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Ladies- Help! A Challenge to Answer
- Thread starter Jvn
- Start date
peanutbutter12
Senior Veteran
You know, I don't want to sound harsh, but this needs to be said...
You have a child involved now. It's not about you or her anymore. It's about what is going to be best for the child and his well being.
First off, I can't for the life of me understand why you stuck around after you found out she was playing you to begin with. If a girl did that to me, she'd be kicked to the curb so to say faster than she could blink. I mean, heck, you just sat there and listed off all the reasons why you shouldn't be together. What more of a warning sign did you need?
In any event, you are 34 years old. It's time to grow up and realize there is a younger being at stake here and whatever decisions you make will have an effect in his life. It's no longer about what you want but what will be best for the child growing up. I don't think myself or anyone here should be a part of that counsel. You need to seek a professional who deals in family counseling to see what steps you should take for the well being of the child.
As for the girl, from what you've said, shes done nothing but use you and you've been too blind to see this. She made a decision, shes made several. She has to deal with the consequences of those decisions just as you do.
As I said, I don't mean to sound cruel. Seek professional help with this. You need to decide what and how you are going to be a part of this childs life. When you decide this, take action. Even if it has to be legal action but always keep the childs best interest in mind before your own. As for the girl, you can pretty much give up looking for any type of romantic future with her. There are too many things against you for you two to truly be happy in a relationship with each other. All you have to do is reread your list.
Good luck, mate.
CJ
You have a child involved now. It's not about you or her anymore. It's about what is going to be best for the child and his well being.
First off, I can't for the life of me understand why you stuck around after you found out she was playing you to begin with. If a girl did that to me, she'd be kicked to the curb so to say faster than she could blink. I mean, heck, you just sat there and listed off all the reasons why you shouldn't be together. What more of a warning sign did you need?
In any event, you are 34 years old. It's time to grow up and realize there is a younger being at stake here and whatever decisions you make will have an effect in his life. It's no longer about what you want but what will be best for the child growing up. I don't think myself or anyone here should be a part of that counsel. You need to seek a professional who deals in family counseling to see what steps you should take for the well being of the child.
As for the girl, from what you've said, shes done nothing but use you and you've been too blind to see this. She made a decision, shes made several. She has to deal with the consequences of those decisions just as you do.
As I said, I don't mean to sound cruel. Seek professional help with this. You need to decide what and how you are going to be a part of this childs life. When you decide this, take action. Even if it has to be legal action but always keep the childs best interest in mind before your own. As for the girl, you can pretty much give up looking for any type of romantic future with her. There are too many things against you for you two to truly be happy in a relationship with each other. All you have to do is reread your list.
Good luck, mate.
CJ
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I guess I just felt like she was young and confused. We did love each other at one point (and I think still do). I did "kick her to the curb." For several months, I was content, but as weird as it may sound, I prayed for resolution in my life and after a few months of this, the other love interest I had disappeared and she and I unexpectedly starting having these mammoth feelings for each other again. The unbearable kind, not just the norm. It truly hard to explain, but it seems like this is deeper than most can even fathom. I feel lucky to have experienced it (just under the wrong circumstances). The problem is that she got married on a whim and now we all are paying for a "mistake." When I say paying, I mean the present situation and the unhappiness of all involved. Anyway, believe me, I am way too stubborn and prideful to ever give in this much, but that what scares me- I want to. I feel like I am the only chance our son has at a normal, happy life. I am driven, almost subconsciously, to her and our son. It is almost like it is out of my control, it is that strong. I think she feels the same, but blocks it our more than I do because of her situation. Plus, it is easy to do when you keep yourself busy and you live with someone else. Everytime I think of giving up, I think about our son and I re-focus. Keep in mind, I do feel responsible for all of this, too. The only Christian explanation for why this is "supposed" to happen is our son and she needs to hear it's possible that God would "want" this, I think. It's is hard, but nothing is impossible with God. As for me, my heart speaks clearly to me. Strange, but true. Thanks for the advice, it means a lot.
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I get the impression (whether right or wrong) that this girl was legalistic in her thinking and beliefs--maybe because she felt that she had to please her parents and with the unexpected out of wedlock pregnancy she could never give them that with you. Anyway, that's just strictly guessing.
You are not in an easy situation.
Have you considered telling her not to contact you unless it is regarding your son? Have you considered telling her that if she does for any other reason than that you will talk to her husband and ask him to tell her to stop calling? I understand that y'all have had an affair and have been "fooling around" since she has gotten married. However, that's going to come out in the wash later, IMHO.
