Large Family Support Group

[vanshan]

After finding out my wife is exepecting our 3rd child we have received a variety of responses, most of them negative. What's the deal? Three children used to be a fairly small family, but in our current child-hating culture it is seen as weird to have even three.

Need support. Anyone else out there defying the family norms?

Basil

 

[LegacyOfLove]

Well...big families used to be the norm for sure! My grandparents were all from what we'd consider "large" families by today's standards....even my parents had "large" families.... 7 kids in dad's family and 4 in mom's family. I happened to be an only child and when I was growing up people were always seeming upset that my parents would have only had one child...like they were really abnormal or something.
Then it was my turn to have children...and yes, I often hear "oh my, that's a big family." To me, four children isn't a "big" family...but with today's averages of about 1-2 kids per family being "normal"...I guess we're 2x-4x what's normal.
As some others from church have a lot more kids than I even do...I remember this one couple who were expecting their 7th child...and they announced it during a bible study by saying (when it was time to share praise reports)..."We'd like to thank God for blessing us with another baby! We're expecting our 7th!"
I think a lot of it has to do with your attitude about it in return to the negative comments. Whenever some comments to me that my four children-sized family is too big...I just say...I don't think so...compared to the 17 children in my grandfather's family...we're just a tiny little family...and besides....the more children...the more love you have to share with eachother! It usually shuts them up. LOL...but like I said, you'll hear the comments....ignore them when you can...and when you can't just do your best to maintain a positive attitude and be happy about the family that God has blessed you with...be it 1 child or twenty!

 

[Andy Broadley]

Well, we've got 4. Eldest is 13 and youngest is 6. I now know that insanity is hereditory, you get it from your kids!

I once heard Steve Martin say that you wrap your first child up in cotton wool, but by the fourth you let them juggle knives. That's about right. You pretty soon get blase about things you used to panic about.

Having a fair few kids brings it's challenges, most of them logistical. Meal times come major catering events, school mornings are like boot camp (believe me if they were not, no one would ever get to school), grocery shopping requires two carts (is that the right word? we call them trolly's) instead of one, you don't want to even imagine Christmas shopping!, and holidays (vacations) become like military manouvers.

To sum it up, I would describe it as absolute, total, disorganised, loud, messy, expensive, exhausting chaos!!!

I love it. I wouldn't swap it for the world.

 

[sara elizabeth]

We got those kind of comments when I was expecting our third. We had two boys, so everyone assumed that we were only having another because we wanted a girl. Then, when she was born, we got lots of "Oh, you finally got your girl. So, now you're done, right?!!" Now we have four, and almost every time I go to town I hear "Oh, you sure have your hands full, don't you?!!!"
I usually say something like "Yes, they're alot of work, but they are worth every bit of it." or "Yes, God has really blessed us." Most of the time the person commenting agrees with me then.

 

[alaskamolly]

Same with us--the third caused everybody to make comment after comment...


We're pretty good with the comments now--here's a few fun replies for you to try out next time you're feeling slightly wicked:


Irritating Comment #1
"Oh my Gawsh, You're Having Another One!? (*commenter winces, as if in pain*).
Don't You Know What Causes That?"

Husband: *lecherously grinning* "
"We Sure Do, and We Like It."


Irritating Comment #2
"Oh my Gawsh, You're Having Another One!? (*commenter winces, as if in pain*)
Did You Do This on Purpose????????

Husband/Wife: *look incredulous and surprised*
"Well Yeah, Sure We Did! We Like Children--Don't You?"


Irritating Comment #3
"Oh my Gawsh, You're Having Another One!? (*commenter winces, as if in pain*)
Are You Crazy?

Husband/Wife: "No--we just like children. Why--don't you?"








Blessings,
Molly
(Who hardly hears anything anymore from family--they've finally figured out we really do want a lot of children--it's mostly just people who don't know us very well. Talk about rude! I think the only comments that really drive me batty are the ones from Christians, who (of all people!) should know and believe that children are called a blessing by God, not a curse. But the way they act, you'd think it was exactly the opposite...

