Living with a difficult spouse, need advice

Glm2017 · Aug 20, 2017

Whenever my husband and I disagree on something, if he doesn't get his way, he completely shuts off. Sometimes for days at a time. He will only speak to me when absolutely necessary and will not smile or show any sign of love. We've been together for about 4 years so I have tried every different response you could think of. I've tried gently encouraging him to talk, I've tried getting angry and pestering him until he explodes, I've tried giving the silent treatment back. Nothing works. Usually I just have to wait it out until he gets over it. The problem is that I never know how long it's going to be before he's back to normal and he makes everyone in the house miserable in the meantime by walking around with a dark cloud over his head. And the other problem is that this happens over the littlest things, not big arguments. For instance, this happened when I wanted to leave a party early and he didn't. We ended up leaving early but then I paid for it for the next day and a half by getting the silent treatment. I don't believe it's Gods will to get divorced, but this doesn't feel like a healthy relationship to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells trying not to make him upset. He is not a Christian and doesn't take marriage counseling seriously. Has anyone else dealt with a similar personality and found a way to make it work??

Poppyseed78 · Aug 20, 2017

I won't advise you to divorce, but in my experience, a person like this won't change no matter how much you want them to. He sounds like he is very prideful and not considerate of how his actions affect others. Some people would say that hopefully, over time, he realizes the error of his ways and makes your feelings a priority. And maybe he will, or maybe not. I'm sorry that's harsh, but he won't change unless he wants to. You can pray for patience and try to show him forgiveness and grace, but that still may or may not work.

Have you discussed this issue with anyone else in your life? Have you told your husband how the silent treatment makes you feel (at a time when both of you are calm)? What was his response? I would recommend counseling for you to help you deal with this, even if he refuses to attend couples counseling. If your marriage is important to him, he should be willing to go to counseling with you. But it sounds like he is happy with how things are going, and he thinks you are the one with the problem.

I pray that things improve in time.

Glm2017 · Aug 20, 2017

Poppyseed78 said:
I won't advise you to divorce, but in my experience, a person like this won't change no matter how much you want them to. He sounds like he is very prideful and not considerate of how his actions affect others. Some people would say that hopefully, over time, he realizes the error of his ways and makes your feelings a priority. And maybe he will, or maybe not. I'm sorry that's harsh, but he won't change unless he wants to. You can pray for patience and try to show him forgiveness and grace, but that still may or may not work.

Have you discussed this issue with anyone else in your life? Have you told your husband how the silent treatment makes you feel (at a time when both of you are calm)? What was his response? I would recommend counseling for you to help you deal with this, even if he refuses to attend couples counseling. If your marriage is important to him, he should be willing to go to counseling with you. But it sounds like he is happy with how things are going, and he thinks you are the one with the problem.

I pray that things improve in time.

Thank you for your response. I've tried talking to him about it and no matter if the conversation goes good or bad it never changes anything. I've definitely thought about going to counseling by myself just to be able to vent my frustration to someone. I've talked to my parents but they don't know how to help either and then it just makes them upset because they are protective of me. I think your assessment of him is correct and he's not likely to change it's just hard looking forward to a lifetime of this. Maybe in time with more age and experience it will get better as you said.

Hidden In Him · Aug 20, 2017

Glm2017 said:
Has anyone else dealt with a similar personality and found a way to make it work??

I've dealt with a similar personality, but unfortunately I can't tell you I figured out a way to make it work personally. I came to the final assessment that I simply didn't love her enough to break through the barriers she continually put up. But maybe through God's help you can find a way to do so with your husband.

Best wishes.

ValleyGal · Aug 20, 2017

The silent treatment is a manipulative way of gaining control in the family. When the threat of his moodiness is always lingering, people in the family are more likely to give in unless it's something they are willing to "pay for" for days on end. Iow, he will get his way more than anyone else in the family.