Unfortunately, you may not get to see and spend as much time with your son as the both of you deserve. Please keep us or at least me posted on the outcome.
You are not in an easy situation.
Have you considered telling her not to contact you unless it is regarding your son? Have you considered telling her that if she does for any other reason than that you will talk to her husband and ask him to tell her to stop calling? I understand that y'all have had an affair and have been "fooling around" since she has gotten married. However, that's going to come out in the wash later, IMHO.
Unfortunately, you may not get to see and spend as much time with your son as the both of you deserve. Please keep us or at least me posted on the outcome.
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lin1235
Jana's mommy!
I couldn't read your first post (only saw this after you edited it). I'm sorry you're going through all of this - it must be really hard on you.
Unfortunately, she IS now married. There's no getting away from that. And Jesus said, anyone who marries a divorced woman causes her to commit adultery (I can't remember the verse). It is wrong for you to keep wanting her, no matter how deep your feelings run. You are trying to find a way to court another man's wife! It does not matter whether the two of you are actually in love etc., regardless of how strong those feelings are. She made a choice, even if it was the wrong choice. You cannot change her choices, all you can focus on is YOUR REACTION to it. You have to make sure you please God in how you deal with this, and trying to steal another man's wife will not please God.
Unfortunately, she IS now married. There's no getting away from that. And Jesus said, anyone who marries a divorced woman causes her to commit adultery (I can't remember the verse). It is wrong for you to keep wanting her, no matter how deep your feelings run. You are trying to find a way to court another man's wife! It does not matter whether the two of you are actually in love etc., regardless of how strong those feelings are. She made a choice, even if it was the wrong choice. You cannot change her choices, all you can focus on is YOUR REACTION to it. You have to make sure you please God in how you deal with this, and trying to steal another man's wife will not please God.
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LiberatedChick
Contributor
lin1235 said:
I completely agree. I did read the first post before it was edited and I have to say I think you should move on. Yes, you have a son with her and you should be able to see him but I think that's the only reason you should contact her now. She is another mans wife and it doesn't matter if you think she made a bad choice...she made the choice and it seems to me she's made the choice to stick with him no matter what you feel.
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Would God "prefer" the second marriage for the child and sanity/well-being of all four involved?
Thanks to all of you. About the question listed above, my biggest question in all of this is "would God push (ie give us more intense feelings, make us dream about each other, help us miss each other, etc) for she and I to be together, IF he viewed her marriage as null and void to start with or now (or that he didn't really bless it) because:
A. She was influenced by her parents (and their advise was wrong) and young
B. They didn't tell the pastor she was pregnant with someone else's child
C. She didn't think she could ever marry me because at the time, I hadn't been saved
D. He felt it was the best thing for our son
E. He felt it was the healthiest thing for her husband and he shouldn't even be here. In other words, there is a better life waiting for him than this torturous one?
F. He felt that our (she and I) pain would subside and we could be happy and sane once again, and experience true love and the joys of that?
G. She loves me, but keeps it inside and always has, and God wants the truth to be let out, not only for our son, but so that everyone involved will know the truth?
My struggle with this is really because the more I have prayed the closer I get to her. Why??? The more we walk away or try to, the more intensely we miss each other and the more intense we feel. We both drift off and daydream constantly. Why??? For what other reason than God's will would two good people, who know right from wrong and fight to do what is right, keep having these out-of-our-control happenings?? These aren't just normal happenings by the way, things like: she gets seriously dizzy when she hugs me or gets goose bumps from one touch, my heart beats wildly just being near her and I mean bursting out of my chest, she thinks of me on her anniversary, no matter how angry we get- we long for each other, and on and on. Have you ever kissed someone (and I have quite a few before her, unfortunately) and you just went, "Wow!" It was like you almost were going to pass out? Well, we have all of this and we have a son together. This is just a tip of the iceberg. Is it possible that we are supposed to be together, and have always been, and God is imposing his will (for whatever reason, we may never know)? That he says, "Now, this is what I intended all along?" That he is working his magic from above, for his reasons? That is why I have asked ?s to all of you, it doesn't make sense to me that God would let all of this happen, otherwise. I know an unusual feeling when I feel it, by the way, and this is like a beautiful kick in the teeth. It is that powerful and unmistakable. It is the kind of love people wish for, yet we can't have it and our son can't benefit from it because she made a mistake. My son didn't, I didn't (at that point), so could God be rearranging things in his way? This has been going on for over two years and I have searched for an answer in this forum because we both are at a loss. It is like we know what we feel, but can't make sense of it. I am telling you that her marriage is over, already. She is just there because she can't do anything AND our potential marriage be blessed. So, the advice of: she should work on her marriage, etc, although good advice, has not worked over the last two years. Plus, my biggest concern is that our son has to deal with all of this. He didn't choose this. He didn't choose this person to be in his life. What about him? Could God put his happiness, first? Over this whole situation? These are just some of the daily struggles I have. Thanks for all of your advice.
