Lies To Self

[PrairieGurl]

I'm struggleing with myself. When I actually take a moment to think about it...I know I'm lieing to myself. I try not to take too many moments to think about it.
I seem to think I should have a couple of shots to make me "feel" better, as it does. It helps me walk into new situations, helps put a smile on my face, helps me relax. Not many times do I stop at two...but all it takes is 4 shots and I'm ready for a nap...which is okay by me cause than I don't have to think. Not until after I've puchased the shots do I realize I'm on a slippery slope.
I came out of detox on Sunday June 11. Since then it has been a major struggle. I was also abusing persciption drugs and have not returned to them as I can not go to a multitude of docs anymore and the pharmacies have cracked down on multy users.
lieing to myself is one thing, but I find it hard to be straight up with my husband. He gets very upset even if I only have a couple shots.
Don't know what I'm asking...just wanted someone (perferablly someone that does not know me) to share with.

 

[LoG]

I'm struggleing with myself. When I actually take a moment to think about it...I know I'm lieing to myself. I try not to take too many moments to think about it.
I seem to think I should have a couple of shots to make me "feel" better, as it does. It helps me walk into new situations, helps put a smile on my face, helps me relax. Not many times do I stop at two...but all it takes is 4 shots and I'm ready for a nap...which is okay by me cause than I don't have to think. Not until after I've puchased the shots do I realize I'm on a slippery slope.
I came out of detox on Sunday June 11. Since then it has been a major struggle. I was also abusing persciption drugs and have not returned to them as I can not go to a multitude of docs anymore and the pharmacies have cracked down on multy users.
lieing to myself is one thing, but I find it hard to be straight up with my husband. He gets very upset even if I only have a couple shots.
Don't know what I'm asking...just wanted someone (perferablly someone that does not know me) to share with.

Hi WantToBe, welcome.

Have you been attending any support groups like AA? They help to make the load a lot lighter especially in the first few months.
I understand what you are going through since I've been in the same position myself. The temptation to have a couple to take the edge off of those raw emotions and the mind racing were pretty strong until I started to attend meetings and learning from other recovered alcoholics and drug addicts how to stay clean and sober one day at a time.
I want to share with you that when I started to attend meetings and following the suggestions of other members there, the idea of staying clean and sober became less of a "sentence" to endure and more of an oppurtunity of a lifetime. I've come to know the meaning of contented sobriety.
I hope and pray you will avail yourself of the support you can find in those meetings.
Feel free to pm me if you like.
God bless.

 

[PrairieGurl]

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY to all my new American Friends !!!!

My goal today is to pick an AA meeting for this week. My mother has been a real dear and said she would come with me. This lessens the fear.

 

[Ruth~]

I'm struggleing with myself. When I actually take a moment to think about it...I know I'm lieing to myself. I try not to take too many moments to think about it.
I seem to think I should have a couple of shots to make me "feel" better, as it does. It helps me walk into new situations, helps put a smile on my face, helps me relax. Not many times do I stop at two...but all it takes is 4 shots and I'm ready for a nap...which is okay by me cause than I don't have to think. Not until after I've puchased the shots do I realize I'm on a slippery slope.
I came out of detox on Sunday June 11. Since then it has been a major struggle. I was also abusing persciption drugs and have not returned to them as I can not go to a multitude of docs anymore and the pharmacies have cracked down on multy users.
lieing to myself is one thing, but I find it hard to be straight up with my husband. He gets very upset even if I only have a couple shots.
Don't know what I'm asking...just wanted someone (perferablly someone that does not know me) to share with.

I can relate to your struggle with alcohol and prescription medicine. I have gone through it, too. I was in the hospital too due to an overdose that I accidentally did while intoxicated. Made me realize I do stupid things when I am drunk. There are many other embarrassing things that have happened to me while drinking but I don't want to mention them. I haven't drank in 42 days and am glad I have moved away from it. Once before I quit for 18.5 years so I know I can stay sober and if I can so can anyone, I truely believe.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Thanks Ruth67 for sharing!!!

I have found an AA meeting that is (of all places) at the church I attend (okay I've only been there twice in the last year and 1/2 ,last Sunday and the Sunday before). The meetings are held @ 8:30pm on Tuesday nights. My Mom is free tonight so she is coming with me

Scared but excited

 

[Ruth~]

How did the AA meeting go? I used to go to meetings a long time ago and they kept me sober for a number of years. I was active. It's good to get active at those meetings, gives you a reason to go back. I did things like making coffee, being treasurer, leading meetings.

