kids running away, help please

[jennyren]

my four year old dd and two year old ds were up extra early this morning. I told them to stay in their beds but they woke up the baby and so I layed back down to feed the baby. The kids didn't stay in their beds but went downstairs to play. I overheard my dd say "lets go outside". I shouted down the stairs "don't dare go outside, it's too early" few moments later I heard voices outside my bedroom window "come on, let's run away to grammy's cuz mommy's mean". I raced outside to see my dd packed with all her favorite belongings and ds following her around, naked from the waste down.

Needless to say, I am in shock. Dd has always been difficult but has never been this defiant. I would expect this from an older child but she's only four.

I've sent her stay in her room and got the little one dressed but I don't know how to handle the situation.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

It is so hard to not let that kind of stuff hurt your feelings which then adds to the reaction to the situation.

I'd think about how to set up the house so that this kind of opportunity doesn't present itself again.

We have a latching swing gate at the top of our stairs to keep our 3 year old safe in the early morning hours if he wakes up before us.

Is it possible that your 4 year old is needing some special mommy time? When my oldest was 4 she tried to call grandma to live with her. I was having a tough time making time for all of my babes with a 4 year old 2 year old and infant.

 

[CarrieAg93]

We put chains on our door so our 2 1/2 year old can't escape.

When my 5-yr-old said he was going to live somewhere else I just told him that he couldn't take any of his things because they were really all my things. He asked about his clothes and I said I'd let him take the ones he was wearing. That nipped it in the bud.

A lot of kids threaten to run away and how to best handle it depends on the child. My son is very strong-willed so telling him he couldn't would have just caused a huge battle. I just made sure he knew we would miss him so he didn't think I just wouldn't care if he was gone.

 

[Leanna]

Whatever you do, find a way to prevent that because I have heard stories of CPS being called when children get out of the house unattended

You know and actually, this reminds me of a funny story in "Your Four year Old" by Ames and Ilg. Absolutely typical behavior for a 4 year old, you should check it out.

The main thing I would recommend is not to lay back down and feed the baby. Every time I feed the baby the kids start prowling and pondering what trouble they can get into. Its like they sense weakness. They don't get into much because I am on them before my son can finish the sentence, "I have an idea, let's..." Within eyeshot at all times, unless they are in their rooms just around the corner.

 

[jennyren]

I think the first thing I'll do is put an additional lock on the outside doors. dd is pretty inovative so she'll figure it out in no time but It'll take a little longer for them to escape, if this should happen again.

It does hurt that she thinks I'm a mean mommy. I really haven't had much one on one with her lately. And even when I do get some time with just me and her, she seems to "use" me. She's very demanding and unappreciative. We used to have so much fun together, used to be more like friends. Now that I've been trying to set more limits I do feel like I'm just a big meany.

Do I want her to know the dangers of running away or will that just make her afraid? She does worry alot. I don't want this to happen again. We live in a very small town and I'm sure she wouldn't make it down the street without one of the neighbors letting me know. Grammy lives right across the street so thats the first place she'd go. She knows her way around town and wouldn't get lost. But this could happen when we're visiting the city or another town, I don't want her to be overconfident.
I know I ran away when I was a kid, in the city, and luckily was found by the police and brought home safely. But I knew some other kids who weren't so lucky and never came home again.

 

[lovesbrightpink]

get a top lock for your door. I would put it up as high on the door as you can reach. that way even if they try, they cannot reach it.

 

[Lena75]

^^^ That's what I have done.

 

[Robinsegg]

Remember, all kids eventually say "mommy's mean" when they don't get their way. . . . Try not to take it too personally.

I'll agree with additional locks on the outside doors. Deal with the defiance and disobedience . . . remembering that your younger follows the older, but was still disobedient.

Rachel

 

[TexasSky]

On the television show, "Juding Amy," at one point Amy calls her mother mean, and her mother's response is that sometimes being mean is a mother's job.