 

[vanshan]

It's funny, but I remember when I was as child, not long ago, having only one child was questioned. People at that time believed it was good for children to have siblings to play with, but now it's very normal.

I love the retorts alaskamolly!

 

[sammipher]

I think big families are awesome...my mom and dad are from huge families...My parents had two bilogical children..then two of my cousins came and lived with us after their mother died..and my mom practically raised every kid on my dads side of the family..so it wasnt uncommon to have five or six kids hanging around our house or living there at one time...it was like grand central station and I loved it. I always had someone to laugh, fight, and cry with or take up for me. I would love to have a big family and right now me and my husband dont have a set limit...we use to say two...but, we have recently decided to keep our options open...who knows? Speaking of big families did anyone see the special on discovery health about the couple who had 15 children...I thought that was amazing..and I know this has nothing to do with what were talking about...but, I was surprised that all the children were so well behaved. They just seemed like any other loving family...only they had 15 kids.

 

[sammipher]

Same with us--the third caused everybody to make comment after comment...


We're pretty good with the comments now--here's a few fun replies for you to try out next time you're feeling slightly wicked:


Irritating Comment #1
"Oh my Gawsh, You're Having Another One!? (*commenter winces, as if in pain*).
Don't You Know What Causes That?"

Husband: *lecherously grinning* "
"We Sure Do, and We Like It."


Irritating Comment #2
"Oh my Gawsh, You're Having Another One!? (*commenter winces, as if in pain*)
Did You Do This on Purpose????????

Husband/Wife: *look incredulous and surprised*
"Well Yeah, Sure We Did! We Like Children--Don't You?"


Irritating Comment #3
"Oh my Gawsh, You're Having Another One!? (*commenter winces, as if in pain*)
Are You Crazy?

Husband/Wife: "No--we just like children. Why--don't you?"








Blessings,
Molly
(Who hardly hears anything anymore from family--they've finally figured out we really do want a lot of children--it's mostly just people who don't know us very well. Talk about rude! I think the only comments that really drive me batty are the ones from Christians, who (of all people!) should know and believe that children are called a blessing by God, not a curse. But the way they act, you'd think it was exactly the opposite...

Those are funny!
I agree children are blessings...and I say let people have as many as they want...it is their family and as long as you dont have to feed, clothe, or take care of them....why make it any business of yours.

 

[okiemommy26]

I think you should have as many as you want to have. That is between you and your spouse and no one else has to a right to comment about it. Just like if a person just wants to have one child that is their right too. We have been thinking about a 3rd my hubby would be happy with 6 but i said no lol.

 

[selune]

We have 4 and I tire of the constant question "Are you finished now?" Um if by that you mean am I through having sexual relations with my husband, I think you should mind your own business and keep your thoughts out of my bedroom. I love my kids and if we are blessed with more or blessed as we currently are, I'm happy. I think most people don't know that they don't need to comment on others' family size. Love the retorts Molly! I'll save those. Be happy vanshan, you are not alone. And neither are the families who have no kids or one or two...It's your life led by God and you will either have children in whatever number or not. Cheers to all.

 

[mamaneenie]

I'm currently expecting my second child. A third seems out of the question to me, but if later on I change my mind......

Anyway, I am one of 5. The comments varied from "are you Catholic" to "gee that must be a handful to your parents"

It wasn't exactly nice so I tend to leave people alone when they are having heaps of kids. As I see it, it's none of my business anyway.

There is a family in our church who has just had their 6th child. My husband was really awful about it behind their back and I gently but politely told him to shut up, because those comments aren't necessary.

I did congratulate the family, because as I see it, a child is a blessing and this is a pretty good family who takes care of their children well. Their children are loved and cared for. I keep negative comments to myself about these matters because like I said, it is none of my business. I also tend not to have respect for people who do make negative comments about the size of ones family.