So, how are you doing in this department? I am doing okay. Haven't drank in 78 days or so. I don't want it. I am taking the medicine Campral to take away the urge to drink.

 

[PrairieGurl]

OOPS Ruth...in the post above...seems i added 10 to your username

ONE DAY TILL MY 1ST MONTH CELEBRATION

I went to another AA meeting last night. I had not been to this one...I was overwhelmed with the stories. This meeting is held in the "inner" part of the city where there is much pain and suffering

Normally I do not attend Thursday meetings. I have made a committment to attend meetings Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And of course "when needed" regardless of the day I became a member of the Wednesday meeting. (I hear one can change that "down the road" ) I am going to start reading "The Daily Reflections" and I help with clean up at the end of the meetings. (I do this at most meetings I attend) I want to become more envolved as time goes on.

I have found these meetings to be such an encouragement and a place to make new friends who have "been there, done that".

Thanks for asking Ruth!
Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

I'm struggleing with myself. When I actually take a moment to think about it...I know I'm lieing to myself. I try not to take too many moments to think about it.
I seem to think I should have a couple of shots to make me "feel" better, as it does. It helps me walk into new situations, helps put a smile on my face, helps me relax. Not many times do I stop at two...but all it takes is 4 shots and I'm ready for a nap...which is okay by me cause than I don't have to think. Not until after I've puchased the shots do I realize I'm on a slippery slope.
I came out of detox on Sunday June 11. Since then it has been a major struggle. I was also abusing persciption drugs and have not returned to them as I can not go to a multitude of docs anymore and the pharmacies have cracked down on multy users.
lieing to myself is one thing, but I find it hard to be straight up with my husband. He gets very upset even if I only have a couple shots.
Don't know what I'm asking...just wanted someone (perferablly someone that does not know me) to share with.

I can so relate to what your talking about. So many tmes, I question my alcoholism/addictions. "Am I REALLY an alcoholic?" "I can quit after a couple, done it before", and one real big lie - "go ahead - no one would know." Its part of my machinations with the disease. We have heard how we try to manipulate others with our addictions and alcoholism BUT I think we manipualte ourselves more than anything.

Trying to find any loop hole, any way around the reason why we STOPPED drinkign and using. I know I go thru this enough times - once, I thought about that passage in the Big Book that talks about "if you can turn around and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to you" or words to that effect and tried to convince myself that the Big Book sais its possible. So that means I CAN DO IT!!! yeah right. Lying to myself.

I think part of the problem we deal with - all individuals but seemingly thinking somewhat similair is one sentence in the first pragrah from Ch 3 of the Big Book:

"Most of us were unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally dfifferent from his fellows."

I wonder if that is a big reason why we lie to ourselves? To say we cannot drink like a "normal" person is to accept that we have a problem and perhaps our (my pride for sure!) pride gets involved. To admit that we are "different" is probably the hardest thing to do. And so we lie to tell ourselves that we are the same as other folks we know that can drink and stop.

Like right now, with my oldest son facing 5 yrs in prison, my dad's chemo isnt working on the cancer and the docs are gonna try one more type of treatment next week and then if its a no-go, he will be dead in months.

The manipulations and lies I been arguing and fighting in my mind to use anything as an escuse to drink is so strong, but, as I have said a few times, "One day at a time" and sometimes its "one minute at a time"

Sorry for being so long winded here in your thread. but i wanted to share too!

But all this is just musings on my part.

 

[PrairieGurl]

TOMORROW IS MY ONE MONTH B-DAY I am celebrating by going to a AA BQ! (my second ever non-alcoholic I mean ... have been to a few "other" BQ's, too many I presume )

Anyway...thank you Justanobserver for your post. I always enjoy your experienced wisdom and honesty.

Sorry about your Dad...thing is I just sent Dad and Mom off, so my Dad could have surgery that likely will end his life, unless a miricle happens. At this moment he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. No surgery... he dies...surgery ... he may die

I JUST CAN'T GIVE IN! CAN'T! I just don't want to go thru that hell I just came out of a month ago!

Thanks for "listening"!

 

[justanobserver]

TOMORROW IS MY ONE MONTH B-DAY I am celebrating by going to a AA BQ! (my second ever non-alcoholic I mean ... have been to a few "other" BQ's, too many I presume )

Anyway...thank you Justanobserver for your post. I always enjoy your experienced wisdom and honesty.

