- Apr 29, 2006
- 199
- 12
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Others
Life is tough. I am sure you all know that! There are times when we just want to just chuck life in a dumpster and let it be, but we also know we cant. We have to keep on pushing ahead, pushing through the storms that get thrown in our lives. Some were born with natural strength to push through the tough stuff, while others, like me, can not. I lived a rough life. I spent most of my time fearing and dreading going home. I would do just about anything to stay away from home.
You may ask, why? My days at home were unpredictable. There would be days where my family got along and then days when we didnt. The days we got along were awesome! It was like heaven! A lot of laughing and playing, you know. However, the days that were not good were completely opposite. There was always a lot of yelling and screaming. There was always swearing. Swearing was a huge way of communicating in this family. I was always the one that was getting the bulk of it. There was one time when my father was just mad at something that had happened during the day. I wasnt using a knife properly at the kitchen table. I honestly did not know how! When he saw the way I was cutting he took the knife, threw it down and slapped me hard across the face. It was like a block of wood had come out of no where and hit me across the face. My age was 10. It wasnt the first time, but it didnt happen all that often either. It did scare me and I did run to my room, but I let it go. It wasnt a big deal.
Then, eighth grade hit. Things got so much worse. I was being told that I was worthless. I was also told that most everything was my fault. It was like, every bad thing that happened at home was all me. I eventually started to believe that and it brought me down. I believed that I had no worth, I believed that everything was my fault. I believed everything they said to me, and they said many cruel things. I started getting depressed, but I didnt really show it.
As the days passed, it got worse. More physical abuse came into the picture, not as much as emotional, but it was still there. By the middle of eighth grade I decided that I couldnt take it anymore and informed a teacher of what was going on. They immediately called Department of Human services. They informed me that one call would not be enough for them to do anything, so I started telling anyone I could! I needed help and I didnt know where to get it.
On January 22, I was in my house with a bunch of my friends. It was my birthday and we were playing some games. My parents were acting extremely weird, which was not normal when my friends were around. I did notice it, but I didnt really think anything of it. When the party was over and there was only one friend left, my mom decided to inform me that she couldnt spend the night. So, we took her home. When I arrived back home I stepped through the door to something I did not quite expect. My father looked mad, my moms facial expression changed. My fears rose! I dont really remember what happened from here, but I do remember this one thing. I ran to my parents side of the house and into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw fear in my own eyes. I saw a helpless girl that didnt know where to turn. Just as I was about to turn around to sit on the floor my dad came up behind me and yelled in my ear. I jumped and dad grabbed me by the coat. His voice rose and he screamed at me saying that DHS had called and informed him that I was wrong to talk like I had been talking. By the end of his screaming, I was in midair hanging from my coat screaming. When he had finished screaming, he chucked me against the shower and stared down at me. I slid down the shower and sat on the floor. My whole body was shaking.
This was the last straw for me, that night. I decided I wasnt going to take it anymore, and DHS never did show up to investigate like they had so graciously informed my parents of. I stopped eating and went into a major depression spell. At the end of the school year I wrote a suicide note to my best friend, and that night took a knife to my wrists. Needless to say, I ended up in the hospital. They took me to Saint Marys Medical Center in Lewiston where they had a youth center.
I was quickly roomed with a girl that self mutilated as a coping skill. She informed me of how much it helped. So, along with not eating, I took on the coping skill of cutting. It helped way too much and it quickly became an addiction.
DHS dismissed my case with family counselors for 6 months and a counselor until I didnt need her. The family counselors left after 6 months with no help. They didnt believe what I was telling them and my counselor lasted 3 years, but also did not believe what I was saying. I also started to attend church, which gave me something to hope in.
Throughout my high school career, I have had my ups and downs. I have attempted suicide several times and have turned to things that I should not have. However, I also attended a mission trip to Mexico in my sophomore year and a trip to New York in my Junior year. It is now my senior year and I will be attending a mission trip to New York in the summer. I will also be attending Eastern Nazarene College in the fall. As for my home life, honestly, its horrible. It has been scary! It has been hard! It has hurt!! My cutting? Still there, but Im fighting. Eating? Sadly, I was diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) just a few months ago. I am also fighting that. Even with the things that are so hard in my life, I have chosen to fight, to live, to pray, to walk, to hope, to have faith! I have chosen to seek God! I have chosen life, not death!!! I have friends around me that have been a huge support and a youth group that has also been a huge support! If it wasnt for God, I would NOT be alive today!
I had one suicide scare about 3 months ago. That night, I fell on my knees and surrendered everything to God. Ever since, God has done an awesome healing in me! He has changed me around mightily! I have not had as many suicidal thoughts and the ones I have had have not been strong enough to control me!! The cutting has gone down a lot. I have my falls, but its amazing how much I dont depend on it as much anymore. My eating is still a problem, but I know God will heal. He is so amazing! He can take anything bad and make it good! He can build a brick wall around you to keep you safe and take it down in a split second as soon as you dont need it. He will heal you if you seek him! He will bring you through!! I am not there yet, but I have come a long ways! I owe it all to God! God has been gracious. He has forgiven me, taken me in, and has been healing me! He has given me supportive friends, a loving church, and supportive mentors! He has given me help! He has given me hope! He has given me faith! He has given me encouragement! And most of all, he has given me God!!!