On the other foot, I had the comments the other way around. My son is 3, and for nearly 2 years I have had people ask me when I am having another one. I think it is the height of rudeness. When I did start TTC last November, I told a few close friends and in my opinion they were the only people who had the right to ask me anything about how I was going with it. No-one else.

 

[Andy Broadley]

One comment we get quite a lot is "I bet you wish you had half their energy". To which I usually reply "No, I just wish they had half their energy"

 

[Ann M]

As a mother of 6, you get all sorts of strange comments.

"Are they all yours?"
"No, 4 of them are mine, those 2 are my nieces and my other 2 are at home with their father" (nothing unusual there!)

"Do you own a TV?"
"Actually we own 2"

"You have 2 beautiful daughters. Are you going to have anymore?"
"Actually the other 4 kids are in school at the moment."

"Do you know what caused it"
DH's Favourite answer "Yes, but it all comes down to the pronunciation, I called it rec-reation, she called it re-creation!!"

For those that wonder why you'd go back again if you know what labour feels like, you look them in the eye and say "No 4 was born on the kitxchen floor, No 5 was born in the bathtub"

 

[LynnMcG]

Why is it that the subject of having children or being pregnant causes people to lose their manners? It's like they have something in common with you because they were born! Or they gave birth, so they can just unleash whatever they're thinking on you.

Did you ever notice ladies, when you're pregnant, that everyone has to either touch you or tell you a scary pregnancy/delivery story? It's inevitable. OH! Or toward the end of your pregnancy when someone sees you and says "OH, you're STILL pregnant?" Yeah, cause this is SO much fun I'm keeping this baby in me an extra month or two! When I was pregnant with my daughter everyone told us to have sex to start labor. Why would a stranger think it's ok to tell us to have sex?! Just because that's how it happened in the first place, doesn't mean it's ok to talk about my sex life!

God bless you and your HUGE families. Three kids? Sissies. My grandmother was the youngest of 12! I'm the middle child of 5! Just kidding (said the mother of 2, too afraid of these small people to have any more!!) :o

 

[selune]

hehehe! Yeah, at 4 we're like, well we have one in each hand, any more and they'll outnumber that ratio. Then again, it's been said that they're cheaper by the dozen. A fun story to read how the Gilbreths dealt with intruding comments and the early planned parenthood organization. I highly recommend the book to those who have large families.

 

[sammipher]

Why is it that the subject of having children or being pregnant causes people to lose their manners? It's like they have something in common with you because they were born! Or they gave birth, so they can just unleash whatever they're thinking on you.

Did you ever notice ladies, when you're pregnant, that everyone has to either touch you or tell you a scary pregnancy/delivery story? It's inevitable. OH! Or toward the end of your pregnancy when someone sees you and says "OH, you're STILL pregnant?" Yeah, cause this is SO much fun I'm keeping this baby in me an extra month or two! When I was pregnant with my daughter everyone told us to have sex to start labor. Why would a stranger think it's ok to tell us to have sex?! Just because that's how it happened in the first place, doesn't mean it's ok to talk about my sex life!

God bless you and your HUGE families. Three kids? Sissies. My grandmother was the youngest of 12! I'm the middle child of 5! Just kidding (said the mother of 2, too afraid of these small people to have any more!!) :o

I know about the touching thing...I had always heard these scenarios in pregnancy books...I myself have never been compelled to touch a stranger or anyone elses tummy for that matter and figured...yeah it will proabably never happen to me...I am only about three months along and I have people in my family that find it nec. to touch me and rub...they claim to see a bump. Its totally weird and what I dont get is when they bend over and scream into my stomach..my child is gonna either be deaf or traumatized before he or she even gets out of the womb. and the horror stories of birth and morning sickness are out of this world...people fell to realize each pregnancy is different and that they do have pain medicine these days if you really dont want to go natural....and I love the comment "Well how many do ya'll plan to have"..well just this one for now...I mean I am barely done with my first...and here is my fave that always comes from my dad..."so you dont feel good..what do you think it is?"..my response "well I think I'm pregnant dad"...He always says well maybe it will go away in a couple days, like I have a cold or something..I think he still has a hard time coping with the fact that I am grown now and fixin to be a mother...but, I have to admit it is kind of cute.