You can counter this with really good sense of boundaries. You were both at a party. You wanted to leave early. He wanted to stay. You are not responsible for making the choice for him to leave early; you are responsible for doing what you need to take care of yourself. Next time, let him know that you will be leaving in 20 minutes. He is welcome to come home with you or he can stay at the party; the choice is his. But if he stays at the party, then he needs to be responsible for finding his own way home (if you have the keys to the car) or you can take a taxi or public transit. He can stay there and be happy and you can go home and be happy. Then if he still comes home and pouts (that's what the silent treatment is - feeling sorry for himself), you can recognize that you are not responsible for how he feels or reacts and you can let it go and carry on as though there is nothing wrong. You can take responsible for your own happiness.

Along these same lines, when you have another discussion about his desperate need for control by using silent treatment and the threat of silent treatment, let him know straight up that you refuse to allow his pity parties to negatively affect you and your enjoyment of life. Then go out and live your life happily, and act as though he is not having a pity party.

If you like reading, check out the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Leave the book out so he knows you are reading it, and maybe he will even pick it up and start reading it himself. Here's the thing about boundaries. If he has no self respect, he will likely not respect your boundaries. Setting boundaries is about your behaviour, not his. So brace yourself for further disrespect - unless he does have self respect, in which case you can expect a little resistance at the upset in the family system, but he will adapt and start showing more respect because you won't let him get away with his ungodly treatment of his family.

Glm2017 · Aug 20, 2017

ValleyGal said:
The silent treatment is a manipulative way of gaining control in the family. When the threat of his moodiness is always lingering, people in the family are more likely to give in unless it's something they are willing to "pay for" for days on end. Iow, he will get his way more than anyone else in the family.

You can counter this with really good sense of boundaries. You were both at a party. You wanted to leave early. He wanted to stay. You are not responsible for making the choice for him to leave early; you are responsible for doing what you need to take care of yourself. Next time, let him know that you will be leaving in 20 minutes. He is welcome to come home with you or he can stay at the party; the choice is his. But if he stays at the party, then he needs to be responsible for finding his own way home (if you have the keys to the car) or you can take a taxi or public transit. He can stay there and be happy and you can go home and be happy. Then if he still comes home and pouts (that's what the silent treatment is - feeling sorry for himself), you can recognize that you are not responsible for how he feels or reacts and you can let it go and carry on as though there is nothing wrong. You can take responsible for your own happiness.

Along these same lines, when you have ano.

If you like reading, check out the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Leave the book out so he knows you are reading it, and maybe he will even pick it up and start reading it himself. Here's the thing about boundaries. If he has no self respect, he will likely not respect your boundaries. Setting boundaries is about your behaviour, not his. So brace yourself for further disrespect - unless he does have self respect, in which case you can expect a little resistance at the upset in the family system, but he will adapt and start showing more respect because you won't let him get away with his ungodly treatment of his family.

ValleyGal said:
The silent treatment is a manipulative way of gaining control in the family. When the threat of his moodiness is always lingering, people in the family are more likely to give in unless it's something they are willing to "pay for" for days on end. Iow, he will get his way more than anyone else in the family.

You can counter this with really good sense of boundaries. You were both at a party. You wanted to leave early. He wanted to stay. You are not responsible for making the choice for him to leave early; you are responsible for doing what you need to take care of yourself. Next time, let him know that you will be leaving in 20 minutes. He is welcome to come home with you or he can stay at the party; the choice is his. But if he stays at the party, then he needs to be responsible for finding his own way home (if you have the keys to the car) or you can take a taxi or public transit. He can stay there and be happy and you can go home and be happy. Then if he still comes home and pouts (that's what the silent treatment is - feeling sorry for himself), you can recognize that you are not responsible for how he feels or reacts and you can let it go and carry on as though there is nothing wrong. You can take responsible for your own happiness.

Along these same lines, when you have another discussion about his desperate need for control by using silent treatment and the threat of silent treatment, let him know straight up that you refuse to allow his pity parties to negatively affect you and your enjoyment of life. Then go out and live your life happily, and act as though he is not having a pity party.