Thanks to all of you. About the question listed above, my biggest question in all of this is "would God push (ie give us more intense feelings, make us dream about each other, help us miss each other, etc) for she and I to be together, IF he viewed her marriage as null and void to start with or now (or that he didn't really bless it) because:
A. She was influenced by her parents (and their advise was wrong) and young
B. They didn't tell the pastor she was pregnant with someone else's child
C. She didn't think she could ever marry me because at the time, I hadn't been saved
D. He felt it was the best thing for our son
E. He felt it was the healthiest thing for her husband and he shouldn't even be here. In other words, there is a better life waiting for him than this torturous one?
F. He felt that our (she and I) pain would subside and we could be happy and sane once again, and experience true love and the joys of that?
G. She loves me, but keeps it inside and always has, and God wants the truth to be let out, not only for our son, but so that everyone involved will know the truth?
My struggle with this is really because the more I have prayed the closer I get to her. Why??? The more we walk away or try to, the more intensely we miss each other and the more intense we feel. We both drift off and daydream constantly. Why??? For what other reason than God's will would two good people, who know right from wrong and fight to do what is right, keep having these out-of-our-control happenings?? These aren't just normal happenings by the way, things like: she gets seriously dizzy when she hugs me or gets goose bumps from one touch, my heart beats wildly just being near her and I mean bursting out of my chest, she thinks of me on her anniversary, no matter how angry we get- we long for each other, and on and on. Have you ever kissed someone (and I have quite a few before her, unfortunately) and you just went, "Wow!" It was like you almost were going to pass out? Well, we have all of this and we have a son together. This is just a tip of the iceberg. Is it possible that we are supposed to be together, and have always been, and God is imposing his will (for whatever reason, we may never know)? That he says, "Now, this is what I intended all along?" That he is working his magic from above, for his reasons? That is why I have asked ?s to all of you, it doesn't make sense to me that God would let all of this happen, otherwise. I know an unusual feeling when I feel it, by the way, and this is like a beautiful kick in the teeth. It is that powerful and unmistakable. It is the kind of love people wish for, yet we can't have it and our son can't benefit from it because she made a mistake. My son didn't, I didn't (at that point), so could God be rearranging things in his way? This has been going on for over two years and I have searched for an answer in this forum because we both are at a loss. It is like we know what we feel, but can't make sense of it. I am telling you that her marriage is over, already. She is just there because she can't do anything AND our potential marriage be blessed. So, the advice of: she should work on her marriage, etc, although good advice, has not worked over the last two years. Plus, my biggest concern is that our son has to deal with all of this. He didn't choose this. He didn't choose this person to be in his life. What about him? Could God put his happiness, first? Over this whole situation? These are just some of the daily struggles I have. Thanks for all of your advice.
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Starcradle
Senior Contributor
Whatsoever the catalysts behind her decision to marry this man, she made a binding commitment to him that is valid before God's eyes, irrelevant of your sentiments toward one another. Intensity of feeling, in and of itself, is not to be utilized as a gauge for what should be done, most especially when taking another man's wife. There is no "grey" area concerning God's view of adultery--it is a transgression that cannot be justified, transcendent of the circumstances. God's will shall not be in violation of His Word and to even remotely suggest that He is somehow orchestrating the circumstances to arrange adulterous thoughts and acts is insulting to His holy nature, no matter how damaged her marriage is at this juncture or how much you desire one another.
God is not to be blamed for the decisions we make or the situations we create. While it wounds His heart when we harm ourselves and He indeed forgives us when we seek His face and truly repent, our deeds still have consequences that must be confronted and dealt with. Otherwise, we would never truly learn how loving His boundaries are, how greatly they protect our hearts.
I will pray that the Lord compel you to do what is pleasing in His sight regarding this situation. He only desires your best.
