opinions, anyway.

 

[akmom]

CounselorForChrist, are you Freakazoid??

My husband and I rented from my parents for about a year. We had an entirely separate area upstairs from them, though (separate kitchen/bath/front door even though it was the same house).

This is a good distinction. I think it might be okay to rent from parents if you had your own living space, kitchen and bathroom. Then you're responsible for your own meals and housekeeping, and can spend time alone without being isolated to a bedroom. It's much different when you are actually sharing facilities. That said, it's not ideal, because there's that close proximity and potential for parental influence, and of course their role as a landlord is going to be different than if you were negotiating business with a real landlord. But it might be okay as a temporary situation.

Come to think of it, if you're paying $500/month rent, I'd hope you did have your own separate unit. Even if that's lower than the going rate for rent, it's kind of a rip-off if you're just living in the same house. A cheap, efficiency apartment would be better.

On a side note, if your parents are wanting to specifically help y'all out financially, the other alternative is for you two to live on your own, and your parents give you money. Even that, though, does not allow you to stand on your own feet. However, I've seen a number of examples whereby parents gift their children with money towards a downpayment on a house, for instance - basically a one-time financial push to help you achieve an independence goal of having your own place.

I don't know about this. When we put a down payment on our house, we had to provide bank statements showing where we got the money. They wanted evidence of sound financial history before they'd approve the mortgage. There was a limit to how much of the down payment could be "random money" from relatives, prizes, or odd jobs. Lenders have an interest in knowing that you can pull this off in the long run. In fact, some mortgage assistance programs advertise that you're allowed X amount of contribution from an employer to help with your down payment (though I don't know why an employer would bother). Because "gift money" is typically not accepted in the loan approval process.

Plus for you in particular, since you still live at home, you need to have that change of moving out from your parent's house into the place you share with your husband, for your own sake. It's not going to be as easy cutting those apron strings if you're still under their roof.

This! The fact that you haven't lived on your own yet (like me) makes it all the more important to start off marriage on your own. The fact that your husband has lived on his own (as did mine) might put strain on your relationship too, as he acquiesces some freedoms he is used to, which might not seem like a big deal to you because you're used to living with your parents.

 

[Mizzcriss]

Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate everybody's responses. Everybody has pretty much vocalized my fears and given me a good perspective. I'm really afraid that I won't be able to make the emotional shift from being a "daughter" to a "wife" if I don't move out. The more I think about it, I also don't think it's a good idea anymore.

The problem is that we've already told them we were gonna do it. I didn't have any fears until the last minute and if we don't move in with my parents, they will HAVE to move out of this place and get something smaller/cheaper. So on one hand I not only feel guilty that they might have go through all of this just because we changed or minds at the last minute, but on the other hand, I feel a little upset that their decision to stay here or move was based on us in the first place because it put us in a bad situation.

My mom, at this point, would very upset and hurt if we changed our minds, so I've been trying to think of any way that we could make this work for maybe just a year. I know some people have already given some good tips on how to make it work if we HAVE to do it. But does any one else have any advice?

 

[seeingeyes]

Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate everybody's responses. Everybody has pretty much vocalized my fears and given me a good perspective. I'm really afraid that I won't be able to make the emotional shift from being a "daughter" to a "wife" if I don't move out. The more I think about it, I also don't think it's a good idea anymore.

The problem is that we've already told them we were gonna do it. I didn't have any fears until the last minute and if we don't move in with my parents, they will HAVE to move out of this place and get something smaller/cheaper. So on one hand I not only feel guilty that they might have go through all of this just because we changed or minds at the last minute, but on the other hand, I feel a little upset that their decision to stay here or move was based on us in the first place because it put us in a bad situation.

My mom, at this point, would very upset and hurt if we changed our minds, so I've been trying to think of any way that we could make this work for maybe just a year. I know some people have already given some good tips on how to make it work if we HAVE to do it. But does any one else have any advice?

As an adult, you have to sit down with your parents and say all of this. Let them know your reservations, let them know that you would feel guilty if x, put it all out on the table.

 

[Mizzcriss]

AkMom, it is $500 for a room and then any utility overages we would have to pay. Truthfully, there are studio apartments close by that are only $600/$650 a month, and the utlitilies in such a small apartment would probably not be more than $500.

I honestly just want to find a way out of this agreement and just get our own place but I don't know how to get out of it at this point without damaging relationships :-(

 

[razzelflabben]

Hi! I know this is an area for married couples but I would really like some advice FROM married couples so I hope I can post this question here

My fiance (32) and I (24) are getting married soon. I still live with at home with my parents and he has lived on his own since the age of 16. My parents have graciously offered to let us live with them for about $500 a month so that we can get some money saved up. I'm in grad school working part time and my fiance works full time. Between both of our incomes, we could save $1000-$1300 or more living with them. This is obviously a very tempting offer for both of us and we quickly agreed.

But surprisingly, last week we told our premarital counseling pastor about our plans and he doesn't think it's a good idea at all for several reasons. A couple reasons were, it will be difficult or impossible to properly bond as husband and wife both physically and emotionally and my fiance will not be able to learn to be the head of his household because there already is one, my dad :-/

Since then I've been completely torn about this. My mom thinks it will be fine because it's a cultural norm, my dad is on the fence but is okay with it and everybody else I talk to (not to mention everything I read online) says it's a horrible idea. My fiance says he doesn't think there will be issues but part of me feels he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

So married couples, is this a good or bad idea? Has anybody ever done this and if so, what was the outcome?

our experience was not so much by choice as it was circumstance. We have lived as married in both of our parents homes. Once with children. I will not say it cannot work, but I will say that from our experience making things work is tremendously more difficult and I do understand your marriage counselors concerns. Having alone time, needing to learn to leave and cleave, establishing the rules and boundaries of your own home, even when the fights come and you want to settle them without everyone butting in can be very tricky. Satan wants to destroy your marriage, that is a given, the first few years often set the tone for the rest of your lives, use them wisely. Even learning to budget can be a harder thing when living with your parents. But...after having to do it ourselves, we are 27 years this Aug. and still going strong. May you find wisdom from God, grace to endure whatever you choose, and patience, patience, patience to grow into the family that God is calling you to be.