 

[mamaneenie]

I know about the touching thing...I had always heard these scenarios in pregnancy books...I myself have never been compelled to touch a stranger or anyone elses tummy for that matter and figured...yeah it will proabably never happen to me...I am only about three months along and I have people in my family that find it nec. to touch me and rub...they claim to see a bump. Its totally weird and what I dont get is when they bend over and scream into my stomach..my child is gonna either be deaf or traumatized before he or she even gets out of the womb. and the horror stories of birth and morning sickness are out of this world...people fell to realize each pregnancy is different and that they do have pain medicine these days if you really dont want to go natural....and I love the comment "Well how many do ya'll plan to have"..well just this one for now...I mean I am barely done with my first...and here is my fave that always comes from my dad..."so you dont feel good..what do you think it is?"..my response "well I think I'm pregnant dad"...He always says well maybe it will go away in a couple days, like I have a cold or something..I think he still has a hard time coping with the fact that I am grown now and fixin to be a mother...but, I have to admit it is kind of cute.

LOL at your dad. I had my first baby at 25 too, and well, he did have a hard time with it at first, but he is the best grandad now. He absolutely loves it. Just wait until this baby is born. He is going to love it.

 

[sammipher]

ty mamaneenie...I hope both sets of parents will be active part in our child's life..I never really had grandparents...both grandmothers passed away before I was born, one grandfather was gone, and the other..wasnt a very good role model..so I was never close to him...I think my dad is making up though...he is already in to buying baby clothes and just recently gave me the baby's first 1.00..which I am putting in the scrap book. I just want my child to have a since of where they come from....guess its true...you always want your child to have more than you had. I can't wait...nine months use to seem like an eternity...and now I only have six months and it doesnt seem long enough to get everything ready....guess its mommy jitters

 

[Andy Broadley]

It always amuses me when people with one or two children complain abouyt how hard it is. If we manage to have only two for a couple of days (God Bless grandparents) we count that as a holiday!!

 

[Cordy]

I know there are people who criticize large families. When my friend went to the doctor to confirm her 4th pregnancy, the doctor noted she already had 3 children and offered to “take care of” the 4th – basically saying this woman’s family was big enough and she should have an abortion. That is sad and disturbing.

Having said that, I think that some large families are just sensitive about their family size and take comments that are not intended to criticize in any was as an offence against their family. I can see myself saying some of the comments stated on this thread to large families with no intent to criticize, but out of interest in them and their families. I think people with large families might, perhaps, just me more sensitive and read into such comments because they are conscious about it.

For instance, I was talking to a woman the other day about her daughter who was pregnant. Both this women and her daughter believe in large families. This woman was telling me they were spending Christmas at her pregnant daughter’s house because she is close to her due date (2nd child). I asked when the due date was, and her mother told me early January (the exact date escapes me). I said “Wow! That’s soon!” – in a “wow, that is exciting and it is so soon” way. But this woman immediately got defensive and said “Well… it is only two years!” – assuming I was saying (in a negative way) that this second child is coming too close the first. I had to lighten up the conversation for a while before the offence came out of her voice. I couldn’t believe it. I was getting excited over the coming birth of the child, but she was EXPECTING me to be critical, so she read into my comments to mean something very different from what I did.

I would just encourage folks with large families to be careful not to assume that all the comments they get like the ones posted here are negative – maybe they are, but maybe they aren’t. After reading this thread, it just makes me feel like I should never fellowship with another woman about her pregnancy or take interest in other families because I fear they will take offence to me and take what I am saying in excitement and encouragement as criticism.