Sorry about your Dad...thing is I just sent Dad and Mom off, so my Dad could have surgery that likely will end his life, unless a miricle happens. At this moment he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. No surgery... he dies...surgery ... he may die

I JUST CAN'T GIVE IN! CAN'T! I just don't want to go thru that hell I just came out of a month ago!

Thanks for "listening"!

And your honesty (to yourself first THEN others) and your faith in God will be your strength not to. I have a photo in my computer hardrive that I keep for very personal reasons - its just a shot of me in filthy dirt and puke stained clothes I been wearing for a few days then when I was not at my finest a couple weeks before the Army shipped me off to military rehab in Dec 99.

Time to time, I will click on that photo, bring it up full screen and see what I once was.....it reminds me of where I never want to be again.

Especially when I am lying to myself that I wasnt all that bad as a drunk, I can handle it now, and my mind tends to forget the bad but glorifies the "good" (if there ever was) times when I was drunk and the store is just a 5 minute walk away.

But Wendy, rading your posts since you first satarted posting here i can see the change. and its positive.

And I want to be the first to congratulate you for 1 MONTH!!!

WOOOHOOO!!

next thing you know, you will posting a "Tommorw is my ONE YEAR of sobriety. be here before you know it.

 

[justanobserver]

Sorry about your Dad...thing is I just sent Dad and Mom off, so my Dad could have surgery that likely will end his life, unless a miricle happens. At this moment he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. No surgery... he dies...surgery ... he may die

I JUST CAN'T GIVE IN! CAN'T! I just don't want to go thru that hell I just came out of a month ago!

Thanks for "listening"!

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I can only wish for the best and my thoughts are with you.

 

[Ruth~]

OOPS Ruth...in the post above...seems i added 10 to your username

ONE DAY TILL MY 1ST MONTH CELEBRATION

I went to another AA meeting last night. I had not been to this one...I was overwhelmed with the stories. This meeting is held in the "inner" part of the city where there is much pain and suffering

Normally I do not attend Thursday meetings. I have made a committment to attend meetings Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And of course "when needed" regardless of the day I became a member of the Wednesday meeting. (I hear one can change that "down the road" ) I am going to start reading "The Daily Reflections" and I help with clean up at the end of the meetings. (I do this at most meetings I attend) I want to become more envolved as time goes on.

I have found these meetings to be such an encouragement and a place to make new friends who have "been there, done that".

Thanks for asking Ruth!
Wendy

Wendy, I'm glad the AA meetings are helping you. The fellowship is great there, isn't it? I used to go 7 days a week. I actually went too much but it kept me from drinking. I am still taking the Campral and have no urge to drink whatsoever. Thank God for that! I hope you have a good weekend!
Ruth

 

[Ruth~]

TOMORROW IS MY ONE MONTH B-DAY I am celebrating by going to a AA BQ! (my second ever non-alcoholic I mean ... have been to a few "other" BQ's, too many I presume )

Anyway...thank you Justanobserver for your post. I always enjoy your experienced wisdom and honesty.

Sorry about your Dad...thing is I just sent Dad and Mom off, so my Dad could have surgery that likely will end his life, unless a miricle happens. At this moment he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. No surgery... he dies...surgery ... he may die

I JUST CAN'T GIVE IN! CAN'T! I just don't want to go thru that hell I just came out of a month ago!

Thanks for "listening"!

Wendy,
Am praying that your dad get's through the surgery and does well. Sorry that this is so hard for you right now.
Take care.
Ruth

 

[PrairieGurl]

Wendy,
Am praying that your dad get's through the surgery and does well. Sorry that this is so hard for you right now.
Take care.
Ruth

Thanks Ruth!
I appreciate your care, concern and s.

Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

TOMORROW IS MY ONE MONTH B-DAY I am celebrating by going to a AA BQ! (my second ever non-alcoholic I mean ... have been to a few "other" BQ's, too many I presume )

CONGRATULATIONS on the 1 month!!!

WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!

Wishing you a good day and a good bar be que!

 

[PrairieGurl]

CONGRATULATIONS on the 1 month!!!

WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!

Wishing you a good day and a good bar be que!

THANK YOU NORM !!

 

[LoG]

Congrats on your month Wtb.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Congrats on your month Wtb.

Thanks LoG

 

[Ruth~]

Congratulations on your month sober. It's much better than being drunk, isn't it? At least we know where we are and what we are doing now. lol.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Congratulations on your month sober. It's much better than being drunk, isn't it? At least we know where we are and what we are doing now. lol.

Standing up & tall is attainable, no falling off chairs, driving a car is legal, and the list goes on lol