Hi 
I've just been pondering alot of things lately. Since i came back to God, my life's so much richer and i'm such a better person. But i feel like i'm learning all these things about Him, memorising and understanding the equations on why this will happen if you choose that, using the Christian jargon, quoting verses that everyone knows... i feel like i've been pursuing God, doing all the right things, and i know He's guiding my steps, i know He has great plans for me, but i still feel so distant from Him.
When i pray, i talk to Him like a friend. I use to tell Him what i thought was the right thing to say, but i'm honest with Him now and i tell him if i'm jealous or hateful, and i ask Him to help me overcome those things & love my enemies etc etc.
So i really searched my heart to see what i was really searching for. Was it an experience? The hand of God? The promises and blessings? The gifts of the Spirit? Or God regardless of anything else that might come with being a Christian?
Apostle Paul said we must be transformed with the renewing of our mind. Is this thought conditioning? Is this like telling someone something over and over again until they start saying the same thing?
An amazing pastor at my church said something profound awhile ago. He said that many Christians try to find God through other peoples revelations of Him. Books, tapes, testimonies, all great for encouraging and building faith, but at the end of the day, one needs something to stand on for one's self, a faith of their own they can stand on if they find themselves alone for a season.
I identify myself as Christian, and i go to a Pentecostal church, although my earlier denominational influences included Anglican, Catholic, Baptist and Salvation Army.
In a nutshell, i met Jesus when i was quite young (about 8 or 9) and was very close to Him. My heart became hard and bitter as i was growing up, i walked away from him when i was 15, i came back at 20 (very humbled) & i'm now 22.
As a child, i had nothing, i had no one. I had alot of hate in my life, abuse, neglect, a broken family, but at the end of each day, i would talk to God and He would put joy in my heart. I loved God so much.
Now, i have the support, i have the church life, the fellowship, the resources, the growth, but i seem to be constructing this profile in my head of who God is according to all this stuff i read and hear and see and experience.
So after waffling on, i guess i just want to know how to really get to know God again. & if anyone can identify with this, or has some insight from their own life, i'd be greatly encouraged if you could share it.
I was begging God last week not to let me turn into a robot. I don't want to be this "good" person who displays all the correct Christian attitudes and who says the correct things that my leaders would approve of and intelectualise out of everything. I really want to be real, and weak if that's what i am.
I've just been pondering alot of things lately. Since i came back to God, my life's so much richer and i'm such a better person. But i feel like i'm learning all these things about Him, memorising and understanding the equations on why this will happen if you choose that, using the Christian jargon, quoting verses that everyone knows... i feel like i've been pursuing God, doing all the right things, and i know He's guiding my steps, i know He has great plans for me, but i still feel so distant from Him.
When i pray, i talk to Him like a friend. I use to tell Him what i thought was the right thing to say, but i'm honest with Him now and i tell him if i'm jealous or hateful, and i ask Him to help me overcome those things & love my enemies etc etc.
So i really searched my heart to see what i was really searching for. Was it an experience? The hand of God? The promises and blessings? The gifts of the Spirit? Or God regardless of anything else that might come with being a Christian?
Apostle Paul said we must be transformed with the renewing of our mind. Is this thought conditioning? Is this like telling someone something over and over again until they start saying the same thing?
An amazing pastor at my church said something profound awhile ago. He said that many Christians try to find God through other peoples revelations of Him. Books, tapes, testimonies, all great for encouraging and building faith, but at the end of the day, one needs something to stand on for one's self, a faith of their own they can stand on if they find themselves alone for a season.
I identify myself as Christian, and i go to a Pentecostal church, although my earlier denominational influences included Anglican, Catholic, Baptist and Salvation Army.
In a nutshell, i met Jesus when i was quite young (about 8 or 9) and was very close to Him. My heart became hard and bitter as i was growing up, i walked away from him when i was 15, i came back at 20 (very humbled) & i'm now 22.
As a child, i had nothing, i had no one. I had alot of hate in my life, abuse, neglect, a broken family, but at the end of each day, i would talk to God and He would put joy in my heart. I loved God so much.
Now, i have the support, i have the church life, the fellowship, the resources, the growth, but i seem to be constructing this profile in my head of who God is according to all this stuff i read and hear and see and experience.
So after waffling on, i guess i just want to know how to really get to know God again. & if anyone can identify with this, or has some insight from their own life, i'd be greatly encouraged if you could share it.
I was begging God last week not to let me turn into a robot. I don't want to be this "good" person who displays all the correct Christian attitudes and who says the correct things that my leaders would approve of and intelectualise out of everything. I really want to be real, and weak if that's what i am.