If you like reading, check out the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Leave the book out so he knows you are reading it, and maybe he will even pick it up and start reading it himself. Here's the thing about boundaries. If he has no self respect, he will likely not respect your boundaries. Setting boundaries is about your behaviour, not his. So brace yourself for further disrespect - unless he does have self respect, in which case you can expect a little resistance at the upset in the family system, but he will adapt and start showing more respect because you won't let him get away with his ungodly treatment of his family.

thank you for your insight and I will definitely check out that book!

archer75 · Aug 20, 2017

Absolutely see a counselor solo.

actionsub · Aug 20, 2017

My first wife was that way. She'd go through spells where she'd get mad and pull a days-long silent treatment, but when they broke, she was back to being nice and loving.
The last time she pulled it, she broke the silence to tell me she was getting a divorce, and nine months later, I was divorced like it or not.

Aino · Aug 21, 2017

Now I don't habe a perfect marriage, far from it, but I do want to encourage you if possible. And in the meanwhile I try to work on my own problems too, reminding myself of these things as well as others.

I would go and take some counseling by myself if I were you. Don't think it's useless before you've tried it. Seeing someone might give you some perspectives on how to stay sane in your situation, and tools for handling all these difficult situations. A home where you have to walk on eggshells and fear being punished with silent treatment is not a good home to be in and something needs to happen. Good counseling could be a way of venting your frustration and finding ways of improving things. Maybe he won't change unless he's willing to do something about himself but you might be able to live with him with some more ease.

Also, seek help and make some changes while you still can. You might think it's not that bad or sometjing, but if it goes fir the worse, soon things could be so bad you couldn't find the strength and courage to help yourself anymore. If something needs to happen then it's best done now and not in a year or two. God bless you!

Kit Sigmon · Aug 21, 2017

Glm2017 said:
Whenever my husband and I disagree on something, if he doesn't get his way, he completely shuts off. Sometimes for days at a time. He will only speak to me when absolutely necessary and will not smile or show any sign of love. We've been together for about 4 years so I have tried every different response you could think of. I've tried gently encouraging him to talk, I've tried getting angry and pestering him until he explodes, I've tried giving the silent treatment back. Nothing works. Usually I just have to wait it out until he gets over it. The problem is that I never know how long it's going to be before he's back to normal and he makes everyone in the house miserable in the meantime by walking around with a dark cloud over his head. And the other problem is that this happens over the littlest things, not big arguments. For instance, this happened when I wanted to leave a party early and he didn't. We ended up leaving early but then I paid for it for the next day and a half by getting the silent treatment. I don't believe it's Gods will to get divorced, but this doesn't feel like a healthy relationship to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells trying not to make him upset. He is not a Christian and doesn't take marriage counseling seriously. Has anyone else dealt with a similar personality and found a way to make it work??

That sounds like my ex husband, there be no reasoning with him because he had
to have things his own way.
He hooked up with another woman and left me with all our the bills.
Divorce followed and they married the same day the divorce was
final.

If your husband be like my ex, he ain't going to read no book and counseling was
also out of the question. My ex wasn't a christian either and after six years of marriage he eventually packed up and moved out to be with his other woman, he divorced me and married her... an treated her the same way, they broke up and he moved on to other women and do them the same way.
Now he's in his early 70s and all he got to show for his life is a string of failed marriages and failed shack ups.
Some be hard-headed like that...if yours is like that, here's what I advise:
Make strong connections with your church family and get into God's Word and be
regularly in prayer.
You live for the Lord and show agape to your husband and don't
do any manipulation or pushing buttons, work on changing how you respond to him.
If he's giving you the silent treatment...let him be, you go on about your business
taking care of the home, family, spend time in God's Word....be visible about that.
Let him see you studying the bible and praying.
You be a godly witness not only for him but for all people to see.

No matter what comes of your marriage, the Lord is with you and He will help you
through these trials in life.

Sarah G van G · Aug 21, 2017

Sometimes we are too angry and hurt to communicate at all so we just shut down. When we are blessed with a relationship with Christ we can go to Him in prayer, let it out and be comforted. Your husband doesn't have that so he is undergoing days of intense suffering which is forcing you to share that suffering. It is tragic. It's like a person has some small, negative moment of emotion (anger and resentment about leaving a party) and demons just swarm in and amplify it beyond any reasonable proportion. It looks like sulking and manipulation but it is so much more than that. I have been on both sides of it. Prayer is everything.

473174 · Apr 9, 2018

Living with a difficult spouse, need advice

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