Seek God, all of you and you will be blessed!!
You may ask, why? My days at home were unpredictable. There would be days where my family got along and then days when we didnt. The days we got along were awesome! It was like heaven! A lot of laughing and playing, you know. However, the days that were not good were completely opposite. There was always a lot of yelling and screaming. There was always swearing. Swearing was a huge way of communicating in this family. I was always the one that was getting the bulk of it. There was one time when my father was just mad at something that had happened during the day. I wasnt using a knife properly at the kitchen table. I honestly did not know how! When he saw the way I was cutting he took the knife, threw it down and slapped me hard across the face. It was like a block of wood had come out of no where and hit me across the face. My age was 10. It wasnt the first time, but it didnt happen all that often either. It did scare me and I did run to my room, but I let it go. It wasnt a big deal.
Then, eighth grade hit. Things got so much worse. I was being told that I was worthless. I was also told that most everything was my fault. It was like, every bad thing that happened at home was all me. I eventually started to believe that and it brought me down. I believed that I had no worth, I believed that everything was my fault. I believed everything they said to me, and they said many cruel things. I started getting depressed, but I didnt really show it.
As the days passed, it got worse. More physical abuse came into the picture, not as much as emotional, but it was still there. By the middle of eighth grade I decided that I couldnt take it anymore and informed a teacher of what was going on. They immediately called Department of Human services. They informed me that one call would not be enough for them to do anything, so I started telling anyone I could! I needed help and I didnt know where to get it.
On January 22, I was in my house with a bunch of my friends. It was my birthday and we were playing some games. My parents were acting extremely weird, which was not normal when my friends were around. I did notice it, but I didnt really think anything of it. When the party was over and there was only one friend left, my mom decided to inform me that she couldnt spend the night. So, we took her home. When I arrived back home I stepped through the door to something I did not quite expect. My father looked mad, my moms facial expression changed. My fears rose! I dont really remember what happened from here, but I do remember this one thing. I ran to my parents side of the house and into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw fear in my own eyes. I saw a helpless girl that didnt know where to turn. Just as I was about to turn around to sit on the floor my dad came up behind me and yelled in my ear. I jumped and dad grabbed me by the coat. His voice rose and he screamed at me saying that DHS had called and informed him that I was wrong to talk like I had been talking. By the end of his screaming, I was in midair hanging from my coat screaming. When he had finished screaming, he chucked me against the shower and stared down at me. I slid down the shower and sat on the floor. My whole body was shaking.
This was the last straw for me, that night. I decided I wasnt going to take it anymore, and DHS never did show up to investigate like they had so graciously informed my parents of. I stopped eating and went into a major depression spell. At the end of the school year I wrote a suicide note to my best friend, and that night took a knife to my wrists. Needless to say, I ended up in the hospital. They took me to Saint Marys Medical Center in Lewiston where they had a youth center.
I was quickly roomed with a girl that self mutilated as a coping skill. She informed me of how much it helped. So, along with not eating, I took on the coping skill of cutting. It helped way too much and it quickly became an addiction.
DHS dismissed my case with family counselors for 6 months and a counselor until I didnt need her. The family counselors left after 6 months with no help. They didnt believe what I was telling them and my counselor lasted 3 years, but also did not believe what I was saying. I also started to attend church, which gave me something to hope in.
Throughout my high school career, I have had my ups and downs. I have attempted suicide several times and have turned to things that I should not have. However, I also attended a mission trip to Mexico in my sophomore year and a trip to New York in my Junior year. It is now my senior year and I will be attending a mission trip to New York in the summer. I will also be attending Eastern Nazarene College in the fall. As for my home life, honestly, its horrible. It has been scary! It has been hard! It has hurt!! My cutting? Still there, but Im fighting. Eating? Sadly, I was diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) just a few months ago. I am also fighting that. Even with the things that are so hard in my life, I have chosen to fight, to live, to pray, to walk, to hope, to have faith! I have chosen to seek God! I have chosen life, not death!!! I have friends around me that have been a huge support and a youth group that has also been a huge support! If it wasnt for God, I would NOT be alive today!
I had one suicide scare about 3 months ago. That night, I fell on my knees and surrendered everything to God. Ever since, God has done an awesome healing in me! He has changed me around mightily! I have not had as many suicidal thoughts and the ones I have had have not been strong enough to control me!! The cutting has gone down a lot. I have my falls, but its amazing how much I dont depend on it as much anymore. My eating is still a problem, but I know God will heal. He is so amazing! He can take anything bad and make it good! He can build a brick wall around you to keep you safe and take it down in a split second as soon as you dont need it. He will heal you if you seek him! He will bring you through!! I am not there yet, but I have come a long ways! I owe it all to God! God has been gracious. He has forgiven me, taken me in, and has been healing me! He has given me supportive friends, a loving church, and supportive mentors! He has given me help! He has given me hope! He has given me faith! He has given me encouragement! And most of all, he has given me God!!!
Seek God, all of you and you will be blessed!!