God is not to be blamed for the decisions we make or the situations we create. While it wounds His heart when we harm ourselves and He indeed forgives us when we seek His face and truly repent, our deeds still have consequences that must be confronted and dealt with. Otherwise, we would never truly learn how loving His boundaries are, how greatly they protect our hearts.
I will pray that the Lord compel you to do what is pleasing in His sight regarding this situation. He only desires your best.
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peanutbutter12
Senior Veteran
I have to agree with the above. God will not retract his own law.
From what you've stated, it seems more an infatuation than love. Love is not a feeling, it's a decision. And you seem more than willing to break God's own law if the opportunity comes which means that God isn't the one guiding you to begin with. God will not break up a mariage under any circumstance just so that person can remarry or have a relationship with someone else. That would be adultry in every form and would contradict God's own word. You need to understand and come to terms with the fact that God is not the head of this decision and that it's your own selfishness that is feeding the desire to be with her while using God as a crutch of justification. The faster you learn this, the faster it will be for you to move on and forward with your own life.
Moreso, everything you typed pretty much has to do with you and your feelings for her. It's not about your son, it's about you and what you want. If you are that interested in a relationship with your son, it can happen, just not in the way which you would like. But on the other hand, you still need to be putting his own best interest forward; not what you think is your own best interest.
Love is not an easy thing. It can tear you apart inside and make you suffer. A lot of us have been to that point where we've had to recover from a broken heart. It's never easy but it's better for us in the end. It's not the answer you want, but it's the answer that has to be. Think of this, if you truly love this girl, would you want her to spend the rest of her life in sin because of your own selfish desires to be with her? Love is putting the other person ahead of yourself and caring for them in every way. It doesn't sound as if you care too much for her if you are trying to put her in a situation of a future of nothing but sin. I think you need to reevaluate yourself, maybe seek out some professional counsel to help you emotionally and spiritually along the corse you have to take. Good luck
CJ
From what you've stated, it seems more an infatuation than love. Love is not a feeling, it's a decision. And you seem more than willing to break God's own law if the opportunity comes which means that God isn't the one guiding you to begin with. God will not break up a mariage under any circumstance just so that person can remarry or have a relationship with someone else. That would be adultry in every form and would contradict God's own word. You need to understand and come to terms with the fact that God is not the head of this decision and that it's your own selfishness that is feeding the desire to be with her while using God as a crutch of justification. The faster you learn this, the faster it will be for you to move on and forward with your own life.
Moreso, everything you typed pretty much has to do with you and your feelings for her. It's not about your son, it's about you and what you want. If you are that interested in a relationship with your son, it can happen, just not in the way which you would like. But on the other hand, you still need to be putting his own best interest forward; not what you think is your own best interest.
Love is not an easy thing. It can tear you apart inside and make you suffer. A lot of us have been to that point where we've had to recover from a broken heart. It's never easy but it's better for us in the end. It's not the answer you want, but it's the answer that has to be. Think of this, if you truly love this girl, would you want her to spend the rest of her life in sin because of your own selfish desires to be with her? Love is putting the other person ahead of yourself and caring for them in every way. It doesn't sound as if you care too much for her if you are trying to put her in a situation of a future of nothing but sin. I think you need to reevaluate yourself, maybe seek out some professional counsel to help you emotionally and spiritually along the corse you have to take. Good luck
CJ
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~Nikki~
aka northstar
Starcradle said:Whatsoever the catalysts behind her decision to marry this man, she made a binding commitment to him that is valid before God's eyes, irrelevant of your sentiments toward one another. Intensity of feeling, in and of itself, is not to be utilized as a gauge for what should be done, most especially when taking another man's wife. There is no "grey" area concerning God's view of adultery--it is a transgression that cannot be justified, transcendent of the circumstances. God's will shall not be in violation of His Word and to even remotely suggest that He is somehow orchestrating the circumstances to arrange adulterous thoughts and acts is insulting to His holy nature, no matter how damaged her marriage is at this juncture or how much you desire one another.
God is not to be blamed for the decisions we make or the situations we create. While it wounds His heart when we harm ourselves and He indeed forgives us when we seek His face and truly repent, our deeds still have consequences that must be confronted and dealt with. Otherwise, we would never truly learn how loving His boundaries are, how greatly they protect our hearts.
I will pray that the Lord compel you to do what is pleasing in His sight regarding this situation. He only desires your best.
Completely agree with this...
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