Get high locks so they don't do the escape when you are asleep. Don't, though, lock her in her room. That is because it is a safety risk. If the kids get hurt or a fire starts they can't get to adults for help.

My neighbor was a psychologist, and their youngest announced he was going to run away one day. She said, "Okay, but I don't want anything to happen to you, so let me help you."

She took him into the house and said, "What do you think you will need to eat. Do you know where you are going?" When she got the "destination" she said, "Oh, well, that's going to take four or five days. You better get your wagon. Help me make the sandwiches." They went to her kitchen and made a LOT of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and as they made the sandwiches, she said, "I'm really sorry that you don't like it here anymore. I know you don't like having to go to bed at bedtime, but I thought you really liked it when we all went to the swimming pool last week." (And she carefully listed a few of his complaints against a few of the good times.)

Then she said, "I know you don't like water, but milk won't last. We'll have to get a jug of water!"

This was followed by. "Who will read you a bedtime story?"

And, "what will you do if a big dog chases you?"

And, "Maybe you should take some bandaides. I won't be there to kiss it and make it better."

And then she decided to help him make a map.

And then she asked him if he wanted some pictures of her or his Dad or his sister.

And if he wanted to tell all his neighborhood friends goodbye, because, afterall, he couldn't play with them anymore if he moved away.

She kept this up for a very long time, but it gave him a lot of personal attention, and it gave them both a chance to talk in a non-confrontational manner.

Then she told him that she loved him, and he could come home anytime he wanted, and waved goodbye to him. As soon as he started up the walk, she called neighbors and neighborhood children who were older and asked them to "keep an eye on him."

We all got in on her little act, and came up questions of our own, like, "Won't you miss your fort?" (His father had built him a play fort.) Or, "I'd never run away! I like my own bed!" Or, "I thought you Mom was pretty cool! I remember when she.....,"

By now it was pretty late in the afternoon, and he just turned around and went home.

As far as any of us know, he never ran away again.

Mother used to tell me a similiar story about my Aunt. When my Aunt announced she was running away, my grandmother decided to help her pack and used the time to talk to her about things my grandmother would miss. (Fun things). My Aunt asked her for permission to stay.

 

[sparassidae]

Imho the escaping from the house and the threatening to run away are two different things. Children getting up to mischief before parents are out of bed is nothing new, locks on doors (do you guys have deadlocks that can only be opened, even from the inside, with a key?) and giving them a good talking to when they get into something tends to be the answer.

One morning we got up to find our 4yo had decided to get cereal for himself and his 2yo sister, good intentions but oh boy what a mess

In regards to the 'running away'- don't sweat it. They all do it at some point, in fact our 6yo decided to leave home yesterday. Basically she was having a HUGE tantrum over something, I was trying to wash the dishes, supervise 8yo making biscuits and help 4yo and 18mo with their colouring. So I told her to go to her room (repeatedly) to calm down etc.

So she came out with shoes on, bag on her back (packed with some clothes, toys and her bible apparently ), hat on her head, but still wearing pyjamas . She declared she was moving back to our old suburb (60km away). This is how the conversation went:

Me: "okay, but it will take you a very long time to walk, hope you've got plenty of energy"

E: "no, I'm going to catch a taxi"

Me: "Oh, well I hope you've got lots of money, that would cost maybe $50 to go all that way" (really I've got no idea, but that's a sufficiently large number for a 6yo with about $3 in her money box).

E: (ignoring that point) "Can you get in the taxi when the light is flashing?"

Me: (trying very hard not to laugh) "I don't know, it's been a long time since I've caught a taxi anywhere"

And that was that. As TexasSky said, it just gave us a chance to talk calmly for a few minutes, by which time she was crying and giving me a cuddle. I assured her that I still loved her etc.

Apparently when my younger brother was 5yo he packed a bag and walked around the block, because he knew he wasn't allowed to cross the road alone!