 

[akmom]

Oh Mizzcriss, that is whole other can of worms!

Your parents cannot be depending on you financially either. That will cause a lot of resentment in your marriage. Did they just move into this apartment with the understanding that you'd be paying half the rent? Or have they had it for awhile, and are just now starting to struggle financially? Unless they have just signed onto a new lease, I think coming forward with your concerns soon is important. Perhaps you can spare them from signing onto that lease beforehand, or give them a heads-up that it might be time to look for a new place.

You said your dad was on the fence about it. Then that's who you should approach first, privately. Talk about your concerns and encourage him to voice his. And then let him know that after careful consideration and talking to your premarriage counselor, you don't think this is a healthy idea and you plan to find your own place. Because he's on the fence, he is the best advocate for you in talking to your mom about the change in plans.

But the fact is, they should not be depending on their newly-wed daughter to subsidize their living arrangements. And $500 for a room is, in my opinion, taking advantage of you - especially if the going rate for an efficiency apartment is so similar. Check Craigslist. Room rentals to non-relatives probably go for $200/month-ish. And I doubt your utilities will be $500/month. I pay under $200 in utilities for a three-bedroom house and I do lots of baking!

The feelings of being obligated to your parents will complicate your marriage. I had the same problems. My husband would put his foot down in ways that offended my mom, and I'd be furious, but in the end I realized she was really overstepping her boundaries. It's hard to realize when it's what you're used to (and it's not necessarily overstepping in a parent-child relationship).

 

[seeingeyes]

The feelings of being obligated to your parents will complicate your marriage. I had the same problems. My husband would put his foot down in ways that offended my mom, and I'd be furious, but in the end I realized she was really overstepping her boundaries. It's hard to realize when it's what you're used to (and it's not necessarily overstepping in a parent-child relationship).

This, this, this. If you are already having trouble addressing unspoken "obligations" with your parents, it is surely not going to get better by quietly going along with what you think your mother wants.

Gotta hit this one head on, sister.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

AkMom, it is $500 for a room and then any utility overages we would have to pay. Truthfully, there are studio apartments close by that are only $600/$650 a month, and the utlitilies in such a small apartment would probably not be more than $500.

I honestly just want to find a way out of this agreement and just get our own place but I don't know how to get out of it at this point without damaging relationships :-(

Telling your family "We had a change of heart... We appreciate the offer and we were prepared to accept it, but after thinking about our new marriage, we both decided that the newlywed phase only comes once and we'd like to enjoy it in a space that's ours."

 

[mkgal1]

Telling your family "We had a change of heart... We appreciate the offer and we were prepared to accept it, but after thinking about our new marriage, we both decided that the newlywed phase only comes once and we'd like to enjoy it in a space that's ours."

And.....you could even add that you don't want anything to hinder any of the relationships (and living together is often the *best* way to ruin relationships....no matter how good they were to begin with). It would probably be "cleaner" to back out now than to *have* to move out, because of relational issues later.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I do think in this situation there are issues that are already obvious. In most cases I wouldn't recommend it unless its REALLY talked about in detail and alot to make sure things will be clear. Now that my parents are buying a new house they are looking for one with an inlaw suite. Or one that basically has bedrooms at opposite ends of the house.

Which to me is important because who wants to have their bedroom next to their parents room when your making love. In due time obviously we may get a place of our own. More so since we know my parents house is ours when they pass.

Most people I have seen that talk about moving home seem to have parents who either don't respect their privacy or treat them like children again such as walking into the bedroom to announce dinner is ready. Again I must have lucked out.

CounselorForChrist, are you Freakazoid??

Yep.

 

[Tammy]

I think it would be a big mistake...your parents shouldn't have made their plans to stay at this place, counting on you guys renting from them...you are going to feel obligated....it isn't a good situation...

Just kindly sit down with them and tell them you love them, but you have reconsidered and you want to give your marriage the best possible start...and with the advise of your marriage counselor and other friends, you have come to this decision.

You will greatly regret it, if you stay there with them....

 

[DannLeavitt]

For new marriages, living with your parents is by far the worst idea ever, with few exceptions.

I would say that is because one of you is going to know the parents better... You know your parents better and they know you better than your spouse. You need to be on your own and able to start your own traditions and do things your own way.

Sometimes, parents are really uninvolved and cool about things, and that MAY work, but even then, I would only do so if absolutely necessary.

 

[razzelflabben]

AkMom, it is $500 for a room and then any utility overages we would have to pay. Truthfully, there are studio apartments close by that are only $600/$650 a month, and the utlitilies in such a small apartment would probably not be more than $500.

I honestly just want to find a way out of this agreement and just get our own place but I don't know how to get out of it at this point without damaging relationships :-(

prayer for wisdom, grace, and truth to prevail.

 

[Jake and Jenn]

Not a good idea. Especially starting out. The bible tells us to leave our parents when married for good reason.