Living with an undiagnosed Aspergers

[GeekWriter]

I care for my father, who is retired. I'm almost positive he has Aspergers. Living with him is extremely frustrating for me. There's no way I can meet his standards, and half the time, I'm not sure even what they are.

He melts down about everything from changing an ingredient in a recipe (I have food allergies) to the internet going down. He complains that I never do anything (which isn't true at all), but when I do anything, he criticizes it and only talks about how I get everything wrong. He's not diagnosed, and he self-medicates with alcohol and always has, which makes his attitude worse.

I want to be supportive, but I don't know how to help him. I'm tired and frustrated, and worried he's starting to go senile, which, in my grandfather's case, made him nearly impossible to manage. They went through several nursing homes because nobody wanted to have my grandfather.

 

[Sabertooth]

I am the guardian/caregiver of my autistic 18yo daughter (and I have Aspergers, myself). See if you can locate a county agency to the effect of "Aging & Disability" and share these concerns with them. If they can't help you directly, they may be able to refer you to someone who can.

I have heard that Aspies don't usually get Alzheimers, but I don't know if that holds for senility, in general.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Geek,
That does sound like a tough situation. Another way to consider your situation.

Is he an alcoholic? If you think he is, it might be good for you to go to a few AA meetings and learn about it from their perspective. Also they have some education for those who are relative of alcoholics. I think it would be good for you to learn what material. Probably even if he isn't a full fledged alcoholic.

Also some of your observations of your father sound like some with a very negative attitude more than just AS. People with AS can be positive or negative. AS is more about them having problems expressing emotions(pos or neg) than having negative emotions.

3rd thought, he may be setting such a high standard for you because he is so aware of his own failures and out of love doesn't want you to be where he is. So he pushes you to be a perfectionist, thinking that will keep you from failing they way he has.

So know that God loves you and accepts you as you are. Build a backbone of Christian faith to the point that you can quietly speak to your father while looking him in the eye, No dad, I did a good job with that. No argument, just a statement of fact. Repeat till he gets it.

 

[GeekWriter]

He actually quit drinking for awhile. It didn't really change who he was as far as the symptoms of Asperger's. Drinking makes him more argumentative and more angry. I've gone to AA as a caregiver, and been through some of that. I still suspect the alcohol is his way of medicating himself. He thinks psychology is bunk and would never see a psychiatrist.

I've spoken to him for years, but I am not sure he is able to "get it", so to speak. In my life, I've never heard him once admit to being wrong or rethinking something. It's either his way or you're stupid. My brother, who is very much like him in personality, is capable of rethinking things when you talk to him, and my brother also can improvise and adapt to situations, while my dad can't. My dad just panics if something doesn't go the way he thinks it should or he doesn't know what to do, and then blames everybody else for not doing what he thinks should happen.