Lifes up and downs?

Possible Triggers. *T*

I've been thought a lot in life already. At 16, I had an accident with fire, 11 months and 8 operations later I got discharged from hospital. At 19, hijacked, placed in the trunk of a car and shot at. My latest was at 24, assaulted in our home. I guess I have the star of misfortune hanging over me. But yet, I still try and remain optimistic. Even thou I never got the chance to finish school, I have a stable job, that allows a live-able lifestyle. Well, the point I want to make is, I don't think myself as a suicide-able person. Its not like I'm depressed. I'm happy enough, I get to do things I enjoy. I don't sit in the corner and self pity myself anymore.

Anyway, lets get to the reason for this post. My mom decided to move closer to us (my sister and me, we both live in city, and she lives quite far away). At the moment I'm renting a small Wendy house, and decided to move out and in with my mom (Cheaper, and I'm a momma's boy). Anyway the other day while we were painting the new apartment, I had a major headache and took some strong painkillers and since there was no furniture, I decided to go take a nap in the car, that is parked in the garage. That's when the thought crossed my mind. Maybe I should just put the car on, let it idle and go to sleep. aka, commit suicide, I was already drowsy b/c of the pain killers. Of course I didn't do it, but that I thought of it scares me. I've never thought about committing suicide before, expect once, when I was in hospital, because it was a living hell, just to make the pain stop.

Anyway, why am I posting this? one of the reasons is, I don't know a lot of people, mainly only close family, due to my events of life, I don't get out a lot. Is this normal, expected behavior.. or is something wrong with me. Am I'm some nut job that might loose it any second? I'm generally a very impulsive person, I act before I think...

I would like to say, first off, I would not think you are not a nut job as I have had similar feelings about "Just ending it all".

But here I am, many years later, and still going strong, and you can too. It was just a fancy, and while I don't know much, I would wager that everyone has entertained some form of self destruction at some time in their life, and yet here we all are, going strong and living it out, when God wants us, he will take us, not a moment before, not a moment later.

Put your life in his hands, and when you are ready to be called home to your rest, he will take you.

Till then, enjoy the world and life he has given you.

I struggle a lot with suicidal thoughts, mainly due to PTSD from events in the past. They are livable with, and you can tune out.. I find it helps to carry pictures of my loved ones, and if I am feeling that way, I remind myselves of how much it would hurt them...

If you keep getting these thoughts, it's probably worth talking to a counselor or therapist about them, there may be some trigger that you can work out how to deal with, with some help.

Thanks.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately though. as to why I would have such thoughts, but I come up blank, still weird, and scares me. B/c I love my mom very much, and wont ever dream to do things like that... while she is still alive.

Thanks for the replies, helped to calm me a bit.

You are not the only one. I have thought about suicide many, many times during deep depression and anxiety phases.

My uncle attempted suicide twice and landed in the hospital. My grandma was shocked and flew from Hong Kong to see her son in New York.

From your post, you already know what your problems are. You already state you act before you think. So you already know what you should be doing when you act.

You say you don't get out a lot. Well, you can just hang out with some friends or people from your church. You don't have to party like a rockstar every weekend.

Some medications have that as a side effect. Everyone has the "odd" thought like you discribed every now and then. Most just sweep them under teh carpet and go on. It is dwelling on them that helps them take hold of your mind.

Xeno,

I can't urge you enough to fight those kinds of thoughts. Suicide is devastating to those who love the victim in ways I can't begin to describe. I have watched a close family go through it. Everyone feels guilty. Every one who knows the victim thinks they could have stopped it; "if I had just ..." It is the worst kind of grieving.

Satan is behind every wretched and evil thing in this world. But all things perfect come from God. You have a great testimony and I know God has great plans for you. He will not let what has happened to you go without recompense. Hit the enemy where it hurts him. Don't give in to his suggestions of despair, loneliness, insecurities, failures.... all lies. God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise and the weak to shame the strong. You are in a perfect place for God to do a great work in and through you.

Father, bless this son of Yours. You know his heart and every single thought. Protect his mind and help him to be disciplined that he will keep his mind and heart fixed on You and that he will seek to find his rest in You. Send friends and messengers to him. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.